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Original poster

Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

743 replies

beingmyself · 26/06/2013 14:41

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

OP posts:
Heartbrokenmum73 · 30/06/2013 22:21
Leavenheath · 30/06/2013 22:30

Oh so it's you who's suggested his wife is 'emotionally abusive'?

You've learnt nothing from any of your threads have you? You're still trashing another woman who's in pain, despite nothing you've heard about her having been corroborated by anyone but a known liar.

Men like your partner must be rubbing their hands in glee at finding women so gullible and competitive with other women that they'll have affairs with them and persuade them that a woman who was repetitively left with two under fives to care for was 'emotionally abusive' and not just sick and tired of living with a man who rather than pull his weight at home and look after his children, spent time with an OW then left her and lied about it.

Your lack of empathy for that woman is astonishing. Not to mention your gullibility.

Original poster
beingmyself · 30/06/2013 22:39

I do know others who know the wife so its not just what my partner is saying.

I do have empathy for her but that doesn't mean I don't have an opinion on some of the things she is doing.

My partner told his w he Would like to take the children full time to give her some time to sort herself and her issues (which they'd openly discussed) out. she said "no way", he then wanted 50/50 and she said no way so he is fitting with what she wants cause he feels that's all he has a right to cause he Is the one leaving.

jim - I spent months feeling like your post "all I know is that he can lie" so everything he ever said to me I prefixed with "he's a liar" but at some point I chose to trust my instinct on him. Yes I know he can lie but we have talked a lot about why, are seeing a counsellor both together and separately and aren't abdicating the responsibility for cheating. We didn't start the relationship how we should have done but I'm not going to beat us up about it for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
beingmyself · 30/06/2013 22:39

Ps leaven - my situation is not your situation!!

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 30/06/2013 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 30/06/2013 22:53

Your "partner" sounds like one cruel fucker Hmm

Has he reported his ex wife to social services as an "unfit mother" yet ?

burberryqueen · 30/06/2013 23:02

I know many of you will scoff but I am genuinely thinking about the children here
scoff scoff scoff

Leavenheath · 30/06/2013 23:06

Your situation certainly isn't my situation, thank goodness. I could never think like you appear to think, or act like you appear to act. And I would never, ever want a man like your partner based on what you've told us about him.

Oh and while you're talking about your partner's 'rights'- you've got that wrong. His children are the one with rights. He's got responsibilities to them. Ones he appears to have abdicated to a distressed woman he's still lying to.

burberryqueen · 30/06/2013 23:12

and if you were 'genuinely thinking of the children' why did you hi-jack their family?
now you and your prince charming think it would be a good idea to remove them from their mother?
i feel a bit ill and may have to drive to the nearest town for fags.

LookingForwardToMarch · 30/06/2013 23:15

Anyone else pretty certain that op's OM is still probably trying to keep his wife sweet?

Hence needing secrecy so his wife is available to worm his way back in with.

AnyFucker · 30/06/2013 23:18

I have never smoked but I am considering taking it up. BQ, can I bum one of you ?

burberryqueen · 30/06/2013 23:20

yep may also purchase a small brandy if u would care for one

AnyFucker · 30/06/2013 23:23

I would

LineRunner · 30/06/2013 23:32

AnyFucker, Perhaps an 'unfit mother' report to SS, and a stressful (for the mother) application for a court contact order that he has no intention of sticking to?

AnyFucker · 30/06/2013 23:35

Perhaps, LR

Whatever is going on here, it sounds fucking horrendous. Not exactly "love's young dream" is it ?

LineRunner · 30/06/2013 23:36

Oh, and sticking to the script, there will be a disagreement over child support.

tessa6 · 30/06/2013 23:36

Oh being, i've got no ace to grind and nothing but empathy for anyone in pain but really you don't sound savvy at all yet.

Naivety can be great and if it can be maintained it can actually produce workable relationships but seriously, are you really surprised she didn't leap at the offer to have her children taken away from her altogether for a while so she could work on her 'issues'?!?! She's been married to aam who has been having an affair and lying to ber about it, do you have any idea what that does to the psyche, to esteem, to the sense of self and reality? She will feel totally unloved and confused, physically undesirable, at sea, and now she's been left, in utter grief. Her children will be the only sure, affectionate, pure thing she holds onto. I have no idea how you can be so blinkered or certain in your outlooks. 100%? Really? God love you if so, but i don't trust my alarm clock 100% and it's not lied continuously to those people that matter most for years.

You do not know the truth about this marriage.
That's okay. But you don't.

What's worrying is you don't seem to know that you don't know.

Trust me, i want to support you. But she is doing absolutely nothing in your description that is out of order. What you and he have done and continue to do (in terms of lying etc) is out of order. At least have the awareness to own that.

All best.

LineRunner · 30/06/2013 23:37

If I were OP, I would run for the hills.

AnyFucker · 30/06/2013 23:41

tessa you are saying what I am thinking with a coating of sweet understanding

OP, you are stupid, naive and party to not only another family's downfall but also that of your own personal equilibrium

any sympathy I might have felt for you was your support for the idea that it would be ok for this man to take these children away from their mother

who the fuck thinks that is ok, who is so blinded by poor choices, sunk costs and manipulation that they don't see the great waving red flag right there ?

you, OP

LookingForwardToMarch · 30/06/2013 23:44

Op won't run for the hills, she'll be high from the iddy biddy power trip she's getting from 'winning' this booby prize off his wife.

Still reckon she'll hang around until om gets bored and tries to flee back to his good old wife.

Or will live happily ever after with om ( happily because she trusts him 100% she won't cotton on that he's banging some young thing in his car Grin )

LineRunner · 30/06/2013 23:47

My ExH and his OW thought it was a good idea to split our DCs up. They would have our DS, what with OW having her own little girl the same age (3), and I could 'keep' my daughter (5).

I had forgotten about that till reading this thread. There was so much shit like that that they came up with at the time of their madness.

He dumped her two years later for another woman.

(I shut the door in his face, by the way.)

SoggySummer · 30/06/2013 23:54

I can share an experience. A friend/colleague was the OW for about 6 months with another chap in the office. Both married. Me and the friend worked in a little office just the 2 of us and she used to tell me lots of details and stuff about their affair.

Synopsis:

Left spouses. kept their little secret for a while. moved in together and became the "so in love soppy couple". Gushed publicly all over each other lieing to everyone that that had only recently got together but everyine knew it was bullshit and was sniggering behind their backs. Got engaged 2 years or so down the line. The it went tits up. He was found shagging another woman from our office who when confronted by my friend put up the defence that she wasnt the first and that he had shagged X in the print room as well. More people sniggerd at her and she got really down and had to move out of their luxury dockside apartment into a shitty bedsit on a shit part of town. She left soon after as she became the target for all the gossip and sniggering and cracked on by a few fat old sleazy married bastards who thought they may be in with a chance with her. In short - she gained a reputation. Not saying this is right - but it is what happend.

A simple rule in life is that if you play with fire - you will at some point be burnt. How badly burnt is anyones guess?

Dadthelion · 30/06/2013 23:54

Now I'm going to assume more women don't post about having affairs because of the stick they get.

Or don't women have affairs?

LineRunner · 30/06/2013 23:56

I think woman having affairs is the point of the thread.

AnyFucker · 30/06/2013 23:59

Any woman that colludes with an unscrupulous man in this way will attract my vitriol

He "suggested" to his wife that the children live with him full time ?

I can imagine the way that went down. Nothing to do with any grubby extramarital fluid-sharing.

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