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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

made a plan and getting out, please help me do it!

124 replies

takingalongwalk · 18/06/2013 19:44

I've made a plan to leave emotionally abusive husband. Have somewhere to stay and all the support I could ask for, but I'm terrified! Please could people tell me their success stories to motivate me to go through with this?

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 21/06/2013 04:14

That sounds terrible and terrifying way to live, op, you are doing the right thing by leaving and not looking back. Your dc will be happier, safer and so will you. He is not your responsibility to endure.

You could call the police or email them to come to your house. Then whilst they are there leave with them. He won't be able to stop you. Or email family to come and see you and leave with them, again, he won't be able to stop you.

Does he come with you on walks with the dc with the buggy? As you could put things in a big pram bag thing and go? Hide stuff under the pram mattress?

Please be careful op, if he never leaves you alone, he might have second thoughts about travelling next week. Good luck.

anotherworriedfriend · 21/06/2013 10:46

You can get the police to come to protect you as you leave?

That's genius. I did not know that.

Do you need to have evidence that he's a threat? My friend's DH has convictions for violence, but none recently.

I think that if she had the police there she might go through with it - he can't go and kill himself if the police are there, which is pretty much what she's worried about...for reasons which are unclear to me.

Original poster
takingalongwalk · 21/06/2013 13:08

IEM3 and Bounty, I hope we can keep in touch and support eachother.
All the comments and success stories are so encouraging.
For many reasons that would risk outing me, the plan really needs to stay as it is. Yesterday and today he is being relatively nice (he always says really wierd things even if he's being nice). I wish he would start throwing things again, because that gives me a cool, hard feeling that I know I have to do this for both mine and DDs sake.
My only fears are the immediate reaction and making sure he doesn't take DD, and the heartbreak I feel at seperating them. I even feel awful for the pain that will cause DH, as he is a good dad. I know that's really silly considering he's lack of feeling towards me.

OP posts:
Original poster
takingalongwalk · 21/06/2013 13:26

timefliesby I feel the same as you, in that abusive relationships are not a pattern for me. I think the circumstances in which I met my husband hid a lot of the issues. The good thing is, that despite years of trying, he has not yet destroyed my self-esteem. I'm so happy you met someone good after the experience you had. I must say though, I think the nearest I'll get to another relationship is a cat!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/06/2013 13:30

Don't give his 'pain' a second thought. He cares nothing about your feelings and has therefore forfeited your compassion... As for your DD, as parents we have to take decisions for our children that they may not like or appreciate at the time but which we, with the benefit of maturity and experience, know are the right ones. Growing up in a house with a man that despises and abuses their wife is not good grounding for a little girl. It also does not make him a 'good dad'

Original poster
takingalongwalk · 21/06/2013 13:40

Thanks Cogito, just need reassurance that I'm doing the only thing I can do.

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 21/06/2013 14:16

I am assuming that if you are in a hostage situation like op, where you are not allowed out alone and controlled to such an extent, asking the police to come and rescue you would be ok.

Op, how is he planning to manage you when he isn't there? Please be careful. You can register your mobile with the police and just text if its a panic situation and you can't call, always supposing you have a mobile.

If you are scared he will take your dd, hide her passport outside the house, or post it to a friend, and make sure you know his car reg. write it down. And any flight details. Does anyone else know what you are planning? Make sure they call you everyday and you have a word for " come and get me now" like " Disneyland!!" Or carrots for tea!

Make very sure you are logging out of mn and deleting your history.

Hissy · 21/06/2013 14:30

You can't see what the rest of us see, that's ok, neither could we when we were in your shoes.

You will look back on this and kick yourself for not having done it sooner. Your DC will flourish, quickly too. You won't ever regret leaving.

Remember he chose to make your life like this. HE did. He could have treated you better but didn't want to.

In time he'd do the same to your DC, without fail, or else he's love bomb them to undermine YOUR relationship with them, so they'd join in the abuse of you.

There is only one way out of this, and that is for you to leave.

We'll be with you as long as you need us to.

You will be scared, you will wobble, you will second guess.

You need to remain focussed on your future, no matter what he does/says.

When you are out you will have a rush of feelings in thé aftermath. This too is to be expected. We will guide you through that to.

You have to do this, sooner or later.

The sooner you do it, the sooner you will start to heal, the least amount of your life you will waste.

This man will NEVER get any better, only ever worse.

Original poster
takingalongwalk · 21/06/2013 15:49

Lavenderhoney, yes am being very careful with deleting browsing history etc. I am staying with my parent while he is away.
Hissy, thanks so much, I so need this support.

OP posts:
Jux · 21/06/2013 19:10

Can you just stay at your parent's; don't go back until you've got a Court Order to get him out, so you return safely?

Lavenderhoney · 21/06/2013 19:43

On your note, you can write- please contact me through this solicitor xxx. And please report the violence - to your solicitor and not sure who else.

I don't think he is a good dad tbh, he has you in fear of what he might do, and your child can hear, sense and see all the misery and false behaviour.

Good dads don't do that. I think you are very brave to be going and not putting up with it. Your dc will not grow up in a house of misery.

Is your parent a stop gap and do they know your situaution? You aren't returning back to the house are you? Take care, op

Original poster
takingalongwalk · 21/06/2013 20:23

I have someone at the place I will be staying who will act as intermediary, so he will have to go through her to get to me. I have literally NO money, so no idea how I could get a solicitor.

OP posts:
Hissy · 21/06/2013 20:39

If you report the domestic violence, to Dr, to police, to anyone and everyone you can, get it on record, you may be entitled to legal aid.

Hissy · 21/06/2013 20:40

Oh and look up contacts for Rights for Women.

Original poster
takingalongwalk · 21/06/2013 20:59

I did ring our lovely family doctor who made me cry today, so that might help. Can't really report to the police as he's never hurt me physically. Once I'm at my safe place I'll be in contact with all the right people. At the moment concentrating on getting few the next few days and making a list of what I need (well hidden).

OP posts:
Hissy · 21/06/2013 22:35

Sweety, EVERYONE i'd speak to would make me cry. Crying's ok. Its tears of emotion for US.

IEM3 · 21/06/2013 23:06

You're doing really well. Stay focussed. Keep up appearances to avoid any abuse but I know exactly what you mean. My OH has been acting nice since this all came to a head a couple of months ago. Its easier if they show their true colours to be sure you are doing the right thing. In our hearts we know we are right. I read recently that it might help to "observe" yourself when your are with him. What different feelings you are experiencing - deep sadness, uncomfortable, anxious, scared. Whatever your feelings are - I think they will speak truth. Take care.

Monty27 · 21/06/2013 23:18

Very best of luck. And respect :)

Jux · 21/06/2013 23:59

You don't have to be hit to report to the police.

Lavenderhoney · 22/06/2013 04:11

The police would be interested as you are not allowed out and have no freedom.
I I was you I would go there and report so its on record. Your gp sounds lovely and I hope helps you further.

You will be entitled to benefits so you can go on benefits calculator and see your cab. I think you should contact women's aid too. Its not just d&v.

Will you be staying with your friend indefinitely? You do need advice so women's aid will be great- there is a poster called Olga who has lots of info of where to go and who to talk to. Ill see if I can find it and do a search too.

When you get out, get yourself a cheap mobile and sim from tesco then you have a point of contact for agencies etc and tell everyone not to give it to him. You'll need Id to get a mobile I believe, like a passport.

Original poster
takingalongwalk · 22/06/2013 19:37

Feeling grim today, it just seems so overwhelming what I need to do, and I'm so aware that it's going to start in motion a chain of events that I won't be able to stop...and I don't know what they are yet. But then I think of staying and that is worse.
The place I'm staying is an institution lavender though it is run by a friend. She thinks I'll be able to stay about 6 weeks, and I think I'll be able to go to my parents house after that. I'm staying with my folks while DH is away and plan to explain things to them then.
The place I'll be staying initially is rural and I'm panicking about relatively minor things like how I'll get food shopping etc. Also bizzarely enjoying thinking about what I will wear, as it will be the first time for years that I won't have someone looking at me in disgust if I wear something he doesn't approve of!

OP posts:
ouryve · 22/06/2013 19:39

I did it and I've never looked back. It'll be the best thing you ever did.

foolonthehill · 22/06/2013 20:56

it will be ok. You will manage. One step at a time to a new life

(and some clothes that YOU like)

mongolianomad · 22/06/2013 21:25

I did it too. My only regret is that I didn't have the bottle to do it years earlier. Before he had the opportunity to financially abuse me and my family too and leave me really in the shit. I think of all the years I wasted and all the misery. Totally unecessarily.

So glad to hear you have made plans. You are really brave. Please do implement them You will be stronger as a result and will be able to find yourself again. Believe you can do this. Because you can and you will. Good luck.