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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's left

47 replies

ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 09:58

I need some hand holding and encouragement.

It's been coming for a while. Huge argument on Friday morning kicked off because ds and I were chatting through the news he wanted to see. Ds witnessed some horrific arguments.

Tried to be all cuddly and lovey this morning, saying he's worried about my mental health. I'm rock bottom because he's out me here with his attacks and verbal batterings. He as asked me what I wanted to do. I told him he had to go. Huge dramatics as he packed a bag. He wanted the bank card (all the money is in my account) and threatened to batter me in front of ds. He grabbed me round the neck. He hates me.

So he's gone. I need him for childcare though. I started a new job last week. I don't know what to do. He said he'll be in touch in a couple of weeks.

OP posts:

mummytime · 30/06/2013 11:35

Report the attack to the police.

Tell your new employers, they maybe able to help with emergency child care. Talk to your bank, and cancel that card. See if you can get a payment holiday or something to help you stretch the money over the summer. Apply for benefits. Ask people for help.

If he works in a school I would not want someone who commits domestic violence anywhere near my children.

Original poster

ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 11:45

I won't be reporting anything to the police. I don't feel I need to. I have no reason to fuck him up like that.

He doesn't work in a school.

OP posts:

yamsareyammy · 30/06/2013 12:00

A volatile/violent relationship is not good for children, as you know.

Are you going to stick to your guns this time?

Original poster

ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 12:01

I have to

OP posts:

fengirl1 · 30/06/2013 12:11

Report the card as lost and ask for a new one. Tell your family - all of it. Start ringing round friends / acquaintances to see if they know of someone who can help you with childcare. Tomorrow, talk to tax credit people to see if you qualify / will qualify. Then get on to local council and energy suppliers about what help or discounts you can get as a single parent.
This all sounds very matter-of-fact - sorry, but it will keep you busy and help you to find out if you can go ahead with the job.
Good luck and stay strong.

mummytime · 30/06/2013 12:23

The problem if you don't report it, is that it could take away any chance of you getting legal aid if you need to go to court later.

Original poster

ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 12:43

I already get tax credits. Between that and my wage I should be ok. House is mortgaged, manageable.

OP posts:

Original poster

ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 12:53

I think I'll need to just speak to my work tomorrow first thing and tell them I'll need a little time to support it out. Very supportive sector, anticipating them be understanding.

OP posts:

VitoCorleone · 30/06/2013 14:25

Is it a part time job or full time? I think if you're a single parent working so many hours the goverment will pay 70% of your childcare costs (depending how old the children are)

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 30/06/2013 14:35

" I just feel he's deliberately sabotaging my new h job"

that's because HE IS deliberately sabotaging your job -he doesn't want you to have economic or social power and he will sabotage all attempts that you make to get a job.

Get child care in place and be prepared for this twat to be unreliable when it comes to access arrangements.

Original poster

ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 15:33

I've always worked, part time.

I've just told my mum she and my sister are heading along

OP posts:

Spiritedwolf · 30/06/2013 17:36

Speak to women's aid and the citizen's advice bureau about the support available to single parents. Get all the help you can.

You don't deserve to be treated with violence (no one does) and you and your son both deserve to be free of this man. Reporting this incident could help you should there be a custody/access legal battle in future. Protect yourself and your son.

He was wrong to grab you around the neck and threaten you. He fucked up. Being reported to the police is the natural consequence of assaulting someone. It isn't you fucking up his life chances, he's done that himself by committing assault. If he is violent and knows you won't report him, he could be more violent next time. You can't control him, the back up of the police, or at least women's aid who are experienced in dealing with men like him, would be useful.

It's great that you feel strong and independent, but there is no shame in getting support. Without his salary, your child tax credits will go up, and you will qualify for a single person's discount on council tax.

Original poster

ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 17:59

I don't know what to do.

I stopped the boys with him in town at 2 to go to an event they had planned. He's been at his mums all morning but I met them at this event. Asked if he was staying with the boys at his mums tonight and he said yes.

Got home and called my mum who came along. Was good to chat to her, agreed space was needed and plan for the night was good.

Phones him and be hasn't told his mum anything, it's having dinner with the boys then coming back here. I think he thinks I'm calling his bluff that I've not spoke to my mum.

He said he'll drop the boys off then go to his mums. Then he said its not all about me and why should I get a night in the house alone.

Then be called me a physco.

OP posts:

yamsareyammy · 30/06/2013 18:07

Keep going op.
A lot of people on here will support you.

bbqsummer · 30/06/2013 18:58

Why did you leave the boys with him? Why are the boys with him now?

Don't understand why you let this happen.

bbqsummer · 30/06/2013 19:00

How old are your sons?

Original poster

ParadiseChick · 30/06/2013 19:15

They are 1 and 7. He's not going to hurt them.

Boys back with me. He's going to come down in morning so I can go to work. Lots of awkward questions from 7 year old.

H and I very matter of fact.

OP posts:

bbqsummer · 30/06/2013 19:21

You have no idea if he'll hurt them - emotionally or mentally, never mind phsyically.

After all he's gripped your neck and threatened you. You're presumably taller and stronger than the boys.

You are beginning to sound defensive of him.

Aah well. See you around in another few months love.

Going to hide this thread now.

CityTiliDie · 30/06/2013 21:55

Your poor DC have witnessed all the worst that two supposed adults can do and be to each other, this is such a bad and sad start to their lives.

Do not let them suffer any more.

Do not let him back in to their and your lives.

You can and will manage, you dont need him.

yamsareyammy · 30/06/2013 22:04

Glad bbq has hidden the thread.
As I said I dont know the back history to this, but fwiw, you sound like you mean it to me right now.
op probably does know that her dp or dh is not going to hit them.

Spiritedwolf · 30/06/2013 22:18

But maybe she knew he wasn't going to put his hands around her neck, until the first time he did it.

If he is prepared to threaten and assualt their mother in front of them, he is already abusing them, and who knows whether he'd ever hurt them directly?

MadameJosephine · 03/07/2013 22:07

He's not going to hurt them? He already is hurting them OP. witnessing domestic abuse is emotional abuse in itself, he doesn't have to lay a finger on them to hurt them

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