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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 58 everyone welcome

999 replies

Kirstywirsty · 02/07/2013 07:46

The Rules

  1. Develop a thick skin;
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
  4. Trust your gut instinct;
  5. People vanishing, lying and being generally weird to you are not your fault
  6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you
  7. If it's not fun, stop
  8. loo update is mandatory
OP posts:
OhWesternWind · 13/07/2013 08:58

Thank you everyone - the problem is I know what an emotionally un available tosser he is, but I'm still tempted to get in touch. I won't I hope but sometimes there are weak pissed moments. I know even if I did see him again it would just be the same old crap or maybe he's sorted himself out and it would be such a bad idea. But I can't explain what I feel, it could have been brilliant if he hadn't been an arse haha.

My years of Sunday school training have given me this pearl of wisdom: As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly. See even Jesus is telling me that Mr DogVom is a bad idea just to back up you lovely lot.

Will post a less self-centred post in a couple of minutes, sorry for taking over with this but I'm a bit knocked for six to be honest.

OhWesternWind · 13/07/2013 09:24

Nora lovely to see you, miss you. Sorry you're not in a great place at the moment and hoping that's a very, very temporary situation. Xx

Mama sounds good. But remember Rule 2. When's the date?

Scrazy will refer you to my bible quote! Glad life is good otherwise and someone new and lovely will be along soon.

48 how are things going with the mothers? Fingers crossed all is well.

Porridge it's early days, take it slowly and don't jump into anything you're not sure about. It can be difficult especially after an abusive relationship but trust your gut feelings and post on here.

porridgecarver · 13/07/2013 09:31

How long can they hold out before cracks in their story would show? It has annoyed me that one n*b has tainted my previous positive attitude to people but he has Sad

JulietteMontague · 13/07/2013 09:56

Porridge according to MN wisdom on the relationship boards, they often start in after about two years, or anytime when you are vulnerable eg pregnancy, financially dependent, depressed etc.

The only way to know is to get your radar finely tuned. Sometimes it can take a little while, but this thread is invaluable for support and a gentle second opinion so keep posting Smile

OWW sorry this has knocked you, it will pass lovely. As Kin says, he has done it because it's what they do. All of them even a year later in my case. If he cared about you and respected you he would keep away. He was always passive aggressive and pity me anyway, so this fits perfectly with his MO.

porridgecarver · 13/07/2013 10:03

JULIETTE that sounds exactly right with ex, everything was ok until the children came along, will tune in my radar!

Newstart13 · 13/07/2013 10:53

oww totally get that as I know others do. Am convinced my emotionally un available ex will do exactly that in a few months from now and it will throw me yet again...

I really hope you can focus on new lovely things and opportunities, I can tell you are a caring thoughtful person and unfortunately I think the emotionally unavilable prey on us.. Harder women wouldn't have got involved to start with. I would rather be who I am though.

Anyway I know you know all that just wanted to show my support.

Hi to everyone else.

Off to meet FP at 1pm, just lunch. So far he is doing what he says he will - as I say, refreshing. We'll see, just going to have a nice time. Smile

OhWesternWind · 13/07/2013 10:59

Why do they do this though Juliette? I don't really know what he's after - a catch up? A meet up? Start things off again? Drunken moment he's regretting like he this morning?

OhWesternWind · 13/07/2013 11:03

Thank you New for your kind words. Hope your twunty ex stays away but it's funny, I think most of the people on here have had them popping up again out of the blue. I need/want to focus on things with lovely Alpha who's a far, far better man, but oh dear this has got my thoughts turning back to LM.

Have a lovely lunch with FP. Doing what he says he will is great Smile

scrazy · 13/07/2013 13:18

OWW, I read your quote thanks.

I know how you are feeling over these texts. I'm afraid I would be tempted to reply along the lines of 'Who is this'? I find it hard to let go of people who I have dated and if they want to keep in touch, I usually do. So no useful advice from me, sorry.

Porridge, you cannot tell what people are and what they are thinking. All you can do at this stage is take him at face value and stop doing it if it's not fun anymore.

I'm out tonight, thank goodness. I couldn't face another night home by myself, was climbing the walls last night.

OhWesternWind · 13/07/2013 13:26

Sorry Scrazy I was being a bit facetious with that quote. I know if I reply no good will come of it but I'm very tempted. But as with most things there's no rush and I'm not going to do anything. But I probably have an old friend coming round tonight for wine and I know I'll think it's a brilliant plan to reply once I've had a glass or two

Where are you off to tonight?

scrazy · 13/07/2013 13:32

Going to a night do at a hotel. I don't know the people getting married, have only met them once and they invited me as a plus one with my mate. It's quite informal and there might be a chance of going round town later.

OhWesternWind · 13/07/2013 13:34

Sounds excellent Scrazy, a good laugh and some new men people, just the thing for a hot Saturday night.

scrazy · 13/07/2013 13:36

How about the 'who is this'? reply. DD has just had this one from someone who asked for her number Grin. It's led to a date, so maybe not.

I didn't reply and deleted a text to LT on the last break we had. It didn't do me any favours and it was me itching to get in touch again. I think it's fine to ignore and delete if you really couldn't give a toss, but if you can well.....

OhWesternWind · 13/07/2013 13:43

Well the problem is just that you see Scrazy I do give a toss, wish I didn't but this has really stirred things up for me. Logically I know he's no good for me at all, I can remember the horrible anxiety I got when I was seeing him, and he let me down very badly. But I really did love him, more fool me. But I would be even more foolish to go there again, there's nothing good can come out of it is there? He won't have changed.

KinNora · 13/07/2013 13:58

Speaking as a dog with a track record of vomit-returning, I think the question to ask yourself is 'will being in touch with him again make me feel better or worse ?' the answer to that will tell you what you should do.

( Daily, sometimes twice daily, email exchanges with Spud at the moment, turns out that talking to him makes me feel happier and sleep better than not being in contact with him, I'm under no illusions though and will not be meeting up with him at any point )

Snapespeare · 13/07/2013 14:12

oww I know it's easier said than done, but ignore (I know you will!) he wants something, he's testing the water to see if he can work his way back in and he will not have changed, he isn't casually saying hi or checking hinges are OK with you, he's trying to set something up. Treat him with the absolute disdain he deserves and ignore.

had very busy week. DD was 18 (shreikofhorror!) we went to Greenwich on the riverboat, had a very expensive glass of wine and then a kick-ass HUGE Chinese. It was lovely! :-)

Things still fab with nameless. Went to his last night, he suggested going up to the local park to watch the sunset (sigh!) he'd bought new pillows (that needed to be tested with lots of sex) then he cooked me dinner, we watched a film, he's just absolutely fucking super! Very happy [vom] still no 'I love you's' but that isn't an issue just now. I can tell we do.

JulietteMontague · 13/07/2013 14:16

OWW they do it because they don't like the idea that they are not the centre of your attention. They do it to feed their ego. They do it as they don't like the idea you are not on standby, in their hareem and in LM's case because he likes a fan club for his poor me times. It's all about him.

Ok sliding doors alternative scenario Text him back. Have a chat, maybe meet up. Although a chat will be difficult as he likes to take days to reply and the sadness you feel now is going to be multiplied by 10. You then think, I'll take control and phone him. Tricky, he feeds of attention so may not answer. If he does text back or bother to answer his phone you're going to feel happy, start thinking about him and even be grateful. You'll hope he's changed. He won't have of course, the time to do that was when he was with you. You may meet up, he'll be charming and lovely. Give it a couple of weeks, you'll be back where you were before except that now you have changed, you will dump his arse even faster but not before he's taken just a little more confidence away

Have you done the reading old posts? You are a different person now. You really have moved on and without wanting to sound patronising, you are stronger, happier and have the world and motorbikes at your feet.

scrazy · 13/07/2013 14:33

OWW, no he won't have changed, I agree with this.

Like Kin, I am still in touch with mine but won't be meeting up again. Not unless he says he wants to change for me and I don't see that happening.

OhWesternWind · 13/07/2013 14:33

Thank you, wise wise people.

Nora - the answer is worse, because Juliette's scenario is so, so true. Thank you for that, it's exactly what would happen except by then I'd also have cocked things up with Alpha by doing it, and that's something I really don't want to do. I am curious about what he wants but never mind, I can live with that. I will take it as a compliment that I am so unforgettable and will step lightly on.

If I come here blethering about him tonight after wine, please someone just tell me to catch myself on and ignore him.

Snape and lovely Nameless - so happy for you.

Nora as you can see, I understand the thing with Spud. Hope he's being okay with you.

Have got new Palma Violets CD so am sitting in the cool shade listening to music and dreaming up ways of getting Alpha into a massage situation ...

OhWesternWind · 13/07/2013 14:36

Thanks Scrazy sorry cross posted. I don't think he'll have changed either so it would be more of the same old crap. No. I think your decision not to meet is wise too.

JulietteMontague · 13/07/2013 14:36

OWW Put the phone in the car if you have to, just don't make me go to Death Stare Two Grin

JulietteMontague · 13/07/2013 14:40

Scazy your situation is slightly different but I also think you are wise not to meet up. This too will pass, although it is tough to do.

Flipper924 · 13/07/2013 14:41

OWW, I don't need to offer any advice about what to do, because you've had the best advice here already, but I wanted to say that sometimes feelings just happen in response to something. We can't always control them, but they don't need to be acted on. Perhaps give your phone to your friend this evening, though?

Porridge, I wonder the same. I'm not sure (at the moment) if I will ever stop looking for red flags. I really hope I will be able to trust someone again, but he will have to prove himself first. I think this is ok, though.

Glad things are going well for Snape and Nameless, and sorry you're feeling low, Nora. Look after yourself, and do be careful with Spud.

Flipper924 · 13/07/2013 14:43

Snameless?

Oh, and 3DD has finally put me on his normal 'phone. I am suitably thrilled Hmm

KinNora · 13/07/2013 14:57