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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

743 replies

beingmyself · 26/06/2013 14:41

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

OP posts:
carolst · 03/07/2013 13:03

OK with LittlePeaPod's experience, she said no. The man is now having another baby with his wife.

With being's experience she was hearing stories about her partner and his wife before they started their affair. Then the affair started and has continued in secret. She also enlightened her partner on the EA he was apparently suffering. Two families are now broken. The wife is in pieces. 2 little children under 5 no longer have their Daddy at home. Their Daddy is no longer giving them 100% as he is in a consuming secret affair. Affairs are consuming.

The two experiences are totally different.

Being may not return as she has been touched by the supportive comments and now has a lump in her throat. Nice.

LittlePea's English was criticised. She then explained about her iPad and that she's dyslexic. Did she receive an apology? I missed it if there was one.

Affairs are wrong. No-one has said stay in an unhappy marriage if you've tried but the very presence of a third party means you no longer would be giving 100% to the relationship to try and sort it out.

Being has stated that she will not come out with the truth to the H & W and will not stop seeing him and allow dust to settle. Look at the facts. Being came on to this forum asking for the highs and lows so she opened herself to the comments she receives.

Some comments on here have been plain insults. Some have been true.
Being by her own admission has been cruel, deceitful and selfish and is continuing to do so. Fact. Homes have been wrecked, hence "home-wrecker" is also a true statement. Yet even being herself criticised little pea as maybe she felt empowered to do so by her support by some on here. So is that going to help her realise the impact of what she's done and now move forward with a view to help heal the damage. To help the poor W and DC's? I don't think so. Someone needs to really know deep down and except what they have done before they can responsibly try to make things better.

What has happened is wrong and it continues to be handled wrong.

Bogeyface · 03/07/2013 13:09

Being may not return as she has been touched by the supportive comments and now has a lump in her throat

I suspect that the lump in her throat is something else........:o

carolst · 03/07/2013 13:11

Wink Grin YUK LOL

Original poster
beingmyself · 03/07/2013 13:14

I'm reading but no point in posting anything else as its clear what the response will be so just taking in the comments...

OP posts:
carolst · 03/07/2013 13:16

Are you taking in the comments though? Has anything changed with how you are going to handle things?

How long was each relationship btw?

Original poster
beingmyself · 03/07/2013 13:21

Yes I am taking it all in.

I am being moreunderstanding and empathetic to his w and am encouraging him to do so too.

The reason I'm not posting is that I'm exhausted with trying to explain myself and show how my comments have been misinterpreted (which wasn't the point of the thread). Whatever I say gets snapped at or bitten back at and it's just not productive for anyone and I can't be bothered to get involved in that.

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 03/07/2013 13:38

Op you have made it clear that you have both decided to leave/have left these marriages. Decision made. So why not just tell your husband and his wife the truth about your relationship?

They deserve to know the truth. That's what I am struggling with the most in your situation. Deeds already done so there is no more need for secrets.

Wellwobbly · 03/07/2013 13:45

'Why did you tell her that?') said 'I told her a lot of things I didn't mean - it was like living in a film. None of it was real.' She was under a completely different impression. Don't let him lead you around by the nose, for your own sake as well as his wife's. You have no idea what he's saying to her right now.

Absolutely fantastic post. My H said 'It was all a fantasy'.

I do think we women need to get more real. It ISN'T a 'her, or me'. It is the deliciousness of BOTH. chumplady.com 'the unifying theory of cake'.

How are you, OP? What is happening?

FasterStronger · 03/07/2013 13:46

I don't think it is possible to say the OP has damaged the DCs.

one of my oldest friends is nearly 40. her parents have finally got divorce after raising 4 children in their miserable, dysfunctional family.

all the children agree it would have been better if their parents divorced years ago. it was not a nice household to be a child in. and they all bear the scars of their parent's marriage.

I think people are confusing wanting (their) relationships to work with it being somehow definitively right for all involved. I have no idea why the original relationships did not work - but they did not.

calling time on a relationship too earlier is not good, but neither is trying for too long for fear of moving on.

carolst · 03/07/2013 13:53

No-one disputes ending a marriage but how you do it and how you act afterwards.

An affair is wrong. Continuing to lie is wrong. Gossip or negative comments about W is wrong. The fact the man needs encouraging to be nicer to his wife is wrong.

FasterStronger · 03/07/2013 14:09

I don't think it is ideal but I am not sure The Truth is so great either. xdp dumped me very publically and moved on to a full on relationship with his new DP straight away.

I would have preferred they lied as it was very very very humiliating.

FasterStronger · 03/07/2013 14:12

i felt 'they could not even be bothered to spare me anything'.

that said, I am better off with out him. so nothing lost overall. Grin

carolst · 03/07/2013 14:12

Faster that's terrible. Insult and injury. Not nice at all.

OP can be truthful without doing it very publically though.

carolst · 03/07/2013 14:13

Faster glad you're in that place "I am better off with out him. so nothing lost overall"

knittynoodle · 03/07/2013 14:30

TBH my parents divorced when I was 11 and it has done me no harm at all. They handled it well, always spoke of each other with great love, Dad lived round the corner so we rode round on our bikes whenever we wanted, nothing changed at all really.

That said I'm not entirely unscathed from my childhood but the divorce had no part in the other issues. The divorce was the least of our worries.

Missbopeep · 03/07/2013 14:41

Peapod

It's clear that you need to read up about EAs.

But as you asked the question....

if you and your female friends were attracted to each other ( like you were with the OM colleague) in a sexual way, then yes, you had EAs with them all.

Your holiday and partner must be very boring BTW if you prefer to stay glued to MN, btw.

Imnotscareditsonlytheinternet · 03/07/2013 14:51

carolst

Once you 'out' the truth it becomes 'public'

I believe that is what the OP is trying to protect her family from.

Original poster
beingmyself · 03/07/2013 15:02

Yep - that's right. There are a number of reasons why I think keeping it secret for a while is for the best.

knitty - your parents relationship is what I am aiming for with my h so I am glad that in the circumstances it was what was best for you.

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 03/07/2013 15:05

Missbopeep Hmm surprised at your interest but thanks for checking how DF and I are doing. We haven't been here long enough to get bored yet. Actually we are having a lovely relaxing time (reading some books, bit of swimming, topping up the tan, surfing the net etc.). Not sure what to do for dinner tonight though because I am still suffering from pregnancy sickness (food aversion is a bitch). I always thought you got better in the second trimester, no such luck! I must say, I am missing a glass of bubbly in the sunshine though.. Sad. Is there anything else you'd like to know?

LittlePeaPod · 03/07/2013 15:34

Missbopeep Since you insisted, I went with Wiki as it came up first in the search engine.... I am sure there are other definitions that will suit you / others better and I am sure you can find them on Dr. Google or wherever.

An emotional affair can be defined as follows
"A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage."

Due to his working away (which i have already mentioned) they already had issues in their relationship which were nothing to do with me. And as I made it clear nothing would ever happen and that was that. No EA there but I am sure you will argue it was. We can then go round in cycles on it! My actions didn't in any way encourage him to become distant from his wife. He already was because they had problems in their relationship caused by his secondment. In my opinion I (an affair) was the easy escape from reality and sorting things out with his wife. He always knew nothing would ever happen so his only choice was to sort his problems out with his wife or find someone else willing to conduct an affair with him.

carolst · 03/07/2013 16:44

being - imnot says she's having an affair too.

imnot - if the W & H are told first then it isn't the same as being publicly outed as in Faster's case. Plus seeing as certain friends know already it would be best to quickly tell H&W before someone else does.

being you wanted advice on highs and lows but then don't provide the info to help with that

how long have both parties been together?
Is it likely that you would bump into each other?
does your partner also want to keep it secret? I wonder why.

AnyFucker · 03/07/2013 18:45

where is your boyfriend living now, OP ?

Original poster
beingmyself · 03/07/2013 19:49

AF - In a rented house. I'm not going to name the town!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/07/2013 19:51

why would I want you to name the town ? Confused

It's just that I asked you upthread and I guess you missed the question

Original poster
beingmyself · 03/07/2013 20:46

Sorry AF I misinterpreted the question as didn't understand why you wanted to know where he lived when it was obvious he wasn't living with me or his w. I guess it wasn't obvious!

OP posts: