By the way...I think it was Lundy Bancroft who said that to demonstrate real change in someone who was abusive to their spouse/partner those changes would have to be visibly and demonstrably in place for 2 years post separation.
And here is his check list (sorry it is long)
Assessment of change: Bancroft And Silverman 2002
Assessment of change in an abusive partner and parent should draw on multiple sources of information (not just self-report), and include attention to the following issues at a minimum:
Has he made full disclosure of his history of physical and psychological abuse? A perpetrator must overcome denial and minimization. It is common for abusers to claim to have changed while simultaneously denying most of the history of abuse, and a sceptical view should be taken of such assertions.
Has he recognized that abusive behaviour is unacceptable? We find that some perpetrators who claim to have changed continue to justify their past violent or abusive behavior, usually through blaming the victim, thereby leaving an opening for using such justifications for future abuse. One indication of an abuser who may be making serious progress is his unqualified statements that his behaviour was wrong.
Has he recognized that abusive behaviour is a choice? Some perpetrators may acknowledge that abuse is wrong but make the excuse that they lost control, were intoxicated, or were in emotional distress. Acceptance of full responsibility is indispensable for change.
Does he show empathy for the effects of his actions on his partner and children? As evidence of change, a perpetrator should be able to identify in detail the destructive impact his abuse has had and demonstrate that he feels empathy for his victims , without shifting attention back to his own emotional injuries, grievances, or excuses.
Can he identify what his pattern of controlling behaviours and entitled attitudes has been? In order to change, a perpetrator has to see that his violence grows out of a surrounding context of abusive behaviours and attitudes and be able to name the specific forms of abuse he has relied on and the entitled beliefs that have driven those behaviours.
Has he replaced abuse with respectful behaviours and attitudes? A changing abuser responds respectfully to his (ex-)partner?s grievances, meets his responsibilities, and stops focusing exclusively on his own needs. He develops non-abusive attitudes, including accepting his (ex-)partner?s right to be angry and re-evaluating his distortedly negative view of her as a person. Attitudinal changes are important predictors of behavioural improvement in abusers
Is he willing to make amends in a meaningful way? We have observed that abusers who are making genuine change develop a sense of long-term indebtedness towards their victims. This sense includes feeling responsible to lay their own grievances aside because of the extent of injury that the abuse has caused.
Does he accept the consequences of his actions? Our clients who make substantial progress come to recognize that abusive behaviour rightly carries consequences with it, which may include the woman?s decision to end the relationship or the placement of restrictions on the abuser?s access to his children. On the other hand, continued anger or externalizing of responsibility regarding such consequences tends to portend a return to abusive behaviour.
Please don;t rush back. If he changes you can assess him from a separated position whilst you gain your strength.
you know it takes most people several attempts to leave an abusive relationship and nearly all of believed our partners when they came back crying that they would be different...it is what we want so much....but we still had to go in the end....and pity the poor people still trapped waiting to find the strength/opportunity to get out.