Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

[beingmyself]

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

being how will you keep OM and his wife on good terms?

Will you stop believing the gossip about her? Will you stop negatively analysing her second hand? Will you encourage your OM to respect her, be kind to her, understand her pain and not blame her?

That would be a huge step in your taking ownership of the lives you are leading.

No just peapod. She didn't start a thread that was bound to get negative reactions. If you think you're being bullied though, deal with it.

Yes I'd take gossip about another woman with a pinch of salt. Especially women who are coping with two children under five years of age, or four like they probably were then.

Being I think at the end of the day, the issue that most posters here have an issue with is the choice to continue having a relationship in secret. The reasoning being, if you're not doing anything wrong, you shouldn't have to hide it.

That being said, I've said myself in a previous post that I would have preferred to not know that I was cheated on with a fat cow five times my size that had a mustache. You know your situation better than anyone else. If you can honestly tell yourself that your husband is better off not knowing about the affair, then leave it until the dust settles a bit.

While I don't think anyone will say that you made the right choice to begin the affair in the first place, it sounds like you have a grasp on the situation, and are being very conscious of the kids involved, which is the most important thing. This entire situation has the potential to become very, very messy, very quickly, so just think carefully about all of your decisions moving forward.

You don't deserve the venom that's been directed towards you on this post, and I'm sorry that you were subjected to that. I certainly don't envy your situation, but I wish you the best.

reggie I don't think anyone wants to have the pain that knowledge of infidelity inflicts upon them.

Francesca it really confuses me how you can possibly come to Peapod's defence. She wasn't bullied- any more than the OP was.

Peapod posted a lot of self righteous rubbish and refused to answer questions about the extent of her relationship- that's why she came under fire.

She has clearly had an affair , but without the sex. How else could a man get so far as wanting to leave his wife? On the basis of work based chats around the photocopier? Peapod even said that they got 'close'- but she won't admit either to herself or anyone here that boundaries were crossed.

I don't know a thing about your friend and colleague- but from what you have said I suspect she was too kind and it came over as more meaningful and personal than she intended- which to me smacks of naivity and not knowing how some men interpret that kind of behaviour.

but you are carrying out the same stuff - maybe not swearing in that way - but you are still happy to lie and you are still happy to have digs or make derogatory comments about your 'partner's' ex and every roll of the eyes or huff in the 'right' place will tell his children just what you think (I appreciate you're not seeing them yet)...and you play the 'but I trust him' card when you know full well that your relationship is based entirely on a bed of lies and that logically, you therefore cannot trust a word he says about his ex, his relationship with her and the reasons why things haven't worked out.

I know exactly why my ex's girlfriend was so horrible...she had been told that age old mid-life crisis 'we never sleep together' crap only to find me pregnant three weeks after he walks out. She knew her relationship was now also based on lies - but probably was unable to express it with that much understanding because who wants to realise you've thrown away a perfectly decent life for one based on lies?

... But I would say that the pain that truth brings is one thing.

The pain brought about lies and blame is another.

Being the one who is left amidst a flurry of lies and falsely blamed, vilified and accused of being 'unhinged' ['The Script'] by a guilty couple 'starting out their new lives' is relentlessly dreadful.

Haven't read all the posts so excuse me if I've missed something. I agree with what was said, it's the continuing to be a secret that is showing the disrespect but saying that, I bet it's not a secret to everyone, someone will have and still does know what's going on.

If I was you I would be very careful, you haven't met under sincere circumstances, it's based on lies and deceit, give it time, if it's meant to be a lasting relationship then taking it slow won't make any difference but it may, flag up a few warnings for you before you actually get in any deeper.

It amazes me how folk justify affairs by saying they haven't been getting on with their partners for some time, if that is the case, leave first then look for someone new no?

My dad had an affair whilst working away, it destroyed my mum, it's 30 years later and even though we all have to suffer her from time to time, my dad has never made an honest woman of her, she's still in the closet even though my mum died ten years ago, says it all really, you don't have the same respect for each other when you both cheat.

that's my point linerunner. I personally have no issue with the affair itself - it's a cowardly way of leaving a marriage and it was particularly unpleasant in our case as my ex carried on the affair for years before leaving me so every holiday, every family outing, every anniversary, every romantic gesture made on either side, every 'I love you' spoken was then somehow....dirty? I can assure I'm not 'weak' or 'delicate' in any way and I am well educated, have travelled the world alone and am capable of earning a living so my ex had no reason to 'pick the right moment' to somehow lessen the blow. The only thing that could have made a wrong situation...OK would have been to tell the truth. I'm not talking about the detail, the detail is traumatic and unnecessary to hear. I'm talking just a straight forward 'I've been having an affair. I need to leave. I no longer love you. I recognise that I have upset you and that both you and the children will need some time to get used to things. I intend to be a decent father and work with you to co-parent the children as effectively as possible. I intend to be decent and make sure you have a roof over your head and money to pay the bills in the short term, until we can work something out, and then be reasonable in the longer term about maintenance and child care costs'.

Instead what I got was 'I'm going...I might come back, I might not...I don't care you're pregnant, you must have been sleeping with someone else...if you need money then fucking go out to work then and I'll have the children 'cos you obviously can't care for them properly if you have no money....no there is no one else...you're a fucking jealous bitch and can't cope that I have female friends...who I introduce the children to is my business...why don't you just commit suicide and do us all a favour 'cos you're fucking stupid and no one will ever want you and when the children grow up they'll judge you and never want to see you again....'

You may not use those words. You may be quieter. But that's lying - to yourself and to the one person who deserves the truth.

In the room and on charge.

Francesca thank you. You are right it was bullying in its simplist since but bullies don't bother me. These situations happen a lot in the working environment and its up to each individual to make a choice. Have the affair or don't have the affair. Simple IMO

missbopeep*. Read through my notes and you will see I explained the situation clearly. You just don't want to accept it. Fine, I don't care because I never had an affair and never would. It's amazing hw accepting you are of Francesca's note (which is pretty similar )but it could never happen under other circumstances (I.e my situation). Oh no I had to have lead him on. I must have had an affair and lead him on! Please... Plus your notes didn't just refer to my post now did They? I don't have to explain myself but since you brought my handle of the English language up let me clear it up for you. 1) I am usingpre text on the IPad and not checking it through (its MN - dont give a tosh) which does as it pleases at times 2) why, because I am dyslexic but people like you normally don't consider that when you use those comments to attack others! That too doesn't bother me as I have grown up with those types of bullying coments my entire life.

being mum is right in her comparison to a degree IMO. You have been saying some unpleasant things about OMs wife. All based on gossip and what he tells you. You admitted you told him that she was EA when he didn't think she was, amongst other comments. So yes, to a degree you are behaving the same. (i,e when mums exs new P calls her names) You can't post this sort of thread and expect everyone to be all understanding because as it is in the real world some people (like me) will think what has occurred is awful and both you and OM are very selfish and to blame.

its MN - don't give a tosh [runs to hotel room from beach/pool to charge iPad to continue in debate]

Its 6pm here and actually came to my room to get ready... Would you like a picture! As previously stated bullies don't bother me. So to make it clear our communications are herewith at an end....

Not bullying at all, just pointing out the truth (wasn't that what you said you were doing earlier? Don't see how it's any different now that you're at the receiving end )

mumandboys Yes, our Exes are actually prime examples of how NOT to go about ending a marriage and altering family circumstances.

Not so much leaving with dignity and a bit of humility and maturity; more a case of lies, damn lies and immature selfishness.

I think people do get to pick which path they choose to take - to be kind or unkind to the partner they are leaving. And I think that OW and OM should encourage the kindness path. To do otherwise is counter-productive in the long run, especially for the children involved.

OP where is your boyfriend living at the moment ?

Nice.

So women who have affairs are defended and women who dont are liars and sluts who lead men on?

Real nice.

Also thinking about the fact women on here are often advised to leave marriages which are unhappy and "kids will be fine" but then suddenly on this thread mine and my partners kids are guaranteed a life of instability, upset, academic underperformance, emotional turmoil etc.

In the first place, 'marriages which are unhappy' is a gross understatement of most of the threads where 'leave' is the advice. On the threads I am familiar with, there is clearcut abuse of one partner or other going on and in a situation like that the better of two bad choices is made with the welfare of both the abused partner and the children in mind. This is an example of thinking with a part of your anatomy normally reserved for purposes other than thinking. You are determined to twist everything you see to excuse what you are doing.

I believe each situation is unique and will do my utmost to make sure the fallout is as minimal as possible. Indeed before My partner had met me his daughter would say things like "mummy stop shouting at daddy" and get upset about the things that went on at home. (a friend told me this, not him, and said friend knows nothing about me and him).

You believe you and your BF have something special that nobody else does. You also engage in gossip about this man's relationship and choose to believe what suits your purposes about the relationship, even when it comes second hand. Another example of doing your thinking away from your brain. Again the willingness to coat your decisions with a thick layer of sugar -- are you saying you did his children a favour by distracting him from their mother?

Are you going to tell your H about your affair?
Is your BF going to tell his wife about his affair?

Your failure to do this is the bottom line measure of the sort of people you both are.

They are coming to terms with a fait accompli that you and your BF have visited upon them.
You owe these people the truth of why they are now in one case living away from their own house and children and in the other, even judging by your own words, in bits and afraid her children are going to be wrenched from her.

OP - just a thought. My parents separated when I was 12. It has never stopped hurting and I'm 53. I look at my DC, so planned, so loved, almost adults now and I marvel at how my parents did that to a child they said they loved. Think on a liTtle about the ripple effects of what you are playing with.

Married do you mean that parents who split shouldnt do that to their children?

I have split with my H and love my children more than anything in the world, so does he !

:-(

In the absence of abuse yes I do mean that. Apologies if it hurts but it was a pain I have never recovered from and it made me tke enormous care over getting married and starting a family at all.

Imnotscared
I think that's really sad- for you.

Surely you love your parents and want them to be happy? If that means they live apart, is that not enough for you?

Or did one of them 'leave you' as well as the marital home?

I think you need to get some kind of help if at 53 you are still 'hurting' over your parent's decision to divorce.

You might also be have rosy coloured specs on about other families- my parents didn't divorce, but they lead pretty separate lives, living in the same house in their mid 80s now. They never even sit in the same room. Imagine how that feels for me when I drive for 5 hours to see them.

We can't dictate what our parents do- but we can try to be happy and accommodate their lives, by not always thinking about 'us'.

sorry- that should be for married

I can understand anyone, including my ExH, wishing to exit a marriage.

But I don't understand how my ExH and OW could maliciously badmouth me to my DC's wider family, to my family, to our friends, and to DC - all the while denying the affair that was instrumental in his leaving. That patently caused damage.

Parents who split and who can show love and consideration to everyone in the family, clearly do not cause such damage. Sometimes they can do good.

To me there is a clear difference between the two; and patently causing damage whilst being (as someone said upthread) faux naif and pretending to be doing good, is not just deceitful but revolting.

Married I agree with bopeep. My parents started their divorce when I was 7, and it didn't finish until I was about 12. It was nasty, I had to testify in court as to who I wanted to live with, was dragged in front of child psychologists as they tried to get dirt on each other, and spent years hearing them say horrible things to each other.

However, as an adult, I can see that my situation has more to do with my parents being total fuckwits, and less to do with actual divorce. I have since seen adults handle separation in a reasonable, adult manner, so I know that it can be done, with little to no negative impact on the kids. Even as terrible as my parents divorce was, I still turned out okay (so I'd like to think?) and capable of having legitimate, lasting relationships (both romantic and friendly).