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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

bad language in front of baby

82 replies

chocklit · 01/06/2006 16:49

Am i being unrealistic? i had a baby 5 weekds ago and dh and i have had a few angry words during this time. However what really upset me a few weeks ago is when he swore in front of baby ( inknow she won't understand now, but it wont be long before she will). Dh said he wouldn't do it again and surprise, surprise, he got angry today and did it again. I really hate bad language and don't want dd hearing it from her dad. opinions please

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FillyjonktheSnibbet · 01/06/2006 19:52

yeah, agree, tis hv time.

It does sound like basically, his behaviour is not acceptable to you and wasn't before the birth, but maybe you're also a bit depressed? For whatever reason.

And if you're not, think you should rule it out (as far as pnd can be ruled out, which is not really).

Or just keep posting.

miniminx · 01/06/2006 19:58

I think Mrs badger has it here.

To be honest, it sounds to me as if you are over-reacting maybe because you are over-anxious, Chocklit.

Parents are people too and like everyone else, we still have arguments with our partners and lots of us swear.

Obviously we try not to argue horribly in front of our children, but some level of disagreement is part of normal life and is unlikely to be particularly damaging. At 5 weeks old, your child is unlikely to even notice, I'd have thought.

As to the swearing, I'm with whoever said, "enjoy it while it lasts", although I'm clearly a bit slack.

DH and I made a concerted effort to stop swearing when out first boy, aged two dropped something and said "oh bollox". Obviously a bit late.

Do you feel very anxious in general since your baby was born?, or maybe you just have quite high standards about such things.

chocklit · 01/06/2006 21:03

Maybe i am over reacting but i feel very strongly about not shouting in front of children. Not saying they should never be exposed to disagreements as because as was pointed out earlier, it helps them see that they're a part of life and good for them to see resolution too. Maybe partly i hate the shouting because my father used to shout at my mother alot in from of me & at me, and it used to frightem me. have explained this to dh, but it makes not difference. I can see this bad feeling lasting for a long time - am exhausted and nee to sleep but know i won' be able to

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chocklit · 01/06/2006 21:18

Just been to try to talk to him and he can't be sure he wont shout/swear in from of dd again. Think we'll be in separate rooms for a while now. Wish this was happy time just feel so awful and let down

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FillyjonktheSnibbet · 01/06/2006 21:20

think you need sleep, if at all possible. make that an absolute priority and reassess then. If you still feel like this once you've had sleep, think about talking to your hv. Or better still someone who knows you both + will be honest.but you need sleep.

chocklit · 01/06/2006 22:39

Sleep would be great but no chance of that when i feel like this - and he knows that

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FillyjonktheSnibbet · 02/06/2006 08:26

ok, in that case think you should try your hv. let her assess whether you are depressed or not.

my hv never once after either birth assessed me for pnd. it consisted of "are you coping", "well I'm finding it a bit hard, if I'm honest, and its getting on top of me at times", "oh well it is a bit hard with 2 under 2.". The End. Push for an assessment if need be, using one of their diagnositic test (is there not a new, better one out now?).

monkeytrousers · 02/06/2006 12:24

Okay, sorry in advance for the long post. I think you are falling into early PND, but I’m not a professional so you need to get it checked out. Just a few things you’ve said up above that ring bells.

My DP is fabulous, but like anyone, he gets petrified when I talk about depression as it means he will effectively become my carer – when I’m depressed I expect him to support me, to understand, to walk on eggshells, I think that’s the least he can do – sorry but bollocks! I don’t thinks it’s an easy thing to say, especially as when your in it you can’t see, but depressed people are very difficult to be around. They suck every ounce of good will out of EVERY situation and only focus on the negative – not forgetting the endless self absorption. When you look at it like that, you begin to see why the people closet to you – the ones who get the full brunt of this – get a bit jumpy at the thought of it returning. One of the main things I would do is expect my DP to support me, well this is just not on really because the demands of a depressive are never ending and one positive turn just leads to wanting more – it’s an endless cycle, like a black hole and it’s unfair to expect anyone to do this. YOU need to take responsibility for your mental health. Get tp the GP’s talk, get counselling or anti-depressants – I’m on these at the mom for PND and they have been miraculous. If your fudging because of the stigma, get over it. PND or any depression, like Badger said is VERY insidious and it DESTROY’S families.

About him shouting only likely to male you depressed, I’d get this out of your head as soon as poss – you can’t blame him for what is happening, you have just had a baby and are all over the place emotionally. Don’t feel bad about that but also please don’t blame him either. Have you thought the stress that he may be feeling at you becoming depressed might be making him a bit fragile too? He loves you but he isn’t a doctor.

We’ll be here to support you in your hubby’s stead – we’ve been there, we know aht it’s like, he hasn’t. Him not being able to help you with this does NOT mean he doesn’t love you or doesn’t care. He’s only human, that’s all. I’m of the tough love school when it comes to getting though depression, that’s though LOVE BTW, not just ‘tough it out’ but believe me I know from experience that indulging it and going the endless softly softly approach does nothing in the long run. I’ve been where you are and come out the other end – we can help but it’s up to you about how pro-active you are in this.

monkeytrousers · 02/06/2006 12:28

Why do you feel 'let down'? Could you say to him that you can be sure not to get depressed again? You can't - he can't say the same to you about shouting. The shouting is a symptom of stress as your negativity is a symptom of either baby blues or PND. Forget the shouting, go to the cause, fear, stress, anxiety. From his perspective if he's already scared of you getting depression, all he can see is a future of trying to deal with that. He wants to be happy too, you must believe that.

monkeytrousers · 02/06/2006 12:29

And believe me having a depressed mother is far worse than having an occasional shouty dad. Sorry, if this all sound harsh but it is all meant well - this is how I beat it. x

FillyjonktheSnibbet · 02/06/2006 14:50

thats a great post, mt.

And let me also say, I'm 90% sure I had undiagnosed pnd after dd was born, which has only fairly recently lifted (it is absolutely connected to very low blood sugar for me, that might sound ridiculous to some, but not if you've been there-and its hard to eat properly when you have 2 kids under 2!)

Its a vile and insidious thing to experience, and if you don't get it checked you may, as I did, suffer for months, putting a brave face on it, and realise only with hindsight.

Go to your hv. And keep posting if you want.

chocklit · 02/06/2006 16:33

Thanks moneytrousers - what you say does make sense but it's getting all out of hand now. He's been at work and we've been texting and calling all day with how crap it all is and i've told him that if he frightens me by shouting swearing again i will leave him.Want him to be so sorry for frightening me he won't do it again. it a lovely sunny day outside and i'm still in my dressing gown and haven' slept now for 2 nights

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anniemac · 02/06/2006 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monkeytrousers · 02/06/2006 17:33

Oh, Chocklit sweetheart. Is it too late for you to get a triage appointment at your GP's? Or to ring your HV? Please back away from the confrontations now. Swallow your pride, text him and tell him you are sorry and you love him - because you DO, even if you can't see it now. This is such a hard time for you both. For the weekend can you just try telling yourself that what you are feeling isn't a true reflection on how thing are. Try to focus on the baby and him, not yourself. Or at least, whenever you hear that voice in your head, telling you that you just don't like him anymore, that you'd be better off just you and the baby together, that he's lazy and selfish, that he doesn't understand you - tell yourself that it's madness and it isn't true. If you recognize it for what it is you might be able to get a handle on it and get to the doc's on Monday straight away.

How about letting him read this thread too? There are things he will perhaps get angry at but he will be able to understand your POV AND read what we are telling you. And importantly show him that you can both get through it. It might help. What to you think girls? It's crisis time at Choclits house!

monkeytrousers · 02/06/2006 17:35

And maybe get him to read this way up...or down, if you see what I mean..Smile

monkeytrousers · 02/06/2006 18:41

bump

bourneville · 03/06/2006 07:44

mt i could do with some of this advice sometimes myself, and i've never even had PND! Blush
totally with you anniemac about texting, boyf & i agreed a while ago to never text anything serious again!!

Chocklit i really hope you're ok and taking on board what ppl are saying. Try and get some sleep hun,i know it's not the easiest thing to do with a small baby, but sleep deprivation in itself can twist what your brain is telling you.

((((hugs)))))

monkeytrousers · 03/06/2006 07:59

I used to be like this with PMS too Bourneville so my DP used to get it in the neck every month until I took responsibility and did something about it. I know it is sooo hard to see that it's you and not them that might be the biggest problem (as no one is perfect) and is probably the hardest realisation to get over, with the embarrassment and shame at just what this illness inflicts on the people around you. Just like with the AA or something I needed to give myself over to a 'higher power' as they say which in my case was ad's and DP - I needed to understand that he loved me and wanted the same things I did, that he was on my side and he was allowed to criticise me because of that.

I know there's a lot of zero tolerance around for partners speaking bluntly with you but that's exactly what I needed and as my life partner he was the only one to do it.. And because I understood and TRUSTED that he loved me - although sometimes we didn't like each other- I had to take on board what it was that he was saying. Does that make sense. It was about our relationship and our boundaries - not about relationship advice in magazines about how men are supposed to speak to you and vice versa or especially that men are from mars bollocks...does that make sense? Blush

monkeytrousers · 03/06/2006 08:02

"don't underestimate your own ability to be unreasonable at this point." Good advice Annie Smile

bourneville · 03/06/2006 08:07

Yes it does absolutely mt.
I had similar problems in past year or so, seemed PMS related though was odd cos i was on the Pill which i thought was supposed to eliminate PMS (used to suffer quite badly with PMS before dd). I think now it was prob my body adjusting to the Pill.

But, i went through phases of just feeling v tired & depressed & it wasn't till my boyf, in the way you describe, was completely blunt with me about how it was affecting our relationship that i began to get some perspective about it. don't get me wrong, he wasn't perfect and was partly being hypocritical too (he too had been tired/grumpy around the same time although who knows how much that was down to me) but at the time i thought it was all him/circumstances when actually what needed to change was my perspective & my way of dealing with how i was feeling. Also, you say you trusted him - at the time i didn't fully trust boyf or the relationship, so that's a big thing that's changed for me, i realised i had to trust it otherwise i would never be happy.

chocklit · 03/06/2006 15:24

Thanks everyone. Last night got a bit of sleep but woke up feeling awful. Blamed dh for it all. he came to try to make up but i kept rejecting him. The he got angry with me. Went to doc and have now got antidepressants but don't want to take them as now feeling (which is probably wrong) that it dh had been nicer to me i wouldn't need them.Told him this and now angry with eachother again

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chocklit · 03/06/2006 15:49

he got angry again and refused to help me anymore as he says i keep blaming him - can't take anymore

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Rhubarb · 03/06/2006 15:54

fwiw I think you have pnd too. See your GP. Also it's a lot easier to get angry and swear in front of a little baby because they are so easy to ignore. Toddlers however are different and I should imagine he'll find it harder to get angry in front of a toddler who will react to this. With a baby there is no reaction.

Sit down with your partner, say you are getting upset and point out that it's difficult for you both now that your baby has come, so you both need to support each other. Sort out some rules, say when he starts to shout, you will walk away and will not continue the conversation until he has calmed down. Ask him too what makes him shout, what are his triggers? I tend to shout a lot at dh when I feel that he is not listening or reacting in the right way.

Rhubarb · 03/06/2006 15:56

Right, you have seen your GP. This is not your dh's fault, you have pnd, you need to take those ads. Show him this thread, I think he'll need support too in how to deal with all of this.

chocklit · 03/06/2006 16:18

He's now said he's leaving me

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