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Original poster

bad language in front of baby

82 replies

chocklit · 01/06/2006 16:49

Am i being unrealistic? i had a baby 5 weekds ago and dh and i have had a few angry words during this time. However what really upset me a few weeks ago is when he swore in front of baby ( inknow she won't understand now, but it wont be long before she will). Dh said he wouldn't do it again and surprise, surprise, he got angry today and did it again. I really hate bad language and don't want dd hearing it from her dad. opinions please

OP posts:
Twiglett · 01/06/2006 16:50

I'd be more concerned at tones of voices than actual language at this stage

so the angry voices have to go .. learn to tell each other to fuck off in sweet and happy voices

then learn to stop swearing

YellowFeathers · 01/06/2006 16:51

Agree with Twig.

FioFio · 01/06/2006 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

geekgrrl · 01/06/2006 16:54

I wouldn't find this something to get upset about at this stage - enjoy the freedom to swear whilst you still can.Grin

However ... if dh knows it upsets you it would be considerate of him not to do it. But then again maybe that's expecting too much - my dh does things during arguments that upset me (slamming doors, very loud and scary shouting) and he still continues to do so.

Maybe your dh doesn't think it's a problem now but will stop swearing in front of the baby when she starts talking.

YellowFeathers · 01/06/2006 16:59

Dh and I said we wouldn't swear infront of dd but we have done on occasions.
When she repeated us one day, and this was when she was about 2 and a bit, we were both totally horrified but had only ourselves to blame so its stopped from there on and if dd hears anyone swear now she tells them it's naughty Grin

Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 17:03

I've tried to tell him about angry voices in front of baby but it doesn't stop him. he just says i made him annoyed. We had babd rows sometimes before baby was born but i've made an effort now to walk away before i use "angry tones" as i don't want baby to hear. He doesn't seem able to stop what he's saying

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Tortington · 01/06/2006 17:10

i dont think its anything to be worried about.

Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 17:13

I'm really worried that if he can't control his language infront a defenceless little baby, how's he going to cope if face with a babdly behaved child or stroppy teenager

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bourneville · 01/06/2006 17:14

It's really tough this one. I am a single mum with a boyf. It is really hard to have serious conversations when dd is around (and she's 2.9 so she understands everything) esp if he is disappearing off before her bedtime. Both of us hate to leave discussions unfinished but I have told him that it is an absolute rule not to argue in front of her. If we do have to have a discussion we have one in the calmest possible way and in as coded a way as possible. (Luckily we're not shouty sweary people anyway.) I know dd would pick up on that too so tbh i usually go cold on him and try and change the subject if it looks as if an argument might be cropping up. A sort of "Yes dear!" Blush sometimes comes out of my mouth!

And actually i do want to add that in spite of what i've just said, it is also good for children to witness conflict and v important that they witness the resolution & kiss & make up too i reckon. Otherwise how would they learn that it is ok to get angry & ok to disagree & a good thing to say sorry etc? of course as long as neither of you are being abusive or threatening!
I suppose our discussions usually revolve around our relationship & dd, stuff that i wouldn't want her to hear so that's why we avoid them in front of her.

bourneville · 01/06/2006 17:16

chocklit, x posts -hopefully you'll find that these few months were the toughest ever. i know that i find it easier now coping with dd & my temper (with her i mean) now she's a toddler because i follow specific techniques to deal with her behaviour (Time Out, simple ignoring etc etc) so i find i am able to keep calm. Hopefully it will be the same for your DH. Not promising anything though, i do have a comparatively chilled out dd! :)

Both of you will be going through a tough time adjusting to parenthood (i'm assuming this is your first child as you haven't mentioned another?) so go easy on yourselves. x

Tortington · 01/06/2006 17:24

i'm sorry its ot the language used but tone of voice - even when they are old enough to know that "fuck" is a naughty word. good parenting will instill that becuase dad says it doesn't mean you can.

do as I SAY not as I DO thats what i say in my house when i walk in from work and say " fuckinell looks like a bombs hit it"

the shouting and the temper are far more damaging than the actual language used. imo

Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 17:33

It's the fact that he can't control what he says - regarless of upsetting and baby that really hurts. I told him how upset i was that first time he did it and he said he didn't like that he'd used horrible language and wouldn't make sure it would happen. But he's lied as he has done it again and so can't have been that shocked with himself the first time. I've thought of talking to him about it again later but i'm sure just say the same again so what's the point

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Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 17:36

he's just come in to say sorry again. But what's the point of him being sorry if he'll do it again. he came in with dd so i said i didn't want to talk aabout if in fron of her and we could talk about it later. He said he didn't want to and i should just accept the apology and walked off

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Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 18:05

Feel so let down and scared about the future. he seems to think doing some of the feed and changing nappies amounts to being a good dad - he doesn't seem to realise dd will pick up on his behaviour. I now often feel much more relaxed when i'm not with dh - feeling like this is worrying me as i used to look forward to spending time with him

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FillyjonktheSnibbet · 01/06/2006 18:08

is it just swearing? or is it other behaviour thats worrying you?

Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 18:17

there is other stuff but it will probably all sound trivial. The main thing is knowing he can't control his temper - it was worrying emough before we had dd but i really thought ( and he assured me it was true) that it wouldn't happen infront of dd. He alos throws things that i've said/done back at me when we argue and it he says anything to upset me, he says it's because I made him say it becuase of my behaviour. I don't feel that he likes me very much. I lso have a scret suspicion he is attracted to mey sister - as when he speaks to her, he smiles and seems to pay her his full attention whereas when i speak to him he often switches off after a short while

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Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 18:18

We all took some photos at the weekend and in the ones that my sister took with him in them, he's smiling alot, whereas not so much in the ones i took . i mentioned this to him and he said he wasn't aware of it - well he would say that

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bourneville · 01/06/2006 18:21

I hope other ppl come on here saying they felt the same way or still do and that it's normal (i mean to feel more relaxed when dh isn't there). I'm a single mum, but i always think that it must be harder to be a parent when you're a couple - for this sort of reason. I have a boyf but of course i always have the last word when it comes to dd. Grin It would have been soooo much harder if we had been a couple parenting dd together. And i too worry about what the future holds for us if we ever have our own child.

If i am wrong, perhaps there are issues in your relationship that need discussing. Make sure he does sit down and talk properly about it, when baby is asleep. It's not a good sign that you don't feel relaxed, esp if it's his temper you're worried about. but i will say again, it is very early days after your baby's birth and you are maybe still both reeling from the shock of it all.

bourneville · 01/06/2006 18:23

oh dear, x posts chocklit, i am now rather concerned for you. :( He sounds rather controlling, blaming you for his own behaviour, please don't believe him when he says that.

FillyjonktheSnibbet · 01/06/2006 18:26

that is not so good Sad.

I have a temper and I completely lose it, always with dh. I recognise that this is not ideal. I recognise that I need to work on it. The trigger for me is low blood sugar-it has all been since being pg/bf, which I have been doing continously now for 3 1/2 years Shock . Before I was pretty even tempered.

I mean by this that I shout and slam doors, that might not sound like much but I feel I'm not showing my kids a good example. But it is temper, I see a red rage. With me, I eat and its fine. (we have huge blazing rows that end when dh makes me a sandwich)

Whats he like the rest of the time. Do you think he honestly sees a problem, or is he pacifying you?

Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 18:28

He's just been in again to say sorry & he'll never swear in fron of dd again. But i just said to him "you said that a few weeks ago" and he's gone off again

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Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 18:28

Just don't know what to do

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Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 18:32

I think in theory he knows his behaviour is wrong but when he gets angry, his little control over what he says. yes , he probably is saying sorry etc to get the argument over with

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FillyjonktheSnibbet · 01/06/2006 18:38

does he say sorry during or after the argument?

can you talk to him when he's calm?

(take it its not going to be solved by a sandwich? Seriously, he's not desperately exhausted/hungry/stressed/etc?)

monkeytrousers · 01/06/2006 18:38

I think your hormones are playing tricks on you. Yes, it's not perfect and he needs to get his temper sorted. But it sounds like you're thinking very negatively about the whole relationship at the mo. I got the wobbles about my relationship a few weeks/months after DS was born, even seriously talked about leaving. This really is going to be a testing time for you both. The first 6 months are a blurr to me now but we got through it. My advice is to try and relax about it, your both under a lot of pressure. And the sister thing just sounds like you looking for signs of abandonment - perfectly natural too but and once you realise you can try to keep them under control. Women ARE very vulnerable just after having a baby and worrying about your relationship is part of that, IMHO.

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