Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

[beingmyself]

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

[YoniSingWhenYoureWinning]

Haven't read whole thread. Just wanted to point out that he has already demonstrated that he is a cheater so please don't fall over with shock when he cheats.

[VBisme]

My best friend left for OM, but she sat her DH down and talked it through, and left him in no doubt that the split was nothing to do with anything that he did / didn't do.

He was hurt and angry for a time but at least he had a reason.

They are good friends now, and have stayed in touch (no kids involved which I expect would bring its own complications).

[VBisme]

Oh and she and her new DH seem to be very happy together.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

fackinhell... Can you not read? The thread title was really quite clear, what does it take for your 'filter' to kick in then?

[juneblues]

well done to VBisme's best friend for taking responsibility. That's what OP and the man she is having an affair with need to do to both families whose lives will have been changed forever.

[sarahseashell]

As another one whose h left for OW (very painful at the time) I think OP is getting a very hard time here and I know a number of very nice people who have met other people while already in a relationship (and gone on to have long relationships with them) it's just sometimes what happens.

OP I'd just make sure you have a mental 'backup plan' in case the relationship doesn't work out, ie be prepared to go it alone if necessary, which I'm sure you are. I think one downside is you won't get the confidence boost which being single can give before going into your next relationship. I hope it all works out for you and I agree you should tell your respective exes sooner rather than later.

[skyeskyeskye]

A woman I know was engaged, had an affair with work colleague. Married her fiance, in a wedding costing thousands. Then resumed the affair with her colleague, as her H didnt understand her. Left her H a few months later, moved in with colleague. Divorced and then married colleague, so now on her second marriage. She then turned to my then H for the emotional support that her H cant give her. My now XH is her H's best friend. She is still with her H, still texting my XH for "support". and that support includes spending secret time together that her H doesn't know about. history repeating itself....

so no. you don't always end up happy. My OW obviously isn't or she wouldn't be turning to another man. If she ever ends up with my XH, she will no doubt do the same again.

maybe yours will work out, maybe it won't.

[RaisingHooligirls]

My post is not really to the OP but to the many many posters who've insulted her, patronised her, wished her 'karma' and sneered at her and so on.................

How many of your husbands have been unfaithful and you don't even know it? a fair few on this thread I'm sure. So they have a liar and a cheat and are unaware of it. It happens. I really can't believe the posts. "you've bagged a liar and a cheat". At least this man ended his marriage so presumably he didn't want his cake, and ............ more cake. Like a lot of men.

No advice for the OP as I've never been in this situation, from any perspective.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Children get hurt when the parents don't handle the situation properly. When my parents were rowing and then splitting up, the most pain caused to me was seeing my mother cry. It made me feel unsafe and insecure. Break-ups happen; they just do - it's up to both parents to make sure that their childrens' worries and fears are managed properly and that their sense of self isn't damaged.

I really wonder, reading some of the posts on this thread and on this board in general, how many parents kid themselves that they haven't unwittingly let their own bitterness and disappointment spill over so that their children see it? It IS hard, nobody's saying differently but it's not about the adults really when there are children to consider.

I've read some superbly strong posts from people who've been through infidelity and come out the other side and on the same board some breathtakingly selfish posts from some who seem to think that their ex must pay forever for leaving them. I don't believe that it's all 'vent' here either, some posters truly terrify me for what their homelife must now be like.

[Growlithe]

A relationship of two people with a track record of getting bored and getting out once the excitement has worn off.

Can't see this one lasting long really. Sorry.

[RaisingHooligirls]

I agree Lying, there are so many environments that can be damaging to a child, so many ways to parent badly :-( i'm a single parent and I left my x because i was miserable with him so i'm glad i removed the children from a miserable 'family' conventional though it was, but i'm sure i'm guilty of a few parenting mistakes. I would never presume to be so smug and judgemental and sneering as some of the posters on this thread.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

yy RaisingHooligirls, many affairs go unnoticed. Some of the posts here are disgusting towards the OP. How hard is it to ignore a thread that you just know is going to push your buttons?

[night1971]

It's not GRANT Bovey is it?!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

x-posted with you, RaisingHooligirls, I'm glad there's a bit of balance on this thread and hell, don't we ALL make mistakes - parenting or otherwise? I feel the same as you do and think that smug, judgemental and sneering says much about the person doing it.

My best friend is recently out of an affair that has ripped her apart; I don't know if she'll ever pull it together because other than me, she has nowhere she could go to talk without judgement. She's still a person and one in pain. Nobody is saying that affairs are fantastic things but they do happen and can happen to anybody.

[ExcuseTypos]

OP- I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it

I'm surprised some of the posters on here are shocked at the responses the OP is getting, because she clearly was expecting it.

[RaisingHooligirls]

Yeh, I fear for 'ow' who post here. They must feel like they need to justify, explain, defend.... they are not evil they are people, and they come to mumsnet hoping to seek absolution probably precisely because life is not so simple and because they are not bad bad people.

So often I read threads and it's the man who turns out to have lied and lied and left a trail of destruction behind him. He's not here on mumsnet seeking forgiveness and understanding and a kind word, something to 'prove' that they're not bad, not 'Scarlet'.

For the OP, they have both left their spouses and that's not done on a whim. At some point maybe people are entitled to make a decision and believe that it is the right one? MAYBE????? If OP can live with it and doesn't regret it then I don't think she stick around her inviting people to take a swipe at her. This is her life, not some other memory/experience/fear

[MissStrawberry]

Surely if you were so confident it will all work out you wouldn't need to hear other people's stories and, btw, they are irrelevant as they aren't you and you aren't them.

Stop lying. Stop treating your children like idiots and stop being a cheat.

[Bogeyface]

Nobody is saying that affairs are fantastic things but they do happen and can happen to anybody.

I couldnt disagree more. They happen when married people are selfish, regardless of the old "But we were so unhappy, we married too young, we grew apart, I think he cheated on me.....". Only selfish people cheat.

[RaisingHooligirls]

bogeyface "you are the lowest of the low and I cannot being to articulate my contempt for you".

Seriously?! Get.a.grip.

She ended a marriage and is with a man who ended his marriage.

I left an abusive man and I was entitled to. I defend anybody's right to leave a relationship if they no longer want to be in it. That is not "the lowest of the low" and if that provokes your contempt then you need to stop being so judgemental.

[Bogeyface]

Raising so you think that its ok that she is still lying to her husband, who thinks that his marriage is over because of something he has done because that is what she has implied? If she was the decent yet misguided person you seem to be saying she is, then she would at least have told him the truth. But she didnt. Classic cheaters script!

She has followed it to the letter. All we need is her to beg him to take her back in the next year or so and we will have a full house.

[FeegleFion]

Relationships can and should end before either party votes with their crotch.

What an immoral bunch some of you are.

[ExcuseTypos]

"Nobody is saying that affairs are fantastic things but they do happen and can happen to anybody"

What like catching a cold or getting run over?
FFs grow up, stop making excuses, stop blaming everything other than the selfish idiots who take part in it.

Affairs occur because people want them to, they don't just 'happen'