Dating thread 58 everyone welcome

[Kirstywirsty]

The Rules

1. Develop a thick skin;
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
4. Trust your gut instinct;
5. People vanishing, lying and being generally weird to you are not your fault
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you
7. If it's not fun, stop
8. loo update is mandatory

Hmm first non-OD date in forever tonight. I'd forgotten what it was like. it is nice. I'm starting to think that I can't do casual. It felt like I was sneaking around behind fling guy's back. I keep repeating to myself that in modern dating anything goes until exclusivity has been agreed, but I still feel a bit weird arranging another date with non-OD guy (which he appears to be dead keen on). I declined to sleep with him (which he also appeared dead keen on). Especially as fling guy is making a lot of non-fling gestures.

Typical isn't it Stranger Feast or famine.

Stranger I get really confused about this anything goes in dating stuff. To be honest, if I didn't come on here, I wouldn't have thought or known that anything goes, I'd have carried on as I would with real life dating which is essentially one person at a time (and which is actually what I've done anyway as I don't feel at all comfortable seeing more than one person at a time).

How do you know if someone's playing by the "anything goes in online dating" rules or by the "normal standards of conduct" rules? How do people generally find out that OD has these different rules? Does OD actually have different rules or is that just something put about by some people to justify them behaving in a way that would normally be frowned upon?

OWW I think it might be imported from the SITC style of dating. 'Dating' as opposed to 'going out with', 'seeing someone' that we've always had. I met a couple of NYers on OD and I asked them how it worked in RL. The view was that you dated lots of people but it was just like meeting different people socially until you had the exclusive chat. I was surprised that apparently it was fine to sleep with any and I suppose that now we 'date' that is the template. I do find it odd as why keep seeing someone unless you feel something and if you feel something then how do you sleep with anyone else and give anyone proper attention.

I wonder about that too OWW. I wouldn't feel comfortable seeing more than one person at a time (as I said last thread WRT Mr Lovely and Mr RL - and actually Mr RL is no longer as appealing as I think I'm a bit hung up on Mr Lovely!)

I assumed from the offset that Mr Lovely was going to be playing by OD 'rules' and just accepted that he'd still be chatting and possibly arranging dates with other women, but now I'm not so sure.

Certainly for me, I'm not looking. I think being as he's going to be staying over at mine this w/e, and as we will certainly be having coffee again I'm going to have the exclusive conversation this w/e. I'm pretty sure it already is exclusive, but I want to know IYKWIM?

I think the timing won't be rushed - we've been chatting for 4+ weeks, we had a date 3+ weeks ago and there've been three of those plus four (I think) more informal meet ups. I think if I say that I want to ensure exclusivity that's ok isn't it? I'm not asking for promises of a future, just security for now.

Can you tell that I'm stressing about this?!

Yes, absolutely, Juliette - how does that work? If you are seeing and sleeping with lots of different people (without them being explicitly aware that you're doing this) then you are essentially a love rat and trying to gloss over it by saying it's acceptable dating behaviour really doesn't cut it with me. I suppose that's more acceptable if you're looking for something casual, but I'm not, and I think it must be very difficult to get any sort of relationship off the ground if one or both people are behaving like this.

I've overlapped a couple of times but only when I've had a pre-arranged first date and have arranged a second date with the last person I had a first date with, if that makes sense.

I see myself as going out with someone or seeing them than "dating".

Title I agree, it's not a thing to rush but I think you are in a position for things to be made clear so that you know where you are. This is the whole thing that I find very weird. In a normal relationship it wouldn't occur to me to have that conversation as I'd just assume that that was the case. I've only been in one relationship via OD where I've been bothered about this but think I might be bothered quite soon with Alpha. But I suspect he is playing by "normal" rules. So confusing.

I don't think there is anything wrong with multi dating, but I wouldn't do it if I was sleeping with someone. I don't think OD should be much different to RL. This Americanism of dating is just pants really and an attempt to make money for the OD companies.

I don't think the 'rules' are different in OD per se, it's just the intensity that is different. When you meet people in real life, at a party, a bar, at work, whatever, you generally don't meet many people at the same time. So you meet someone, fancy them, date them and get to know them after a few meals, drinks etc. And it may not work out for whatever reason, so you go back to being single.

With OD, it's much more intensive as you have stuck your sign out, get mails from people, or mail people yourself, and set up dates with the ones you've chatted to who seem good. Sometimes there are droughts where no-one seems decent enough to meet, sometimes there may be 2 or 3 at a time, and you have to meet them within a reasonable period of time.

Next week when I'm back in foreign parts, I'm supposed to meet Aruba on Tuesday (from Match.com), Hungarian girl #3 on Wednesday (who I met in RL), possibly also CheshireCat although I can't be arsed there.

Then the following week I have FrenchGirl coming to stay for a few days (she keeps saying how she can't wait to see me, she's really excited about seeing me, she's really looking forward to seeing me... Which is strange considering she dumped me last time)

So, I'd rather space these things out over a month or so, but that's not the way the cards have fallen.

ProperStumped yeah feel free to PM me!

Hello all

We're gonna need a bigger sofa....

Mr Sarf London Geeze backed off considerably since my confession that I felt vulnerable and could become attached. Final straw for me though was his massive rant about his ex last week and how he hoped that now he had his own place, his kids would realise it was 'shit' living with their mum with her total lack of authority and come to live with him full time (they are 15 and 10). What an arse. My sympathies lie entirely with his ex...

STB-exH confessed last week that he felt he'd made a mistake in leaving last year and was very confused, especially as he realised his relationship with his exactly half my age girlfriend probably wouldn't go anywhere. That was food for thought... or it was until last night when he told me to forget he'd said anything and was actually happy the way things are.

Jeez. The thought of trawling Match and PoF again..

I'm off to a 'posh' BBQ later and have the feeling I'm going to get utterly ratarsed!

Re: multiple dating

when i started OD I wanted to "try out the market" a bit. didn't really "know" what worked for me in terms of man or how I wanted to structure a relationship, so I needed to just suss out what did?

never struggled with finding men who wanted me to be their girlfriend or more, BUT from my relationship experience I know that's not the "main thing" - fell in love about a month after I joined match.com, was reciprocated, and I couldn't follow up! Thought there was something wrong with me!

Now - I think the guy - though attractive - was similar in personality to my first 2 long term partners. Not dreadful guys, but not working for me and I couldn't be happy or grow with them. Not wanting to be with him was my subconscious instincts saying "no, the same thing is gonna happen". So a good call really.

Then: stage where I was "playing the numbers game" a bit badly though? Collecting lots of first dates and sleeping with with men I felt "meh" about in the hope that something would stick or I'd develop feelings or that i could convince myself to accept a relationship structure i didn't want? Saw a LOT of nice restaurants ha ha, but "not feeling it"?

Now I got my confidence back after a very good love affair that developed as a result of that "pick anyone" year, so have faith that "yes, there will be someone who I love and am attracted to who doesn't want marriage/babies". also i trust my ability to "identify/call what i want" a lot more.

So since that ended my dating strategy has changed - only slept with one - someone i was 100% interested in and enthusiastic about. i'll still multiple date but am gonna slow down and eliminate anyone who i feel about ASAP. and once i meet someone and am sleeping with him, i'll give it a month or so exclusive, see what develops.

so for me wasn't a "moral" thing with the sex/multiple dating, more a "using the dating process to develop my ability to identify what exactly I want".

sorry NewStart not ProperStumped. this thread moves fast

Smoothie enjoy your barbeque - do you actually have sunshine? It's grey and rainy and bloody cold here. Good call on SLG - that rant about his ex sounds horrid, such a giveaway about what sort of person he is. Would actually love to see him cope full-time with a teen and pre-teen haha. STBX is game playing, isn't he, seeing if he can tug your string so I wouldn't be surprised if he's back again saying the same thing a couple of months down the line . . .

Lorna my strategy has been the multiple first dates too, and I still think it's a numbers game and a matter of getting out and meeting as many people as possible to maximise your chances of finding someone who you click with. I don't have a problem with that at all, but it's all a very confused area to me about how things change and are/aren't communicated as you move towards seeing one person rather than having first/second dates with a succession of people.

I am not arranging any more dates and have stopped going online looking for the moment but I think it is probably prudent to keep this to myself for a while yet. Or is it? Any advice here would be good, thanks.

ha ha well OWW gotta say I'm still myself about it. i don't think there's "one optimum strategy" really? every situation is different.

i guess a conversation about sexual health once you start sleeping together is natural, and essential of course?

(but then how do you know they aren't still "open to meeting new people"?)

might have to sit on your hands and wait for the super fine Scot to bring it up, he seems to be very on the ball so far? i tend to think that if men want to get things exclusive, even if they are nervous, they'll try and "lock things down" as soon as they can, as they don't want YOU meeting anyone new.

i'm also place marking and interested to hear others POV here!

Oh blimey Lorna we are not at the sex conversation stage at all yet, this is going very slowly which I am more than happy with. I don't know for sure but have a feeling that it's not occurred to him that we would be seeing other people. Nothing has been said, but he is new to OD, only had three or four first dates before me over several months, and so I think he might not be fully switched on to the "dating" mindset. However, I could be entirely wrong about that and he could be setting up other dates left, right and centre, who knows?

As usual, I think hanging fire and seeing what happens is a fine plan

Cheers OWW - I was surprised at SLG's rant about his ex as he'd always been quite respectful when talking about her previously which I appreciated. And yes, STB-ex is definitely game-playing. He saw that I had lost 2 stone, become independent, met someone and probably didn't like it. As far as I'm concerned he can now fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there... etc etc!

Hello everyone else and sorry to do the usual and just barge in, in a me me meeee way but I'm still following all of your ups and downs. Fnarr.

Interesting and useful discussion on multi-dating. I think once you've started sleeping with someone, morally my instincts are more towards Juliette's and OWW's point of view, which is why I've been feeling like a bit of a rat bag. I'm definitely not going to sleep with guy number 2 if I'm still seeing number 1, but haven't ruled out another date yet, although I feel I shouldn't do it.

And there are complications to trying to be good. Agreeing to exclusivity with someone - even if not explicitly - means that you are closing yourself off to other opportunities. This is fine if person number 1 ticks whatever it is you're looking for (and even if you think they do, you can never know that for a while), but if not is it really necessary to decide wholesale to end it or close yourself off to other options? I guess the problem is you can never say to someone "you can have 50% of me until something better comes along".

Also there's still that worry that you could do everything above board and not be a love rat and then someone else turns around and declares they've decided to get serious about someone you had no idea about.

OWW I stopped going online after the DTD and have kept that to myself. I think bringing it up does inevitably lead to some kind of what's going on conversation.

sounds like a good plan to me!

i mean if you're still ambiguous in 6 months then time to re-assess but for now i think the "slow burn" and the anticipation thing sounds wonderful!

must say i get the vibe most sorted men actually don't like the idea of being some "playah" type with lots of options, would rather concentrate on one woman they actually like. we're not in bloody New York!

Personally, I don't want to be in a situation where I'm DTD with more than one woman (well, apart from the obvious threesome fantasy :) - it's overcomplicated, I'd feel guilty, I'd be second guessing everything I said in case I'd mixed them up, and I'd feel I was cheating on both of them.

In order to get to the point where I DTD with one of them, I'm in some kind of 'relationship' even if it's very early days. I think I learned from the Buffy situation that FWB is fun, but has it's own set of problems, and life is really complex enough without trying to manage two FWB, and a job, and DC, and everything else.

So I'm classing myself as potentially monogamous. Once I'd DTD with one person, I'll break things off with other people I'm dating, but as it stands I'm just meeting people for drinks, I'm not 'seeing' anyone yet.

OWW even before you have DTD you can have a chat along the lines of "what are you looking for?" when he should tell you if he is ODing for fun and to meet lots of people or if he is looking for the one. I think more/most are looking for a relationship - who really finds dating ( however you define it) enjoyable??
On other matters am taking Meet Up guy to some friends for dinner; first real outing that is not just us. We have been going to the occasional meet up activity together - walks, meals - with others. He is very friendly, has a high likeability quotient, so I am not really worried about him. But there is always a niggle - what if my friends react negatively ( take me to one side, saying WTF). I don't think that will happen. This particular Rubicon needs crossing though, and my anxieties once again emerge.

Ranger - I think many men are looking for a relationship - but one thing that's become obvious from this thread over the last year or so is - some men will say they're looking for a relationship/exclusivity before they have DTD, and then will change their mind the next morning - or never intended to be exclusive in the first place

The answer to 'who really finds dating enjoyable' is: Those people who want to meet and seduce lots of people then move on to the next one.

I quite enjoy dating, to be honest, it's not a chore, it's not unpleasant. But I personally don't feel the need to shag and run, I'd rather move on before DTD. I'd like to stop 'dating' and see someone longer term, but it is quite fun in the meantime, as long as no one is getting hurt.

I have never being 'seeing' more than one person. I am a one man woman

When I was younger if I felt the grass was possibly greener elsewhere, I jumped ship first.

"I think I learned from the Buffy situation that FWB is fun, but has it's own set of problems, and life is really complex enough without trying to manage two FWB, and a job, and DC, and everything else."

Yeah, that's the vibe i get from a lot of men i've dated?

even if they "could" string out the dating process for ages, there's no social benefit to them doing so, especially if they have a lot of other life commitments? they'd rather close the deal with the first woman they feel enthusiastic about. most 30-something englishmen aren't trying to be Hugh Hefner or Silvio Berlusconi!

once read a funny quote on a football forum where there was a thread about cheating. not exact words, but one man said something like "bloody hell, i don't have the energy/time/money to keep one woman happy, let alone two!".

i think its good for women to just stay quiet and read the signals though? spend time together, be nice, but watch carefully to see what they guy does/says rather than try to shoehorn him into your life or ask for a statement of intention too soon.

no one on this thread is like this, thank god, but i know one or two women IRL who try and make someone their official boyfriend by sleeping with him under the guise of "casual", inviting him over for home cooked meals, leading the way on holidays etc, organising EVERYTHING, telling everyone they're an item ... and ignoring that he isn't actually instigating anything himself, just going with the flow. always seems to end in tears!

Lorna Home cooked meals. What are these things you speak off?

ha ha 48 i know! i "can't" cook and am a rubbish hostess (hate tidying up) so i can never offer this option