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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's left

47 replies

ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 09:58

I need some hand holding and encouragement.

It's been coming for a while. Huge argument on Friday morning kicked off because ds and I were chatting through the news he wanted to see. Ds witnessed some horrific arguments.

Tried to be all cuddly and lovey this morning, saying he's worried about my mental health. I'm rock bottom because he's out me here with his attacks and verbal batterings. He as asked me what I wanted to do. I told him he had to go. Huge dramatics as he packed a bag. He wanted the bank card (all the money is in my account) and threatened to batter me in front of ds. He grabbed me round the neck. He hates me.

So he's gone. I need him for childcare though. I started a new job last week. I don't know what to do. He said he'll be in touch in a couple of weeks.

OP posts:
Jubelteen · 30/06/2013 10:05

Phone your local Women's Aid for help. You don't need a man purely for childcare, he's abusing you and you've done the right thing asking him to leave - I hope you didn't give him the bank card? Don't go back on your decision without getting some expert advice xxx

Original poster
ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 10:11

Yeah he's got the card but has only taken £300 as that's all that was in it. That's our spend account, the bills are covered in another account. Neither of us earn much at all.

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kalidanger · 30/06/2013 10:17

He's not left! You've chucked him out! Good for you as he and your relationship sound truly awful Sad

He's probably only gone as he's sure you don't mean it, because he think you really do need him. But you don't need him at all Thanks

Jubelteen · 30/06/2013 10:18

If it's not a joint account, and he threatened with you with violence to hand over the card and has now cleared out the account, then call the police. Do you really want this man in your life?

Original poster
ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 10:21

His wages are in that account, is in my name. He hasn't got a bank account.

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Longdistance · 30/06/2013 10:24

Report the card stolen. Call the police. Get some help from Women's Aid.

Make sure he doesn't come back. You really don't need this man, he sounds violent and toxic.

Thanks
LEMisdisappointed · 30/06/2013 10:26

I'm glad hes gone!!! Hopefully someone will come along with practical advice re child care, are their any family members that can help you out? You don't need a man who threatens violence in front of his children anywhere near him.

QueenandKingMum · 30/06/2013 10:26

Can you protect the account bills come out of? Also ring cab to see what you are eligible for assistance, ie housing. Can you change locks?

Original poster
ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 10:32

Yeah the bill account is safe.

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Original poster
ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 10:35

How do I mean it? We've been here before and I always want him back as its easier.

This morning he was trying to cuddle me and I said he hasn't even said sorry. He never does afterwards. But he did this morning. Then 2 minutes later he's angry and feeling me he's not sorry. He actually ripped my top off me oh Friday morning.

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ponygirlcurtis · 30/06/2013 10:42

Paradise am hand holding (although wont be back on now till later*. Really well done for asking him to leave and following through. He's been physically abusive towards you, as well as verbally. You need him out of your DS's life - I know he'll need to see his dad, but not living with an abusive adult makes a massive difference to kids. My son is currently getting help from both WA and CAMHS due to the abuse he experienced from my STBXH (not his dad) - and he was never physical with me in front of DS1. Even the verbal stuff affects them badly.

If you can, call WA as a priority, or email your local branch. Call 101 for advice about the bank card and getting support there too. I know it seems a lot, and is overwhelming, but take one thing at a time. You and your DS are now safe, I just want you to be able to keep it that way.

Oh, and come and have a look at the Emotional Abuse support thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1778451-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-23, and see if we can give you some support as well. Take care.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/06/2013 10:49

Think about it, you don't seriously want someone like this looking after your children, do you?

yamsareyammy · 30/06/2013 10:50

If you were able to cope on your own, physically, and emotionally, would you want him back then?

Original poster
ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 10:51

We've been hanging by a thread for so long. He's very unwell, has an operation coming up. I'm going to look like the bad one. No one knows what he has done to me in the past.

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Original poster
ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 10:53

I can cope. I just feel he's deliberately sabotaging my new h job, I've wanted this job for so long. I took it meaning I would be working full time for the summer when he was off to look after the boys

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MadameJosephine · 30/06/2013 10:53

Well done OP and good riddance! When this man abuses you he also abuses your DS. I've been in your shoes and believe me this is the best thing you could have done for your DS as well as for yourself. Stay strong and do not let him back!

Original poster
ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 10:58

I need to tell someone in real life don't I? That'll make it real.

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ImperialBlether · 30/06/2013 11:04

You really do need to tell someone you know about him. Can you talk to your mum?

About childcare - how was he going to look after the boys if he's working? How old are your children? I bet they are glad he's gone.

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/06/2013 11:06

Chick telling someone in real life means no longer having to keep a secret, when you keep secrets they have the most incredible power over you. You may even find that some people didnt think he was all that anyway but didnt say anything because they didnt think it was their place.

Once everything is out and aired, then you can start accepting its over and hopefully people will be forth coming with offers of help. This is the first day of the rest of your and your kids lives, grab it and hold on tight.

Oh and massive respect for kicking his arse out because thats what you did.

Original poster
ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 11:08

He works term time so on holiday as of Friday.

My family adore him. Joke about not knowing how he puts up with me.

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onefewernow · 30/06/2013 11:12

You do need to tell someone. So brave of you to get rid.

Can I just say that a bit of what you say in your posts sounds like you are excusing him. And in other posts, so matter of fact about what he does to you.

You poor woman. This pig has got you feeling in the past that it is almost normal, or at least understandable. It isn't.

I really hope your job goes well and that sooner or later you have some counselling for yourself, or do the Freedom programme.

QueenandKingMum · 30/06/2013 11:18

Tell them all, it's not your dirty secret, it's his. Get the practical stuff sorted, and ask parents for childcare? If not working tax credits for help with childcare?

QueenandKingMum · 30/06/2013 11:18

Take the power back

Original poster
ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 11:19

I don't see myself as a victim right now. I have as good as I got at times. The whole thing is pretty toxic

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Original poster
ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 11:26

Gave

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