Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

[beingmyself]

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

Missbopeep... Well actually, I will. I've been reading this thread since the start. I'm not at all backing-up being for having an affair, I've never said that I'm in favour of them and, having been on the receiving end, I know the damage that they can do.

However... give me 100 beings for just one PeaPod any day of the week. I can't tolerate the hypocrisy, the misplaced judgements and completely unnecessary comments from her all through the thread. Not just once but many, many times, slating and being as spiteful as possible. I mentioned it and got pompous and smug justification back as a response.

Yes, I think less of PeaPod for that and I doubt very much that I'm the only one. Still, all there for everybody to read and form their own opinions, isn't it.

And yes - I know I only know what he tells me. I trust him. Many of you will laugh but I do.

I don't believe you can apply blanket rules to individuals.

Thanks lying - little lump in throat at your support (not for my actions I know!)

being - So do either of them suspect the affair or know of your existence? Again another important factor when thinking of "highs and lows".

No - they don't. (as far as I know or believe)

What do you think you could do to best ensure the well-being and emotional stability of all the children involved in this difficult transition, being?

If it's not an affair then why not just come out into the open? It's still all a hidden secret. I am black and white on this issue. You either agree with them or you don't. And I won't pretend to have sympathy for those people that have affairs.

being I don't think you have don't anything terrible. I do think you should cut the wife some slack.

because it is better for everyone.

many MNers remind me of my oldest friend: when she was in her mid twenties, she started a new relationship before finishing the previous one (cohabiting). now she condemns affairs in the strongest terms, conveniently forgetting her own....

peapod-ah the wonders of technology! Your Ipod has enough power to post to the OP- but not to discuss your own EA.

You wouldn't know an affair if it hit you over the head, according to your definitions. Maybe you can start educating yourself over an emotional affair.

sorry- Ipad.

tessa
That is a good question and my thoughts are these.
For my dc:

• make sure they know the split doesn't affect how we feel about them. Make sure they know "mum and dad wanted to live in separate houses" and not "dad left us".
• ensure they have space to express feelings/ask questions/talk about it.
• ensure dc told often they're loved.
• make sure dc sees lots of their dad
• keep consistent routine and consistent parenting as much as possible.
• talk positively about h. Allow dc to talk positively about life @ dads.
• co parent as effectively as possible communicating with h about dc well.
• be friendly to h, show dc that we are still friends (have been reflecting on the boundary between this and "playing happy families" since the earlier post)
• keep an eye on behaviour and be aware of emotional implications of the change in set up.
• talk about it

For My partners DC

• this is for him and his wife to manage as their parents. The only thing I have said here to him is that I think they need to get used to the idea of mum and dad apart before they're introduced to me.
• I will only see my partner when he doesn't have the kids.

If people have any other helpful advice/ experience that would be good.

being- I'm not going to flame you but my only words of advice are to take it slowly. You talk about your affair lasting for 'month's. How many?
It's a huge step to have an affair, move out ( or ask your DH to move out) and then set up home with another man, all in the space of a few months.

I don't think you need any advice over how to manage your kids. If you do, invest in something like parent coaching- there are some great ones around.

But I do think you should keep an open mind and not too high hopes over how the relationship with OM will develop. You have not yet lived together. You are not 'out' as a couple. You have not washed his socks or cleaned his skid marks off the loo - or he yours. It's all the honeymoon phase.

Would you have left your DH anyway?

Why did it take OM for you to do that?

I know several families where the co parenting works well. In some cases there were OM and OW involved. I had a colleague who moved in with another colleague and his wife seemed quite happy about it all. They worked out a rota for the 5 children involved from each family- staying with mum, then dad and his new partner, on certain days of the week with their own bedrooms in each house. I don't know them well enough to know how it really felt for the kids but on the surface anyway it seemed caring and civilised.

beingmyself but mum and dad don't want to live in separate houses. This is a decision that one parent has made and has willingly walked away from the relationship straight into the arms of someone else.

shrugs shoulders. It's a minefield and I think at best you understand it at only a very shallow, surface level. My children, incredibly young when their father walked out for another woman, have never got over it. Not because I have caused problems or anything else. He's done it all himself and it's a slippery slope once you're on it. You've already put yourself first. Your children will know that.

mumandboys - actually in my marriage my h wants to separate too so my description is accurate

mumandboys was it because their dad left that it caused such problems or because he left for an OW?

being it's how people leave that is the issue, as lots of posters have been saying.

If you leave with honesty, and show respect and concern for the partner you are leaving, and insist that other people do too, and retain a genuinely kind relationship, without blame or excuses; then it seems from what posters have said the future for the children and the adults left behind will be immeasurably better.

missbopeep - you're right that I need to keep an open mind. I'm taking the relationship gently but given we feel how we do about eachother there is a desire for it to be permanent. However I left my h knowing he might not leave.

I think me and h would have separated anyway. Especially given h wants to split too.

I have thought a lot about why I couldn't leave my h without OM. It was because I didn't want to hurt my h by splitting the family but the moment the discussions became clear that h wasn't happy and also thought splitting was best then it became easier. So whilst I'd hoped OM might leave, IF HE DECIDED IT WAS RIGHT FOR HIM&HIS LIFE, I left for me.

All sounds positive, being. I wonder if it's worth adding that part of helping his DC will be to try and encourage a respectful and kind relationship between their parents as they struggle to co=parent and as such, making time for both points of view in your head and heart, so that the children don't grow up with the added pressure of feeling their parents hate each other and they have to manage that.

The haranguing of peapod on this thread is spiteful and bullying.

Some of you must live sheltered lives. I've seen what she describes happen.

I had a lovely work colleague who's still a good friend. She acted in a completely normal, collegiate way towards a man who was in our team. To her complete horror out of the blue he asked to speak to her one day and said he'd fallen head over heels in love with her and wanted to leave his wife for her. She'd done nothing to lead him on or give him any reason to think she had romantic feelings towards him. She was just a loveable woman and he was a complete idiot. This woman was as far away from a sexy siren as you could imagine. In fact she was a church-attending Christian whose hallmark was extreme kindness to everyone on the team. The man was a louse, but it was because she had a tendency to see the good in everyone that she didn't treat him with as much contempt as the rest of us. Obviously she said no. But she was mortified that he would have thought she'd been leading him on.

He caused her so much grief that in the end I had a word with him, because he was upsetting her so much with his unwanted attentions. In between me giving him a piece of my mind he agreed she'd done nothing to give him any wrong impression. He just loved her.

Naturally this then happened with someone else in the next post he was in and he left his wife for someone else. I heard years later that when he left the organisation he'd done it again too.

I hate it when we blame women for men's actions and I really hate the bullying of peapod on this string.

As for the OP, I still want to know how she knows people who are gossiping about her partner's child's comments and how these people would know so much about what goes on in someone else's home. Why would they tell the OP these things if they didn't know she was that close to this man?

hun, I wouldn't know where to begin. I was pregnant when my ex walked out. He walked straight into the arms of his long term 'affair partner' and denied everything. He didn't admit she existed for over 9 months, let alone the fact that the affair had gone on for years. He would happily stand on our doorstep, handing over the children, and make comments about my pregnancy (along the lines of me being a slut and the bastard wasn't his) and then would be stock piling baby items at his house which his girlfriend would throw in the bin whilst screaming there'll be no babies in my house (it was mine and my ex's house, actually, but there you go). Allowing his girlfriend to hit the children didn't help....not supporting us financially (I was a SAHM) so the house went to repossession when I was about to give birth.....children having to hear about their 'fucking money grabbing mother' from the mouth of their father...eldest once asked me what a 'fucking dirty slag' was because that's what daddy and X call you....there's at least 5 episodes worth for Jeremy Kyle with a Xmas Special on top.

I have no issue with relationship falling apart and people falling out of love. Shit happens. You'd be daft not to realise that. It's how you deal with it. And you're lying. And that's precisely why you're no better than my ex. There are posts here from people who don't have a clue, who are supporting you because they believe that you're facing up to things. You're not. You're lying. Having lived through an affair and the aftermath and being in a far better place today than I ever was with my ex husband (I now own my own home outright, I have a new career, I support my children without any help from him as he refuses financial support, lots of dating and new friendships) I can tell you that the one thing that destroyed my children's relationship with their father is the lying. They know. I have never had to tell them. I don't bad mouth him. They see him regularly (at the moment - he dips in and out). They know he tells lies. They know how that makes them feel. His bed, he lies in it.

True tessa - Keeping him and w on good terms will be really important. I will continue to bear that in mind.

francesca - am I being bullied on this thread too or just peapod?

I know people who know OMs wife... I've said this before. I don't want to go into details but I knew even before I met him what she was like to him! Fair enough this is only "on the grapevine" chat so taken with a pinch of salt.

Crikey mumandboys that sounds dreadful.

I take your point that I'm lying but I am offended at the comment I'm no better than your ex as I would not dream of carrying out some of the things you've talked about here...

Or even THINK about them!