Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

[beingmyself]

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

It is, Francesca, a most extraordinary defensiveness, to be sure.

There is a very positive message in this thread which is that that even in the midst of a marriage break-up, if you eschew blame and tittle-tattle and embrace kindness and honesty, there can be real damage limitation.

I am no marriage fundamentalist either, but I think integrity has a lot to recommend it.

I'm ancient and have never ever known anyone leave a happy marriage, having got love and lust confused.
I've known dozens of people in extremely unhappy marriages stay in them well past their sell by date, often to their immense regret.

I think the point is, when leaving a marriage, don't act like a shit.

I think the point is, when leaving a marriage, don't act like a shit.

Exactly.

I have left an unhappy marriage and it was hell. The reason it was hell was because I did it the right way. I didnt lie, I didnt have an "exit affair" and I didnt treat my ex as a road block on my journey to happiness. I will never ever forget the day I finally said "I am leaving you because I dont love you anymore".

An unhappy marriage is hard enough, an unhappy marriage that has another person forcing their way in is even worse. FFS, if you are that miserable then just fucking leave, dont lie with an affair, dont lie about why you are leaving and dont continue to lie indefinitely afterwards!

I'm also ancient and I've known people stay in unhappy marriages, just as I've known people leave happy ones. So what? Why do we need to play bingo about the narrowness or broadness of our life experiences? All it tells us is that some people make very bad decisions in their lives that they live to regret.

Maybe one way of coping with it is to egg others on to do what they never had the courage or opportunity to do?

I think you can't always judge a decision by its outcome. I think at the point of leaving and of staying, people probably feel they are making the right, possibly the only choice open to them. Then they rethink and wonder if they should have made the other decision. It doesn't mean it was wrong. It's just it had outcomes they couldn't predict. It's clear from some of these posts that many marriages that started as affairs turned out happy. It also sounds as if some are a struggle.

What I do take from the OP is a kind of me me me. At a point when my marriage was very difficult, my ex had an affair with someone. He is now with her. And I bet he and she believe in the dead marriage and dying relationship story. And I think that's beside the point. Other people's marriages (dead or living) are not your concern.

My ex told me that his now wife said she wanted him to leave me and be with her. I honestly believe that no-one should say that to a married man with children. I also think waiting in the wings, making it patently clear that you are ready to receive that man is not right.

Yes, they are happy. I have behaved calmly and never badmouthed anyone. My children like her. But she has built her new life on distress and disorder. Yes, I have dealt with it. Yes, I am getting on with things. But, I firmly believe you should not deal out pain if you can avoid it.

But you have, OP. And all you can do now is damage limitation. Nobody is saying that you have to suffer for ever or that everyone involved is heading for a life of misery. Just that you have to behave better than you have been. And probably better than you want to be.

Francesca

Did you miss this from Peapod? Do you feel you were justified in saying she did nothing wrong in the light of this?
When he returned we worked very closely together and did develope feelings for each other (nothing ever happened)

All the sanctimonious outpourings from her to the OP neatly side stepped her own EA.

What I and others object to is the way she painted herself as innocent. No pair of colleagues 'develop feelings for each other' without each person connecting with the other in an emotionally intimate way.

If one party- such as your work colleague- is naive and misses the sub-text or the dynamics of what's happening that's one thing , but I don't think that applies to PPod.

Missbepoop. I see you are still discussing me.. I guess I must be extremely interested in me, since the thread was started by somenone else. maybe we should rename the hrea Discussing LittlePeaPod as I have nothing else to do and forgot what the thread was about. Do you normally get this fascinated with someone who didn't start the thread? . Maybe I can give you a bit more about my life so you can carrying on!

I will say it again. I didn't have an affair or maybe your do have the capacity understand that!

Go and lie on the beach- much nicer than logging into MN when you are on hols with your OH.

Jesus some nasty, nasty behaviour on this thread. It's so easy to pass judgement on people you know fuck all about, isn't it? So much easier to project and hector.

Francesca speaks a great deal of sense; I agree with every post of hers I've read here.

It makes me wonder what sort of people don't think that accusing a poster of lying, 'talking a load or rubbish' and inventing excuses for why she can't participate at that moment in the threadisn't bullying. I'd also hate to think any of you were involved in a disciplinary hearing for someone who sexually harrassed a woman colleague. Presumably you'd accuse the victim of 'leading the man on' and 'being naive about men' too

Couldn't agree more. Thankfully MN picked out and deleted the posts from the people they felt were acting as bullies or in an inappropriate way.

francesca i agree with your posts. You talk so much sense with regards this issue, particularly regarding the motivation and bad mouthing of the innocent spouse by the OW /OM. I work in a large global and there are several people I know at work that threw their marriages away for a bit of excitement/fling which they believed was the real thing. Its usually the same story... they work very closely together on projects / clients, have to travel away or work long hours together because of work commitments and it starts from there.. Affairs in my work place are so common now it's quite sad really. Little flirtations which turn into betrayals. I am not saying everyone that works long hours or away is at it but of the work based affairs I know of, this is usually how it starts.

I really feel for the betrayed partners. As another poster correctly points out the betrayed partners are making decisions on false information (lies). This is so wrong and so very unfair. These innocent partners have the right to know the truth but in this case it seems those doing the betraying don't seem to have the humanity to just be honest. I still don't understand why? The decision to leave has been made so why carrying on with the deception?

I think the point is, when leaving a marriage, don't act like a shit. . Another great point very well made.

Goodness - haven't read the whole thread but have a sense of the flavour of it, I think. There are some pretty nasty responses on here but I understand that it's a really emotive issue and many people have been really scarred by situations like this.

I don't have personal experience of this myself. But, my DB did leave his wife when their DD was v small - and (though he's never openly admitted this) I'm 100% sure it was to be with his now partner. I was so outraged by the whole thing at the time and I still feel his W has had an incredibly hard time. But, 7 years on, he is still incredibly happy with the person he left for and has worked v v hard indeed to limit the effect on his DD. He and his partner both have an excellent relationship with her. It hasn't been easy and I still think it's a real shame he didn't work harder to make his marriage work in the first place - I know the whole thing came as a massive surprise to his then wife. But the pattern hasn't repeated itself and I can see that in the long run there would have been problems if they had stayed together and that he and is OH are much better suited than he and his wife were.

I'm not saying the OP hasn't done the wrong thing in this situation but we don't really know the details and it's easy to judge without being in her shoes. And, it can work, sometimes.

No I didn't miss what littlepeapod said. She was honest in her posts that if they'd both been single, something might have happened and that they became close.

I say again, so what?

That happens in workplaces all over the world when colleagues spend a lot of time together. While I have talked about a few colleagues who poured accelerant on to these everyday situations and turned them into affairs, the majority of people I worked with were sensible enough to know that it was normal to be attracted to the occasional colleague and to get close to one or two, especially when working on long projects. Those of us who were a bit more pragmatic and didn't call in the feds or feel the need to unburden our lustful thoughts to colleagues, managed to swerve trouble. Fancying and getting close to someone else happens. An affair doesn't have to.

As for my friend, I do wish you'd stop putting the onus on to her for being 'naive and missing the sub text'. She was entitled to go about her working business and to treat another colleague with normal kindness without being harassed by his emotional incontinence. The blame lies with him not her.

Whatever, Fran.

The OP has made her choice. I don't think she is coming back to the thread, so anything else now is just partaking in a sport really.

FWIW there is nothing that gets up my nose more than posts where someone says 'I didn't do this, I had more sense, therefore I am a better and nicer person than you are.'

I just don't see the point really in posting that.

It's not helping the OP one jot.

I don't think that's what Littlepeapod said but then again, I'm not sensitive to that sort of thing and tend to think that posts that are antidotes to the 'it just happened, we couldn't help ourselves, this thing was bigger than both of us' ethos that sometimes prevails, are quite useful.

If something 'gets up your nose' by all means challenge it. But you don't have the right to accuse a poster of lying, of talking rubbish, of having had an affair and you certainly don't have the right to order her back to the beach! Plus, just because you've never known something happen in your experience, doesn't mean that others have had the same narrowness of life experiences.

Sorry but I read the posts from Littlepea as being 'I am better than the OP'

And she did have an emotional affair, however she wants to dress it up.

The thing I find quite sad about some of the things said to me regarding my situation at work was this attitude that some people hold that girls/women (me) tempt men into situations. If I didn't lead him on /tempt him then this innocent man would not have looked to stray. Despite everything I said they choose to read/hear what they want which was contrary to my note. It's an attitude that makes me feel quite sad. To think that a woman is automatically blamed for a man wanting more from a close friendship and working relationship. I recognised the danger of that situation and put a firm stop to it. I made it clear every time the subject was broached. But sometimes people will argue just because they want to make a show of a person because they do not agree with their views. And when this doesn't work, they get vicious.

I have not said that you have tempted anyone into any situation.

You said that you 'developed feelings for each other'

If you dont understand what an emotional affair is, then I would suggest you google it and you will see what is meant by the comments.

If it wasnt an emotional affair and he was chasing after you whilst you contantly batted him away, then I retract my statement, but that isnt what you said. You said that you developed feelings for each other and that had you both been single then it would have developed further (from the emotional affair into a sexual one, I presume?)

I think as others have pointed out, its the 'holier than though' attitude that is annoying.

(before you go and check my history, yes I am having an affair, so yes, you are much better than me)

The only difference between me and you, Littlepea, is that when you had your 3 year affair, you didnt go to bed with him. I did.

Imnot

You can develop feelings for someone and not take it any further! Clearly you dont believe this because you did take it further, but LPP didnt. I posted above about a similar situation where I developed feelings for someone who I know had feelings about me. I distanced myself from him and dealt with my marriage, in fact it helped realise that my marriage truly was over so I ended it. I never, even after my break up, had any kind of relationship with this man.

Believe it or not some people are capable of honourable behaviour. Just because you are not doesn't make it untrue.

OK

Yes i did develop feelings for him and his he attractive but he always knew nothing was/would ever happen. i didnt engage in any fantaties about what us or they future or what ifs with him etc. just made it clear no way, not now and not ever with a married man or someone in a relationship.

on a different note, I gusse I must have been having a 5 year emotional affair with my other two female colleagues that I am also very close to at work as we discuss the trails and tribulations of their relationships and mine. the thing is neither of them have tried to start a sexual relationship with me by using flattery

Or as a woman is it an emtional affair to have close working relationships / friendship with men but not if its a woman?

Iamnot just to be clear, I wouldn't even consider checking a posters history MN. Why would I? I wasn't involved in those debates. I just don't do that sort of thing. But I guess some people do.

If something 'gets up your nose' by all means challenge it. But you don't have the right to accuse a poster of lying, of talking rubbish, of having had an affair and you certainly don't have the right to order her back to the beach! Plus, just because you've never known something happen in your experience, doesn't mean that others have had the same narrowness of life experiences.

^ this.