Unfaithful husband, separating but struggling mightily with it...

[Feckitanyway]

After repeated episodes of infidelity I decided to separate from husband of 30 years. Despite all the bad stuff, we had repaired over the years and had a deep bond (well his a bit more shallow than mine obviously!). We have three children 6th form and beyond, so it's not a bad time to be doing this - and it's not acrimonious so no nasty stuff going on really.

I've been reading Mumsnet threads for a while now, and been quite shocked at how many people this happens to at this stage in marriage (when you'd think it'd be the home run down to retirement etc). So anyway I realised the rollercoaster of emotions was pretty normal, calm strong crumbling suicidal etc - and that this is a kind of bereavement so have just tried carrying on through it. It's kind of bleak though.

At heart I want my life back but I can't backtrack and then have to go through the affair bombshell all over again. We're a couple of months down the line with the practical stuff - he's moved out though don't think anything is happening with 'her'.

Anyway - all of a sudden I can't cope with it anymore, am freshly devastated, crying morning till night, wanting to simply die - and almost at the point of saying 'come home'. What's going on?? I want my bottle back! He would come home I think - and it's so tempting to make all this pain go away. I've managed up to this point and am so frustrated with myself about my feelings. I know I love him too much, despite his behaviour. My friends and family would be appalled if I backtracked - but am really struggling now.

I am not doing too bad thanks. I havent even had a flirtation, let alone sex!! I have needed all this time to enjoy finding who i am and what i like, although i miss it i am not prepared to get it wrong!! i want towait until its right and i know i wont get myself in that crap situation again!!

cjel- I do so agree that learning who you actually are, again, is a vital part of healing properly.

I did hope that each day was a day further along ITCould but this gets worse, and I look back and see that. Is 4 months not long enough to be able to look back and see progress? I worry that the grieving process resets each time my silly heart hopes that we could try again. I know I'm fooling myself about that (and I try to keep it a secret from myself that I hope that we will) How insane is that?!

Thank you mumngran for words and encouragement. Would delayed grief makes sense for this? Doesn't half hurt. The waves of anxiety can be crippling, then a couple of hours later I can be calm - it's like I don't know what's going to hit me next. Thinking seriously about ADs, had wanted to avoid them but not sure why. Sorry you went through something like this too, I hope life is good for you now. (And it is the future that seems more scary than the present.) Bit curious about your activity list by the way

Very sensible cjel, I wish I was sensible. I've no idea how to meet another chap anyway!

Am going to book a holiday I think, there's a consensus.

Hi Feckit - good to see you back this evening

I will PM a link to the holiday fun exchanges ( if I can work out how to do it! )

Honestly do think AD's might help, but you could just chat it through with the GP if you are unsure. Not much point in trying to avoid them, really, if they will make you feel so much better ....but that's just my spin on it. Every little helps, at this stage I think.

Speaking of stages ....four months in is still really early days! someone told me that it takles a month for every year you were in the relationship ....and have to say that, someone around the 3 year mark I did turn a real corner in terms of how I felt about this strange new life that I had been catapulted into without so much as a 'by your leave'.
That is not to say that you will feel as low as you do right no, for the next three years!! Heaven forbid. Its going to be a rollercoaster, and we all differ in the time it takes to really adjust.

Are you sure that friends and family will not understand that you are struggling now, having stayed strong through the worst of the split? I am sure they may throw their hands up in horror if you suggested re-uniting .....but isn't that what really food friends are for? To keep us on the straight and level when we get a bit wobbly? The best friends don't tell us what we would like to hear ...they tell it the way it is.

Have some this evening .......just to cheer you up. It really is going to get better. Truly

Thank you mum! (wish I had a mum...) Appreciate your thoughts; four months - it seems forever but good to hear you say it's early days, I'll try not to feel such a failure - and hope for better days. I think friends do understand I'm struggling, there would be some hands flying up, but only because they don't want to see it happen again (and they hate him for his unforgivable behaviour!!) but ultimately they would support me.

I'll have a look for your link too. Thanks again

Have I mentioned counselling? I found it was what made me strong and able to cope. I have had years of ads on and off but none since we split and O'm sure it was the counselling that made the difference to me.

Oh ... you are absolutely NOT a failure!!

Finally found the right link so will send it over now.

Hi Feckit
How are things going?

Four months? It took me about 2 years before I could even think about my exH without feeling sick, angry and sad all at the same time. Wasn't every day but I was genuinely shocked at how long the residual hurt dragged on for and how acute it could still be.

After a few months when you appear to be coping fine, friends do tend to think you're over the worst so the initial rush of support dies off a little. Plus you get the feeling everyone's fed up hearing about your woes ... which they probably are.... so you shut up about it. Perfectly normal and that's not to blame anyone, but that's when it's hardest IME. You're on your own.

Best thing my oldest friend said to me at this stage was to switch from 'there there' and 'yes, he's a bastard' to 'so what are you going to do about it?'. Forced me to flip focus from wallowing in the past I couldn't change to making a new future. It was tough but important

You did mention counselling cjel, I thought I had that sorted but think may have to go private (ouch), but ADs also a possibility. It's a bit too much to manage without some kind of 'help' I now realise, I thought I could do it but I can't.

I think I may have been numb in the early weeks itcould. On past occasions I was incapacitated by grief, but this time I seemed a bit more calm and determined - then it's been downhill from there!

Hi Wait Thanks for asking; about the same, but didn't cry till about 5pm today (as opposed to 5am when I wake up and toss and turn!).

Bloody hell 2 years cog. Still that's more confirmation that 1) This is normal and 2) There is light at the end of the tunnel. That's the one and only reason I'm doing this, because I'm hoping it will be better (at some stage) to be on my own than living as a shadow with someone who thinks it's ok to fall in love with other women while he's married to me. Just now it feels quite wrong though

Morning. YY to your points to cog above. There is a place here that offers counselling at a very reasonable rate and their policy is not to turn anyone away on cost reasons. When my situation changed I paid £1 a session!! Might be worth seeing if there is anything like that in your area?x

"Just now it feels quite wrong though"

When you've spent 30 years in one groove, any new groove is going to feel itchy and uncomfortable. I was only with my ex 12 years but he was a big part of my life and vice versa. To go from 'we' to 'I' isn't an overnight task. It does get better once you can heave yourself out of the wallowing stage and into the conscious effort stage. My fear about counselling at the time was that, knowing myself as I do, if I had to keep raking it all up for the benefit of someone else, it would make things worse rather than better

Yes cjel will look into this. I think I'm a bit stuck in a cycle of really negative thoughts, hard to see a way out. I read fuckitybollocks thread, (so admire her, and also reassured that she also has moments of really missing the ex). It's so simple when you're on the outside - it's all angry brothers shouting 'how could you have taken him back before' and 'he's going to pay this time' - but when it's you, and your loved one, not quite ex-loved one, how do you be horrible to them? It's all so utterly crap. Be much easier if they buggered off with their young blonde thing into the sunset instead of hanging around making you feel lovesick and enraged all at the same time. Why do they do it, if they can't carry it through!! Oh well there'll be another blonde along in a minute. At least I don't have that humiliation to face. She says, trying to convince herself...

I think 12 years is not at all deserving of 'only' cog. Even a year or two - enough for you to mould to each other makes is hard to part. Did you avoid counselling to avoid the 'raking up'?

feckit I love your name btw. My counsellor told me to get angry with stbxh. Really angry, for all the hurt he has caused me. I agree, this would be easier if they just ffed off. But do it anyway.
And really, get a private counsellor. For me, it is worth the money as it keeps me on the right track mentally, and gets me out of the negative into something more rational.

Today was good. I have a date. I am officially Moving On. God knows how.

It's weird how the early weeks were rage bigstrong - and it WAS so much easier then. But the pity and love and all those decades of history took over. Re counselling, did have a look at BACP website, wasn't enamoured (for £40 an hour I'd want to be enamoured in advance) but could look elsewhere -suggestions?

Your name's pretty damn good you know. And you have a date/had a date? Impressed! How was that? Even if it was dire, it's a good thing to do. Scary though

I went with a lady from the bacp website for £30 an hour. I wasn't enamoured in advance, but now I love her! It is so worth the money. Apparently if you ask, most counsellors will charge less (just say divorce). My lady charges £30 as standard. And the crap she listens to from me - she earns every penny!

Don't let the pity and love take over (says me - ha!) That's what keeps you in the rut with him, and you are breaking out!

Date next week. Terrified would be an understatement.

wow bsm a date! have butterflies for you I would recommend a person centred counsellor, I wouldn't want a counsellor telling me how to feel!! they should be listening and allowing you your feelings not directing. I would try ringing a few from the website as they really are the best place to start!!

Cjel, actually you've made me think - the counsellor didn't TELL me to be angry, more like she showed me (by discussing my hurt feelings) that being angry is the way forward! And I am telling myself to be angry with him now! I bloody should be too.

so glad to hear that i hate to hear of counsellors 'telling' people what to think and do!
I don't know what happened to me but I just have sadness for mine and anger at her, I know It is supposed to be wrong but it is how i felt even with all the counselling work. inn the end had to decide they were my feelings and as such were valid!!
I have been angry at some of the things he has said and done but never for long as it seemed a waste of time and wouldn't change anything, I have my life to live so less anger i had the better. As I say some have said i'm weird but thats just me

The anti-ds worry me a bit - side effects, and also the fact that you're numbing yourself (in order to function, fair enough) when what you're in is in fact bereavement, which isn't usually something they'd be recommending. Maybe it's the early days of bereavement they wouldn't give you them? Mind you I seemed much better at the beginning than now! I am hating absolutely every minute of every day, and think I've made a terrible mistake. There, said it. Sorry...

don't apologise!! you haven't made a mistake, it was your only option at the moment. its a good idea for you to have time apart so that you can both work out what you want, don't rush it take a breath and as time goes on you will know one way or another. You couldn't have lived like you were, he has made no effort to help you live your dream. it is hard but remember we miss a myth - not what we really had

How are you doing Feckit?

Went blank on passwords...

cjel thank you for that, I don't know what I want anymore - none of the options seem possible, but time apart, taking a breath at a time - that seems manageable.

I'm a bit lost. How about you bigstrong?

I'm having a great day, after a few days of feeling hopeless and 'lost' too. Today it feels like things are going to be ok in the new and uncertain future.

It's horribly lonely at night. Have taken to hugging a pillow in bed, which is ridiculous! Makes it easier to sleep though...

Have you got yourself a counsellor sorted? Fwiw, I don't know you, but from what you've said here it doesn't sound like you've made a terrible mistake, just a very difficult decision.