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Original poster

New bloke...sex is beginning to creep me out a bit

120 replies

baffledbeyond · 22/06/2013 13:34

Hi

Name changed for this as its a bit tmi.

I've been seeing someone for 2 months now and the sex side of things is bothering me, nothing really weird or fetish however...

He doesn't like women with body hair, that's ok, I don't have any! But every time we have sex he wants to use a vibrator on me, never uses his fingers or god forbid his mouth or even offers and he can't get off with penetrative sex, has to manually do it himself, takes ages as he says hes got desensitised?.

doesn't really like me doing it for him either

He's also constantly wanting anal and I don't

And once when we were DTD he was muttering things, and sort of said I'm raping you

He obviously wasn't but it alarmed me and I suppose I am wondering if he is a big porn user or something

Sex is basically a few thrusts, vibrator comes out, then he wanks himself off?

I'm a bit WTF now, I know it takes time but I don't think that's good n bed

OP posts:
luckypeach · 22/06/2013 16:03

"All the LTB comments are sooo predictable and ultimately unhelpful. You need to have a frank adult discussion with him and tell him that what constitutes your sex life is not what you want. Read the above site to get an understanding and direct him to it. Then tell him what you do expect in the bedroom. A lot of women still think blokes are mind readers and if he is genuinely inexperienced then he won't know what to do."

No-one should have to have a frank discussion with a new partner, two months into the relationship about what constitutes a sex life or not. Even the most inexperienced man (or woman), who considers the feelings and desires of their partner, does not exhibit the behaviour displayed by the OPs new b/f. He sounds selfish and tbh pretty stupid if he thinks this is 'acceptable'.

In order to play out fantasies, deepest, darkest thoughts, whatever, most people let the (sexual) relationship develop first by exploring what the other partner likes/doesn't like, responds to and so on. There is NO excuse for this behaviour other than selfish porn user.

I'm sorry but I don't see genuinely clueless and inexperienced here. Thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish and wholly unattractive behaviour more like.

luckypeach · 22/06/2013 16:07

meant to add so he's not a mind reader? no perhaps not. CAn't see any evidence where he actually LISTENS to what his new g/f is telling him either.

the only adult discussion the OP needs to have with him is that it's over. Even if he does give up porn, he has got a hell of a long way to go - is he worth that? Only the OP knows.

Djangounhinged · 22/06/2013 16:10

Have you dumped him yet OP? Seriously, he has issues around sex and you are not remotely responsible for them. And you're worth far more than what's on offer here!

LeGavrOrf · 22/06/2013 16:16

What expat said, and others.

This is not right. He doesn't look at you as a woman, he wants a repeat of the poor cows he has watched.

The state of hardcore porn and its availability, and yet it's seen as normal.

OP I wouldn't waste any more time on this loser. He sounds horrible. Doesn't matter how kind and sensitive he is in the day, mentioning his rape fantasies during sex at night is a MAJOR red flag.

gettingeasiernow · 22/06/2013 16:20

When he says "desensitised", he means through overuse of porn. It's all consistent with that. He will get worse, you will end up feeling totally isolated during sex, lonely, and it will damage your self esteem. You are best off to get out of it as quickly as possible, he has problems you can't solve and shouldn't have to.

OnyxGhost · 22/06/2013 16:44

No when he says densensitised he means he has been masturbating a lot with a very tight grip which is why he has to finish himself off with his hands .

burberryqueen · 22/06/2013 16:46

and that is why he is so keen to have anal

SlowJinn · 22/06/2013 16:47

I had a very brief relationship with a desensitised bloke - I'm not sure if it was due to too much porn or too much wanking or possibly both. Either way, he was crap in bed and could only finish by his own hand. It made me feel inadequate and insecure. I ended it.

frissonpink · 22/06/2013 16:52

Oh dear god. Get. Rid. Now. What a total loser. Ewwwwww.

Apart from sex, he is loving caring and very sensitive

Er no. He's a total weirdo creep. Seriously GET RID NOW. Dump dump dump.

badinage · 22/06/2013 16:53

Oh of course the rape comment is from porn. Have you seen how much rape porn there is out there?

Honestly, it should come as no surprise that a porn loser is an utterly shit lover. But what's more shocking is that some women think this as good as it gets and that a bloke like this is deserving of oxygen.

OnyxGhost · 22/06/2013 16:53

Desensitisation is easily fixable, personally from what you have written here alone I think it might be best to move on. But obviously in don't know all the details regarding your relationship so I'm not going to outright say LTB.

But you Should atleast tell him if he wants to fix himself or reset as they call it he has to abstain from any masturbating or porn watching for at least 2 months.

urtwistingmymelonman · 22/06/2013 16:58

run.and never look back.
and if he knows where you live, move.
in fact you should emigrate!
on a serious note this is very creepy and i would be a teeny bit scared.

IsThisAGoodIdea · 22/06/2013 17:05

Yes Badinage, I read a study once that claimed, based on the top 50 porn sites, 90% of online porn involves verbal or physical abuse of women.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 22/06/2013 17:17

Apart from sex, he is loving caring and very sensitive

Yes, and Jeremy Forrest was a brilliant teacher of music. And Fred West built a lovely patio.

What I am trying to say is he's your sexual partner - you can't really disassociate THE SEX from the rest of his super-brilliant and totally not weird personality. It's like saying he's a "brilliant father, apart from the way he treats his kids."

DoveDovePigeon · 22/06/2013 17:22

Death grip? What is that please?

burberryqueen · 22/06/2013 17:22

a really grippy wank

mirry2 · 22/06/2013 17:23

And what does LTB mean?

burberryqueen · 22/06/2013 17:26

leave the bastard

lolaflores · 22/06/2013 17:28

I met a bloke once. Had sex twice. The second time he pinned me down on the bed, arms above my head in a very powerful grip and said the following;
"Do you feel vulnerable now?"
WEll guess what happened next folks?
drop kicked that twat into next week. The utter shit.
No discussion, no "lets try and fix you". not going to work

LaurieFairyCake · 22/06/2013 17:34

He is inexperienced.

At being human

Dump.

greenhill · 22/06/2013 17:47

I don't normally comment on 'relationship' threads, but he is not having a relationship with you OP. He is obviously a heavy porn user, that lives in his head, not in the here and now with you. If you are creeped out by him after only a short time it is not going to improve: unless you desensitise to your own sex life.

Get out of this sooner, rather than later. Good luck.

itwillgetbettersoon · 22/06/2013 17:52

Oh OP sex shouldn't be like what you are experiencing. I am older but no man should have to wank for ten mins when in bed with you. Sex should be loving and mutually fulfilling and also FUN. Please leave him he sounds disturbed and you deserve so much better. A relationship shouldn't be like this at all let alone after such a short time.

justgivemeareason · 22/06/2013 17:58

WHY ON EARTH would you have sex more than once with a man like this? I felt sick reading your OP.

SlowJinn · 22/06/2013 17:59

Blokes that have been single for a long time and reliant on porn for sexual relief aren't always a bad deal, I'm pretty sure most can adapt to a normal, loving, sexual relationship - but this guy sounds like he has no intention of adapting. He wants a blow up doll not a woman. Run away.

ohforfoxsake · 22/06/2013 18:05

OP - my first reaction was to think he is a porn user and this has massively distorted what he thinks sex is and should be. Sadly I think it's going to become more and more common thanks to the internet, and it scares me that both our sons and daughters will think that porn sex is normal sex.

If he has redeeming qualities and if you think he's worth it, you could talk to him and maybe he'll be open to you re-educated him into how sex should and could be.

Or you could run to the hills. He could simply be a crap shag.