Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

[beingmyself]

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

Bogeyface... affairs can happen to anybody. Either as the affair partner or to the cheated on partner. Affairs affect everybody involved.

Your contempt for the OP is completely unreasonable. Why post just to attack? That, I really don't understand and never will.

Raising

You are saying you hedge your bets, stick with your partner until someone better comes along. I've heard it all now!

agree with raisinghooligirls. affairs happen, they are a risk in any relationship. some of the people i know who've had affairs were the absolutely last people i'd have expected to do it.

Excuse... I don't need to grow up, thank you. I have compassion and I'm not judgemental.

Some people just seem to have a pack mentality, coming onto threads they hate just to spout venom and bile. That's not ok in my book, in fact, it's very low.

Whilst the affair partner is always wrong, I wonder if the reasons they do it are not so clear cut as people think. I wouldn't like to live with some of harsh and judgemental posters here.

If anyone thinks people are being attacked please report to MNHq and they will be deleted.

No one is attacking, they are just telling the truth based on thier own experiences.

I suppose it hurts to hear that, when you've been a cheater.

Bogey, that is ridiculous. Lower than rapists? murderers? paedophiles? thieves? Have you never done anything ill-judged? never made a mistake? never hurt another person?

seriously think about what you are saying. I think you must be really really scared of your marriage ending and you think that by demonising 'cheaters' to this extreme extent you are making cheating less likely? NOt sure that it works that way.

I am not defending 'cheating'. I am just appalled by the venom here. And like lying said, humans feel pain, women who are not wives also feel pain. That might be a shock to you.

Lying, I did read the title but its those I want to filter out!! They make my blood boil. I think it's largely antagonistic what these OW and OM post. They know its wrong and you can't move on from from it because the cheat will always be looking over your shoulder for someone better. So where's the need for advice?

I haven't read it and nor will I, I only came on to comment my disgust at affairs in general. I know too many lives that have been ruined by infidelity.

I'd like to see a tumbleweed emoticon for such posts. Or better still ignore and let it die a death like the relationship probably will in a few months when he's buggered off with his other OW!!!

So, what do you do, the very moment you feel some doubt, feel some distance, you say "hey this is all over" or do you stick with it coasting trying to figure it out rationally, trying to talk yourself IN to love with platitudes like 'how happy can I expect to be anyway?'. Then one day maybe you do actually click with somebody. Do you race home and end the marriage at that point?

Actually that is almost word for word what I did do. When my first marriage was failing I tried to get my husband to go to counselling but as he was happy, he didnt see the point. 4 years later I found myself developing feelings for someone else, very deep feelings. I didnt act on them, didnt tell the man concerned and kept away from him. I realised that if I could feel that way about someone else then my marriage really was over, so I ended it. A few months later I met the man who became my second husband.

There is no defending the OP's behaviour, some of the insults have been a bit hard to read, I don't like to be completely horrid to anyone. But the OP now needs to deal with the fallout she has caused. Yes her behaviour and her new partner's behaviour is pretty bad, but they could at least help those hurting as a result to come to terms with what has happened. And yes god help her if she cannot do this or her new partner.

excuse that's not what I said. If you have to put words in to my mouth to 'win' your point then do you have as strong a point as you think you do?

What I said was, at what point to you end your marriage? do you not understand that?! Do you wake up one morning and what was good yesterday is suddenly over the next morning? or, is it a gradual process where you try and persuade yourself that the distance is not as wide as you fear, or the intimacy is not as diminished as you feel it is.

I am immature? Yet you post about rapists and paedophiles?! Knee jerk much?

If it's a gradual process, you owe it to the person who is oblivious to discuss how you're beginning to feel.

Honesty, communication and parting as amicably as possible is exactly right.

FeegleFion, a family is not a marriage and vv. A marriage can end but it doesn't dissolve the family, no more than a miserable parent.

People talk about protecting the children but what they really mean is protect the marriage. No matter WHAT.

Raising, I really don't think there are rules as to when you end a marriage as everyone is so different.

There are however moral obligations NOT to go shagging someone else whilst you make your decision.

Why do you find that so hard to understand?

Never any need to continue when your shiteing all over someone's trust.

Don't lie, don't be a coward, walk away and then start something else.

Very simple.

Excuse, I do understand what marriage is meant to be thank you. I have managed to retain the ability to feel compassion and empathy for any human being in pain though. I wouldn't kick a dog when it's down. I have plenty of sympathy for wives who discover they're being cheated on.

Life is complicated and nobody is judge, jury and executioner. You are not as entitled as you seem to believe you are to judge somebody else "the lowest of the low". How hard is that to understand? I don't think this is about the OP though, not for you. This must be about YOU. I feel sorry for you that you live in such fear, so full of judgement, so quick to dehumanise anybody who has cheated.

fackinell... I don't agree with you; OW/OM have as much right to post here as anybody else. The subject of affairs is painful; I know this, I have experience of it having been left, and sad, for a good while. I don't agree with the vicious and pretty clueless posts and wonder what they add.

I think we all get it - nobody is going to start an 'affairs fan club'. Popping on to post disgust isn't going to achieve the effect you want of a thread dropping off the page, is it?

I think these thread are useful and clearly I'm not alone in that. Too few people spout far too often with far too little insight or understanding because they come onto these threads to vent their spleen at the OW/OM and aren't listening to what's being said. How pointless.

AHEM

Again, yy, RaisingHooliegirls, you write fab posts fully of empathy and understanding, you really do. :)

Thank you Lying. In case anybody thinks that I have cheated, I have not. I left a marriage in 2007 and it was the most incredibly painful thing. The whole episode left me with too much empathy, if that doesn't sound ridiculous. On another thread, I could be very supportive to the wife of the OP's new partner. But I just can't see the moral high ground in encouraging somebody else to feel shit about them self. I think that's quite toxic behaviour. Jmo.

I feel the most compassion and empathy for those in the most pain and I would expect those to be the ones who have been left behind, the left partners and most importantly the children.