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Original poster

Is this common/normal? Gf's past sex with ex is bothering me

103 replies

merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 13:40

Hi all,

Hope you can help with this, because it's really really got to me and I'm struggling to move on.

Firstly, I am in my first lesbian relationship and I'm completely and totally in love. I see myself as bi, but my GF, although she's always been with men prior, sees herself as gay. Her last boyfriend, she was with for nearly 6 years, but says they were basically just friends.

She tells me that sex with a man did absolutely nothing for her, but quite early on in our relationship she told me something which ever since, has really disturbed me.

Apparently one night, they were having sex and she moved his hands round her throat. He quickly moved them and told her he didn't like it and it made him uncomfortable. I was shocked when she told me this and asked if this is something she's always been into and she insisted that she isn't. She said that she just wanted to feel something as she found sex with him so dull.

I can't seem to drop it and move on and it really upsets her when I bring it up.

We have a very good and healthy sex life and I would never have suspected that she was into anything 'dodgy' if she hadn't told me about this.

Since then, I've heard that it's quite a common act to take place in the bedroom, but I don't get it.

I've asked her what she'd think if I suggested we did it and she said she'd absolutely hate it, which I was relieved about, but nevertheless, I find it all quite contradictive.

I really want to stop questioning her about it. I love her so much. She's such an amazing person.

Any suggestions on how I can move on from this? Or does anyone think I am right for being so concerned.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/06/2013 13:55

It's not really a question of it being right or wrong. How you feel is how you feel. It's personal to you and that's all that matters. Often, when relationships end badly, people look back at things they dismissed as unimportant with new eyes. If this small piece of information makes you feel uncomfortable or differently about your girlfriend, you should trust your judgement and your instinct rather than ignore it and think you have to 'move on'.

I can't think why someone would need hands around their throat in order to feel more excited.

AMumInScotland · 17/06/2013 14:00

I think you maybe have to work out just what you are concerned about. Is it that she chose to do something a little bit kinky? I don't think it's that unusual for people to try out that kind of thing, and if she was looking for a thrill she just wasn't feeling, then that would be enough to explain it.

Or, are you bothered about her sex life in the past in general? I'm straight and haven't had a relationship with a woman, but I imagine I'd feel a bit confused about a woman who identifies as gay, but has only had relationships with men in the past, and had a 6-year sexual relationship with a man, even though they were 'just friends', and I would be wondering about where we stood.

Is it possible that you are just focussing on this one thing because it stands out, when really it is the whole situation that you are feeling a bit confused by at the moment?

Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 14:14

Cogito, I can't understand it either, but like I said, I've heard that it's quite a common fantasy, but she swears that it's not actually a fantasy of hers and she can't explain why she did it.

amum, I think you may have something there. I do ask her a lot about how she could have been with a man for so long if she always saw herself as gay and she just says that she was kind of supressing her feelings, although she's certainly not ashamed or anything now. I would say though, that she's a very honest person and so when she says she doesn't know why, I think I believe her. It doesn't really make it any easier though. If anything, that's what's keeping me from dropping it because I just can't understand why you would suggest something like this out of the blue if it's not something you're into, or at least wondering about.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/06/2013 14:19

You describe her as honest and you say you believe her that's not the case. You doubt the story, doubt the motives and don't accept the explanation. It's that old problem 'mistrust' and, if you try to ignore your doubts, it's not going to go away.

Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 14:24

I don't know if it's just me though. Does it sound like a genuine reason to anybody else? I just don't know

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/06/2013 14:34

Is it the reason that's bothering you specifically or something about the way it was said, body-language and other less tangible things? It's tempting, when you love someone, to try to gloss over problematic stuff, make excuses for them, dismiss your fears as overreaction, rationalise things as a 'one-off'. Whatever's bothering you it's unlikely to irrational or to be just this one thing.

AnyFucker · 17/06/2013 14:35

Have you never experimented ? Tried something and decided it wasn't for you ? Told a current partner about it in a bout of transparency and then regretted it because they can't let it drop when it's actually none of their business at all ?

I don't agree with discussing past sex lives with current partners and this is one of the reasons why. I know very little about my H's previous experiences, and he mine. I don't want to know...the information is between him and that particular partner and it is in the past

if I let spoil what we have now, that would be such a shame

wouldn't it ?

Merrow · 17/06/2013 14:40

It makes sense to me. She wanted to be in a relationship with a man because she was suppressing her feelings, she wanted to enjoy the sex she was having, she tried something different in the hope it would help.

Erotic asphyxiation is kinky, but it's nothing really more than that. Apparently it heightens sensations. Someone tried it on me once, and it freaked me out, but I don't think worse of them for asking to try it. If my partner asked me to do it now I'd say no, because they're aware I don't like it. I don't think it's contradictory that she says she would hate it.

It's weirder to me that you're obsessing over it so much, to be honest. How long have you been together? Are you sure you're not just panicking about it being your first lesbian relationship?

DistanceCall · 17/06/2013 14:43

Liking having your partner's hands around your throat doesn't necessarily mean anything sordid. It can have the connotation of trusting your partner completely (some people find making themselves so vulnerable very arousing). Power exchange is something relatively normal - many people fantasise at least about it. It doesn't mean that you want to get killed or hurt or anything like that.

Don't worry about it. Unless you have other things to worry about and this is just an excuse, of course.

Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 14:48

cogito, I suppose it's just that I find those kind of things really upsetting and it's certainly not something I can relate to. We've both been abused, physically and mentally by ex's (not her last ex) and so I can't understand why this would come into her head as a good thing to try to spice things up, when she's been abused for real in the past by her previous ex. I keep going over it again and again in my mind.

AnyFucker Yes I have. I really don't want to spoil what we have. I really don't and you're probably right about banning discussions about previous sexual experiences. We've just always been really open about them I guess. Mainly because I think we were helping each other understand our sexualities and relate in the beginning.

Whenever I bring it up, she says that she's embarrassed about it and she wishes she never told me, but I can't shift the image of her moving his hands around her throat. It kills me.

OP posts:
Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 14:55

merrow can I ask if you instigated it was it your ex? I have to say, reading your post made me breath a little sigh of relief. We've been together almost a year. I don't know why I'm obsessing over it so much. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that this is my first lesbian relationship and actually, the first time I've been in love. Assumed I was with my ex, but after meeting her, I realised I wasn't.

Distance I think I'm starting to realise that there are other issues here, yes.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/06/2013 14:57

Why does it "kill you" ? I am not being mean, love. It wasn't your experience, it was hers. She tried it (perhaps for less than good reasons) but it really is not your intellectual property to obsess over.

I am not surprised she wishes she hadn't told you. There are lots of things I will never tell my husband. Not anything I have buried in a fucked-up way, but some thoughts/feelings/experiences that are best worked through by myself, in my own way.

Leave her be. This is your problem, and you are making it a shared one. She won't thank you for it.

Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 14:58

but actually, she didn't decide that it wasn't for her. He decided it wasn't for him. If she'd just tried it and said that she wished she hadn't, it wouldn't really bother me. I remember when she told me, she was almost annoyed with him because he didn't really give it a go.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/06/2013 14:59

she did/he did/they both did

whatever

not your business

Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 15:02

AnyFucker, I know what you're saying and it probably is my problem, but it's a problem that I want to over come so that we can move on. I'm hoping that asking, essentially, random opinions on a forum like this, can help me do that.

OP posts:
Merrow · 17/06/2013 15:03

My ex instigated it (with consent, I should say) and stopped immediately when they realised I didn't like it. To be honest, I was quite surprised by how much I disliked it ? it certainly went beyond "meh, not for me." It probably links in with what DistanceCall said - for me the vulnerability made me immediately tense and panic, rather than anything positive!

Merrow · 17/06/2013 15:17

I admit, I am struggling to understand. Are you worried that at some point in the future she's going to ask you to do something you're not comfortable with? That she might decide it is for her, and ask you to try? If she does, and you're not comfortable with that, then you can say no. You don't have to play out every single fantasy to have a successful relationship.

Obviously I don't know the details, but it could be that she was annoyed because it was reflective of their relationship: she wanted to try something in the hope of improving their sex life, and he was happy with the status quo and refused to participate even though she was unhappy. The annoyance might not be specifically connected to wanting to have tried it properly.

mamapants · 17/06/2013 15:26

I think I would be starting to get annoyed with you by now if you were my partner. She's told you something personal about her past and you keep bringing it up all the time wanting some explanation she can't provide.
People experiment all the time to find out what they like. She fancied trying something she doesn't now I think you really need to stop hassling her about it tbh.

Owllady · 17/06/2013 15:33

I don't think this has anything to do with sex. I think this is to do with you feeling insecure in the relationship because you are inexperienced with women.

Stop hassling her and come to terms with the fact she trusted you enough to tell you

and then have fun and relax. No-one wants to obsess about their past (or someone elses) Chill out

Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 15:44

merrow, no I'm not worried she's going to ask me to try anything like this. What you've suggested makes sense. Thinking about it, I still wonder why she told me. When she did, I remember thinking 'oh god, she's not into all that is she', but then when she explained that it didn't really happen in the end and she wouldn't want to do I with me, I relaxed about it. It was a couple of months later when it started disturbing me. I really hope you're right.

mama things aren't always that simple. I was once held down by an ex and he did put his hand round my throat and it certainly wasn't consensual, so maybe it's got me thinking more about that relationship and how much abuse there really was. I know it's not the same thing overall, but maybe it's just effecting me more than your average person because of my history.

OP posts:
DonutForMyself · 17/06/2013 15:44

I think I would be starting to get annoyed with you by now if you were my partner. She's told you something personal about her past and you keep bringing it up all the time wanting some explanation she can't provide.
People experiment all the time to find out what they like. She fancied trying something she doesn't now I think you really need to stop hassling her about it tbh.

I agree, she's been open about something - maybe sounding you out about your preferences or maybe just trusting you enough to tell you something very personal - and now you're using it as a stick to beat her with.

I have suffered abuse, emotional and physical, including an ex trying to strangle me. However, when asphyxiation is done in an erotic context its totally different - like the difference between sex and rape. It may be the same body parts, but its a totally different experience because in one instance it is violence, in another it is submission and trust in someone you know would never hurt you (+ a lack-of-oxygen related buzz for good measure).

As with anything, if its not for you, you only have to say so. Its not for her either so it really is a non-issue. You need to let it go.

Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 16:15

Donut I don't go on about it constantly. Yes I've brought it up more than I probably should, but I always say that it's my issue and not hers. Tbf, it's usually after we've had a couple of glasses of vino. I want to "let it go", that's why I'm on here. I want to stop thinking about it.

Interesting what you were saying about erotic asphyxiation. I guess I've only ever viewed it as extreme and well.........dangerous I suppose. Maybe after what happened to me, which is obviously something you can relate to, I just didn't see it in any other way. What you're saying does make sense though.

OP posts:
XiCi · 17/06/2013 16:43

You need to let this go. Look at it her her point of view. Relaxing with a couple of glasses of vino and bam - you start bringing this up again. She's already told you that she wished she hadn't mentioned it - that's a polite way of saying please shut the fuck up about it. If my partner went on and on about something that happened with an ex every time he had a drink it would seriously affect my relationship. You will lose her if you keep this up

XiCi · 17/06/2013 16:44

You need to let this go. Look at it her her point of view. Relaxing with a couple of glasses of vino and bam - you start bringing this up again. She's already told you that she wished she hadn't mentioned it - that's a polite way of saying please shut the fuck up about it. If my partner went on and on about something that happened with an ex every time he had a drink it would seriously affect my relationship. You will lose her if you keep this up

Keztrel · 17/06/2013 16:51

I kind of agree with both Cogito and AF. On the one hand, I completely understand her explanation for why she tried it and don't think you should be badgering her or reading too much into it - she tried something kinky and didn't take it further and now isn't interested in it - end of story. BUT like Cog says, it seems to be truly bothering you that she could even consider wanting something like that, in which case maybe she's not the person for you.