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Original poster

Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

743 replies

beingmyself · 26/06/2013 14:41

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

OP posts:
Missbopeep · 02/07/2013 13:28

It's a hoot, Pea. Really.

Everyone at work knew what he was up to- eh? And you were some poor innocent bystander who was the object of his romantic dreams ?

I feel I have stumbled into a Mills and Boon novel.

LittlePeaPod · 02/07/2013 13:29

Missbopeep you are talking hors sh*t and I won't get dragged into a debate about something you find difficult to believe. It ends up with "oh it's the woman that leads the man on. Otherwise he would not talk to her about anything personal, even if they have known each other for years. She must have lead him in. " Utter balls.

carolst · 02/07/2013 13:30

So posters defend the person who had an affair and moan at the person who didn't.

LittlePeaPod · 02/07/2013 13:33

Carlst I know! its very amusing, shows the level of moral standards on this issue clearly. Ha ha ha

Missbopeep · 02/07/2013 13:37

Peapod

I am not defending affairs or the OP .

I am asking why people in glass houses think it's a good idea to throw stones.

If you had any kind of relationship- and you admit you got 'close'- with this man, then you were culpable of the very thing you now condemn, except you stopped it before he left his wife, as you got cold feet and your conscience kicked in- albeit a bit late.

The only other explanation is he is a complete loon who wanted to run off with a colleague whom he chatted to.

tessa6 · 02/07/2013 13:38

Oh for goodness sake, being, yes of course it's bad for the children for someone to say, 'daddy left because he doesn't love us anymore'. But there are SO many things to take into account here that your judgement of her seems incredibly high-handed and inappropriate. The noble way to behave in your position is to NEVER criticise the ExW for a start. It is not your place to do so. You are perpetuating an intimacy with your partner by sharing perceived slights of hers and it is mutually beneficial, so that you feel less bad about your breaking up a family and he feels he was within his rights to leave. The only thing you have brought up that is in any way out of order on her part is her telling the children he doesn't love the family unit anymore, and though that is deeply unhelpful and potentially damaging, the moving out and rejection of them is going to FEEL like that to them anyway, so getting on your high horse over words is a little embarrassing.

Consider:

  1. You do not even know that she said this. You were not there. Children get things wrong or even lie, so do men, as you'll know too well by now. She may have said because he doesn't love ME anymore and this has been misinterpreted or she may have said he loves someone else MORE. In any case, you just don't know the words, the context, or the meaning behind them.
  1. She might have said this but said it in the heat of anger, in total sadness, or some state of emotional pain that does not excuse it, but mitigates it and she might go on to correct this.
  1. She might have said it deliberately and coldly to express her pain and try and fuck up her kids relationship with their father for revenge. EVEN SO it is not your business. It is not good for children to feel unloved and it is your partner's job to redress this feeling which the children will have for many reasons right now. You blaming their mother is a contributor to the bad feeling and pain of the children, NOT a corrective.

You can absolutely live together in your bubble but you are winning yourself no friends here or in life by justifying so vociferously her 'wrongness'.

Original poster
beingmyself · 02/07/2013 13:40

reggie LOL @ lying in the sun passing judgement on mumsnet posters

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/07/2013 13:41

PeaPod, you've rather painted yourself into a corner.

Either you entered into discussions with this man that overstepped the bounds of what a person with your moral compass would do... or you're such a provocative and potent woman that we should all be very afraid and falling down in gratitude to you for your admirable restraint. He must be very, very smitten by your conversation to leave his wife of such long-standing on that basis.

I'm curious though... at what point in your long three year working relationship did he suggest leaving his wife? What was your response? Did you remain friends after that? Did you think that your conversations about widgets had taken a bit of a leap? Did you shut him down immediately once he'd moved on from Widget-gate to Wife-gate?

I posted to Schmaltzing earlier about the circumstances a man/woman might leave a relationship/happy home but never, in my wildest dreams, did I think it would happen based on a never.a.foot.wrong.working.relationship.honest.guv scenario.

I consider myself educated and you're rumbled.

carolst · 02/07/2013 13:44

I agree Tessa6

Also you wanted stories of highs and lows but haven't given facts that would affect that. Like how old is your child? Has your partner actually filed for divorce? If not, this is another upset on it's way. So obviously a low.

I also know of a man who continued to keep the affair secret after leaving as he was still sleeping with his wife. She thought there was still a chance as he hadn't been honest about his affair and was still spending a lot of time at home with her and kids and sending very mixed signals. Very cruel. Does your new partner play happy families with his wife and kids still?

Original poster
beingmyself · 02/07/2013 13:44

tessa - I've been thinking a lot of what you've said of course. I am trying to act with more empathy towards her. I just found peapod's comment about people taking responsibility for their actions as double standards when only the cheaters are expected to do so. But then seeing some of the latter posts from peapod maybe sitting within double standards is a comfortable place to be!

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 02/07/2013 13:45

If you had any kind of relationship- and you admit you got 'close'- with this man, then you were culpable of the very thing you now condemn, except you stopped it before he left his wife, as you got cold feet and your conscience kicked in- albeit a bit late.

Let me clarify. I didn't get cold feet because I would never have an affair. His still a friend but not as close as we used to be, my choice not his! I would never have done it because I have always believed its wrong. No grey areas its black and white. You either choose to do it or you choose not to do it. I don't understand how people don't see that!

LittlePeaPod · 02/07/2013 13:46

Lying I don't think so. You would like to paint me into a corner. The point is its black and white. You choose to have an affaire or you don't.

LittlePeaPod · 02/07/2013 13:47

Only have 10% power on IPad so will have to hear what the threads has to say later..

Original poster
beingmyself · 02/07/2013 13:48

Funny how the power is low now Wink

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 02/07/2013 13:51

Tess you make some great points...

AnyFucker · 02/07/2013 13:51

Pea sorry love, but what you describe is an emotional affair with a married man. No more, no less.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/07/2013 13:51

I can't tripe on your keyboard, PeaPod. Whatever the true picture is isn't what we're seeing but well, that's your affair, isn't it.

carolst · 02/07/2013 13:51

being, please see my post above. Does he still play happy families and send the wrong signals?

AnyFucker · 02/07/2013 13:52

tripe ?

Yes, that about sums it up Smile

Sorry, couldn't resist

Missbopeep · 02/07/2013 13:52

Oh the convenient lack of battery ! LOL.

Really Pea- just put your hands up and no one will think any the worse of you.

You simply won't admit will you that you must have done something to make a man confess his feelings and want to run off with you- unless you are so alluring that all men are just helpless in your company and immediately want to leave their wives for you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/07/2013 13:54

Indeed, AF, can't type - but tripe? No problem. :)

LittlePeaPod · 02/07/2013 13:54

Being please will don't you read what people are saying about your behaviour and take some ownership. From at least one persons post it seems this has been said to you before on other threads. I know it helps to try and defuse it by using me as an escape via two people who have your level of morals and think their posts make a slight bit of difference to me. But it's not me that is party to distroying a family by shagging my way into the husbands affections!

MarmiteNotVegemite · 02/07/2013 13:55

Oh for goodness sake, being, yes of course it's bad for the children for someone to say, 'daddy left because he doesn't love us anymore

Has anyone commented that the children may feel it's their fault? Not in a general way, but quite specifically?

It happened in my family: there was an OW, but the children were never told. There had been lots of rows in the house -- between the exH and his children, as much as between the husband & wife. It all came out a few years later that the eldest child in particular (who was a pubertal teenager at the time) thought she was the reason her father left. He had never told her about the OW.

Such thoughtlessness by her father made it all the more cruel.

LittlePeaPod · 02/07/2013 13:57

As for the others trying to make me feel or look however it is. I don't believe we will ever agree so why don't you give the Op some valuable advice on how she continues with her affair.

Original poster
beingmyself · 02/07/2013 13:59

No - he doesn't play happy families at all though is "friendly" to his w which I fully support.

I AM taking responsibility, not trying to deflect onto you peapod. I know I did stuff wrong. I am human, I chose to act on something earlier than I should have done. I'll always feel bad for that. But his w made lots of choices of her own over the years and I am not responsible for them.

I sympathise with someone's husband leaving them, but that doesn't mean I am going to paint her as a saint and an incredible wife and mother.

OP posts:
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