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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

made a plan and getting out, please help me do it!

124 replies

takingalongwalk · 18/06/2013 19:44

I've made a plan to leave emotionally abusive husband. Have somewhere to stay and all the support I could ask for, but I'm terrified! Please could people tell me their success stories to motivate me to go through with this?

OP posts:
oldwomaninashoe · 19/06/2013 12:25

Wishing you strength.
A week after leaving it suddenly came over me that I was free, free, free, and that my life was for living my way. I can't describe to you how good it felt.
You will feel that way too!
Go for it!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/06/2013 14:00

I know you're frightened but you sound incredibly courageous & motivated to me. Very best of luck

hellsbellsmelons · 19/06/2013 14:21

This brought a tear to my eye.
So many of you have been through so much and all come out stronger for it.

You can do the same OP.
Write that note and take that leap.

I wish you every happiness for your future.

Original poster
takingalongwalk · 19/06/2013 17:49

thanks so much for the encouragement, yesterday I was wavering, today he has kicked the baby gate down, thrown a cup of coffee at the wall and broken my laptop charger. I am no longer wavering. I actually think he might be having a nervous breakdown, how can you tell?

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 19/06/2013 17:56

You don't need to be able to tell. Your first priority is to keep/ensure and maintain your own safety, the second is that of DD.

It is highly unlikely he is breaking down...he is much more likely to be experiencing panic as he senses the breaking down of his control of you.

If you are worried about his mental state (eg suicide) then you can report to the police or his GP but it is not your job to look after him at the cost of your own safety. The professionals can help if he lets them but ultimately how he acts, reacts and behaves is his own responsibility not yours. If he is capable of summoning help then it is HIS responsibility to do it.

lucamom · 19/06/2013 17:59

Keep strong, focus on yours and DD's happy (and safe) future. You owe it to both of you to leave and be happy, you don't owe DH anything.
Please don't alert him to your plans.

You can do this. You must do this x

anotherworriedfriend · 19/06/2013 18:18

taking, that is what unstuck my friend - every time, actually. "how will he manage?"

ehm, same as every other grown up...

So pleased for you. Really, truly. Am so pleased.

LondonJax · 19/06/2013 18:22

I left my ex husband after thirteen years of DV (and I had the higher paid job, no kids and a very supportive family and STILL stayed...)

Anyway, after walking away I managed to save enough to buy my own flat and still remember, to this day, laying on my sofa watching a film one August Sunday afternoon with the door to the patio open and the sun pouring in. I suddenly realised that, whilst that was lovely, the thing I really was enjoying was not having to keep an ear out for ex's key in the lock. When I was with him I used to try to judge his mood by the noise, or lack of it, that he made in the house. If he'd have been coming home in a foul mood I wouldn't have dared stay lounging about. That made me realise that I'd made the right move.

A year later I met DH and two years after that I remarried and we had our DS. Life is sooooo different and so much better now...and yes, DH sometimes does come home on a Sunday afternoon when he's been out with DS to find me laying on the sofa watching a film, and guess what he does? Makes me a cuppa and takes DS into the garden or upstairs with him so I can enjoy the rest of it in peace. That's what normal people do rather than the idiot I was married to before and I wouldn't swap back for anything.

Do not waiver but most of all do NOT give him any hints if your plans, stay strong and you can and will have a better life. Because any choices will be yours, not based on someone else's ideas.

Take care

Lweji · 19/06/2013 19:30

If, by any chance, he's having a nervous breakdown, he can have it away from your family.
He's not safe or healthy for you.

The sooner you leave the better for you and your DD.
She loves him, as my DS loves his dad, but even DS realises that it's best if dad is away.

AnyFucker · 19/06/2013 19:40

Go, go, go

He is going to hurt you or your DC very soon.

LondonJax · 19/06/2013 21:03

Oh and I got all the sob story about how 'his world was falling apart, he realised he was wrong' etc.he even threatened suicide. I ignored the lot. My ex is remarried now so his 'breakdown lasted all of ten minutes. It's a control thing, not a breakdown. Let his friends and family pull him through. Sorry to those who have genuinely had a nervous breakdown, but people like your partner and my ex wouldn't know a real breakdown if it fell on their heads and introduced itself.

Hissy · 19/06/2013 22:13

He's NOT having a breakdown!

He is losing his GRIP on you! That's what's happening.

My ex went into a rapid-cycling tail spin and out again in the space on one hour's car journey! He tried every trick in thé book.

Stay focussed.

The more crazy he gets, the more you know you're closer to being free. Seriously!

Original poster
takingalongwalk · 20/06/2013 08:29

He has no family in this country, and because of the way he is, no real friends here either.
But that's not going to stop me as yesterday made me realise he really IS going to hurt us soon.
The plan is in place, I just have a week left. Oh and no way would I tell him.
Thanks for all the support, it helps so much. By the way, how does he know he is losing his grip on me, has my behaviour changed because I know I'm going?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/06/2013 08:51

When you assert yourself, have an escape plan and a bit of hope you walk a little taller and you smile a little more. Possibly too subtle for a casual observer but someone who lives with you will notice... even if they can't quite put their finger on what's changed. That's why abusive partners are particularly dangerous at this stage.

Please promise me you'll be extra vigilant, extra safety-conscious and, if you can bring the 'week left' forward a few days, do it even if it causes you some inconvenience.

Original poster
takingalongwalk · 20/06/2013 09:11

Thanks Cogito, unfortunately can't do it any quicker, but he is going away for a few days before that, which will help. Think what you said about subtle changes is true. Also, I'm not so bothered by the ridiculous behavior as I know I won't have to put up with it for much longer.

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 20/06/2013 09:48

Well done op, but if you can get away sooner- fabricate a family crisis I would do it. Go to someone's for the weekend and stay on? Even a b&b somewhere til he has gone and even then take a friend with you to go back and get your stuff.

Is he going home if he is not from the UK? Make sure the passports for any dc are hidden.

And please- delete the history for this thread. Its very dangerous for you about now and he will sense the change in you.

Hissy · 20/06/2013 11:42

He'll sense a change, but that's ok. Don't let it stop you, just be careful.

The fact that you have to be so careful ADDS to the reason you need to go through with this!

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 20/06/2013 11:56

You should never stay with someone you are scared to leave.

anotherworriedfriend · 20/06/2013 12:34

WhiteBird - that is very succinct.

Will be using that neat wee line with my friend, who's quite unable to extricate herself - yet.

Taking - am internally waving pompoms, chanting "Go, Taking, Go, Taking!" and jumping up and down for you. x

Original poster
takingalongwalk · 20/06/2013 17:56

Yeah, I love that WhiteBird it's so true.
I don't think I've ever felt this scared, my body is tingling with it. Mostly I can't imagine what the initial aftermath will be like and how we'll get past that. When other people left, did DH try to get you back, try to take DCs back? I'm sure mine will.

OP posts:
Original poster
takingalongwalk · 20/06/2013 18:36

Lavenderhoney he doesn't allow me to go anywhere alone so my only chance is while he's out at work. Even a family crisis, he'd come with me.

OP posts:
Hissy · 20/06/2013 18:47

Ok, so why do you have to wait a week? What's not ready now, that will be then?

I worry as this really is the most dangerous of times!

Do you have a bad stashed at a friend's? Could you get an emergency bag together? Everything you'd need for a day or so? Plus PAYG mobile with credit on it? Passports, docs etc?

When is this guy at work? When are you safe?

Jux · 20/06/2013 19:13

Holding your hand and encouraging you, too.

Can you really not bring it forward?

You can do this.

IEM3 · 20/06/2013 19:46

Taking I'm willing you on too. I'm still at planning stage and your thread has given me courage from your courage and the support here. Keep re-reading the positive posts to help you stay strong. Lets get on the other side. Best of luck and hugs to you.

timefliesby · 20/06/2013 20:10

I left end March 2012. The initial sense of freedom was exhilarating. The stressful months that followed as he continued to do everything he could to make my life a misery - not so exhilarating.
Do I regret it. Not one bit.
He told me I'd never make my business work, within a few months I was supporting myself and the kids with a decent part time salary. Just as well, as he has lied about his income to avoid maintaining them, despite being very wealthy.
Materially I lost pretty much everything - our home, our furniture, the kids toys. I have bit by bit replaced most things.
I met someone who is lovely six months after I left. It was unexpected and I have learnt from my mistake. I am taking it very slowly. But I knew something wasn't right with the father of my kids from very early on and likewise, I know this guy is for real.
Being in abusive relationship isn't a pattern for me, I just got unlucky, I thought someone was charming, attentive and the one for me and he turned out to be a con man "a successful sociopath". I spent a lot of time wondering how this could happen to me. But I have come to terms with the fact it happened now.
You go for it. You get one life. I haven't regretted it at all. I am so happy now. I used to wonder what was wrong with me! It took me so long to work out that it was him that was wrong with me!
Good luck. This is the beginning of the rest of your life :-) x