DH says he never loved me, had affairs all married life. I am pg with 4th help.

[IhearyoubutIcantfeelit]

We hadbeen trying for a baby, I fell pregnant quickly. Soon afterwards I found incriminating texts and emails that hesleptwith another woman a few years agoand did various otherthings sexting etc. He betrayed my confidence by having an emotional affair with another woman who wanted my place and went to unbelievable lengths to ty and push me out.

Anyway, long story short. He has fessed up, completely. I know because I hacked all his accounts with a keylogger and a tech friend's help.

He is taking meds for his high blood pressure and has become better. He is currently on an extended biz trip. He wrote me an apology letter stating thathe is sorry he has hurt me in such an unbelievably cruel way, all these years, he says when we got together he fell for me, he was just divorced and living alone, it was such a powerful attraction. He has dark places in him and has dragged me down, he is truly sorry.

It's long please bear with me.

In a follow up call he told me he never really loved me or he wouldn't have Done what he did. He feels a powerful sexual attraction to me but objectified me and he says I can never get over the hurt he caused me, that the relationship is broken beyond repair and he wants to let me go to find someone else.

My heart is pretty manled and I am hardly keeping it together for the kids, I am endlessly crying. What am I to do? Try counseling with him? Accept that he doesn't want me anymore? I am pregnant and we have 3 little dc. I am just over 30. My life as I know it is over. Am I being stupid to try and hold On to my marriage?

(sorry you are in a position to make it)

Hi perfectstorm, I have a former sears tooth partner in my views. I recommended her ages ago to H but he has not moved on her. Do you think I could ask her to represent me or will she decline?

I will answer to everyone of you kind ladies to
tomorrow when I'm on the big screen, not on a mobile.
Your kind words and support amaze me.

Baby seems all good, risks low and seeing friends and colleagues lifted my spirits. I don't really belong anymore but they have not forgotten me.

Being in London was hard when I went into the City, past our old house. I have started to well up and felt so alone. Seeing the baby I started to cry, I know I am doing this alone.

What is worst is that I have seen old pictures of him and I still think he is beautiful. And I fancy him. I need to ram my head into a wall. His pic came up when he called on my mobile. I didn't answer. I texted baby fine you want to live without me stop calling. And he did. That's a statement and I cannot overlook it.

I just find it so hard to compute being hurt and then rejected, he doesn't want to be with me because it reminds him of his bad deeds. Apologies, I am repeating myself. I am slow to understand what has happened. I just want to go on a long vacation and never come back. Pathetic really. I'm normally quite feisty, I find the abrupt dumping so hard to bear. Like some piece of shit off his shoe.

When I came home my eldest was awake and elated to have me home. Heart melted then and there. At least I have a purpose. Can see how much calmer my kids have become without H in the house.

Write more tom. Good night ladies.

take care, until tomorrow x

Dear Dolly, I just read your post and I am shocked at what has happened to you. I am truly sorry you are being held so far away from home. I cannot easily say what he has done but he tried to father a child with another woman (the one who wanted me out and who got him a job) by not natural conception. I have probably said too much now.

All behind my back when I was pregnant with my first. He used to push me around, hurt me by pressing his hand under my ear, calling me names.

I cannot begin to understan why I still want him? I must be very sick.

What your ex said to you made my eyes pop open wide, this could have come from my husband. When I was suffering from hyperemesis with my second he used to shout abuse at me while I was wretching and needed to be hospitalized twice. He never came to see me and told women how we were estranged and I had moved home to my parents.

I am sorry for your son, can he ever see your family in Blighty? This situation seems grossly unfair but as you said different countries may judge situations totally different. Hugs to you, not very MN but I think we can both be excused. X

Dolly what a sad tale, you sound so string now and I hope one of your green shoots flowers madly soon. You are a brave woman.

Ihearyou so glad the scan went ok, and well done for establishing some boundaries with H. It's a power and control thing and as long as you refuse contact he cannot torture you further. In sure right now you can torture yourself enough for two .

Lovely that your DCs delight in seeing you gave you such a life and that things are already calmer. They deserve your full attention and to have things remain as constant as possible within the parameters of this nightmare.

Take care and we are all here to do what we can for you.

String??? Strong!!

Lovely, it's the other way round, YOU don't want HIM in your life anymore. You don't need this manipulating, cruel, cheating person around you and the kids. You say yourself how much calmer they are. They will have picked up things subconsciously.
I cannot believe he is still calling you. He doesn't want you to have a quiet minute to think straight. Delete his picture from profile.

Stay strong, I'm happy the baby is ok.
Have you seen a solicitor?

Llaregub, Cinnamon, beachy, kingrollo, ergo, anyfucker and others, thank you so very much for sharing personal stories, useful advice and kind support with me.

I indulged myself and bought GONE GIRL by Gillian Flynn before heading back on home. Loved having time for myself and then being fully present at home again. Like there isn't the distraction of having to care of my H anymore. I am not at the angry stage yet, I am hurting too much but having an entire day to myself yesterday I have made a mental list of allthe things he has done and said to me.

I would give an arm and a leg to have back the husband I thought I married, the handsome financier who I could sparr with and feel on one wave-length with. Yet I do realize that this was MY reality, a parallel world in which he was exciting and gorgeous, funny and smart, sexy and straightforward. There were moments when he was angry and moody, stubborn and dark. This side of his nature came out more and more, he would drink to excess every evening, be a nasty drunk, vicious and sometimes violent. He stamped on my laptop and broke it all those years ago. Then replaced it witha shiny new model. He would be generous and indulgent, then control me and cold me out if I ever spoke happily about life before him.

He has totally taken my light away, the difference in the pictures is astonishing. From being happy, content, glowing skin and shiny hair I have recently started to comfort eat, I looked pallid and drawn and the hair matte. My body mass index is fine but the percentage of fat in my body is that of a 40+ year old in bad shape and my doctor was concerned with my bloods. I had started to drink to cope, even a big glass at lunch time was acceptable. I could drink a bottle of red by myself and feel no more than sluggish the next morning.
I kicked my cigarette habit for good over a year ago, I was forever sneaking out for one early morning and then ate at night.

I am grateful for this baby because it stops me from reverting to my old ways. I'm sure if it weren't for my pregnancy I would drink and light up again.

Please excuse my ramble. I just need to air what I feel like, make sense of what is going on.

What do think to me asking that former Sears Tooth artner if she would represent me in the divorce. I recommended he to my H years ago and we are all connected on LinkedIn but he never booked her. Any chance I could do this? Legal eagles do ave a code of rules so maybe she can not represent me? TIA

Sorry there are so many typos in my messages. I'm on a touch screen and sometimes it doesn't register my touch.

Thank you Cinnamon, I have thought about writing an email to the counselor that was supposed to deal with the kids sibling rivalry but zoomed straight in on my marriage as the blip in the system that messes everyone else up. I would like to write and explain my situation before she comes. I find it hard to talk to people about it. I dissolve into tears and I feel I lack the words to describe it when talking. She shoud know though or else she cannot help us. Maybe it's fortuitous that she has appeared right at this point so she can guide me and help e mke sure the children will be least affected.

As others have pointed out, the trust with H is gone. I know there will most likely be a repeat in ten or 15 years from now. He is the person he is and won't change. I never knew where this darkness in him has come from but it will always be there. It is probably better for the kids to never really remember him in the house, poisoning the atmoshere with his anger and spite. He seems jealous of the kids when I want to devote my time to them he bleats about him needing me and asking me to farm the kids out. He needs so much attention. He seems not to genuinely love and appreciate the kids. Just a means to shine by proxy.

My ex is actually very good with the children (one if his few redeeming features) but their behaviour has improved 100% since we split. They are calm, there is no tension, no stress.

I could have written your post about comfort eating and drinking too much. And about your husbands traits - good looking, generous, superficially charming, risky highly paid career. Also a bullying violent mysoginist.

Chubfuddler, how did your relationship break up if you don't mind me asking. Sorry.i fail to see how I'm meant to get from where I am to successful coparenting without the anger, sadness and jealousy being obvious to the kids. I don't know how I will ever not find him attractive and see all I have seen. Where is the point that I get he is not that person despite the beautiful face??

I have just found this page from another thread: chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

It was brought up on another thread and even though there seems no OW I am dancing. I have grabbed his ankle sobbing and draping myself over the furniture and reminding him and eating shit sandwich.

I left him whilst he was at work - did a flit, grabbed the kids from school and legged it to my mums (he had hit me).

We're six months on and whilst it isn't easy, there are times when I want to tell him to get to fuck and never come near us again, as things are I genuinely think it is in the children's best interests to have a co-parenting situation. But as I say he was a much better father than yours sounds.

Oh I am so sorry this happened to you. Some of what people say brings up long buried memories. So does your experience of DV.

In 2008, when my eldest was a tiny baby it was New Years'Eve and I was so exhausted that I fell asleep at 11pm. We had another couple for guests but they understood, I had been up all night with bubs and up all day cooking and preparing.

I was woken up by him cursing me and in the ensuing fight he pinned me down on the floor and started choking me. I felt the lights go out then he released. I rang the police and they promptly came. We were nice but when it came to pressing charges I buckled because I had hit him back and he showed the supposed 'red marks' on his back to the officers and I felt ashamed.

The neighbours stopped greeting us after this nightly incident. She had a baby boy just a little older than mine. ,

< shakes head sadly >

Why the head shake AF?

That some men can be so utterly awful and still we stay.

Oh yes. Well as you often say yourself, they aren't awful all the time. And my marriage had been free of incident for nearly three years. I think that long period was what made me leave when it started again - the shock after such a long period of being settled, and the knowledge that I could never again have confidence that it wouldn't happen again. If he could hit me after three years then eventually if I had stayed there would have been another time.

. Sorry I thought there was some sort of criticism intended.

None whatsoever (unless you mean criticism of truly awful men)

But my experience is the reason why I now say LEAVE when someone posts a thread saying their partner has hit them and it has never happened before. I don't believe someone is prepared to be violent to a partner deserves a second chance and it isn't worth the risk. Chances are the first time won't be the last, and next time will be worse.

No I meant of me or the op. don't worry it's my issue, not your fault

My fault too for being cryptic.

I do that sometimes. Post a thought in my head and expect people to mind read it .

Yes AF, I get it. I, much like Chub, stayed because it neber happened in that form again but there was always a threat, a nastiness when he got drunk.

He says he has never loved me and that's why he has cheated and been awful to me.

My heart feels so heavy and sad, like a physical pain. There is another poster who has said her H has cheated on her before and she forgave him, only to do it again. I would love to make everything alright with my H but I guess I can't. I worry he will do it again.

Be brutally honest with me. He will never change. He is using me. I really find it so hard not to speak with him about it. To not know what he is doing. I told him to back off which he has but I feel awful and needy.

He's not your friend. He's a stranger to you. Whether it is true that he never loved you it whether he is convincing himself of this to justify his shoddy treatment of you is anyone's guess. You need to disengage. If your marriage is anything like mine (and it sounds like it was, very) then you are accustomed to dancing to his tune. His thoughts and feelings are prioritised because you don't want to face the fallout if they aren't.

You need to get out of that mindset now. You owe him nothing.

Have you heard of the freedom programme? It is online and costs 10 quid to download. It's written by women's aid and I think you would find it very very helpful.

WHATEVER you do, do not enter into family therapy or couples counselling with him. He's hugely manipulative and not all counsellors are as knowledgable about abuse as you might expect. He will use any opportunity to bully and control you that he can.

Please stop trying to understand, love. Don't hope for change. That is what keeps you in an abusive relationship. He is utterly awful, and has been for some time. Like you said, he mixes up the different types of awfulness to confuse you...but the sum total = LEAVE.