DH says he never loved me, had affairs all married life. I am pg with 4th help.

[IhearyoubutIcantfeelit]

We hadbeen trying for a baby, I fell pregnant quickly. Soon afterwards I found incriminating texts and emails that hesleptwith another woman a few years agoand did various otherthings sexting etc. He betrayed my confidence by having an emotional affair with another woman who wanted my place and went to unbelievable lengths to ty and push me out.

Anyway, long story short. He has fessed up, completely. I know because I hacked all his accounts with a keylogger and a tech friend's help.

He is taking meds for his high blood pressure and has become better. He is currently on an extended biz trip. He wrote me an apology letter stating thathe is sorry he has hurt me in such an unbelievably cruel way, all these years, he says when we got together he fell for me, he was just divorced and living alone, it was such a powerful attraction. He has dark places in him and has dragged me down, he is truly sorry.

It's long please bear with me.

In a follow up call he told me he never really loved me or he wouldn't have Done what he did. He feels a powerful sexual attraction to me but objectified me and he says I can never get over the hurt he caused me, that the relationship is broken beyond repair and he wants to let me go to find someone else.

My heart is pretty manled and I am hardly keeping it together for the kids, I am endlessly crying. What am I to do? Try counseling with him? Accept that he doesn't want me anymore? I am pregnant and we have 3 little dc. I am just over 30. My life as I know it is over. Am I being stupid to try and hold On to my marriage?

OP, what a horrible situation.

Please take the advice given here. To all here it is obvious that he wants to mess with your head.
I would stop communicating with him.
It seems like he wants you to be a crying wreck in the corner so you are unable to see his scheming ways. Do Not Sell The House. Don't let him pressurize you into a sale.
Cancel all viewings and speak to a solicitor.

and to answer your original question: Don't hold on to this marriage, don't go abroad with him.

He cannot get over the hurt he caused you. The poor man, it's heartbreaking. Such an arsehole.
You WILL be better off without him, I'm sure.
Keep strong and fight, he won't expect it. Maybe he will be all weepy all of a sudden that you seem to be so strong. Maybe he will get even more cruel.
You can cry and mourn this marriage after you have secured your future. ((hugs))

As they say, don't sell, don't go abroad.

Those are HIS choices, not yours.

You can decide what YOU want and where, later on when you've nailed the financial and maintenance details.

You're pregnant and in shock.

Who is around in RL?

Take the next few days an hour at a time.

We City girls are hard nuts to crack. You'll be back, better and stronger.

Have you eaten today?

Good morning everybody, can't sleep much and have 12 week scan in London anyway so thought I'd check in with you.

MadBusLady, thank you for making such concise points, it will help me stick to them. I know what you're trying to say, I have decided to proceed with the viewings but read the link carefully about the Land Registry and will speak to my parents today and take steps to make sure H cannot sell the property or force me to do it.

Thank you inertia and northernlurker, yes the fact that he did this in a similar fashion before to two other young children is worrying. Isn't it a sign of madness if you purposefully repeat harmfaul actions again and again and again. It makes no sense.

We spoke last night and I asked if he actually enjoyed seeing me fall apart because it was affecting the children, mummy crying or not being available because he keeps me on the phone. My mum was here and I think the jig is up, she looked v concerned and brought them to bed. I told H not to call me again but to email from work or it goes to SPAM. He is not to call, me eldest can ring him and he can then speak with the others. So sad for them, they miss Daddy but the younger ones are really little so they don't understand. Daddy works away is my response.

PerfectStorm, I cannot thank you enough for the professional advice and links you have posted. Thank you so much, I really appreciate this. I have contacted a few solicitor firms to see who can deal with this as we married abroad (lived overseas for a while) and hold assets abroad. I will see who gets back to me and schedule an appointment for next week.

I hear all of you when you say do not emigrate with him. I hadn't looked at all the puzzle pieces before in such a light but I concede he has probably already sought advice and is playing me. Some of what he says makes no sense, carrot and stick I mean by this.

Thank you Blu, yes the sale was essentially going to buy us a home abroad. I am really concerned about this now as the status quo will deinitely upheld by that country and if I lost the visa there is a chance he could be vindictive and keep the kids. Not now I think he is too elated to be on his own again but if a new partner came along this might well happen. He has money and is very calm, professional, smart and posh, so not like my emotional self. He can paint a very glossy picture, it's a mask but people may realize that too late (speaking for my foolish self here)

I will be down in London today and might catch up with a few old colleagues and friends for a late lunch. Keep your fingers crossed for the scan, I will update more in the next day.

Cinnamonaddict, thank youfor the support. Your description is v accurate of him. Are those men all the same? Arethey wired to react thisway? He actually said that whenever he looks at me he sees what he has done to me and cannot get over this.

Like a person that has accidentally maimed another human being and now cannot bear to look at her maimed face... I mean what the hell? What am I meant to do? Put on a happy face and put out every night. He earnestly said if I had really cared about him wouldn't I have endulged him on skype and put stockings on? Wtf? Like all those other women he cajoled into doing this saying he was estranged from his wife. He even posed on gumtree as me to get women to send him nsked pictures. Yes, a real charmer.

He is actually a psychopath. It's not you, it's him. There is something deeply flawed in this man and you could waste years trying to understand or fix him but you never will.

Protect yourself. Protect your children. Disengage. DO NOT go abroad with him. You would be insane to do so.

Just catching up on this thread. I know it's very difficult to do this OP but please try to resist going over and over his motivations, thought processes and so on. You will never understand why he is doing this but you can drive yourself mad trying. I'm glad you've dropped all contact now so that he doesn't have the opportunity to whisper his malicious, deceitful rubbish into your ear and keep you in a state. That will help enormously. I'm relieved that your mother knows what's going on as well. It's such a burden to keep something like this to yourself.

It is perfectly OK to call 'halt' on the house sale because this is a serious game-changer. Certainly don't emigrate. Give yourself time to take advice (excellent post upthread) on what to do next, time to gather your strength, and - regardless of what he or anyone else says - there is no rush whatsoever. He is pretty much irrelevant now. This is your life... so take your time.

As for being a social pariah as a lone parent. If you are excluded, then the people you knock around with are incredibly shallow, fake and were never your friend in the first place. You will have better friends a better life and a better future. Good luck

Hi Ihearyou, I thankfully have no experience myself of these men as husband. Although I know a few.
Don't let him mess you around anymore, you will be fine.

Good luck today for the scan.
Very good idea to meet up with former colleagues.

Good luck with the scan. Don't feel obliged to inform him about it if you don't want to. Your body, this is a medical procedure. He has no rights pertaining to this pregnancy.

This man is scaring the fuck out of me

Please listen to all the advice on this thread, especially Perfectstorm's

God knows what this man is planning (and has been for some time) but I would think the very least damaging situation you could have found yourself in was trapped in a foreign country with a man given carte blanche to shag everything with a pulse and not even having to bother hiding it.

You sound a LOT clearer Ihearyou. Well done for dismissing him on the phone - now stick to it. It sounds like he keeps you on the phone because he likes hurting you, so he may well get angry that you're defying him in this and try all kinds of tricks to keep you in his emotional clutches. You'll have to be strong and see them for what they are. This is where having confidants in real life can really help, I think.

The more you say, the worse he gets. As Chub says he sounds like a proper psychopath, not just your common-or-garden unfaithful bastard.

Good luck today. Are there any old colleagues you feel close enough to to confide in?

Keep him out of your life. Don't emigrate with him - you may risk losing your children if you do. Far better that he is in another country away from you and the DC - he brings nothing good to their lives with the way he treats their mother.

Reach out to his previous wife if you want to. She may be lovely and prove a good friend, or she may not. You will only know if you get in touch with her. You don't need his permission for this, obviously.

Get financial and legal advice. You need to protect yourself and your children financially from him. Get things wrapped up as soon as possible.

Talk to RL people about your situation, including the couples in the village you live in. You have no idea what bullshit he has told them about you and your marriage, but most decent people would want to support someone going through what you are going through currently. They can only offer support if they know what is happening. Get in touch with the women for coffee etc.

OP, I am so pleased you will see a solicitor. IMO. This is the most important thing you can do to protect yourself.

Followed by doing your best to only see things from the pov of you and your children. It doesn't matter what he says so there's no advantage in trying to understand it. It is all based on manipulative dishonest shit! The Gumtree stuff is horrible. He is messing with your head so try not to let him near it. Your mind and your obvious intelligence are YOURS, don't hand any more of yourself over to him.

The good news is that you have everything it takes to be a better parent to your children if you are on your own. With legal support and if this man is prevented from leaving you asset-helpless (as he obviously plans) it sounds as if you will even be financially secure in a home and assets sense.

Hope your scan goes well, it's a lovely sunny day today, think of it asighting up a brighter future for you a d your children. Take lots of care of yourself. Xxx

Imagine: he wants to sell the house that you put your £20k capital into and invest it in property in a country that you can only live in if on HIS Visa. A man who tells you he doesn't love you and who dishonestly entices women to send him naked photos? The list of ways in which this is all wrong is a v long list.

Can I ask, if you go ahead with viewings and someone makes an offer, who will the EA. contact? Offers have to be put in writing. Suppose the EA. emails your DH ?

Good luck today. As others have said, thank goodness he didn't spring this on you on six months time, when you would have been overseas, no relations nearby and with your four children potentially trapped there.

Interesting as to his timing. Presumably he, in an ideal world in his head, would sell the family home, take 50% and relocate off to La La land leaving you with 4 children to manage.

You're a City girl, with a strong head on strong shoulders. The more you detach from him, the better your planning will be. Just get the legals sorted as much as possible now, then relax and enjoy your pregnancy and the precious summer holidays with your children.

Some really good advice here. I have none to add but to tell you I am a lone parent with 2 children. I am absolutely fine. I am so much happier now I am out of an unhappy marriage. My children are 6 and 4 and they are fine too. Really, really fine. I am in control of my own destiny.

I focused on setting up a happy life for my children. When faced with a problem I think about what will make an exceptional life for me and my children. For me, this meant making the decision that we would be happier without my ex husband who is an alcoholic. My children and I deserve the best, not second best to alcohol. You and your children deserve more too.

Do talk to people. I was blown away by unexpected offers of help and support from people I knew only superficially. They have become wonderful friends.

You will also know, when you get through this, that you are strong and can cope with whatever life throws at you. Some people never find this out and live in fear of the worst.

By the way, I managed to negotiate 100% of the equity and the house contents.

Would it be possible to take the house off the market and get a financial settlement sorted before selling it? It might make reclaiming the investment you put into it more straightforward. I think if you sell before you instigate divorce/financial settlement, he will have that money tied up in a new property overseas before you can "where the fuck is my money?".

Whatever your distress currently, you need to try to keep a clear head and understand that he is your worst enemy at this moment. He will try to stitch you up in any way he can. He wants what is his and what is yours too.

YY to stopping the sale.

He would never have told you all this if you hadn't found out and confronted him with rock solid evidence. He would have moved you and the dc abroad with him to continue his awful behaviour.

Good timing on your end, well done you. It sounds like it was a close call.

You sound amazingly strong. I know you don't feel it, but what is happening is truly horrific - this will probably be the worst time of your whole life - and you are coping magnificently. Most of us would be on the floor.

So glad you're checking out a few solicitors - they absolutely need to be ones used to handling family cases with international aspects, as you've realised (again with the being on the ball in devastating circumstances). If you've not contacted Bindmans I can definitely vouch for their being really, really excellent. A friend was represented by one of their partners and was so impressed, and they're well used to international cases, too. They used to offer a free initial interview, which might give you a chance to suss out the lay of the land.

Don't use a lawyer to lodge the land charge, though. You'll be charged hundreds of pounds an hour, and it's really simple. If you're too tired and stressed to want to deal with it, ask your parents to handle the paperwork?

Yes I've changed my mind about letting him fuck off with 50% just to get him out of your hair. Cancel the viewings, tell the estate agent you are ill. Don't be pushed just say it is not happening. Is the house in his sole name? If so do the land charge immediately. If it is in joint names he can't sell without you (or a court order and he won't get one).

oops im new to this thread thing and posted something incorrectly...so so so sorry!!!!

OP, good luck for your scan today.

I think you've had some excellent advice here. I strongly recommend a book called Divorce and Splitting Up by Marilyn Stowe, available for 99p on Kindle. It has some useful examples of dirty tricks people use, and has examples of people who have moved to a different jurisdiction in order to start a divorce there where the legal rules favour themselves.

I would also act quickly if you can in terms of legal advice (although appreciate you have other things on your mind today) as I seem to recall that if there are two possible jurisdictions, it's a question of which petition gets filed first.

He may have had legal advice already, or at the very least is likely to know others who have divorced internationally. Look after yourself.

Hello Ihearyou

I'm so sorry you are going through this dreadful dreadful time. I wanted to post as perfectstorm referenced me upthread and I wanted to share a little and add to the very wise words you have received already on the thread.

First and foremost as most people have commented. If your marriage is in any doubt let alone on a precipice DON'T MOVE away from yoru support system.

If you are both UK citizens you may have more freedom to move back if things go wrong but if things go awry (even if you can or want to get through this situation which sounds questionable) you will be beholden to him as the 'provider' and if you are overseas as a visitor you will be unable to access any benefits, emergency counselling, any type of pastoral or financial support and this will play into his hands. For example (and not wishing you to 'out' yourself), I am in Australia. My ex-H is Australian and I had been here for 2 years when he left for OW. Whilst I am unable to leave due to son being born here, I have been able to access health care and was temporarily on benefits a while back to get back on my feet. This is not available for people on work visas in anyway. I did not investigate what would happen if we split as I thought we were 'soul mates' blah blah....tbh had I have done so would not have changed things as I did not foresee what happened. BUT I counsel anyone about to move to look into all of these things. Similarly, child access is different here and I am in middle of custody 'battle' about access to DS. We had agreed 8 nights a month + half holidays and my ability to go to UK during main summer (xmas holidays)...he has now changed mind and wants DS 50/50 and is seeking to stop me travelling home (he may or may not be successful but despite the 1.75 hour commute a day to school and removal from my son's community for 2 weeks a month, he stands a chance vs the 'norms in the UK'.

Secondly - and whilst I wish this was not the case for so many women - I wanted to let you know that you are not the only person to have fallen in love with and married someone that turns into a stranger, and a horrifying stranger - at that overnight. There is no shame and it is no reflection on you.

Without having tickets on myself, I was 34 when I met my ex-H (so no young ingénue), in a high powered job that predicates itself on emotional intelligence, history of 'normal' relationships with nice people, great friends yet managed to marry what I'm beginning to believe is a sociopath. The only 'wrong' friend I have made in my life. He was amazing when I was married to him but had a track record (had been married before like yours but no contact as no children and before my time in a different country) of walking away from his life (knew he had been married but as no contact wasn't aware of the issues involved until post our split from his friends in Oz) until one day he walked out for OW. We were in middle of IVF. I thought he was having mid-life crisis as we had lost several pregnancies and had a difficult time.

However when in middle of egg collection (which he agreed to go through with a few days later) said as I was crying and bleeding "you may as well shut the fuck up crying as I feel nothing for you". I'm writing this not to gain sympathy but to let you know that I very well know the feeling of feeling your life suddenly be tossed over the side of the cliff and the feeling of free-falling and being in a dream like state as surely this can't be happening.

It has been a hard few years but I am and will continue to recover. I am (evenings of drinking too much wine and figuratively howling to the moon) stronger than I realised and probably a nicer person now. My life is not how I wanted or imagined but I am now 2.5 years later seeing shoots of possibility and having dodged the bullet of a life that looked perfect (big house, big cars, big holidays, handsome husband) and I thought was close to but was a big lie. Heartbreaking to realise, brain-numbing to try and figure out how I didn't see it, but when you are faced with people that wear a mask and hide their true selves it is impossible to see.

Huge love and luck with navigating and even though you have to be the strongest and smartest at precisely the moment you are least emotionally and physically equipped to do so, try and make the wisest choices you can and lean on RL support.

Dolly x

Excellent post, dolly