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Original poster

Quick poll - if you got married in church, did you choose to 'obey'

168 replies

Wuldric · 15/06/2013 21:24

And did anyone you know choose to obey?

After 22 years of marriage DH told me how very shocked he was when I told him I wasn't going to obey. He seemed not to blink an eyelid at the time. Apparently he was surprised by my radical feminism and how far out I was.

But was it radical? Really?

On September 12, 1922, the Episcopal Church voted to remove the word "obey" from the bride's section of wedding vows. Other churches of the Anglican Communion each have their own authorized prayer books which in general follow the vows described above though the details and languages used do vary.

So women were ditching the obey as far back as 1922. Please tell me I am not out in left field. Not that there is anything wrong with being in left field, I just didn't think I was IYSWIM.

OP posts:
FrancescaBell · 15/06/2013 23:10

Absolutely not.

Neither of us would have agreed to it and it was never suggested. Mid eighties it was.

HollyBerryBush · 15/06/2013 23:11

My mother didn't obey in 1951!

I cant remember - I might have, but only because the opposite line is 'endow thee with my worldly goods' .... you knock a bit of worldly good coming your way Grin

Awks · 15/06/2013 23:11

Married 24 years and no obey here. No drama either - noone batted an eyelid and I thought nothing of it either, it just seemed ridiculous.

singmelullabies · 15/06/2013 23:16

No, would never countenance it.
Also took out the line about "Who gives this woman to be married" and the business of my father giving my hand to the vicar who passes it over to my husband Hmm. You can't give something away unless you own it.

MrsGSR · 15/06/2013 23:54

I said obey as my husband really wanted to say protect (I'm perfectly capable of protecting myself but love that he wants to). The vicar explained it as we're a team, he's just the team captain. We make all decisions together and so far haven't disagreed on anything but if we did he'd have final say. Personally I like that as it means a disagreement won't turn into an argument as we've already decided how to handle it. I know he'll always choose what's best for us both as he promised to protect. It works for us, but I respect that every couple is different, no one else's opinions should matter when it comes to your vows.

DramaAlpaca · 16/06/2013 00:02

Married in 1990 and no way was I saying obey!

And no way would DH have expected me to.

KittyAndTheFontanelles · 16/06/2013 00:03

Catholic church- wasn't asked to obey.

pinkyredrose · 16/06/2013 00:47

MrsGSR you sound very young and naive, I'm guessing you haven't been married long.

Startail · 16/06/2013 00:53

No!!!
The vicar smiled at me and said I assume you won't want to say obey.

Since he was well aware of the fact that I'm an atheist and DH was his churches alter boy, he already knew DH and I had to agree to disagree sometimes.

ladymariner · 16/06/2013 00:54

MrsGSR why would your dh have the final say? What if he was wrong, it can happen.....

Happily married for 20 years, definitely didn't obey!

Startail · 16/06/2013 00:59

Pink I have a DF who takes exactly MRSGSR's view and she's been married a year longer than me, i.e. 24 years.

Since she has a first class degree is a view that utterly mystifies me.

I wanted to mean every word of my vows and I've never 100% obeyed my parents or teachers, so I couldn't imagine promising to obey DH.

LayMeDown · 16/06/2013 01:05

Married in an extremely traditional Catholic parish (just happened to be where we lived at time) into an extremely Catholic family (DH is RC but not to his parents standards). The priest said it was not part of the vows. As far as i remmber he did say you could opt to include it, but he had never seen it, nor would he recommmend it. an unhealthy dynamic to start married life on, or words to that effct. i didnt like the man, but his views on marriage as a joining of equals was spot on. ILs never commented on absence, so I assume thi means it does not form part of traditional vows.

LayMeDown · 16/06/2013 01:06

RC ones I mean

GwendolineMaryLacey · 16/06/2013 01:35

Married 2000, RC ceremony. No intention of obeying and wasn't asked to.

exoticfruits · 16/06/2013 06:49

You must have had a very old fashioned vicar, MrsGSR, I would have laughed if he had said that DH was to be the 'team captain' - no wonder I hated team games! I have no objection to working as a team with DH BUT only as equal partners. There is no room in my marriage for a 'captain' and I can't see why he should have the final say.

SnookyPooky · 16/06/2013 07:00

I didn't say it. Married in 2001.

lazydog · 16/06/2013 07:03

Married in an RC church here too - and been to millions lots of Catholic cousins' weddings in England and S.Ireland - to "obey" was never used in any of them.

Original poster
Wuldric · 16/06/2013 07:14

Thanks for your responses

I too am fascinated as to what prompts obey. I understand the concept of it being a return for protection, I understand the implications that the groom is the 'team captain', and I understand the appeal of an older tradition.

Is this how it works in the marriage though?

OP posts:
ElenorRigby · 16/06/2013 07:27

My SIL promised to obey my control freak brother, more fool her. I was gobsmacked when I heard it during the ceremony!
Not worked out to well for her though given that she confided in me he's beaten her up on more than one occasion.Angry

Badvoc · 16/06/2013 07:30

Married in 1999.
I didn't promise to "obey".
Don't think it really came up as an issue.

exoticfruits · 16/06/2013 07:31

I can understand all the 'protection bit' BUT not in the 21st century- or even the second half of the 20th century.

exoticfruits · 16/06/2013 07:32

It was probably to do with men walking on the outside with their swords!

Jellibotti · 16/06/2013 07:35

I haven't read the whole thread so may repeating what someone else has said, but... The beautiful old words

exoticfruits · 16/06/2013 07:51

You can still have the 'beautiful old words' - you are only missing out a very few!

Jellibotti · 16/06/2013 08:02

Oops. Dropped my phone. What was I saying...

I very nearly had a huge falling out with my father (yes, you heard that right, my father thought my wedding vows were his business!?) over the order of service. At the time, the choice was between 1662 Book of Common Prayer, with its beautiful, solemn, magical words or the dreadful ASB Rite A. There was another version, which was basically 1662 minus obey which was set out in 1928, but apparently hadn't actually ever been passed for use in the Church of England (or some such, can't remember the ins and outs)
My father was horrified that I would contemplate using the modern form, just to avoid saying 'obey'. I told him in no uncertain terms that I most definitely would and would strap tambourines to my ankles, strum on the guitar and ask a Low churchman in a suit to take the service if he said one more word.
Anyway, either the 1928 was approved or my father backed down, I'm not sure which, was a long time ago, but we did get to use the 1928 words in the ends. Wonderful words, no obey. Perfect.