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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

made a plan and getting out, please help me do it!

124 replies

takingalongwalk · 18/06/2013 19:44

I've made a plan to leave emotionally abusive husband. Have somewhere to stay and all the support I could ask for, but I'm terrified! Please could people tell me their success stories to motivate me to go through with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
takingalongwalk · 24/06/2013 20:25

Well I took my husband to the airport this morning and then went to my folks. When I told them what was happening they said the same as many of you have said, and we are going to get my stuff tomorrow and going to my safe place. My dad will meet my husband at the airport when he comes in. Can't imagine how the next few weeks will pan out, but so glad it's happening anyway. Am so grateful for the support around me, I know many of you will have done this with much less support, and I respect you so much for that.

OP posts:
Flobbadobs · 24/06/2013 20:38

Caught up with your thread now, well done! So pleased for you Flowers

foolonthehill · 24/06/2013 20:56

great. Flowers

Jux · 24/06/2013 21:22

Hooray!! Well done!

ModerationInEverything · 24/06/2013 21:34

Well done! Sending lots of happy, supportive thoughts Flowers

Original poster
takingalongwalk · 24/06/2013 21:46

thanks, but I'm feeling SadSadSad

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 24/06/2013 21:52

of course you are. this was not how it was supposed to be...no hearts and flowers, no cosy family life (not said in a derogatory way) this is what we hope for, work for, dream of...that was why you put up with rubbish for so long...you have to grieve the loss of the stuff that you should have had but didn;t...it it right and normal and part of the way back to being OK and yourself again.

cry when you need, scream when it is possible but continue to know that it was right to go and you will be ok....

Lweji · 25/06/2013 02:06

Cheers to a new happy, free life.

charlieallred · 25/06/2013 03:08

Just providing support. I don't know much about this, but I bet you are really strong and totally capable and deserve more!

Lavenderhoney · 25/06/2013 03:27

That's very good news, and at least you space to get everything you want plus paperwork, out so you don't have to go back.

Don't worry about being rural- there will be something in place in sure, village shop, plus supermarkets deliver- ( if you have deleted your old account and password of any supermarket as it would be silly if he could just log in as you and see your new address) on that note, change all your passwords

Have you a joint account? Could you remove half? And open a new account in another bank for yourself?

Your parents sound very nice and will probably be upset you didn't tell them. Its so hard to tell anyone. But they know now, can help you get sorted out and will be happy to help you maintain an independent life - you might meet someone decent.

Why is your dad picking him up? Why can't he get a taxi? Be careful, unless your dad can handle himself your dh might be violent and dangerous especially in a car. Is your dads hoping to have it out with him?
Avoid!

anotherworriedfriend · 25/06/2013 07:02

Wow.

You are amazing.

Wish I had a shiney to give you, you've earned it.

And, yep, I concur - don't let your dad anywhere near him. Public transport was invented exactly for situations like these.

Original poster
takingalongwalk · 25/06/2013 21:36

Thanks for the encouragement, I am now in my safe place, which feels very calm and nice. My parents have been wonderful. Went back to the house today to collect everything that I need. My dad is meeting him the the car key, so won't be getting in the car with him, and is taking a large friend with him!
Don't even know if he knows yet, his brother was going to ring and tell him (I didn't want to speak to him). I was expecting a barrage of texts and phonecalls but have not had any yet. The calm before the storm!
Already have seperare bank account etc.

OP posts:
theboutiquemummy · 25/06/2013 21:43

Nothing to add but blessings prayers and all

BriansBrain · 25/06/2013 21:49

Note your contact numbers and then get rid of your phone, give it to a trusted friend who can log the messages incase you need them in court.

Don't have any more contact with him.

I am in awe of you.

Lavenderhoney · 26/06/2013 03:34

That sounds great, well done. Your parents sound very nice:) and sensible re your dad and his big mate!

Can you get a different phone and number? As you don't want to be dealing with a barrage of calls and texts to start that dance unless you are very strong and able to ignore and delete without reading. block his number.

Also he could track you if your phone is on, and you have location finder or find my phone etc. turn it all off.

How do you plan to deal with him now? Through a solicitor? Make sure they contact you at your parents address and number, and your parents relay the info, don't tell anyone where you are!

Are you filling your time with sorting out the future? And planning to watch the tennis? Because if you aren't busy you may start to waver ESP if the only contact is him - so keep him away and not in your head, and keep as busy as possible. Apologies as you seem to be pretty sorted with your strategy:) wishing you well Flowers

Original poster
takingalongwalk · 26/06/2013 08:09

thanks for the encouragement. I don't intend to speak to him on the phone, but he will be visiting to see DD, in a few days time. My friend will take his phone, keys, and passort before he's allowed to see her.
I don't think he knows yet as no attempts to call me yet.

OP posts:
TheTitleSaysItAllReally · 26/06/2013 10:20

You have been so brave!

I'm nearly a year out and although there are ups and downs, I wouldn't go back for a million pounds.

If you are in a position to, take all the help you can in terms of domestic abuse services - it is invaluable.

Good luck. Stay strong. Soon you will feel less sad and an awful lot happier Smile

sparechange · 26/06/2013 13:44

Taking, I just wanted to say WELL DONE and congratulations for making the move.

You know that feeling of dread in your stomach when you heard him coming home? You'll never, ever have to feel that again
You know that feeling of worthlessness when he picked at something you said or did? You'll never, ever have to feel that again

You are wonderful and brave and about to get a whole lot happier Smile

farmersdaughter · 26/06/2013 13:59

Wow just wow taking you are amazing.

I am wishing you and your DD all the strength and happiness in the world.

X

Cocktailsorcakes · 26/06/2013 16:29

You have been so amazing and strong.

So glad you and DD are both out and safe.

Hope you have some time to just breath & think & rejoice at what you have done.

You're bloody amazing and can do anything!!

IEM3 · 26/06/2013 20:30

Taking - just caught up again. Absolutely thrilled for you and your DD. Well done. I hope you get some rest and time to breathe and relax. You did it! I wish you both a very happy future. Keep posting. Take care.

Lavenderhoney · 27/06/2013 04:28

Well done, so glad you are out and safe- but will you and your dd have someone with you at all times whilst he is there?

He won't be able to sneak back will he, and find you? Is it secure?

foolonthehill · 27/06/2013 19:01

Wine well done. take your time. your new life will be great even if you come across a few bumps in the world

Original poster
takingalongwalk · 30/06/2013 15:46

Thanks for all the messages of congratulations etc. The last few days has been a rollercoaster. DH has been visiting (passport, driving licence and car keys removed before he can see us).
I think this is where you all shout 'noooo' but....I think I am going to give the marriage another try. DH is utterly heartbroken and has accepted complete responsibility. My friend who runs this place and has much experience of these situations believes it may be salvagable, if we ensure that long term support is in place before we go back. It's difficult to explain the situation without outing myself, but our circumstances are unusual and much of the problem may be due to certain factors about our relationship and backgrounds.
If he does everything he has promised I would be very happy, it's just whether old habits will re-emerge over time.
In the meantime I'm staying where I am, if nothing else I need a rest as I was emotionally exhausted when I left.

OP posts:
ponygirlcurtis · 30/06/2013 20:47

taking there is no harm in seeing if he can make the necessary changes, and if he can, fantastic - but the best way to do it is from a distance. If you live with him while he tries to access counselling, etc, he has no incentive to actually change because his life is back to normal. Stay where you are, get a bit of head space a distance, and see if he really means what he says about changing. And keep posting, whatever happens.