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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Anyone remember me?

85 replies

MummyIsMagic79 · 05/07/2013 00:07

I can't link to my old thread. H had affair while I was pregnant and life-threateningly ill. 8 months on still horrific. Can't live. Hate everything. So so so sad. I'm sorry to moan.

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MummyIsMagic79 · 05/07/2013 23:32

Jesus. Typo city. Marie means marriage. Interning means we're trying. Exhausting day plus toothache. Grim.

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AnyFucker · 05/07/2013 23:35

and so the the wheel turns

now that is fucking grim Sad

feel a little optimistic until he cuts you down to shit again

what a way to live, what an example to set for your children < sigh >

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MummyIsMagic79 · 05/07/2013 23:46

He didn't cut me down to shit. We were both feeling positive then I told him I didn't feel positive at all and he said it was confusing. I'm not defending him in the slightest. I know what he did was indescribable ad despicable. I know that. But I decided to let him stay. There is no point in us trying if either of us keeps sabotaging it. My children aren't being set a bad example. They are very young and we have never involved them.

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ChipsNEggs · 05/07/2013 23:58

He is a twat, a total and utter twat and he knows exactly how to play you.

He said that you were eroding his love for you, he said it because he knew you'd panic and start to dance to his tune again, he's right you have.

This 'man' holds you in utter contempt. He is treating you like shit, he was happy for you to think you were going mad whilst he continued to shag your friend. He has never been sorry about anything except being caught.

You deserve so much more than this. He does not love you and you've won nothing.

I'll bet he's learned a lesson though, next time he'll use a secret phone to conduct his affairs.

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MummyIsMagic79 · 06/07/2013 00:00

Thanks

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lowercase · 06/07/2013 00:03

Even tiny babies sense stress from ones sweat, children do know, and will be affected.

What a cheek he has to get arsey with you, saying you are making it harder?
These are consequences of his actions.

I'm very much in the LTB camp in this situation, though you want to stay, get away from OW then.
Different schools have been suggested.


What a mess, and none of it is your doing.
Bless you OP.

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ChipsNEggs · 06/07/2013 00:06

You do deserve so much more than this. You come across as a lovely, caring person, you don't deserve to feel like this. You deserve someone who appreciates that your special and treats you as such.

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Bogeyface · 06/07/2013 00:13

Mummy I know you are feeling got at, but the problem is that because we are on the outside we can see that you are being manipulated. Now it may be that he isnt doing it consciously but it is still happening.

My worry is that his hot and cold behaviour, his accusations etc will have the desired effect and you will end up "putting up and shutting up" on the name of trying to make your marriage work, because he kicks up if you dont.

Please do read my post above, every word that I wrote about my own marriage is true. I refused, and still do refuse, to keep a lid on my feelings because it might upset him. I also changed my mind on a daily basis about whether I felt positive, little things like him taking too long in the bathroom would set my down the "I hate him, this marriage will never work" route and could end up feeling that for days. There is no security for you yet so any happiness or trust you feel is very fleeting, building that back up takes years not months. Silly little things that would never have bothered you before suddenly become "proof" that he will never change....I remember one being that he forgot to put the babys nappy in the bag, something I often forgot myself. But when he did it it led to a Battle Royale and me not speaking to him for 3 days.

And sweetie, the kids will know something is wrong even if they dont know what it is.

Take care

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skyeskyeskye · 06/07/2013 00:19

A family member had an affair with her husbands friend. She moved out, was disowned by half the family. After a few months when OM wouldn't commit to her and she realised the grass wasn't greener, she asked her H if he would take her back. He made her wait six months then he took her back and said " we draw a line under this and never mention his name again".

He is a far greater person than I could be in that situation. But he was right in that they had to put the past behind them if they were to create a future.

But there are not many people who could do what he did and I really don't blame them.

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Bogeyface · 06/07/2013 00:23

Wow, that is something else Skye

I dont know anyone who could do that, I know I couldnt!

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MadAboutHotChoc · 06/07/2013 06:45

Neither could I Bogeyface. I would far prefer to be in a marriage where communication is open and honest - otherwise it must be like having an elephant in the room. It helps my DH understands where I am coming from when I get into a strop/mood and he is the one who helps me out of it.

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ITCouldBeWorse · 06/07/2013 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/07/2013 08:40

I think it's unfair to accuse the OP of 'keep bringing it up'. His very presence is bringing it up. Living in the house where the crying and yelling took place is bringing it up. Dropping kids off at school bumping into the DH's mistress is bringing it up. When basic aspects of everyday life are connected to the traumatic event, it's always going to be top of mind.

My marriage ended a long, long time ago now but I still get surprise flashback moments triggered by a song on the radio, the mention of a particular name, and can feel suddenly down. OP, you will never forget this and if you never forgive him, that's perfectly OK too.

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Thisisaeuphemism · 06/07/2013 08:56

I remember your threads. The contrast between how lovely you are and how appallingly he was treating you was, sorry, quite unforgetable.
To people who haven't read those threads- he was fucking her friend, telling the friend he loved her, and telling op that she was mad, sick and 'needed help'. (This while op was pregnant.
I would never forgive him.
I remember he has threatened to leave before because you won't let it go. Fuck him.
I remember you are catholic and under some community pressure. That's fine, as long as you are aware of what a cruel twat you are choosing to stay with.

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Hissy · 06/07/2013 09:35

I think for you to truly gain some perspective and strength, you need some peace in your life. Time and space to work out what it is you have in your life, what you want and need.

I think you need to ask your H to move out for a bit.

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newbiefrugalgal · 06/07/2013 09:35

Sorry OP.
what a nightmare year for you.
I think you are coping amazing having a new born is hard enough let alone everything else that has happened.

My partner had an affair last summer and I do remember your threads. I have removed myself from where we were living, being close to where she used to live and knowing I could bump into her at anytime was not for me and when occasionally I have to go back it does trigger emotions. How you can do this daily is beyond me.

I know how hard it must be to make a decision and you don't want to give up on your marriage but in a kind gentle way of me asking, is it what you really want for the rest of your life? You will never forget and might forgive who knows but would you be truly happy?
You can do it on your own and you may meet someone new and wonderful, many people do.
Maybe give yourself a time frame to work to-if it's no better by then make the changes to be on your own.
Or ask him now to leave a d give you space. Space to work out what you want without the drama.

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newbiefrugalgal · 06/07/2013 09:35

Cross posts with Hissy :)

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FeegleFion · 06/07/2013 10:04

OP, my P left, two weeks ago. No OW, just a manchild who is selfish and not the person I believed he was.

I have 2 DC. DS is 7 months old today.

I know it must be scary for you to consider being on your own but I'm living it right now and although I'm terrified I am also experienced enough as a single parent (dc1 is not his and I brought her up alone for many years) and I know life will be good for me again.

It's bloody hard but I have no choice.

If you are determined to stay then you must find a way to draw a line under the past and move forward. Maybe you need to consider counselling.

Good luck, whatever happens.

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skyeskyeskye · 06/07/2013 10:26

I am not saying that she should forgive him but there is no future in the marriage if she can't move on from this. How can there be?

I couldn't do it, but if OP wants her marriage to continue then she does need to find a way through this. If she can't then the marriage is over. You cannot stay together as a couple continually discussing the past. It needs to be discussed to death and laid to rest.

Yes he deserves everything he gets from OP but that cannot continue forever.

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Thisisaeuphemism · 06/07/2013 10:39

It's only eight months since discovery - yet twice the dh has told her to get over it.

Perhaps the onus should be on him to suck up the shit storm he so merrily created.

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skyeskyeskye · 06/07/2013 11:02

I agree it's still very mych early days and that H should be doing everything he can to make things right but long term it has to be resolved or there is no future. That is something that only OP can decide.

How do you think you can move on from this OP? What do you need to move forward? Your H needs to understand that and work with you to sort everything out.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 06/07/2013 11:37

Skye - how do you define long term? 6 months? 1 year? 18 months? 5 years?

Its not about "discussing" it, its more about working through your emotions. Its not about punishing him either.

And it can take years for the cheater to work on himself and make changes - especially if certain traits such as selfishness are so ingrained.

Recovery is a long and ongoing process and not everyone can hack it.

My DH knows where the door is if he no longer wants to listen/reassure/comfort me when I need it.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 06/07/2013 11:40

The best way OP to move on is for her to see that he has changed - is he going to counselling? doing some reading? has he gained an insight into why he chose to cheat? into his issues, values and beliefs? is he working on his character flaws? investing in the marriage? established boundaries etc?

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skyeskyeskye · 06/07/2013 12:15

It's just obvious though that it is never going to work unless it is put behind them. They both have to want to make it work or there really is no point. I know that betrayal is a huge thing but you cannot want to move forward and keep the marriage if it is continually dragged up over and over again. There is no timescale but how can there be s future if its never let go? There has to be a point where it is put away surely?

how can there be a marriage otherwise ?

My counsellor told me that both parties have to want to make it work or there is no point. if you make the decision to stay with a cheater then surely part if that decision is all about moving on from what has happened?

I agree that her H needs to prove himself and do everything he can but it surely cannot continue in this way.

If it would still be an issue five years on then there is no marriage is there? Surely? Just two very unhappy people.

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TheConstantLurker · 06/07/2013 13:00

Sounds to me as if you are simply going through a process which you hope will end up with your marriage stabilising. You say things are getting better, easier but it would be totally expected imo for you to have days/weeks/months when you are in agony again. Similarly your husband is working his way through and at times has difficulties.
When he makes his crass comments in future remind him forcibly that you are entitled to take as damn long as it takes, forever even and he has to eat that shit!
Agree that moving school would be better.
Good luck op. I'm sure you are showing your children a great example and don't let any fucker tell you differently.

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