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Original poster

bad language in front of baby

82 replies

chocklit · 01/06/2006 16:49

Am i being unrealistic? i had a baby 5 weekds ago and dh and i have had a few angry words during this time. However what really upset me a few weeks ago is when he swore in front of baby ( inknow she won't understand now, but it wont be long before she will). Dh said he wouldn't do it again and surprise, surprise, he got angry today and did it again. I really hate bad language and don't want dd hearing it from her dad. opinions please

OP posts:
monkeytrousers · 01/06/2006 18:39

Try to be friends, in other words, and cut each other a lot of slack Smile

Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 18:41

he's said sorry 3 times now but he said that a few eeks ago and still did the same thing again. I'm starting to wonder why i'm with him as can't think of much i like at the moment ans really do feel so much better when i'm not with him

OP posts:
FillyjonktheSnibbet · 01/06/2006 18:42

You say this was going on before the baby was born? Or is it mainly after?

monkeytrousers · 01/06/2006 18:42

Oh God, you sound just like me - honestly! I was a bit mad after the birth, I think we all are!

FillyjonktheSnibbet · 01/06/2006 18:43

the trouble is mt is right, all these feelings are really normal after you've just had a baby, but that doesn't mean there's nothing else there. And right now, you need lots of support.

monkeytrousers · 01/06/2006 18:50

Smile I agree - but I also think you should try to take a step back and let it go. He's said sorry, three times - what have you got to win by escalating this?

I'd drop it and do something nice for each other. It's easy to become enemies in those first few months, and then it becomes a habit. You both need support and your both principal carers I'm afraid.

monkeytrousers · 01/06/2006 18:50

For each other I mean, not for baby.

bourneville · 01/06/2006 18:55

Yeah i think i would second what they're saying. I spent the 1st 2 months staying with my parents, in rather a haze it has to be said. i can't imagine how i would have coped with a full on relationship, rows & all, during those weeks.

Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 19:01

Probably right monkey trousers , i should let it go but suppose i'm putting off making off to try to make sure he knows how upset i am. if i just accept the apology, he'll think it's ok

OP posts:
Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 19:06

So do i just accept the apology and accept that he'll lose his temper infront of dd again or keep away from him while i decide what i should do. I really just want to know that he won't talk agressively again but i know for sure that he's not capable of that. Really don't feel much except dislike for him at the moment

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 01/06/2006 19:10

In the nicest possible way, you do sound as if you have gone a bit post-baby bonkers Blush

Sorry, thought it better to be honest. I think you are feeling very very sensitive and protective of yourself and the baby (quite rightly), probably very tired, probably hormones a bit haywire. I would not take any of this too seriously unless you still feel the same several months hence.

I hope this doesn't make you feel worse. I think everything is so hard the first few weeks after your baby is born (but lovely too) :)

FrannyandZooey · 01/06/2006 19:11

Oh dear, cross posts. I don't know what to say :( How difficult for you. I'm glad you have thought to post on here, hopefully it will help a bit to discuss it at least.

MrsBadgerAvecUneVoiture · 01/06/2006 19:18

It's hard to diagnose relationship problems on MN, even more so in the post-natal haze, but my first instinct is that he has apologised so the least you can do is be gracious and accept it.
I guess he's finding having a new baby as tough as you are, but his manifests in a poor control on his temper rather than feeling vulnerable, so you're both rubbing each other up the wrong way.

I wouldn't 'keep away' from him as this could make him feel alienated and even crosser - after all, your dd needs him, and he does do hands-on things like feeds and nappies. Maybe involving him more (and I mean sharing the fun stuff, not nagging him to get things done) will help him feel more part of a family, and maybe help him see how much his attitude towards dd counts.

Monkeytrousers is right saying you both need to cut each other some slack - none of us are perfect before we have kids, so it's unreasonable to expect anyone to suddenly morph into a perfect calm smiling parent the minute the sprog pops out.
If having a bit of a temper was always part of his personality, there's no way he'll change overnight, and at least he recognises it upsets you, even if he hasn't got it in check yet.
When everything's calmed down a bit you might be able to talk about how/why he gets angry and how you can work together to fight it.

Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 19:19

I know it probably seems ridiculous but i just don't know what to do. I don't want dd being scared of her daddy and repeating bad language he uses. Feel he has no respect for how i feel or he wouldn't have done it twice. if he'd done it once, then apologised then it never happpend again, it would have been easier to forgive but he clearly doesn't care how i feel or what i think. He used to say he wouldn't shout aggressively at me and apologised for this time after time, now i just accept it happens sometimes, even tho i absolutely hate it. Can't trust that what he says is true

OP posts:
threebob · 01/06/2006 19:21

He'll stop when he hears one back! Unless of course he thinks it's cute.

At the moment I'd be more concerned with the raised voice than the actual words.

Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 19:23

the raised voice concerns me alot - he really can' control it. even when i point out that the has started to shout - he just says he hasn't. When i ask him to stop, he won't

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MrsBadgerAvecUneVoiture · 01/06/2006 19:24

I feel obscurely like I'm taking his side now, but I'd lay odds that he does care how you feel and what you think.
He's not shouting at you on purpose to try and wind you up - he doesn't maliciously think 'I know, I'll go and shout at chocklit now in front of dd, that'll make her feel scared and upset'.
He genuinely isn't completely in control when he does it - and he's always sorry afterwards. He needs help in conquering his temper, not condemnation and cold shouldering.

Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 19:26

How do you help someone who doesn't think they need any help and that what they're doing is completely justified?

OP posts:
FillyjonktheSnibbet · 01/06/2006 19:32

chocklit, this is soooo hard, it might well be just postnatal stuff, god knows i was awful! but what is your gut feeling? has he changed after the birth? Do you have any history of depression or anything? Is there any possibility of pnd? Are a lot of things upsetting you atm?

Its just impossible for us to see where the problem lies, we're not there! Women get weird after babies are birn, but so do men. And it can make aggression and anger worse.

if it were just the bad language i'd say new mum, overprotective, but it seems like you're worried about the anger behind the language.

maybe just come on here, post, and ride it out for a few weeks?

Or talk to your hv/mw?

FillyjonktheSnibbet · 01/06/2006 19:34

Also, I should say, I don't actually see a problem with shouting per se. I think it can be a helpful release mechanism. But I think the same about bad language, tbh.

MrsBadgerAvecUneVoiture · 01/06/2006 19:36

ah, now that's the tricky bit.
He does know he upsets you, because he knows he needs to apologise afterwards, so even if he thinks what he's doing is acceptable (maybe he shouts at work as a management strategy or something), he already knows that you don't think it is.

So if something happens that makes him cross, let him know that he can come and talk to you civilly about it (eg 'Have you seen my work bag anywhere?' rather than shouting 'What have you done with my work bag you stupid bloody woman?') and you'll be civil too and won't cry or nag or get upset.
You do have to keep up your end of the bargain though, and really this is a long term thing to work on rather than an overnight fix.

Don't give up on the relationship yet - as everyone says, the first six months post-baby send everything you ever knew into a complete whirl, so don't make any big decisions till your head's back together!

Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 19:40

No he was just the same before the birth - it just seems worse now. He never gets angry with anyone else apart from me. his anger is normally when he feels i blame him for things or sometimes when i get upset or have a go at him for things he thinks are stupid, not him getting annoyed about things in themselves

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MrsBadgerAvecUneVoiture · 01/06/2006 19:45

aha, nail on head time:

'he was just the same before the birth - it just seems worse now'

everything seems worse now - you're both knackered and have your hands full of new baby.
He's still the same person you married (presumably) because you love him. Don't lose sight of that in the melée of nappies and laundry.

Have a word with your MW/HV as Fillyjonk suggests - PND is a weird and insidious thing.

Original poster
chocklit · 01/06/2006 19:49

We have talked about the possibility of me getting pnd as i've had adpression in the past. dh can't cope when i'm depressed - caused enormous problems in our relationship a few years ago. He sees me talking about pnd as me being negative. i know i'm more likely to get it if he keeps upsetting me. just feel like its all acomplete disaster and i know i won't sleep tonight thinking about it all which won't help as i'm exhausted as was up most of last night with dd.

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bourneville · 01/06/2006 19:51

FWIW my boyf is v defensive too, it is v hard to disagree with him or criticise him or get angry with him because the hackles rise straight away. He never raises his voice though (but has had a temper) - and in fact he's quite often accusing me of raising my voice and I'm sure I'm not.

But like your DH, he is very remorseful afterwards if he has been in the wrong, and to me that's a real saving grace.