Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

[beingmyself]

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

I have been away on business with no time to check mnet but just catching up on the thread.

I'm sorry you had such a terrible time June and that another poster is left in a living room.

My partner will be contributing financially over and above what he has to voluntarily. No issue there.

I won't be used as a childminder! My partner, his ex and myself all have well paid jobs so nobody will be used. In any case I won't be meeting his children for a long time until they are used to the situation with their parents.

Of course I am concerned about my own DC however it's slightly different as me and my h are both comfortable with the split and are therefore not saying potentially damaging things to the children such as "daddy's leaving us because he doesn't love us." I know his w is hurting but I think repeating this to young children is wrong.

I've been thinking a lot about the assumption that OW are always awful selfish people and the wives are always "loving mothers"... It's surely a sweeping generalisation to make.

Also thinking about the fact women on here are often advised to leave marriages which are unhappy and "kids will be fine" but then suddenly on this thread mine and my partners kids are guaranteed a life of instability, upset, academic underperformance, emotional turmoil etc. I believe each situation is unique and will do my utmost to make sure the fallout is as minimal as possible. Indeed before My partner had met me his daughter would say things like "mummy stop shouting at daddy" and get upset about the things that went on at home. (a friend told me this, not him, and said friend knows nothing about me and him).

Anyway - what I am trying to say is that I did a bad thing but I will focus on the future. I'm not going to stop seeing him till we are divorced... But we will take it easy, we aren't planning on meeting kids or anything for a LONG time so we will just carry on building our relationship.

Thanks for all the posts

Carolst

I think your post is far too black and white and you appear to have a lack of reality over how relationships sometime evolve- which is not all neat and tidy.

In an ideal world, no one would leave a relationship for someone else. But it happens. And for some people the impetus to leave an unhappy relationship comes when they meet someone else- often when they are not looking. There are many, many marriages that are dead in the water for years but neither party has the courage ( or finances these days) to just jump ship and leave. Sometimes meeting someone else gives them the push to make changes.

That scenario is a whole lot different to men or women who have ' bits on the side' throughout their marriages , unless of course they have an agreement to have some kind of 'open' relationship.

Wives aren't always loving mothers but having an affair and lying constantly, and now continuing to lie is selfish. Fact. So OW/OM are selfish.

Has your partner filed for divorce?

I would advise all couples to truly try and work out their differences, try counselling and try and re-spark the love they originally felt, talk about how things are going wrong and try to resolve them. If you don't believe this you shouldn't get married in the first place. If this doesn't work, and it is unhappy then no-one would say stay together but the addition of a third party OW/OM detracts from trying to save the original relationship as affairs are highly consuming. Trying, but then agreeing to split is totally different to having an affair and walking out.

As previous posters have said. Own what you have done and be honest. It's not "a" bad thing, it's a constant daily pile up of bad things, every time you both lie and continue to do so.

I've been thinking a lot about the assumption that OW are always awful selfish people and the wives are always "loving mothers"... It's surely a sweeping generalisation to make.

Indeed. I worry when we see threads like these that every OW will be tarred with your brush. Having had friends who were OW, I'd hate people to think that they were like you've come across on this thread OP. I saw this thread the other night and in fact showed it to one of those mates. She was appalled at some of the things you've said on this thread.

I'm sure it must help you to think that people are prejudiced towards you because of who you're having sex with, but actually I think it's personal

You come across very badly indeed. As a person.

carolst- that's all very 'commendable' advise- but what you seem unable to understand is that people are humans- they are fallible and have these things called 'emotions'. I used to write- and think- like you did when I was about 16, and saw the whole world in terms of black and white and everything was oh so simple. Now I'm pushing 60 and have seen a lot of people's lives, I am more compassionate.

Missbopeep, I haven't said it's simple have I? I can see how compassionate you are by comparing my writing and thoughts to a 16 year old. When if you read my posts I haven't wished OP a bad life or sadness or showed any lack of compassion. I think I am just VERY compassionate and don't like to see people betrayed and lied to as whether your 16 or pushing 60 lying to this extent about real lives is wrong.

So you don't ever tell lies and behave in a 100% good, kind, compassionate way? If so I am confused as to why you post rather hurtful comments condemning another person's behaviour.

Where are my hurtful comments. I said lying is selfish and wrong. Do you disagree? Do you think affairs are good? I am not saying it doesn't happen but know it's wrong. Even OP states it's wrong.

I do make mistakes, but admit to them and try not to do it again. I wouldn't continue to lie for months and months. I didn't say I was perfect or that OP should try to be so.

Schmaltzing... I agree with you but that's a bit of a different scenario. What I was referring to is the more usual - or more talked about - scenario of partner having an affair, happy to stay married and keep 'status quo'. Assuming that there isn't the 'push' from the cheated on partner, I would say that a happily married man/woman is unlikely to actually leave the marital home given that there are huge emotional and financial costs that would accompany such a move.

I would just wonder what the relationship will be like now all the illicit excitement has gone out of it. I think that maybe once reality sets in it might not live up to expectations.

Missbopeep humans have emotions but we can choose how we act on those feelings/emotions and how we behave. I may not have been cheated on but I had the opportunity to enter into an affair and he was willing to leave his wife if I went ahead with it. At the time I was single with no ties (7 months out of an 11 year relationship). He on the other hand had been married for 5 years but with his wife for about 10 years. He had been on secondment in another city for 16 months and in that time his DW and him had only seen each other over the weekend. That 16 months placed a huge strain on their marriage because he was under a huge amount of pressure and his DW was also under pressure having been in the last year of her nursing degree whilst both working and living apart. When he returned we worked very closely together and did develope feelings for each other (nothing ever happened). He wanted us to get together and i later found out he had told most of his friends how he felt about me and that he didn't love his wife anymore and wanted out. In the meantime his relationship with his wife deteriorated and he saw me as his escape. He thought everything would work out fine and we should start a relationship because of how we felt. I told him straight. There was no way I would ever have an affair or be involved in the break up of a relationship. I told him if he was unhappy he needed to live his wife and live on his own as a single man for some time before I would entertain a relationship. But I also warned him that by leaving his wife he would be taking a risk because I could meet someone else in that time. He didn't understand why i wouldn't get involved in a relationship and his reasoning was "you cant help who you fall for". But as far as i am concerned you may not be able to help who you fall for but you have full control over your actions and behaviour. I made it clear as day an affair or relationship whilst he was married even if separated was out of the question. Guess what! He never did leave his wife and they are due to have a baby in August. This is the same man that was telling everyone how he didn't love his wife and was happy to leave her if he could jump out of her bed and straight into my bed.

I stuck to my morals and its one of the best decisions i have ever made. I am now due to marry someone with similar morals who I know would leave me before shacking up with OW. Whoever said only weak people have affairs was right. These people are weak because they can't control their selfish behaviour and are quite happy to be party to destroying another persons life. Even when it's for a short period of time to save others suffering. It's the strong people that walk away with dignity. Having an affair is a choice people make. It's not a mistake and its not uncontrollable emotions that drive it.

The irony of my situation is that when my XH's friend was seeing his married girlfriend, my XH didn't want to spend time with them because he didn't approve of his friend seeing a married woman. He didn't like her and thought his friend was mad to marry her. Once she actually left her first H and married her second H, my XH's friend, we did socialise with them a bit because they were then married and no longer a dirty little secret.

The fact that my XH then eventually ended up in the position that his friend was in, is just unbelievable. Obviously he is no longer deceiving me, as I divorced him, but he is betraying his best friend and she is deceiving her H. That doesn't make either of them good people in my book.

and as for her H? well he knew what he was getting when he married a woman who was happy to cheat on her first husband.

Lying is selfish. My XH was still happy to make love to me and pretend that everything was OK, whilst texting OW telling her how awful his marriage was. It's a shame that he didn't bother to tell me how bad his marriage was......... the partner that is in the dark is inevitably going to end up very hurt, when their partner leaves out of the blue.

A bad marriage, where there are continual rows and upsets is very different to one where all appears well and one partner has no idea that the other is telling OW how unhappy he is..

I can see how some of what I've said has come across badly badinage. Its sometimes hard to explain well and when people don't know the individuals or their situations it is all to easy to judge. Ive done it in the past too.

PeaPod... so, this man was willing to leave his wife for you, based on nothing more than conversation? You say you were close but you didn't have a relationship? What about your emotional affair then? Did you have one of those?

I don't believe a word of your insufferably smug posts.

I hope you feel better for getting all of that out.

And I hope your crystal ball proves correct. I am now due to marry someone with similar morals who I know would leave me before shacking up with OW

You did indeed behave honourably, and I'm sure the outcome for everyone was the best, but a little compassion for others who don't meet your high moral standards would not go amiss amongst all the self promotion.

humans have emotions but we can choose how we act on those emotions

I agree with this peapod... But up thread lots of people were telling me I and my partner were responsible for how his wife is acting. So do the wives have no responsibility for their actions? Are they exempt from all behavioural responsibility because they are the ones being left?

I KNOW I am partly responsible for what she is going through and after a lot of self reflection yesterday feel truly awful about that. But I don't think what she chooses to DO is my fault. Much like I wouldnt say I couldn't help being intimate with her husband because I had feelings for him. I had the feelings and chose what to do with them, is it not the same for the wife?

Peapod- if you 'developed feelings' for each other which culminated in his wanting to leave his wife, that surely amounted to more than a quick chat about the weather over the vending machine.

I think there is a certain amount of self-delusion on your part about exactly what relationship you had ( even if it did not involve sexual intercourse.) No man would pursue a woman as you describe here, and tell his friends he wanted to leave his wife for her, if that woman had not reciprocated his feelings for some of the time and encouraged him.

Maybe you need to do some more naval gazing into your own part in it all.

Lying I have worked with him and known him for years. Yes he told me all about his situation but I wasn't the only one. He was the one doing all the chasing. If he had been single then yes I would have dated him. I made it clear very time he broached the subject that there was No way on earth I would entertain an affair. We worked very closely together for three years and saw each other every day. You may not believe it but its true. You don't want to believe it because you cant accept that people are can walk away from theses situations. People do have control on their chooses. I find it insufferable that people make excuses for tis kind of behaviour.. Get a grip. It happens and people with morals walk away all the time.

Give your boyfriend's wife a fighting chance - she's acting the way she is (if at all, we only have her husbands word for that) because you've decided to keep her in the dark.

The minute she has the truth she'll stop thinking it's because he doesn't love her/she's boring/not putting out enough/not scrubbing his undies right and realise it's because he's shagging you.

Then she'll be on a level footing. Then you can pass comment on her actions without sounding like a (complete) twat.

Oh FFS as people have said over and over again on this thread (Lord knows why they've had the patience) you don't know how is wife is feeling, acting or behaving.

Even if there's a smidgeon of truth in these tales you're being told, FFS the woman's in shock and people behave very differently in that state than in others. Your judgement of her is horrible to read.

BTW I've seen lots of threads of yours over the months. I don't believe that someone can come across as badly as you do on so many threads and people's reaction to you is just because they don't know you personally, or would feel much differently if they did. If you came out with this shit in real life, you'd get just the same reaction. But you don't know that yet do you? You've kept the whole shebang a secret. Probably because of that very reason. You know what people would think of the way you've behaved and are behaving - and they'd quite rightly tell you to get your head out of your backside and start taking responsibility.

I think there is a certain amount of self-delusion on your part about exactly what relationship you had ( even if it did not involve sexual intercourse.) No man would pursue a woman as you describe here, and tell his friends he wanted to leave his wife for her, if that woman had not reciprocated his feelings for some of the time and encouraged him.

That's says alot about your perception of peoples behaviour and how these things can start. also how you view men! He saw me as an escape and he couldn't understand why I wouldnt do it. Why, because people think its ok if two people feel something to go ahead and have an affair... Well it's not. So yes I do and will always judge those people that behaviour in this way..

As for my DF and I. He thinks this situation is as appalling as I do. Shared it with him whilst we are here sunny ourselves and having a lovely time together on holiday.

Pea It's quite hard to believe your version of events. Either you are living in some fantasy world over what this guy wanted ( ie- it was never really as serious as you are trying to make out) or you are being economical with the truth, to make yourself sound whiter-than-white.

So you 'weren't the only one'. Meaning- he was asking other women out and going to leave his wife for them?

Your posts are an insult to MNs intelligence, and the phrase ' she doth protest too much' is ringing in my ears.

Get over yourself and see this for what it- and you- are.

Oh please he was talking to people we associate together with about it. Everyone that we are closely associated with at work knew what he was up to. Look I don't care if you believe me or not. Your opinion frankly doesn't matter because we clearly have different standards on this issue. You just can't accept people have morals. So get on with it..

Actually I agree with one thing. It wouldn't surprise me if he was trying it on with others. Because people capable of this behaviour will do it with anyone if they get a chance to!

LittlePea If the two of you like to spend your time on holiday, lying in the sun and passing judgement on mumsnet posters then I think you are probably on exactly the same moral level, and very well suited indeed.

x-post Pea.

He would only have seen you as an escape route if you dangled the ladder in front of him for long enough.

My post says nothing about how I see men, or how people's behaviour evolves, in the way you imply. But yours show more and more about you and the hole is getting deeper and deeper- so you should think hard before digging more.

NO man gets close enough to a woman to even begin to consider her as an escape route unless she engages with him at some level, other than a friendly colleague.

I'd have more respect for you if you admitted that you started something which developed and then you withdrew- rather than paint yourself as entirely innocent.