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Original poster

Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

743 replies

beingmyself · 26/06/2013 14:41

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

OP posts:
LineRunner · 30/06/2013 23:59

And I think that the OP is in need of a lot of luck and I still think she should run for the hills.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2013 00:00

This woman needs a reality check about the man she has hitched her wagon to

I consider that an act of sisterhood. Others may not.

Bogeyface · 01/07/2013 00:04

Wow.

Really, wow.

"I am leaving you because although I love you, I am not in love with you. Yes I know you think that I am having an affair but really I am not! Oh btw, I will take the children with me because I think you are nuts. What? How will I cope? Well I have this "friend".....erm I mean...erm...I will get a nanny! Yes I know I said that we couldnt afford for you to go back to work but I am sure I will manage. Have you met my new friend Being btw?"

This is the gift that I really wish didnt keep giving.

Either you are the single most vicious and selfish woman in the history of the world or you are a fucking moron.

I hope that you are a moron.

Dadthelion · 01/07/2013 00:21

I still think there must be a lot of unhappy women who have affairs who daren't post on here, as they'll get ripped to shreds.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2013 00:22

You can think what you like, DTL, but you might be best sticking to the actual situation at hand

Or else your input to this thread seems somewhat superfluous

Bogeyface · 01/07/2013 00:28

They will DTL and you know why?

For the same reason as men who have affairs get ripped to shreds. Because you cant claim to love someone, care about them, do "the best thing for everyone", whilst simultaneously being a selfish arsehole.

The "someone" they claim to love is often their child and yet they will still happily rip that childs life apart in the name of "you only get one life".

Yes, you do. What gives anyone the right to tar the life of that child in the name of their own selfishness?

Selba · 01/07/2013 01:05

Lyingwitch, excellent, thoughtful posts .
OP good luck and I am glad you and your partner left your unhappy marriages. More people should do the same .

Bogeyface · 01/07/2013 01:10

Selba Do you think that more people should have affairs and then lie til their dying day in order to leave unhappy marriages? I left my first marriage without having an affair, many people do.

And I ask again the question that wasnt answered before, why wasnt the marriage considered "unhappy" until there was a better offer?

downunderdolly · 01/07/2013 01:21

Being

I don't generally post on "OW" type threads having been left for an OW myself (they did and do still lie about when their relationship started) and have been and am continuing to go through related parenting and custody issues.

But trying to put some of that aside I think the best thing that you can do is some/all of the following:-

  1. Irrespective of the who's, why's and wherefore's of your new relationship you need to OWN the fact that its genesis did not come about ideally and has and will cause deep pain to your previous partners and DC involved.
  1. As such, irrespective of whether or not your are personally comfortable with it, you need to take on board that it will and has 'unfortunate' consequences that again, you need to own rather than make excuses for.
  1. IMHO lying about your relationship 'to make things easier' is a crock of shit. It will make your lives easier right now, make the confusion worse for ex-partners and intensify anger when the 'truth' comes out.
  1. If your relationship is for real (and I do know of some people who are still together post being affair partner and seem very happy) then you also need to take on board that ex-W is going to be part of your life for a very long time. It is unlikely to be an easy relationship to begin with, if ever, but layering on deception to the start of it probably isn't going to make things any easier over time.
  1. I'd caution against buying into the Kool-Aid of what their marriage was like. It may have been terrible, it may have been great, it may have been dead, it may just have been a marriage that is as good as anyone's and you came along. Who knows. But what I do know is that most men don't ever say "was pretty happy, wife was nice, but then along came X and blew me away and I decided to leave wife as I preferred x"....as that sounds, well a bit lame. So instead in many (but not all times) ex-W becomes unhinged/depressed/harridan/my life was misery as this makes a better story. Support your partner but don't fuel or become involved with his interactions.
  1. Like all things in life, take a moment to walk in her shoes. Imagine if your marriage was ending against your wishes and time with children about to be carved up when she has previously been with them 100%. Of course your partner also needs to maintain and build relationship with them but the do unto others as you would have done rule applies more than ever here.

I have no idea if you are nice or not nice as a person but you do need to own that what you guys have done is not a very nice thing. Sometimes really nice people make poor decisions, maybe you will turn out to live happily ever after but own the situation and don't spent too much time justifying and making ex partners the scapegoat to justify actions.

Own it, act as well as you might in the circumstances, be mindful that a bomb has just gone off in someone else's lives and take care with your thoughts, actions and counsel.

Bogeyface · 01/07/2013 01:39

downunderdolly

That is the best post I have ever read on MN.

Selba · 01/07/2013 03:28

Bogey,, no

Selba · 01/07/2013 03:31

Dolly, what's your evidence for number 1) ?
Perhaps the ops husband and her lover's wife are relieved the marriage is over

Selba · 01/07/2013 03:32

When my friend's husband left her for someone else she was very relieved. They had been miserable for years.

downunderdolly · 01/07/2013 04:06

Selba

My 'evidence' for number 1) is that whilst the OP has said her husband is fine with the split she says of the STBEW "I do have huge empathy for his w in the fact her marriage will end against her wishes.... Says its painful enough splitting up the family without him "taking away her children half the week". But of course I can't know (nor can anyone else) how the ex-W feels. It is to some degree conjecture based on what has been written.
My contribution was based on what I have read, the way that the original OP's narrative and exchanges developed, I added my advice having been on the other side of the fence as to what she may wish to consider. I was careful not to be personal about it. We don't know the individual or circumstances.

Irrespective, I'm not really interested in getting into a that is right/that is wrong type of exchange as everyone will have different experiences and views; it is not a binary thing.

OP may read think its rubbish, think its sanctimonious, think it does not apply to her circumstances, or may take on board a kernel of something she hadn't considered. That is the nature of these boards.

Dolly x

LittlePeaPod · 01/07/2013 04:58

Op not read through all comments (saw a couple) so just replying to original post. I feel sorry for both sets of kids. It's so unfortunate for them to have two lying, deceitful and selfish parents. Really hope the other two parents will be able to provide / teach the children better morals than you and your new boyfriend r clearly capable off. I am also disgusted that you have the front to accuse his wife of been EA. You have no idea whether that's true other than hearing it from your new boyfriend, whom we already know is deceitful (as are you) from your own affair.

I hope bith your ex partners get what they deserve in the divorce including the kids (if that's what they want). Sorry but those kids need better role models. Then you two can go off and start your lovely new life together.

To be clear, I would say this regardless of whether you were a man. I find this sort of deceitful behaviour aborant and have no sympathy for anyone in the situation except for the children and your ex partner.

LittlePeaPod · 01/07/2013 05:42

(b) a mum who will damage her children's emotional well being long term

Oh god the more of your comments I read Op, the lower my opinion of you as a mother, decent human and woman. You really are one nasty self centered piece if work... The only two people damaging these children's emotional well being are you and your new boyfriend. You created this situation and you have psychoanalysed what's happening to suit your own needs (eg branding his wife EA and clearly manipulating him into thinking that). You are damaging these kids well being not their loving mother. Get a grip and take ownership of the destruction and pain your selfish behaviour has caused!

Original poster
beingmyself · 01/07/2013 06:38

Thanks dolly that is a useful post with lots of advice on it.

The insults arent so helpful but everyone can have their view so fine...

The thing I don't understand is that my partner was slated on here by people saying he'd left his w With the kids and left her to look after 2 under 5s, then he was slated for offering to take them full time/50,50 so what is a man leaving a marriage supposed to do on the childcare front?

It hurts to hear all the stuff you are saying about me. Even though i know a lot of it isnt true. This whole thing has really challenged a lot of my beliefs and of course it takes working through. You're way off the mark with comments about my partner too, but then I would say that wouldn't I!

There are LOTS of women who have/had affairs who are nice people. A lot of them have PMd me! And yes - most of the messages begin "I don't want to post on the forum but....". It is very helpful to have that support and constructive advice without bitterness and anger.
I understand this is an open forum but some of the recent posts felt less than constructive.

Thanks to all those people who've taken the time to give advice/constructive comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
beingmyself · 01/07/2013 06:47

And the comment about us doing the damage to the children's emotional well being has really made me think so thank you for pulling me up on that

OP posts:
Original poster
beingmyself · 01/07/2013 06:48

I know the w deserves more empathy. You are right to say that and I will work on it

OP posts:
marriedinwhiteagain · 01/07/2013 07:12

I haven't read all of this but as I have a dear friend going through similar let's set a few things straight.

The family (his) are heartbroken - teenagers and a long marriage where there was no unkindness or cruelty but you know what after 20 years life does get boring especially with kids and the fluffly love cloud is replaced with companionship, togetherness and a deeper caring love. No reason to leave whatsoever except a little lady hugely younger than him popped up at work and they had a secret affair. But people aren't stupid, they were seen together in the early evenings in places that weren't en-route to home. Their entire workplace is sniggering and if this gets out to the clients there will be braying for their departure. What will probably happen is that she will leave in disgrace - no job, no partner, no family, no home. He will go back to his family (hopefully) and gradually with the help and support of good friends they will repair what they had.

He was someone else's husband - if you wanted a little spice - then you should have found your own bloke not someone else's. Hope you can live with yourself. I know my friend, the wife is in bits - as are the children.

scaevola · 01/07/2013 07:18

"Get a grip and take ownership of the destruction and pain your selfish behaviour has caused!"

That's a pretty good summary of how OP's previous thread turned out too.

marriedinwhiteagain · 01/07/2013 07:24

Oh, and on the std front there is a need for someone to be checked actually. Him before he goes back to his wife.

Original poster
beingmyself · 01/07/2013 07:30

I have been taking a lot of ownership but I think in recent weeks because of things being said have felt that I am not responsible for how the w reacts.

You are right though - I am partly responsible for what she is going through and I need to be more mindful of that.

OP posts:
burberryqueen · 01/07/2013 07:36

There are LOTS of women who have/had affairs who are nice people
yes those are the ones who keep it distant and do not break up families.
not you however you want to spin it.
as for 'what is a man supposed to do on the 'childcare front' ? - er, not dump his wife for some unprincipled floozy and then remove the children from her care too, no.

burberryqueen · 01/07/2013 07:38

the 'worry' about the emotional harm the ex is doing to the children when you have just broken their family is astounding.