Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this common/normal? Gf's past sex with ex is bothering me

103 replies

merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 13:40

Hi all,

Hope you can help with this, because it's really really got to me and I'm struggling to move on.

Firstly, I am in my first lesbian relationship and I'm completely and totally in love. I see myself as bi, but my GF, although she's always been with men prior, sees herself as gay. Her last boyfriend, she was with for nearly 6 years, but says they were basically just friends.

She tells me that sex with a man did absolutely nothing for her, but quite early on in our relationship she told me something which ever since, has really disturbed me.

Apparently one night, they were having sex and she moved his hands round her throat. He quickly moved them and told her he didn't like it and it made him uncomfortable. I was shocked when she told me this and asked if this is something she's always been into and she insisted that she isn't. She said that she just wanted to feel something as she found sex with him so dull.

I can't seem to drop it and move on and it really upsets her when I bring it up.

We have a very good and healthy sex life and I would never have suspected that she was into anything 'dodgy' if she hadn't told me about this.

Since then, I've heard that it's quite a common act to take place in the bedroom, but I don't get it.

I've asked her what she'd think if I suggested we did it and she said she'd absolutely hate it, which I was relieved about, but nevertheless, I find it all quite contradictive.

I really want to stop questioning her about it. I love her so much. She's such an amazing person.

Any suggestions on how I can move on from this? Or does anyone think I am right for being so concerned.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 16:54

I don't bring it up every single time! I've already said that. I've admitted that what I'm doing is wrong. I just wanted to see how normal or abnormal this is.

OP posts:
tattle · 17/06/2013 17:27

It is perfectly normal for people in relationships to try new things even if its above the norm for others,you don't know if you like something unless you try it.
IMO you are focusing on this way too much and are questioning her previous relationship and maybe if she is even true to her sexuality.
You do not trust her.
You are making it her problem by keeping on bringing it up in some hope that whatever she might say will make you get over this.

I don't really have any real good advice but what will help can't come from your Gf.

Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 17:31

kez, but I really do believe she is the person for me. I think you're right though, when you say that I am having trouble contemplating that she even wanted to give this a go, but I'm starting to see it slightly differently now, which is what I wanted from this.

OP posts:
Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 17:36

tattle, I agree that it's normal for people to try new things and experiment. I just wanted to see what others thought

OP posts:
Keztrel · 17/06/2013 17:39

You don't have to be okay with it though, if you're someone who fundamentally can't accept any kind of mild violence or a taste for it, then don't force yourself to change for your relationship.

Keztrel · 17/06/2013 17:48

Not that it sounds like she does have a taste for violence BTW! Its just you sound particularly sensitive to that kind of thing, even as an experiment in her past.

Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 18:07

kez yeah, it is a sensitive issue for me, but of course I don't want to make her feel bad. She hasn't done anything wrong and she certainly isn't alone in wanting to try it. I guess there are some holes in her answers, but then that could again just go back to me really not relating.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 17/06/2013 18:13

Hi OP.

When I first got with my husband I made the stupid mistake of asking him about a sexual experience. We were in the honeymoon period and for some reason I thought it was a good idea to ask and he answered.

The sexual experience was nothing out of the norm but after a few days it started playing on my mind. In fact, I found it hard to get it out of my head. I examined my feelings and came to the conclusion that I was feeling inferior and insecure and it was MY problem.

We all have a past, you need to leave it where it belongs.

If you really and truly can't get past something she did in the past then perhaps you need to take a deep look at the problem and what is really worrying you. People change, I get more kinky as time goes on, some people try things and don't like it, it's what sex is about and you will ruin your relationship if you carry on.

Even if she did like it what would be the issue with it?

Sallystyle · 17/06/2013 18:16

Btw, my last question is for something for you to think about.

Sometime we are just not compatible with someone sexually and that is fine, but it doesn't really seem to be the problem with you, you seem more shocked and concerned that she dared try something you see as 'dodgy'

Perhaps you are wondering if she may not be the person you think she is when it comes to sex? However, she is. She tried something and didn't like it. That should be the end.

Sh1ney · 17/06/2013 18:19

Just read first few messages

For god sake, stop interrogating her! You're straying into not very nice territory ourself if you keep on. What answer , exactly , do you want ?

Sh1ney · 17/06/2013 18:23

In fact, having read it all, you kind if make me shiver a bit. You remind me of an ex of mine. He had some 'problems ' accepting something I'd told him about me. He would bring it up when I least expected it - relaxing with a drink for example , or on a weekend away.

You are a few steps away from what I would call abusive behaviour

Keztrel · 17/06/2013 18:25

Bit harsh Sh1ny!

AnotherLovelyCupOfCoffee · 17/06/2013 18:27

I can't think of anything worse than somebody putting their hands around my throat/neck. That is literally the stuff of nightmares for me.

So, I do get why you're a bit freaked out by it. But she's not pressurising you to do it to her, or to allow her to you to do it to her....... so, without knowing how you do this Confused try to let it go.

Lavenderhoney · 17/06/2013 18:28

I don't like discussing past relationships in bed with anyone, for this very reason! Pillow talk can be a bit too open IMO. Plus it feels a bit disloyal and belongs in the past, packed away neatly with all the other baggage:)

She tried it, didn't like it and is with you anyway and you have made it clear its not for you and you won't be doing it to her. End of chat really.

Clear your mind when the though comes up and don't discuss it with her. I don't think its sinister or anything, and shouldn't affect you unless she wants to do it. Which she doesn't, does she?

AnotherLovelyCupOfCoffee · 17/06/2013 18:32

Sh1ney that is rubbish. I think it's quite a hard visual to cast from your mind. Strangulation. I find it disturbing. I was in an abusive relationship and I find it disturbing to have sex mixed up with a violent/abusive type of act. I can't disentangle them then. I wouldn't want sex to be ruined by that new entanglement.

Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 18:35

sh1 don't be so fucking ridiculous!! How dare you suggest I am abusive! How fucking dare you! I have been abused myself and I would NEVER abuse anyone, in any way! You make me shiver. In fact you make me sick for suggesting something so completely outrageous. You have no idea how many times I've brought this up. None! I've admitted that what I am doing isn't right, but I have made it perfectly clear that it's more about what's in my head than what I'm actually saying to her. I've not brought it up that many times. But to be perfectly honest, I don't need or want to explain myself to someone who can be so utterly vile.

OP posts:
Sh1ney · 17/06/2013 18:50

I appear to have hit a nerve.

Apologies. You post in an open forum and I read your posts. That was MY personal reaction to them. I didn't realise I had to follow a pattern of answers.

I've not been vile to you. You describe really poor behaviour though and I've merely pointed this out to you. If you're so sure that you're right then just ignore me. Words on a screen after all

Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 18:53

sam I know that from now on, we won't be discussing anything about past sexual experiences. If she did like it...........I don't know, I really don't know. It's certainly not something I would want to try. We're actually incredibly compatible, sexually. I've never been as sexually compatible with anyone. It really is just this one thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
merlotOclock · 17/06/2013 19:02

shy how on earth could you come up with the conclusion that I'm an abuser? How? You're somehow suggesting that because you've "hit a nerve" that again, that must be another indication that you're correct.

OP posts:
nenevomito · 17/06/2013 19:07

Op, ask yourself how you would feel if you told your girlfriend something and then she kept bringing it up again and again.

Hounded? Annoyed? Upset? Disappointed?

If you hound, upset and annoy your girlfriend over something they can't do anything to change as it happened and they've moved on, then its really not a very nice thing to do.

Park it up and move on as this navel gazing doesn't help anyone. Keep at it and she may decide to move on herself.

nenevomito · 17/06/2013 19:08

Well I suppose hounding and upsetting someone could be viewed as a little bullying perhaps?

Sh1ney · 17/06/2013 19:09

How have I come to that conclusion you ask? Well it's not a conclusion because I don't know you. I can only base my thoughts on what you yourself have written.

To continually push for a definitive answer, to bring this up when your other half least expects it and is relaxed, to bang on about your issues with what effectively is NOT YOUR BUSINESS, to search for something that will satisfy YOU, to be unable to let this drop ....

That's what I based it on. You don't like what I said and I get that. And for all I know you may well have mentioned it twice in passing. But have a think. You've reacted very strongly to what I've said. There is probably a reason for that.

Sh1ney · 17/06/2013 19:10

And I didn't say ' you are an abuser '

I said you were a few steps away from it. I stand by that.

EleanorHandbasket · 17/06/2013 19:11

TBH it IS abusive to badger your partner about her own past.

It is a very common feature in abusive relationships actually.

You will be making her feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, ashamed, she will be trying to appease you, trying to think of a way to make it ok for you. What do you want her to say? there's nothing she CAN say, so bringing it up is really just for your own benifit. Which is pretty horrible.

It makes for very uncomfortable reading.

And honestly, your overblown reaction to being told this speaks volumes too.

Think about that.

Sh1ney · 17/06/2013 19:12

She told you this in confidence. I bet she regrets that now.

She might as well have handed you a stick to poke her with whenever you feel like it.

Virtually, of course

Swipe left for the next trending thread