Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this common/normal? Gf's past sex with ex is bothering me

103 replies

merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 13:40

Hi all,

Hope you can help with this, because it's really really got to me and I'm struggling to move on.

Firstly, I am in my first lesbian relationship and I'm completely and totally in love. I see myself as bi, but my GF, although she's always been with men prior, sees herself as gay. Her last boyfriend, she was with for nearly 6 years, but says they were basically just friends.

She tells me that sex with a man did absolutely nothing for her, but quite early on in our relationship she told me something which ever since, has really disturbed me.

Apparently one night, they were having sex and she moved his hands round her throat. He quickly moved them and told her he didn't like it and it made him uncomfortable. I was shocked when she told me this and asked if this is something she's always been into and she insisted that she isn't. She said that she just wanted to feel something as she found sex with him so dull.

I can't seem to drop it and move on and it really upsets her when I bring it up.

We have a very good and healthy sex life and I would never have suspected that she was into anything 'dodgy' if she hadn't told me about this.

Since then, I've heard that it's quite a common act to take place in the bedroom, but I don't get it.

I've asked her what she'd think if I suggested we did it and she said she'd absolutely hate it, which I was relieved about, but nevertheless, I find it all quite contradictive.

I really want to stop questioning her about it. I love her so much. She's such an amazing person.

Any suggestions on how I can move on from this? Or does anyone think I am right for being so concerned.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Sh1ney · 17/06/2013 22:20

It's far too easy to say ' it's always the same people. ' when given advice that you don't like. I have no idea who you are and I don't post on many threads at all - haven't for years now really.

BOF · 17/06/2013 22:21

Hmm. There's no need to go apeshit if you feel that having the behaviour called out as a few steps away from abusive if you are confident it isn't. Perhaps that's a really horrible distressing thought to you because it is the last way you'd ever like to behave to someone you love, and the thought horrifies you? That's a good sign really. But I do believe that that being the case should mean that you should consider how distressing it is for somebody to experience having a past sexual anecdote repeatedly brought up when they think they can relax around you. Being made to feel guilty because something they mentioned and can't explain to your satisfaction "kills" you is really unpleasant, especially if you think you are going to enjoy a relaxed drink together, but it all turns into an angst-filled reinterrogation.

Portofino · 17/06/2013 22:22

It was the past. If you are otherwise happy, just let it go and stop bringing it up.

mamapants · 17/06/2013 22:30

Hi I posted quite early on suggesting that I would be beginning to be annoyed in your situation.
I've thought about it some more and can think of a specific relationship where my boyfriend kept bringing up something I'd told him and I really did feel a bit harassed by the end of it.
I didn't know what he wanted to hear to make what I'd said ok to him. And it really wasn't relevant to our relationship. Each time he brought it up would fill me with dread because we were going to have 'that' conversation again.
He really had problems with jealousy and made our relationship very difficult.
I think that is why you've made some posters uncomfortable as they would be concerned about where your behaviour is headed and how it would make your partner feel.
TBH it really isn't a nice feeling.

Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 22:34

sh far too easy? Hmmm, What does that mean exactly? You judged me very easily and quickly. I think I'm entitled to my opinion aren't I?.... You can say it's rubbish if you like, but that's the beauty of these forums, ey, AF

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/06/2013 22:34

Indeed.

BOF · 17/06/2013 22:36

Nobody is judging you, Merlot. But a lot of people are saying they would find the behaviour you are describing unacceptable in a relationship.

ProperStumped · 17/06/2013 22:39

merlot - gay or straight, you're coming over as a little obsessive, imo.

Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 22:41

mama I get what you're saying, but my behaviour isn't headed anywhere. I know this can't carry on and it won't. Some of the things which have been posted have been genuinely helpful.

OP posts:
Portofino · 17/06/2013 22:42

You now sound like you want reactions vs advice Hmm. I think you needed to just get on with your relationship and stop obsessing about the past. It's not healthy.

Sh1ney · 17/06/2013 22:47

Eh? You posted something and I made a judgement on it. It is how MN works y'know.

I am beginning to see exactly how this is for your OH. You are like the proverbial dog with a bone..on and on, blustering away. No one who disagrees with you could POSSIBLY have a point, although, of course they're entitled to how they feel..

Sh1ney · 17/06/2013 22:48

I also think you are jealous of her past relationship with a man. Again, i base this entirely on what you have said.

Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 22:56

If you like sh I actually find it quite amusing how you think you've got a clear picture of me now because I've not taken your comments lying down, so to speak. That's not what I'm like at all, but to be perfectly honest, I couldn't care less what you think. I'm sure you're now going to twist that to be yet another sign that I'm controlling, obsessive or whatever other nasty thing you can think of. You couldn't be more wrong, you really couldn't

OP posts:
Portofino · 17/06/2013 23:04

Why ask for advice if you don't wont to hear it Confused

Wowserz129 · 17/06/2013 23:08

I have just read the whole thread OP.

Although I can see where you are coming from, your past experiences mean you find it hard to understand why your OH would want to do something like that in a sexual way. You sound like you ask her about it a lot because you want to gain a better understanding of why she would want to do something like that. I think the issue is there is no more to understand or add to the story and so you are searching for something that isn't there.

I am not going to call you an abuser/close to being an abuser as I don't know you from Adam and its not a term to be used lightly.

I will say that your posts do come across as slightly obsessive and if sounds like you have upset your girlfriend mentioning it. People who have obsessive tendencies not always aware of them. I would take a few steps back and re-assess where the real problems are with how you are feeling. I suspect that you might have other worries surrounding your gf and are projecting them onto the one issue!

I hope you sort it out OP.

BOF · 17/06/2013 23:10

The fact that you've gone ballistic and lost all sense of proportion does give us a bit of an impression, tbh. You can assertively disagree without falling out of the tree, you know.

Original poster
merlotOclock · 18/06/2013 08:14

porto I have taken advice and I haven't at one point said that I'm in the right. Just because I won't take cruel and unjustified comments, doesn't mean I won't take advice. They're two completely different things.

*wow, I honestly have never thought of myself as obsessive before. I think we this issue, I always just assumed it was a one off and I started to wonder if there was a link to everything which happened to me. It's not an excuse and I'm not saying it is. It mortifies me that I upset my gf by mentioning this a few times, but I think people have got this hideous image of me "badgering" and interrogating her about it on a daily basis or something. That's just not the case.

BOF how have I gone ballistic. Calling someone an abuser or a few steps away, is such a huge claim to make and I got angry and upset. All it gives you an impression of, is that I won't take such hideous accusations. I think you'll find that a few on here are showing signs of bullying behaviour. Maybe you should think about that.....

OP posts:
Gay40 · 18/06/2013 13:41

I wonder if she would tell a different version of the "mentioned it a few times" situation....
I don't know whether you are abusive or not, don't much care tbh, but if you fling your teddy out of the pram every time someone disgrees with you, or doesn't hear what you want to say, then that is abusive behaviour, yes.
No one wants their past raking over, not even a little bit. Get over it.

oreoaddict · 18/06/2013 15:05

Don't much care Gay?! Well I think I'd care if I genuinely thought someone was being abused, which is what I've been accused of. What a bizarre thing to say. And throw my teddy out the pram? Again, ridiculous. I can take criticism and you know as well I do this isn't about disagreeing. It's 100% wrong and I have every right to defend myself. Don't tell me that if someone had accused you of being the same, you wouldn't get slightly pissed off.

nenevomito · 18/06/2013 15:52

That post really adds strength to your argument that you don't overreact. Guv.

AnyFucker · 18/06/2013 16:29

name change fail ?

ProperStumped · 18/06/2013 16:49

I thought the very same AF Grin

OP, calm down. People can only judge you on what you write here, you know.

allaflutter · 18/06/2013 18:50

OP, in my humble opinion, it was something to do with self-loathing as she was clearly miserable deep down about living a lie and forcing herself to enjoy sex with a man. If this was hew regular fantasy, then self loathing would have nothing to do with, most likely, but as it's not, then very likely.

ShoutyCrackers · 18/06/2013 18:55

Name change failure Grin

allaflutter · 18/06/2013 18:57

so what if it's a name change fail, don't gloat!