DH says he never loved me, had affairs all married life. I am pg with 4th help.

[IhearyoubutIcantfeelit]

We hadbeen trying for a baby, I fell pregnant quickly. Soon afterwards I found incriminating texts and emails that hesleptwith another woman a few years agoand did various otherthings sexting etc. He betrayed my confidence by having an emotional affair with another woman who wanted my place and went to unbelievable lengths to ty and push me out.

Anyway, long story short. He has fessed up, completely. I know because I hacked all his accounts with a keylogger and a tech friend's help.

He is taking meds for his high blood pressure and has become better. He is currently on an extended biz trip. He wrote me an apology letter stating thathe is sorry he has hurt me in such an unbelievably cruel way, all these years, he says when we got together he fell for me, he was just divorced and living alone, it was such a powerful attraction. He has dark places in him and has dragged me down, he is truly sorry.

It's long please bear with me.

In a follow up call he told me he never really loved me or he wouldn't have Done what he did. He feels a powerful sexual attraction to me but objectified me and he says I can never get over the hurt he caused me, that the relationship is broken beyond repair and he wants to let me go to find someone else.

My heart is pretty manled and I am hardly keeping it together for the kids, I am endlessly crying. What am I to do? Try counseling with him? Accept that he doesn't want me anymore? I am pregnant and we have 3 little dc. I am just over 30. My life as I know it is over. Am I being stupid to try and hold On to my marriage?

Anyone who can write with the honesty and humour and wryness that you have at a time of such hideous pain will:

1. be OK in the medium term
2. find work when you're ready for it, freelance or whatever
3. be a fabulous mum and give your kids a wonderful start in life, by showing them that when things go to pot, you CAN get through it
4. find friends who aren't in the smug married fucker genre, either there or online
5. come out the other side stronger, sadder, wider and more cynical but
6. happy eventually, maybe not how you imagines, but it will happen.

I have to say I found out early this year and had four months time to assess the situation, pour through his emails, my calendars and try and remember times when I found his explanations not to make much sense.

I put the keylogger on to see it black on white. The irrefutible facts are there on the table, have been for a while. It hasn't been a bed of roses anyway but it was all I have known for a long time. My first live in partner, so many firsts, and now when other friends are getting married I come off the fast lane in a multiple car crash.

Thank you Imademarion, must print out your postand put it in my purse, I really appreciate your kind words. I have posted today as I had a psychologist over this morning about my eldest who is a very serious child and unusually calm and not contrary or shouty anymore. I worried for her and wanted to assess a couple of things. The lady specializes in systemic therapy and well, delving into our family structure all sorts of worms came up and how the tension is affiliated with my husband. Needless to say next week she wants to talk about our marriage and how it affects the kids. I just k ow lots of things will be clear to her then. Sigh.

I hearyou on the finding new friends front. There is a chance I could move abroad to husband's place of work but it would be away from my parents. Cannot say where without some MNs recognizing me but it's a great place to bring up kids and they speak English. Not sure about the move and being on a visa tied to him. We are currently selling our home to underwrite his move so it would be easy for me to take my half and start anew or over there but separately from him. Unsure. What do you ladies think?

The cynic in me would look at her house sale and the fact he "wants to let you go" and would suggest that he has someone else. I don't want to be hurtful - I think he has done quite enough of that already.

I also think that over the next few weeks and months you are going to need people around you who can support you and love you. Being on his visa would leave you in a very weak position and at his behest and I can not strongly enough advise you against it. Please see someone urgently for legal advice especially regarding the house sale, If you have 4 children by him then there is every chance you would be entitled to over and above half to ensure a roof over your children's heads.

DO NOT EMIGRATE WITH THIS MAN

He has had this planned. He's tricked you into the sale of the family home and now he plans to skip off with his half, nice and tidy.

Let him

What a fucker.

You will be OK.

I think it would be very unwise to move to your husband's place of work and away from your parents. In fact this has obviously been such a sudden shock I wonder if you're subconsciously trying to keep ties with him IYSWIM. I do understand that you might feel uncomfortable in the village though, so if there's another place nearby where you feel you could make a fresh start perhaps you could consider that. But you could always rent while you recover from the shock.

To address this:
How can he not love me and only say that after nearly 7 years of marriage?? And why the sex thing, I don't get it.

I think two things. Either he's deliberately trying to fuck with your head, and you're supposed to go crawling to him hoping that the hot sex thing is the "real" him and the rest of it was just a mistake. Or, as Doris says, he's got another woman lined up and he's pretty brutally dispensing with you and giving it a final twist of the knife. Either way, not a nice man.

And yes, get lawyered up asap. The law may have different ideas to him about what his "half" of your assets should constitute.

Do not sell your home without good legal advice. I would also consider very carefully leaving your village where you have family and friends. I cannot imagine how difficult life could be for you alone in a strange place with a newborn and a husband out shagging .

Definitely do not emigrate with him!
How dare he tell you that you will never get over the hurt he has caused you!!! That's some ego! It'll take time, no doubt, but you will get over him. What a prick!
You sound remarkably strong. When you get your head together, I'm sure you'll be fine. It sounds like you are well free of a nasty, manipulative man.

Doris, Chubfuddler, MadBusLady and Cailinsalach, thank you for the honest words. Yes he confuses me and I am picking out what I want to hear I guess and gloss over the rest. I am in shock, first I thought he was just the usual cheat but his new nice job in a major hub, social life and gym visits while I look after the dc and cook, clean and take care of a large house and big garden paints a rather pre-planned big picture. He has only started to say he doesn't love me since he got there. He had the time to think bla bla bla, he will always love me but not like a husband, we will always have the children, I won't let you down, I will look after you financially.

All of my own money (i used to have a well-paid job and am an only child so some of the money my parents put away for me) is in this house. Not a huge some but about 20k. He put his pension into it (we lived off-shore for over 5 years).

The big picture that you ladies draw up for me seems cunningly well-planned, I agree. I hadn't thought about how neatly all those parts went together.

Move abroad
Set up individual bank accounts
Get social life on track
Tell her it's you not her, not much she can say then
The kids grow distant they are only small

He is not a citizen of that country, could he get my visa canxed and keep the kids?

MissingmyMarbles, yes, that comment struck me as downright odd. How can he possibly know what I feel like or can or cannot forget/forgive. Very condescending. I felt like being stabbed when he said that. He put a wall up and no matter what he says he knows his defense is solid.

What should I do with the house sale, people are really keen on viewing this weekend, our agent rang earlier to slot in 6 parties. I actually love the house but I cannot keep it on my own I think. I used to work in the City, I am too far away from any financial hub. I will have to move if I want to work full time and find childcare for all the kids. Though if he has to support me I might be able to hold on. Sorry, rambling.

Dammit and I can't drink either.

You need to speak to a solicitor asap re the money AND the Visa/kids situation. My guess would be though that he is looking forward to his new single life far too much to want to sully it with childcare.

I am for you. Don't beat yourself up too much, because you ARE seeing through him, you are seeing his condescending, headfucking bullshit for what it is.

He also said to me everytime my caller ID flashes on his phone his heart falls.

I don't understand why he needs to stick the knife in. Like he wants me to cry and react. It's really affecting me, I can't sleep at night, I am anxious and sad during the day. Every hours drags by and every day is the same. I love my kids, I don't need a break from them but I wish I could not feel anything it is dragging me down.

I hear it, I see it MadBusLady but it doesn't reach my decisionmaking. It's as if my head is wrapped in bubble wrap and all is slowmotion and concerns someone else. I cannot believe that I have seriously messed up so badly in terms of judgement and rushed into ruining mine and my kids' lives.

I think he is responsible for the messing.

So if I have this right, he is currently working away and still in regular touch with you. Well, that can stop for a start. If he wants a divorce, he can have it, but only once he's agreed to pay his fair share, and he doesn't get to torture you on the phone in the meantime.

So step one, stop talking to him. Just don't pick up or text back unless it's to tell him the kids are fine. He uses it to mess with you.

Step two is obviously tell your parents. And in fact, everybody. This is entirely his decision. He has had affairs and now claims he has never loved you and is ending the relationship. Those are the bald facts and no-one can reproach you with them. You have done nothing wrong.

Step three, cancel the viewings. Tell the EA you're ill and want to be in the house undisturbed this weekend. You're under incredible emotional strain, you're on your own with three kids and you're pregnant. AND it's not even to your advantage to sell the house. Don't ask him or explain to your husband that you're doing it, just do it.

Telling other people will make it real. Stopping talking to him will get you out of his web. I think once those things are done, you will be able to start thinking about the decisions you need to make.

Just catching up and also saying
DO NOT EMIGRATE WITH THIS MAN.

Keep away from him as much as possible. Get him to move out or do it yourself and stop contacting him apart from the essential and children, and only by e-mail or text.

You can still show the house, but you can decide to take any offers or not.

Check with a solicitor and DO NOT LET HIM GET HIS HANDS ON THE MONEY FROM THE SALE, if you do sell to move elsewhere (not abroad with him).

I should have said, if it does turn out that the house will be sold anyway (and I think a solicitor will give you an idea of a big thing like that pretty quickly), you can rearrange the viewings. I didn't mean it to sound so irrevocable. You're just postponing, as far as the EA is concerned.

He's trying to grind you down and mess with your head so that you accede to his next set of demands more easily.

Whatever you do, don't follow him abroad.That would open a whole new can of worms.

You need to get proper legal advice- definitely do not go ahead with a house sale. He knows that he can metaphorically batter you into submission at the moment, force the house sale, and trouser half the money. In proper legal settlement you and the children will be much better provided for, with a much better chance of you keeping the house. Start pursuing the CSA claim as well- though I don't know how it works if he's out of the UK.

Don't even bother giving him your headspace. You need that headspace for you and the children. You need to become clinical in your dealings with him, because he is trying to provoke you into a messy reaction. Take him at his word and start divorce proceedings.

If you have three very young children and a fourth on the way, and he is about to emigrate, you need to look at what enforcement is agreed between that country and this in terms of child support payments. You also need to look at what happens if he moves from that country to work in one which won't enforce such payments at all.

You also need to understand that if you move to a new country with him and the kids, after a while you will be customarily domiciled in that country. This may mean you can't come back here with the kids if you hate life out there - he can force you to remain. Look at downunderdolly's threads, it's happened to her. It doesn't matter how he behaves, all a family court will look at is guidelines on how to maintain both parental relationships with the kids, and staying in one city/country achieves that best. So the status quo is generally insisted upon.

Finally, do NOT agree to complete on the house without an emergency appointment with a family solicitor. Before any divorce you have no more claim on the proceeds than he does. He could go off to this new country with the lot and leave you penniless. It's happened. We were taught about such cases at university. He's leaving you, he's said horrible things to you. He's shown he is a sociopath. You CANNOT trust him to be reasonable with the money. You can lodge a wife's charge against the property on the Land Register which would stop him being able to sell it from under you (happens, too). Honestly, he could vanish into thin air as far as getting the money back is concerned. It wouldn't be a crime as he owns the house, and you would therefore have to sue him in an English court, then get that order enforced overseas. It could end up costing more than the money you'd get back, and he would know it.

Be smart. The grieving, horribly, will have to be done sometime. Protecting your children's financial interests won't wait. Call the solicitor managing the house sale and say you are withdrawing your agreement pending your own family solicitor's advice - don't worry about anyone else's convenience, worry about your children having a roof over their head and not relying on housing benefit to achieve that. Bear in mind you are soon going to have 4 very young kids, all under 7, and a court's primary interest won't be what either one of you want, but what those kids need. He won't get half the house money, because there are 5 of you and 1 of him, and the kids need to be housed. You're in a strong position to argue for far more than that. He'll know it, too.

Please, please get legal advice as soon as you possibly can. It seems blindingly obvious he knows what his strongest position would be, because he's trying to manipulate you into that.

I agree. Cancel the viewings. Nobody comes through the door unless they're YOUR friends and family and they have come to be in your corner. I think the other posters are right. He thinks he can seel your home and feck off with his cash to doubtless seduce and befuddle some other decent, lovely woman. Well the arse is going to get a shock isn't he OP - because you aren't the pushover he thinks. You've got your kids and you will get past this.

Sorry, just saw you're only at the viewings stage - this is good. I'd ask a solicitor, but your best bet IMO would be to refuse to sell until a financial settlement has been agreed. Ancillary relief will be hugely more favourable to a fulltime, married mother of 4 without recent employment history and a newborn than it will be a single, corporate-employed father. You sell, and you're chasing him for a share of his half across an ocean or two. He won't like it because it protects your financial position - I doubt very much that's his aim!

How to lodge a Class F land charge if the house isn't in joint names. It's free and means the house is unsaleable unless you consent to the sale, so he can't screw you over. No point paying a solicitor to do this. It's not complicated.

Good grief, IHearYou, please, please please do not go a single step further in selling your house until you have seen a lawyer.

You are selling the house to underwrite his move abroad? Your home, your kids home, to fund a life he has no intention of involving you in as his partner? He is comandeering your assets for himself.

Also as a f/t mother, resident parent of 4 kids, you will be entitled to FAR MORE than half the value of the house. He might be obliged to pay the mortgage for you and his kids to live in it until they are 18!

Do not take one single step until you have taken serious legal advice.

So, so sorry you are going through this. But as for wanting your old life back because it is all you have ever known...well, you dodn't really even know that life, did you? Because he was forcing you to live a lie you dind't know you were living because he was having affairs behind your back. Damaging the mental health of your dd .

You will be so much better off without this man.

You are young, you have experience of work, you will have of end of opportunity and strength in the longer term! But you can't be expected to see or feel that right now when all your being is consumed by pain. So just concentrate on looking out for your own best interests right now.

Sorry - I was in such a panic for your financial safety when I read about the house sale that I posted before reading Perfectstorm's clearly far moe knowledgable posts.

He will leave you high and dry without a home or money unless you see a lawyer!

Gosh Perfectstorm's post is sending shivers down my spine.

Please do read it and reread it Ihearyou.

We are all here to encourage you. You've already battled your way out of the fog enough to post and ask for help. You are getting somewhere. Don't give up.