Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

[beingmyself]

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

I know of two examples where both parties were already married when they got together, and have gone on to have happy marriages together (longer than their first marriages, in fact). I don't know what they did that made it work that time round, but I would hazard a good guess that it involved being honest (with each other and others involved) and being prepared to weather some awful storms together (eg children not speaking to their fathers for 15 years).

I don't, as it happens, buy the "once a cheater, always a cheater" rhetoric, as I think that each relationship is different and people are allowed to change as people. Maybe I'm naive.

I feel terribly sorry for his wife and her children. The word 'cruel' has been used about your OM's behaviour towards her, and I agree.

You have got yourself involved with a nasty piece of work and this will not end well.

Tell your H and his W the truth about your affair. They do not deserve to be lied to. They deserve to be told the truth.

burberry - so is it the nice women who have affairs but don't leave spouses and start relationships? I'm genuinely curious cause I don't understand what you're saying.

And my question re: childcare was another genuine one about when a man leaves, what do people think he should do re childcare? It's not about the fact he shouldn't leave as that choice has been made.

I understand what you say about my concern for the kids but I am not solely responsible for their family splitting up. I see my role in it but there are 2 other people who had a major role in what happened in the family (before I came along!)

if you really need me to spell it out for you, I mean decent people, men or women, might get carried away and have an extra-marital affair but would not break up a family over a good shag.

And what you say about childcare, is kind of faux naif and a bit sick making.

As for your last comment, why are you blaming the wife again? You do realise that much of what this man tells you about his relationship is going to be lies, don't you?

burberry - it's not just what he tells me. Other people I know know her. I'm not blaming her, just saying that (at least till her husband had an affair) she was partly responsible for her marriage.

yes well whatever.
if you think you can build a happy family off the back of one you have destroyed, you are deluded.

Nice women, I mean truly nice women would end their relationship if they were not happy in a dignified, sensitive way that puts their childrens well being first.
They wouldn't lie, cheat and generally behave disgustingly. They wouldn't behave in a way that would leave their ex and children destroyed when(notice I said when, not if) it gets found out.
On top of all that, a nice woman would not touch
another womans man with a barge pole

"And my question re: childcare was another genuine one about when a man leaves, what do people think he should do re childcare? It's not about the fact he shouldn't leave as that choice has been made. "

The choice may have been made but the consequences of that choice still have to be lived up to! Only young kids say 'well yeah, I did it but now I want to forget about it'. For me this one question sums up your naive and frankly horrible attitude to your partner's family - because they still are part of his family even though he's buggered off.

He, presumably willingly, had dc with his wife, making his choice, and when he goes off with someone else and leaves her raising them alone it is NOT a 'solution' to suggest taking them off her 50% of the time and you come across as either callous or an idiot (feel free to let me know which it is) if you can't understand why she wouldn't jump at this offer. She's entitled to want to be with her kids as much as possible AND be furious/devastated that he's removed his support in raising those kids. A real solution is for him to work out how he can offer more support, both practically, financially and even emotionally if and when she's ready, however much it interferes with your Disney relationship, and to consistently offer that support no matter how much it inconveniences him or how many times his wife understandably has a go at him. Does that answer your question?

And Im a bit sceptical of those cheats that have apparently sailed off into the sunset with no more issues.

Personally other women (such as the op) seem determined to stuck their heads in the sand, hum la la la and ignore any mans faults in order to 'win'

I suspect that those men do cheat again ( have seen it quite a few times ) but ow dont want to/ seem to know.

Im speakinh as the ow daughter

You and your man are wholly responsible for the reactions of his wife and children. It's so sad for those you've inevitably hurt, along with your man.

burberry - lots of posts on this thread show that families built after affairs can be very happy loving places.

I know it will be incredibly hard. I'm not taking that lightly but I don't think the children are in for a life of misery due to our choices. You are right that I need to be more compassionate to their mother though.

You are entirely responsible for how the wife reacts - you are at least 50 per cent responsible for her reaction. You'll be telling us you and your lover have a spiritual faith next.

You have behjaved dreadfully. End it now and find your own man or can't you do that?

if you feel good building a "happy loving place" on another family's misery then carry on, but no good will come of it in the end, twenty or even thirty years down the line, there will be all kinds of dark stuff, estrangement, mental illness, whatever.
just carry on ok?

its not just what he tells me. Other people I know know her. I'm not blaming her, just saying that (at least till her husband had an affair) she was partly responsible for her marriage.

Oh please, you gossip about the wife before you break the family up and use it as an excuse for the break down of the marriage. We don't know in what context these conversations happened. We have to take your word for it and how can we when we know you are so capable of deceit. You could have lead those conversations and twisted things to suit yourself (as per the psychoanalysing on the EA). Anyway everyone on here knows you are deceitful so how can we trust that what you say is the truth and not events twisted to suit your own needs?

The insults arent so helpful but everyone can have their view so fine...

No one has insulted you. People are just reacting to your disgraceful behaviour in the same way they would any other deceitful lier that breaks a family up and then to top it off tries to blame the wife to gain sympathy.

The facts are:
-You are a cheat and a lier!
-You are a home wrecker and you cant flower that up and make it anything other than what it is!

• You are causing now end of emotional damage to innocent children just to suit your selfish needs!

What did you expect, lots of encouraging moral support? That would make us complicit to your appalling home wrecking behaviour. What you are hearing is exactly what people will be thinking, saying and talking about (behind your back like you have about his wife historically) once your nasty little affair comes out. Because the Ruth always comes out in the end!

You are right though - I am partly responsible for what she is going through and I need to be more mindful of that.

Actually no, you and your boyfriend are totally responsible for the pain and distraction currently happening. His wife, your husband and both sets of children are completely innocent victims of your actions.

AGAIN, stop shifting blame and take full ownership of your behaviour.

As I'm posting this, I see I'm on page 10 out of 15, so apologies for going so far back, but Leavenheath said, "There are threads galore on here over the years from people who have said they would have much preferred the truth, whereas I've yet to see one in 7 years from someone who said 'I'm glad I didn't know'. Even if one popped up now (which would be suspicious ) it would still be unusual."

As someone who was cheated on, I would have very much preferred to not know. Thinking we broke up because of his feelings changing was something I could cope with. Finding out that the years that we spent together were all a sham because as I was next to him in his car, he was texting her how much he loved her, as he would call to tell me good night, she was next to him, absolutely tore me apart. It made it extremely difficult for me to move on, as I couldn't trust any man I was with, nor could I trust myself and my judgement.

It's been almost ten years now, and I still say, I would have preferred to not know.

Your children may not be miserable but when they find out the truth they will lose respect for you, it is inevitable.

My ow mother had a very tough time when we found out as teenagers. She basically lost any moral high ground and was reminded of it constantly.

Your supposed to look up to your mother and something disturbs you deep down when you realise your mum is capable of lies and selfish behaviour.

Have fun in the teenage years. Your kids will lose respect for you so it should be hilarious to see how his kids treat you. Or did you imagine he loves you so much that he will take your side?
Warning, when the guilt kicks in so will his disney dad behaviour and you my dear will be very put out.
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I split with my ex when I realised/found out there was OW
Our 2 kids lost closeness with their father, they get on, but my DD would never confide in him. They hate guts of OW (he split up with her after 2 years together).
My DS didn't want to meet his second gf as well even though he is closer to his dad than his sister.
Siblings of exH hate him for how he treated me. I am on very good terms with them.

I ended up with depression I think had he left and then decided on another relationship I would not have felt bad about being lied to. He would have had much better relationship with his children and siblings.

THis was massive price to pay for what he's done. I don't care what he felt - but he damaged his children and that could have been prevented.

People like the op rarely consider how their actions will REALLY affect the children involved. They seem to conjure up a fantasy where the truth will never be found out, or if it is that it will cause a bit of upset then die down.

They seem to forget that one day those children get older, they develop their own opinions and will be most likely disgusted and disturbed when they discover what kind of people their mums/ dads are.

I could have been the OW....

I was in a relationship with my exP from 16-22.

At 21 I met a man, D, through work. D had an exW, who he had (and has) an excellent relationship with, 2 DC (then 14 and 15), and a DP who he'd been with since shortly after separating from his DW 8 years previously.

After knowing each other as friends for about a year, I had major surgery. My own DP went on holiday the day I was discharged from hospital. D was there every single day. We both developed feelings for each other.

Nothing happened for 3 months. Then he left his DP and told mr he loved me. I had very strong feelings for him too. I left my DP a few weeks later.

We then didn't see each other - deliberately - for 2 months, so we could a. Be on our own and b. Figure out if there was genuine feelings, or just result of stressful situation evoking feelings.

After this time we started 'dating'. I then moved in @ 6 months after our respective relationships broke up. I met his DC after we'd been together properly for @ 9 months.

We've been together 8 years now and have our own DS. I have a great relationship with his DC (not as 'step-mum' at all given relatively small age gap) and great relationship with his ExW, their mum.

Feelings do develop for other people when you're in relationships. We both took our feelings as a sign that things weren't great in our current relationships.

But we didn't have an affair. Or lie. Or cheat.

As adults, surely you have enough self control to not have an affair but to separate, thing through feelings, then start relationship?

I find it a little odd the glee that some posters show at kicking someone else, does it make you feel better about yourselves?

I agree with the very sensible sentiments of dolly and talkative that you are not really facing up to what has happened and what the fall out of your actions will be.

But the idea that no-one who has an affair will ever be happy again or will be atoning friendless forever is just reductive, sorry but it is. Is everyone judged in life solely on one act - so many of these posts say not "you lied and cheated" which is true but "you are a liar and cheat (and will remain so forever ner ner ner)".

People will talk, friends will judge and then everyone outside the situation will move on as frankly their own lives are more interesting and important to them.

If you end a relationship to be with someone else is not easy, it is not good behaviour, it will be extraordinarily hard particularly if there are children involved. And the big repercussions will be on you, your exes and your kids - this is where you should concentrate your attentions.

You need to focus on being more savvy moving forward - I can almost guarantee his ex is not some EA crazy lady hell-bent on ruining your lurve, she is a woman who will be part of your life and family possible for the rest of your days (I assume you view your new relationship as permanent). He may be lying he may not, but I don't think it is wise to blindly trust anyone.

Now that is a perfect example of how a real woman does it!

I find it a little odd the glee that some posters show at kicking someone else, does it make you feel better about yourselves
actually no it is quite 'triggering' but if just one OW takes some notice of what people are rightly saying, it will be worth it.

Op. BasicallySFB is an example of what a decent, good and honourable person would do.

I find it a little odd the glee that some posters show at kicking someone else, does it make you feel better about yourselves

No one is taking any glee in this tragic situation. Just been very frank with a woman that is not taking responsibility for her actions.