Is this common/normal? Gf's past sex with ex is bothering me

[merlotOclock]

Hi all,

Hope you can help with this, because it's really really got to me and I'm struggling to move on.

Firstly, I am in my first lesbian relationship and I'm completely and totally in love. I see myself as bi, but my GF, although she's always been with men prior, sees herself as gay. Her last boyfriend, she was with for nearly 6 years, but says they were basically just friends.

She tells me that sex with a man did absolutely nothing for her, but quite early on in our relationship she told me something which ever since, has really disturbed me.

Apparently one night, they were having sex and she moved his hands round her throat. He quickly moved them and told her he didn't like it and it made him uncomfortable. I was shocked when she told me this and asked if this is something she's always been into and she insisted that she isn't. She said that she just wanted to feel something as she found sex with him so dull.

I can't seem to drop it and move on and it really upsets her when I bring it up.

We have a very good and healthy sex life and I would never have suspected that she was into anything 'dodgy' if she hadn't told me about this.

Since then, I've heard that it's quite a common act to take place in the bedroom, but I don't get it.

I've asked her what she'd think if I suggested we did it and she said she'd absolutely hate it, which I was relieved about, but nevertheless, I find it all quite contradictive.

I really want to stop questioning her about it. I love her so much. She's such an amazing person.

Any suggestions on how I can move on from this? Or does anyone think I am right for being so concerned.

Thanks for reading.

Good, you are compatible sexually. You love her, have a good relationship and the sex is good, right?

Then you need to leave this in the past. Now I know that for you, this obviously isn't easy to do or you wouldn't be posting here for advice. So until you can get a hold of your emotions there is only one thing you can do, keep them to yourself :) Deal with them in your own head and do not question her again. If you get the overwhelming urge to question her. STOP. You need to deal with this on your own and not make it her problem.

I do not think you are abusive at all. I am certainly not abusive but had a similar issue to you, just because some abusive people might do this doesn't mean YOU are abusive. You are being unfair and unkind though and this will likely knock her trust in you. I know my husband was livid and rightfully so, that he trusted me with something and then I threw it back in his face by dragging it up.

If this keeps on you run the risk of pushing her away and you wouldn't want to do that, would you?

It's ok, it's in the past, it is over with. Go on and enjoy your relationship, don't let something stupid ruin something so good.

And also, an apology and a promise to let this go might go a long way :)

sam thank you. I honestly do agree with everything you've said. It is unkind and completely unfair. I genuinely do feel a little clearer after reading some of the posts today.

basket it's not an "overblown" reaction actually. I think it's completely justified, so I don't need to "think about that" thank you. I am not an abusive, or a few steps away from it. I was rightfully very upset at being called something so horrible and more to the point, completely untrue. As a victim of abuse, mental and physical, yes, I am going to react more sensitively to such a claim because I know how awful it is.

Look, if you were a bloke telling us that you have badgered your female partner about her past sexual choices (with an unhealthy dollop of judgement thrown in for good measure) you would have been absolutely crucified (and rightly so)

It's no different for you

Actually I think the majority of people would think it an overblown reaction. Tbh if my partner told me this I wouldn't think twice about it. From your posts you really sound quite neurotic and obsessive.

This is your problem not your gf's. I really feel quite sorry for her and agree with the poster upthread who said it makes v uncomfortable reading.

What are you talking about? This is just going to get nasty now isn't it. It's always the same people I've noticed who like to crank things up and attack.

You have no idea what I've said to her or how many times, so I have no idea where the last couple of posters are coming from. Uncomfortable reading? Stop making me out to be some kind of monster!

People like you make me uncomfortable because you try to pull somebody apart with very limited knowledge on them personally.

It's just ridiculous. I know exactly why and I'm being attacked and it's disgusting.

and please explain how I sound neurotic and obsessive xi.

You don't agree that if a bloke came on here with doubts about his female partner's previous sex life and how it was somehow tainting his relationship with her, he should have got an easy ride ?

no AnyFucker, I don't believe he would have been "crucified" as you put it.

Yes, he would.

so you'd like to sit back and watch me get pulled apart now would you? Do you honestly think I would deserve that.

You partner tells you something very early on in your relationship and you have been obsessing ever since about it, badgering her about it. You say the thought of it kills you and you can't help bringing it up, usually when you've had a glass of wine and you don't think this is obsessive?

Read your posts back impartially. You must have a very low level of self awareness. And I'm sure you know very well that a man coming on here haranguing a woman about her past sexual experiences would get very short shrift

No one is 'cranking things up and attacking you '.. you sound completely neurotic.

'' Whenever I bring it up, she says that she's embarrassed about it and she wishes she never told me, ''

'
I can't seem to drop it and move on and it really upsets her when I bring it up. '

''I do ask her a lot about how she could have been with a man for so long if she always saw herself as gay '

the above are your own words.

Give over. "Sit back and watch you get pulled apart ?" I simply don't care enough about you to do that, tbh, and neither does anyone else here

You are rather hard work, love. I am trying to help you by saying it isn't personal to you. Ask a question on an anonymous website, nobody is invested in staying on the right side of you, why should they be ?

That is why somewhere like MN is so good...you get the plain, unvarnished and objective truth and a mixed bag of viewpoints

Ignore it at your peril < shrug >

all you need to know about her past sex life is whether she has any communicable diseases.

stop banging on about this, so to speak.

Op, have you ever had therapy for the issues you've experienced? It might be the key to allowing yourself to move on.

It sounds like you're in a great relationship - don't jeopardise it over an issue which isn't relevant to the two of you.

Your reactions to the responses tell us as much as we need to know.

Let it go, or you're going to be single very soon.

I choose to ignore nasty comments.

carlyI did have therapy last year, but I'm not sure how much it helped me. I had never told anyone about what happened to me before so it was an emotionally draining experience. I don't want to jeopardise what we have. I really do feel like I've found my soul mate.

Gay no they don't. I think anyone would be just as upset as I was if they were wrongly accused of being an abuser.

Cricket, the way I've read it OP you have bought up a tricky subject with her a few times and upset and annoyed her. That's something that happens regularly in many relationships surely, and I don't see how people can conclude you are being abusive or bullying her. Tbh it sounds more like you're aware the problem lies with you and you are asking for help to get over it. That's how I read it anyway.

Yeah that's meant to say crikey not cricket.

You haven't been called an abuser merlot,but you do need to let the subject drop if you want to hold on to your soul mate.

Your GF will only put up with it for so long,fwiw,i know absolutely fuck all about DPs sex life pre me,i have no interest at all.

Kez thank you.

It's not that I can't take criticism and I haven't once made out as though I haven't done anything wrong, but I refuse to be made out to be something I'm not.

Well, Merlot, people are going to have their opinions based on their own experiences and probably little you will say will change them.

I think you have your answer here, everyone has agreed that you are wrong and have told you to leave it alone. I do not agree with some of the harsh posts here because I too have felt the same way as you and I know I am not a bully or an abuser so I have no reason based on this one thing to suspect that you are either.

Take the helpful posts with the bad :)

I really think more counselling might be a good idea. May I ask if you have jealousy issues?

Sam I am absolutely fine with people having their own opinions, but when it gets nasty like it has, it's just so unnecessary and cruel. And I stand by the fact that it always seems to be the same people.

I would say I can get jealous, yes. I don't know if I'm more of a jealous person than your average.

I think you may be right regarding the counselling. I found it so traumatic re living all that though and I'm not sure if I can go through that again.