Unfaithful husband, separating but struggling mightily with it...

[Feckitanyway]

After repeated episodes of infidelity I decided to separate from husband of 30 years. Despite all the bad stuff, we had repaired over the years and had a deep bond (well his a bit more shallow than mine obviously!). We have three children 6th form and beyond, so it's not a bad time to be doing this - and it's not acrimonious so no nasty stuff going on really.

I've been reading Mumsnet threads for a while now, and been quite shocked at how many people this happens to at this stage in marriage (when you'd think it'd be the home run down to retirement etc). So anyway I realised the rollercoaster of emotions was pretty normal, calm strong crumbling suicidal etc - and that this is a kind of bereavement so have just tried carrying on through it. It's kind of bleak though.

At heart I want my life back but I can't backtrack and then have to go through the affair bombshell all over again. We're a couple of months down the line with the practical stuff - he's moved out though don't think anything is happening with 'her'.

Anyway - all of a sudden I can't cope with it anymore, am freshly devastated, crying morning till night, wanting to simply die - and almost at the point of saying 'come home'. What's going on?? I want my bottle back! He would come home I think - and it's so tempting to make all this pain go away. I've managed up to this point and am so frustrated with myself about my feelings. I know I love him too much, despite his behaviour. My friends and family would be appalled if I backtracked - but am really struggling now.

Best to be discreet, you never know who might be reading.

If you knew before you got married he was "going to be a handful" as someone once described a similar man to me, maybe it came as no surprise. Was it a whirlwind romance, did he chase you? Don't elaborate if you prefer not to but if he was in the services or working abroad maybe it was something you thought came with the territory, that was common in that sphere. Or perhaps it developed over time, and you felt trapped with children, financially disadvantaged, and hoped he'd repent and stop - but he didn't.

Aside from yourself there's your children. They may be oblivious if he's discreet and you've cried in private. If they have the least inkling about him, what will you say if they ever ask about it? Won't that impact on their future choices? You may just tell them that's not up for discussion. They'd draw their own conclusions anyway. I wonder how he'd phrase it.

If it works for you, sharing him with other women, who are we to say that's wrong? Maybe you came from a family based on the same lines. One inconstant parent, one who loved and endured and tolerated. If you were happy or at least content, maybe that was enough. It doesn't sound as if you were able to sustain that. He couldn't pretend he didn't know it upset you when you snapped.

If you still love him it won't matter what any outsiders tell you. I wish you loved yourself as much.

I think it is the lost future which hurts the most. The plans you had made, knowing where you would be living, knowing what your future looked like. Losing all that is horrific.

My counsellor helps me to see planning a new future is fine, but at the moment to live day to day through the grief until the hope for the new future is stronger. Somehow, that makes it less terrifying. I still have scary moments, where everything seems too much, but overall I feel like things are on the up.

I have to try hard to remember how bad it could be when we were together, how much he hurt me. It is too easy to forget the pain and remember the comforting stuff.

I think it can take a while for our hearts to catch up with our heads. You know in your head you can't stay with him and it wouldn't be good long term to get back together, it's just your heart longing to make it all better.

Regarding the future. If you forget about H's behaviour for a minute and look back and think, well, the 30 years were all right, great life, lots of laughs, nice home, super family - you do know that was down to you, don't you? You're the centre of the family. Why else would he gravitate back, good old Feckit such a star, the heart of the home - I bet you had all that IN SPITE of him, not because he was part of it. He knows it. Came back like a boomerang to bask in your warmth, loyalty, strength.

I bet your family and friends know this too. That's why you won't be alone, whether or not you ever get involved with a man again.

Don't play down your role. Just because one man didn't have the wit to appreciate who he'd married, doesn't mean everyone else is blind to your gifts.

I am very sorry to hear your marriage has ended after so long. You are going through a grieving process which can be long and painful I'm afraid. However, know that you will come through it stronger and that you have done the right thing, as to live with someone you know you can't trust is soul destroying. You said he was unfaithful before but you forgave him, what was different about his last affair...?

Infidelity is a mistake, yes. I do think that if you can try to rebuild your marriage you should. I won't deny that the hurt will still twinge.

Do you want to be grandparents together, retire together?...think very carefully before everything really is gone.

Sleepyhoglet - what on earth?! It wasn't one mistake, it was repeated infidelity! I imagine the op wanted to retire and be grandparents together, just not with an unfaithful, untrustworthy twunt.

Op, hope you are ok x

Sorry, don't know why I didn't see the word repeated!

So anxious at the moment, each day dawns with such a miserable feeling, and that seems to set the tone for the day. Any suggestions for a positive wake-up?

ITCouldBeWorse Holiday in the sun, good plan, where do you suggest? (not a fan of big resorts but like the idea of the sea)

Donkeys
'Best to be discreet, you never know who might be reading'
Have I been indiscreet? To answer your questions:
No hint of handful, all pretty ordinary. Definitely the hoping he'd repent and stop (think he hoped that too, but no willpower at all!). Children are up to speed on things. Nope to sharing. And you are spot on about not loving myself enough (do we ever?)
(And 'wow' to your post later at 16.35... do you know me, or is it just that this whole f*ing situation is such a cliché?)

bigstrongmama Yes big fear of the future, (feeling too old and ugly) ? and the head/heart analogy is very apt. Glad things are on the up for you, how far along are you timewise?

Thank you Scarlet. You said he was unfaithful before but you forgave him, what was different about his last affair...? Nothing especially different, it seemed like this had to be the last time because I didn't ever want to experience the bombshell again (and the soul destroying years preceding the bombshell to be honest, because it's always there in the background)

It's ok Sleepyhoglet, I think it's worth trying to repair after an affair too, if you both think it's worth it. Just not over and over

Glad you came back! For me, this time it is three weeks since he did the relationship-ending-Bad-Thing, 2.5 weeks living on my own with the dcs. Last time I made it about 5 months, maybe 5.5 alone, before I caved in, so being alone doesn't feel so much like new territory.

For a positive wake up, have something to look forward to, anything, even if part of you (sometimes a bloody massive part) is saying it's all shit. Look forward to the thing anyway if you can. Remember the bad times, the despair. Remember this isn't your fault. And old and ugly? Bollocks to that! Bet that's not what your kids think. People who have repeated affairs do so even if they are married to a supermodel, it is a compulsion.

Three weeks, it must be so raw still. (I think I was still in shock the first few weeks, didn't quite hit me like it is now). And are you sure this time? (you sound sure). And having 5 months under your belt from last time - I guess that gives you confidence to carry on? Good on you anyway, I hope some of your resolve rubs off on me
x

My dh of 30 yrs took someone else out a couple of times, didn't want to lose me etc,but was going to make his mind up and choose between us?! I rented house, moved out. ended. Had tears, broken heart , devastation could believe after the crap we had endured together he could do that to me.I had had breakdowns and depression because of his behaviour over the years but have just walked away. I sold house sorted settlement etc,etc. I cried buckets had awful times but have laughed more in the last two years than i can ever remember. Came home tonight from friends, there were now 7 of us and I know that him and ow had been there before the bbq because they didn't know about it. I have bought and renovated my new house finding tradesmen all on my own. I have changed church, run a toddler group and have made new friends . I am two years on but still cried when I got home tonight because there was a gap in my life where he should have been.I can't believe he has done this to us but also know i couldn't live with the lack of trust.

I am happier and more content than I have been since i was a teenager. Life really is good and I am much more capable than i thought. Buying houses and doing them up and paying bills and budgeting isn't as hard as I was led to believe.

That's brilliant cjel - you sound like you've more than recovered, and importantly, made the right choice. A cry now and then because you still feel the gap has to be preferable to the nagging doubts and worries of more infidelity (she tells herself...) Sorry you had to go through that though. The unbelievable arrogance of him wanting to choose between you and her!

Yes I think I may have pointed out that it was not his choice to make as he was asking me not to leave in bed the morning i was moving out!!
I bet loads of people will tell you its the best thing they ever did, the pain will lessen, keep busy, look to the future etc etc, but some days i used to just want to wallow!! Also realised that although i thought i was burdening friends as i was 'moaning' to a few different people when I considered it I was only 'using' each one every few weeks so i didn't wear any of them down. I just felt as if i was self obsessed!! I also got fed up with being like that and moved myself on. I think the biggest thing that helped me was that I was having counselling for something else at the time it blew up and it definately was the best thing as at least i had someone to moan at once a week. I carried it on for several months as things evolved.
how you feeling now?

Counselling seems to be the order of the day, will sort this I think. I'm feeling a bit calmer this evening thanks cjel, couple of glasses of wine helped. Now to prepare for the morning. Thanks for messages everyone, really appreciate all your wisdom

Still raw, but not as bad as I expected. Last time was horrific. The experience definitely helps. Very sure it is the right decision. Need to hold on to that thought, I'm moving on this time!
Whenever I think of what I have lost, I remind myself of the repeated pain he caused me and would have continued to cause - I've lost that too, and that is a huge relief.

Yep, hooray for counselling. And wine :) hope you wake up feeling good xx

No you weren't indiscreet just a precaution Feckitanyway - you are debating what to do at an important crossroads so may not want pressure from anyone you know in rl who - improbable as it may seem - might stumble across this.

Apart from MN do you ever write down your thoughts? It could help you clarify things. Or print this as a diary; use key phrases from encouragement by posters like cjel and bigstrongmama.

Something like a break with your friend sounds an excellent idea.
I would go to the Italian lakes

how you feeling?

Have been away visiting family, it was good to have a change of scene. I'm about 5 out of 10 thanks cjel, not so many tears today but knot of anxiety plaguing me. The conflict between wanting my life back and wanting to be free of the shock of infidelity is churning me up so much. I know it can't go back to what it was (and even that wasn't fantastic but it was bearable, and safe) - but being on my own is tough. I'm such a wimp. Really want to take inspiration from you marvellous women. Must book a holiday too (with a friend itcould, thanks for your suggestions)
Yes I keep a journal bigstrong, not sure how it helps but it seems to sort my thoughts out sometimes when they're all in a muddle. Then I read through it over and over to remind myself what I've been put through.
Keep going bigstrongmama

I'm still going! It's bloody hard today though. Would dearly like someone to come and take over. Am reminding myself that h would only have made everything worse today. But he would have been here :( Being on your own when you aren't used to it is tough. Better than living with an ARSE though. At least there is dignity and integrity here.
Um, ITcouldbeworse, love your instructions, but what does a 'not a mum' handbag look like?! Genuine question, I need one :)

That's a fine list of suggestions itcould, thanks! And bigstrong - I don't know how many times I've wished so badly that this was a dream (nightmare obviously). Being on your own when you don't want to be - having to be strong when you're at your weakest - very tough indeed. How are you today? I find the waking up in the small hours thinking my life is over quite hard, not a great start to the day.

'Better than living with an ARSE', nicely put. However... is there another way forward? Can you still have a relationship with the ARSE but not actually live with them? Anyone tried alternatives to the split/stay options? Yes it's hard to give someone up after so long, just pondering if there's a less hellish option.

Seriously, sleeping pills or piriton temporarily to stop the early hours waking thing. And counselling so you can see your life really isn't over, even if it feels like it. Have you got an appointment yet?

I'm ok today. Yesterday was so dreadful, but I'm back on track again.
I remember thinking last time that there could be a third way, a living-apart couple way. For me though, it could never work because he would want to move back in, and he would just pressurise me into having him back, and I would cave in very quickly. Could it work for you? Surely he would still be unfaithful?

Maybe it is the illusion of support which we want back. My h was not supportive at all, not on my side, but I still wish he could be. When everything goes wrong and it is terrifying, I want him back. It's ridiculous.

Maybe it is a stage to go through, looking for another way forward?