Unfaithful husband, separating but struggling mightily with it...

[Feckitanyway]

After repeated episodes of infidelity I decided to separate from husband of 30 years. Despite all the bad stuff, we had repaired over the years and had a deep bond (well his a bit more shallow than mine obviously!). We have three children 6th form and beyond, so it's not a bad time to be doing this - and it's not acrimonious so no nasty stuff going on really.

I've been reading Mumsnet threads for a while now, and been quite shocked at how many people this happens to at this stage in marriage (when you'd think it'd be the home run down to retirement etc). So anyway I realised the rollercoaster of emotions was pretty normal, calm strong crumbling suicidal etc - and that this is a kind of bereavement so have just tried carrying on through it. It's kind of bleak though.

At heart I want my life back but I can't backtrack and then have to go through the affair bombshell all over again. We're a couple of months down the line with the practical stuff - he's moved out though don't think anything is happening with 'her'.

Anyway - all of a sudden I can't cope with it anymore, am freshly devastated, crying morning till night, wanting to simply die - and almost at the point of saying 'come home'. What's going on?? I want my bottle back! He would come home I think - and it's so tempting to make all this pain go away. I've managed up to this point and am so frustrated with myself about my feelings. I know I love him too much, despite his behaviour. My friends and family would be appalled if I backtracked - but am really struggling now.

I think as it happens you will find being without him is getting easier and easier, I didn't find anything on the list that appealed to me sorry!! but love the idea of being able to do 'pampering' things that are just fun giving and for no other reason!!!

I am finding that the time of no contact was good for me to learn who I am, but have seen him 3 times this last month for the first time in a year and he seems to have calmed down and wasn't stroppy so that was good!

I have learned to be happy with my aloneness and so don't have a feeling of lonliness.
Its early days for you and better if you try not to think about too far ahead.

Ah I understand the bag thing! I have a lovely radley sort of hessian and pink leather, the leather is so soft I love carrying the handle. As you say just big enough for me. No wallets, car keys, mans sunglasses, etc!! I get it now!!

I think you're right itcould, about not doing best thinking at 4am - it just seems to hit with a rawness, and then again an hour later and so on until by the time I have to get up I feel like I've been pummelled, a really ragged and crap way to start the day. Isn't it always 4 in the morning when that pain you have is a heart attack, or cancer? Darkest time in more ways than one. I'm trying to say 'stop it' out loud so when I wake up I won't let myself start going over it all - and think about something good to do the minute I get up. Not quite ready to relish the space and lack of smells - and that goes for a lot of the home stuff - it's still his home, and I need to work on that to make it mine. It's just all so heartbreaking...

How long have you been alone cjel? I do know there are a lot of plusses about being on your own, I am generally ok with my own company (can go off and do days out alone) but the loss I'm feeling is preventing me appreciating any of the positive angles of this (to be expected obviously).

Part of me still can't believe we're not going to potter on to our 60s and beyond together - and our whole (extended) family is in pieces. I think that's why my brain was looking for a get-out - wondering if there was an alternative to dismantling 30 years of life together and permanently splitting finally and in every way. Friends think I should do this so that I will start to get over it quicker. The idea of it makes me panic. Even though I don't want him here with me now - the idea of filling in divorce papers is very upsetting. I'm not weakening though - please don't think that, just still struggling, as the thread title says

"Why do I feel this way about someone who's hurt me so badly (so often!)."

Because you've spent a long, long time rationalising his behaviour and, for whatever reason, tolerating it and acclimatising to it. (For the children?) Now that you've decided it's finally over I would suggest that a big part of the regret and grief you're feeling is for the time you wasted and the compromises you made. With the children at an age where they are heading off making their own lives, your sacrifice (if that's what it was) was mostly for nothing. That's going to hurt.

I'm about 18months ahead of you. I haven't filed for divorce. we did a settlment agreement but he hasn't signed that yet. I let it wash over me. I have settlement , am not tied to him in any way legally, I'm moving on. If he wants divorce he can pay!!!
I still grieve for all the dreams and hopes i had for our life together, like you say the whole family misses him, but he made his choices when he took ow out and he has to live with them. It is very hard, 1st Christmas, birthdays bbq etc etc. Even today I drove somewhere and a happy memory jumped out at me,
I think we don't find it hard for the horrible person to go but because they could be lovely as well. We wouldn't have done 30 years if they were monsters al the time.
I found i sometimes had a thousand different views on it all jumping around, but the peace i have now even though i live alone is priceless.

The regret I'm feeling cog is that I'm alone, I miss him, and I love him, mad as it sounds. Yes I regret the past too, the wasted effort and grief, that I didn't end it sooner. I'm probably not strong enough for this, it feels worse every day, and I'm getting close to throwing the towel in. Just so tired of fighting through every day.

I hope I can hang in there cjel to get past the 1000 different views (it's so tiring!) - and find the peace you have.

Thanks again for suggestions. And itcould that was a weird post - but made sense when I went back and put the missing 'peas' in. I'm not brave enough for half of the things you suggest.

There seem to be so many people in my position on here, it's very sad really. People are such utter shits. What's it all about, you have everything but decide it's not enough? I've noticed how easy it is to write a mumsnet message telling people to LTB etc, and I get it I do - but so easy to say, so hard to do, when your whole life feels embedded in the Mr and Mrs.

How you doing bigstrong? You got to five months down the line last time, what made you 'cave in' as you put it? Has it made you more determined this time?

Understand. But you have to change your focus. By dwelling on feelings of being alone, missing and loving etc. you are trapping yourself in the nostalgia of a past that never existed, feeling worse and therefore vulnerable to signing up for more of the same, just because it's a quick fix. 'Better the devil you know' and all that. It took strength to end it in the first place and now you need the courage of your convictions to keep your distance and - much more importantly - start shaping your new, independent, better future. Do you have friends IRL that can keep you occupied?

You don't have to fight, just focus on you and your new life, take care of yourself and make sure you eat and sleep well. plan things for each day so you have a reason to get up, it is a case of ploughing through the bad but the doubts and love you have for him are normal. I still love mine to bits, but doesn't mean that i have to have that daily misery of being spoken to like rubbish. You will be hoping that he will turn into the man you married but he won't. \that man is gone and you were left with a man who wasn't kind to you.I know you don't think it now but it is a very short time you will have these horrid feelings. You have made the right choice and will be happier when you have rediscovered who you are. if you get back together you will need to know what you want to ensure you are not miserable.
Can you plan to be the woman you want, then you will be happy whether with him or not?

You are right cog in what you say, quick fix very tempting to end the current pain, but know would be signing up for another sort later on. I have supportive friends and have been almost too busy carving out a new life, but feel very much like a robot trying to do the right thing but it all feels rather pointless. Very much wallowing in missing/loving nostalgia, and wish I was a stronger person. I think I was at the start of this, but I'm worn down.

cjel last time we reconciled I had good intentions of continuing the independent existence I'd started - but then when you're a couple again a lot of things stop, and I also drifted back to couple idleness (dependence). I don't know if I can be the woman I want with or without him. I just feel too lost in grief to think straight. What's made it more difficult is that the OW is off the scene - I think I was dealing with it much better when it was straightforward and they were on and we were OVER.

itcould It's a paradox, you're right he's not worthy, but a BIG part of me wants him back and so I feel worthless about that. I'm in a downward spiral so it's hard to keep going. No haven't done any buying yet - (the holiday thing is a bit terrifying and final). Thanks for thoughts and strength. Will let you know about the bin liners...

Thanks all x

Of course you're worn down being busy carving out a new life. It's just two words 'new life' but it's an enormous task, very tiring and of course you're fed up battling along alone. Do you ever just stop to take a break and recharge the batteries? Perhaps that's what you need?

Brave the holiday then?

Definitely go for the holiday. Clichee of the day... 'a change is as good as a rest'. Emotional effort takes it out of you as much as, if not more than, physical effort. A decent break can stop things getting to that frantic point where bad decisions start to look like good ones.

Wow this could be written for me. I feel like I'm walking through mud & the grief is unbearable at times.

Be kind to yourself & don't put too much pressure on feeling 'normal'. Take every day as it comes.

Maybe we could start a holiday club....... I need a change of scenery :)))

Its exhausting , thinking all the time isnt it? Building new memories is great. I went away just for the weekend driving further than I had in yearsd because he'd told me i couldn't drive far and spent a lot of it in tears as i watched couples my age holding hands and laughing, but it also helped me to realise that I never had that anyway. it was nice just to be where no one knows your business and see different things. A weekend was enough for me to face because i also needed to stay at home and face my grief.
I've also made the effort to change where i shop, the people i go round with etc so not so many 'us' memories kept jumping out at me.

Its easy for us who are further along to say 'just do this, that or the other' but for me it was tiny tiny steps, forcing myself to go for a 15min walk at tea time before it got dark so i'd been out etc. do what you ffeel you can, if its nothing at the moment do nothing, you will soon get fed up and start to want to do things.

I think definitely brave the holiday!

I'm sort of ok overall, though right now I'm crying in bed, which isn't how I planned to spend my day (dcs with h today).

Last time, it was such a struggle every day, but I knew I had to continue because my h was being a total nightmare, real crazy ex stuff, worse than when we had been together.

Then he suddenly stopped being horrible and turned all charming and helpful, and I stupidly decided he was alright actually and we should get back together to end the pain and the struggle of separating, and for the children's sake. I was on my knees, terrified to make any decisions, could barely continue. So I asked him to try again, we agreed ground rules - he would go for counselling (his dr had already referred him), we would both go to Relate- and he moved back in.

One month in, I found he had been seeing someone else, this was what turned the nice guy act on. He lied about her, I searched his computer, he still lied. Somehow we carried on. I wasn't strong enough to end it again. He didn't go for counselling. We did go to Relate, which helped a bit.

Nearly a year later, after endless problems with him not listening to me and not respecting my feelings, he did something awful. So yes, the experience of separating before has made me more determined to see it through this time. And it has made me wary of acting on my feelings: I still feel I would like him to come back and take over and I feel like I need him to hold me and make things better... but that isn't the reality of him coming back - he would actually hurt me more. As you said, it would be a short term fix leading to more pain.

My counsellor says people tend to forget pain, and that I am really good at blocking out the bad stuff (not a good thing). I need to remember what he did, the despair of living with him, so I don't go back there again.

The way out of the downward spiral, for me, is to realise it isn't my fault, and to look to the future. To realise that I deserve a lovely future as much as anyone else.

Where do you fancy for the holiday?

Whoa steady on itcould! A bigger what?! Ok, maybe I'll try the 'before the school holidays bit'... but that's all! You are kind to mention loyalty, it's very underestimated as a quality - and there's nothing worse than not feeling valued.

Thank you jellycat, sorry you're in the mire too.

cjel the couples thing is really getting me at the moment - just seeing women with wedding rings is enough, bit pathetic really. Just hard to not be part of an us anymore. You seem to be doing so well.

bigstrong what is it about bed and crying? Sorry you were having a bad day, did it get any better?

You're all really kind to post supportive messages; it's surprising how it can help lift you - and it's almost a little bit of sanctuary to have this space to say what you feel, to strangers... (that's strange!)

Anyway here comes another day, feels a bit like a life sentence.

Feckit I am so sorry you are going through this. As you so rightly say, it seems to be so frequent these days that MN ought to have a topic dedicated to it.
Which is beggar all consolation.

I suspect that what has hit you is delayed grief/. We all cope differently and some people stay very strong through the shock stage, coping with the obstabcles and (reined in) hysteria ....and then do just as you are doing, and emotionally collapse a little bit when the resolution seems to be in sight.
You need to be good to yourself for a while. Maybe talk to the GP about some ADs if you haven't already done so. There is no shame or lack of willpower in using some help in this situation. You wouldn't hesitate to take ABs for an infection, and this is no different because it affects mind & emotion rather than another system.

Also, I think there is a stage when we realise that THIS is our future and it just isn't what we planned. Its not how it was supposed to be .....and that takes a lot of coming to terms with. Not only have we lost the present, but to a degree we have lost our future, because nothing will be as we thought it would.
Thats a body blow that always arrives later than the rest of the rubbish. Sometimes I still wake up (8 years down the line now) and think my new life is surreal. Not often, but sometimes.

You have taken a major step in posting here. So wish it had been part of my coping process, as the support is wonderful for so many women who have walked the same path.

Stay strong, and keep talking to us.

P.S................first single holiday was the best thing I could have done.
However wobbly, my suggestion is go for it. There is a thread (hiding somewhere) with suggestions for activities which might make you smile, but as I was a tad 'happy' when I posted it on it, I am absolutely not directing you there