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Original poster

Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

743 replies

beingmyself · 26/06/2013 14:41

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

OP posts:
RaisingHooligirls · 26/06/2013 20:31

Are you the judge of who is in the most pain?

BAUagent · 26/06/2013 20:32

I have to say that my DM cheated and as a result ended up marrying the man she had an affair with. Both she and my DF married again, both ending up with much better suited partners and both incredibly happy. My sister and I were sad when they split but never felt the impact in the way that some posters are suggesting - our lives weren't ruined or devastated because of their divorce in the slightest. Rather, we had two sets of loving parents and got to see how happy they were as individuals rather than being 'trapped' in an unhappy marriage. Nor do I intend to cheat on DH as a result of a parent doing that. But I do understand that life throws things at you that you don't expect, and I know that my DM couldn't help falling in love with another man and certainly didn't choose to do so and break up the family. FWIW my DH's dad is also married to someone he had an affair with during his first marriage and they, and my DM and step dad, have been happily married for nearly 20 years. I hope all the posters on here who are being so judgemental and awful about a situation they know nothing about never have to face the pain of making a choice between what the rest of society thinks you should do and being happy. I know which would have been more damaging to my family's happiness in the long run. I wish you luck OP, and I hope that you and your DC are happy.

Original poster
beingmyself · 26/06/2013 20:36

Thanks everyone who's taken the time to come on and post. I am reassured by a lot of the posts seeing me as a human (flawed in some ways and good in others) who has handled a situation badly but is moving on. I am reading everything (and a lot of PMs) with interest.

OP posts:
nkf · 26/06/2013 20:37

Why are people being so oh dear poor old OP. She said she put her flameproof suit on. Presumably, she knows what MN is like and hopes that she will get some useful stuff in among the insults. She's had some pretty cheery and cheering posts even from women who have been cheated on and from children of divorced (due to an affair) parents. I'm sure she can take the brickbats. Stop acting as if every woman is a tragic flower. Personally, to do what she's doing takes nerves of steel. Why assume she's all sensitive and vulnerable?

fackinell · 26/06/2013 20:37

That's ok, Lying, I can agree to disagree with you and I appreciate what you're saying.

I saw a 'single' man for a year before I found out he had a wife at the other side of the country. I was Angry with him and myself and apologised profusely to his wife. I know how much pain it caused her and I was a mistress by default. He was a prick of the highest order and I really don't understand how someone could knowingly break up a marriage!!

Original poster
beingmyself · 26/06/2013 20:38

BAUagent what a lovely post! Thank you.

I know a few friends who's parents "stayed together for the kids" and they all have suffered dreadfully for it. I am terribly worried about the impact of my choices on DCs though I also know the alternative would have had its own negative consequences. So whilst I do feel dreadfully guilty they won't have a "nuclear" family, I am confident they will have a loving one.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/06/2013 20:42

That's really awful, fackinell. How were you supposed to know? He must have been some piece of work to cover that up for so long.

Having watched my friend 'lose it' over a married man, by degrees, I can see that it starts of with friendship/flirting and slides right out of control, slip, slip, slip... neither thought it would break up their marriage and as far as I know, it didn't break up his.

mistakeallround · 26/06/2013 20:43

beingmyself...Jesus look at my username.. please please please dont do this. I am still paying the consequences 9 years on. Gave everything up for a complete fuckin twat who could charm eskimos to buy snow. I wish you were my friend in real life and if you knew my story would run to the other end of the earth with your dh and make a go of things. Jesus I could write a book which would prevent other women completely throwing their life away .

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 26/06/2013 20:44

I was just coming back to post virtually what BAUagent just has.

My parents divorced as a result of my Dad's affair. He has been married to my lovely step-mother for the past 41 years now. I am not some scarred quivering dysfunctional adult as a result. Smile I have had 2 lovely step parents and 2 half sisters.

As ever on these threads "the woman scorned" spitting vitriol at another woman who is not the woman her husband fell in love with over her is really rather sad.

In every sense of the word.

Gretagumbo · 26/06/2013 20:47

Meh, I am a romantic and believe you only get one life. I think that people should chase love as long as that is what it is. What's the alternative? Stay in a loveless marriage and possibly subject your husband/wife to years of pointless lies when they could also be released to find love elsewhere. At least you have both taken action which is some type of honesty. I hope it all works out, you do trust each other and I hope your spouses move on to find love. Peace out.

Sparklysilversequins · 26/06/2013 20:50

That's not true *thebirds+ I have read quite a few posts from women whose husbands left them for OW being very reasonable and some actually agreeing with the OP on this thread.

nkf · 26/06/2013 20:53

The vitriol has been mainly from married women. That's my impression anyway. And - all those handwringers should notice that this is the Internet. Not some cosy coffee morning.

scottishmummy · 26/06/2013 20:55

I knew an ow married him.upshot she went from glam bit on side to constantly worried missus

fackinell · 26/06/2013 20:56

Yep, Lying, he was something all right!! That poor woman called me out of the blue and then I found out about all the other OW!! (Because he told me.) nobody could believe I had no idea but I really didn't.

Sorry about your friend. BTW. I do like putting flirtatious married men in their place these days with a very loud 'AND HOW IS YOUR WIFE?'
It's kinda a blood sport to me now Grin

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 26/06/2013 21:01

How lovely that you can move on - don't you think you should afford your ex partners the same opportunity by being honest with them about why you have both left your marriages?

Leavenheath · 26/06/2013 21:02

Madness.

As far as I can tell, no-one is suggesting that people should stay in 'loveless marriages'. I won't even get into the fact that not all affairs occur in this crazy stereotype of the 'loveless marriage', but this tripe about posters recommending people to lie in beds of their own making is the usual straw man who appears on threads like this.

Ideally - and even the OP admits this - people should have the courage to end their marriages before getting involved elsewhere. And once they've decided to end their marriages, they should be honest about what finally prompted them to leave.

I've got endless understanding of human frailty and the fact that at some time in our lives, we'll all behave in a way that's short of the ideal.

But let's not dress this up as a legitimate way of behaving, or ignore the fact that far from learning from the experience and regretting the deceit and lies committed, the OP and her partner are still lying and intend to go on lying in order to protect their own interests.

That is indefensible.

meditrina · 26/06/2013 21:04

The title of the thread is a rather misleading.

She's not his girlfriend. She's still a secret shag. And will be until they come out.

Leavenheath · 26/06/2013 21:08

Something else I'll call bullshit on is the OP and her partner's revisionist concern for their children living in unhappy families. They were both obviously quite content to let that situation continue while they had no rescue exit of their own but rather conveniently, the children's 'happiness' is being dragged out of the excuse box as being a justification for their current actions.

Transparently disingenuous.

ExcuseTypos · 26/06/2013 21:10

Raising I think you're confusing me with someone else. I have never called anyone the 'lowest of the low'. As I explained above my own parents had affairs and would not call them that.

You have no need to feel sorry for me.[Smile] I have been very happily marred for a very long time. I do not live in fear and I don't dehumanise people. I do however judge people who lie to their partners and have affairs.

Wossname · 26/06/2013 21:15

Why have you framed it as 'moving from being the other woman to being his girlfriend'? Why not start a thread about moving your other man into the boyfriend category? Bit more inflammatory this way, eh?

Upnotdown · 26/06/2013 21:17

How long has it been since he left his wife? I wouldn't count your chickens yet...

You sound like a decent person (apart from the cheating) and I'm not being sarcastic - I really wouldn't hold your breath that he's out for good, no matter what he's told you.

I've been on the receiving end - it hasn't made me bitter but it's opened my eyes. My DP (in response to me asking 'Why did you tell her that?') said 'I told her a lot of things I didn't mean - it was like living in a film. None of it was real.' She was under a completely different impression. Don't let him lead you around by the nose, for your own sake as well as his wife's. You have no idea what he's saying to her right now.

nkf · 26/06/2013 21:17

That's a good point about unhappy families suddenly becoming bad for children when there is a new person in the picture. I hadn't noticed how people do that. Not the OP so much. They were already discussing separation. But yes.

DaydreamDolly · 26/06/2013 21:17

I was cheated on. My (soon to be) ExH had a 2 year affair which spanned the conception, gestation and first 6 months of our DD2's life. He left me for her. 9 months ago. I think they're both deluded as he was a serial cheater and has admitted he probably always will be. But there are exceptions to this, if your partner has not cheated before, nor have you, and the marriages were failing, then there's every chance you will be happy for life.
I do however, think you should tell the truth as you are just delaying the inevitable, and these things have a way of coming out and causing more pain and hurt.

nkf · 26/06/2013 21:20

The OW was kept secret from my children. I was so intimidated by my ex I didn't dare say anything. It would have been better if they'd been told the truth right from the start.

OP, I do think you are rather playing this to suit yourself.

akaWisey · 26/06/2013 21:45

I can only tell you one thing I know FOR SURE, OP.

What will be, will be.

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