Quick poll - if you got married in church, did you choose to 'obey'

[Wuldric]

And did anyone you know choose to obey?

After 22 years of marriage DH told me how very shocked he was when I told him I wasn't going to obey. He seemed not to blink an eyelid at the time. Apparently he was surprised by my radical feminism and how far out I was.

But was it radical? Really?

On September 12, 1922, the Episcopal Church voted to remove the word "obey" from the bride's section of wedding vows. Other churches of the Anglican Communion each have their own authorized prayer books which in general follow the vows described above though the details and languages used do vary.

So women were ditching the obey as far back as 1922. Please tell me I am not out in left field. Not that there is anything wrong with being in left field, I just didn't think I was IYSWIM.

We were married nearly 21 years ago and I didn't promise to obey. really believe in the vows i made though and so does dh. So we promised to love, honour and cherish.

'Obey' is very misunderstood. It comes from the latin 'to listen'.

Listening is not something women are too good at, and a skill that we need to practise.

Men complain consistently that they are not listened to, because the way they think is rejected by women.

'It is no use saying anything because she is right, and her way is the only way' is something men say a lot.

Sorry, NOT too good at!

What tosh!

Maybe your husband says that wobbly but I don't think your husband is a shining example to husbands everywhere is he?

Listening is something that women aren't too good at?

Nothing quite like making a sweeping generalisation, eh?

wonders if that poster was the minister I referred to earlier

I did not say obey; I was married in 1983 in the US Episcopal Church (the one OP refers to as having voted to eliminate obey in 1922). As a feminist, I would have found any expectation, by DH or anyone else, that I should promise to obey highly objectionable.

The origin of the verb to obey is as follows:

Middle English obeien, from Anglo-French obeir, from Latin oboedire, from ob- toward + -oedire (akin to audire to hear)

However its meaning in English is as follows:

1: to follow the commands or guidance of
2: to conform to or comply with

I don't think it has anything to do with listening, unless you are having difficulty hearing your orders :)

I think I had the option to obey in a registry office wedding in the '90's, but definable didn't in the Catholic convalidation ceremony.

I presumed it was just because the priest knew me.

A friend mentioned recently that she had promised to obey in her ceremony, it was a civil ceremony, she said she wasn't offered any choice of vows, was just told 'these are the vows'. That's only a few years ago. We're in NI though, and I know the law regarding marriage can differ here, so that might explain it.

Married in 1990 and certainly didn't promise to obey.

I find it astonishing that any woman in this day and age would even consider wanting to say it.

The words sound nice? Why not think about the meaning of the words you have used?

is this something which is particularly relevant to evangelical churches or evangelical ministers in the COE? I ask because I have Baptist friends and this is their take on marriage. The man has to lead (spiritually and otherwise) within the family and the wife has to acquiese in the decisions her dh makes. In the families I know the women are all strong characters and quite capable of putting their views forward but the final word does rest with their husbands. Also the men sort of take control at their Bible reading/discussion sessions- at least that was my impression. As one of these men explained to me (he is also a pastor) the man submits to God and the wife submits to her husband knowing he is endeavouring to do God's will for the benefit of the family. They are sort of pulling on the same rope.

It is a bit strange for me seeing it from the outside and not much liking the sound of obeying your husband but I suppose if both people in the marriage have the same view of religion, this concept of obeying and protecting might work. Where that is not the case, say one of them or both of them have a different view on religion and marriage, it would be an ugly thing to demand obedience.

I wouldn't be comfortable vowing to obey anyone.

I'd sooner eat my arm then get married.
However, obey I'd leave in. As a pp said my oh would not 'order' me to do anything, its mutual respect surely?

Then why the need to have the word in anyway?

Married in 2001. No obey here.

My 21 year old cousin said obey when she married a few years ago. The non evangelical people I was sitting with nearly fell off their chairs. I was astounded any woman in this day and age says it. I've been to tonnes of weddings, that's the only time I've heard it.

No way!
Married in 2006, C of E, and yes I was given the option.

The concept of vowing to obay your husband shoulderaiser eased by the church along with the ban on women bishops.

My mum did vow to obey in 1975 though.

just wondering where the protecting your wife thing came from. In the Bible it says the man should love his wife as Christ loved the church and she should submit to him or accept his authority. At least I think so

There seems to be some judgement (from a minority) on people?s choice of vows. Surely people should be able to say what they like as long as THEY are happy with it? Surely equality is all about women being considered intellectually equal to men, and able to make their own decisions without being judged? If a women chooses to say ?obey? in her vows that should be up to her and she shouldn?t be made to feel bad for that, especially in the name of equality. In the same way I don?t think SAHMs should be made to feel bad for not choosing to return to work. I?m sure people will disagree but as other people?s vows are nothing to do with anyone else, does it really matter?

This isn't in relation to the OP, I am completely in agreement that if you don't want to say obey you shouldn't.

I meant no disrepect wrt your marriage vows. Sorry if I caused offence.

I wasn't aiming that at you ZZZ :)

No. My grandmother refused to say obey when she gog married in the 1930s. It's not in the bible (only children and slaves are instructed to "obey") and IIRC it's not even in one of the early marriage services.

It's just crap.

It's not in the bible

Except in Ephesians 5 v 22 and 1 Peter 3 v 1...

Read your bible again, MrsGSR: it says "submit", not "obey". The words are also different in the original Greek.

I find it interesting in the context of the church's opposition to gay marriage, that it would seem different sex couples also have differing ideas of what marriage means. Team captain?

The definition of obey is to 'submit to', and some translations do use the word obey. I'm not saying that was they original intent, just explaining where the vow came from.