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Original poster

This seems a pointless exercise to me...

123 replies

moolamoo · 15/06/2013 13:02

As stated in the title, a man I have been seeing has told me he needs something from me that seems quite pointless...a week with no contact, to 'think'.

He ended things a few weeks ago, due to him not being in the right head space or something, and has gone through periods of telling me he needs to leave me alone, then saying he cant do that as something keeps drawing him back.

He came round for a talk last night. The gist of what he said is thay he cant work out whether he is madly in love with m or hates me...because I infuriate him so much beyond the point anyone ever has when we argue (I do push things quite far) but at the very same time he is so deeply drawn to me and I make him smile inside (a phrase i have never quite understood).
He doesnt feel like he wants to lose all contact, I make him happier than anyone ever has, we connect so deeply and he has felt pure joy when we have just messed around having a laugh...but doesnt feel like we have a future as he doesnt feel that core 'want' htobbe with me, date me etc.
But then he looked pained and asked why he doesnt feel that want to be with me, given that he feels all that other stuff for me.

We ended up in bed but he couldnt 'do' anything, saying it wasnt right if at this moment in time he cant envisage a future for us.

He then said that he wants/needs a week with no contact between us, so he can work out how he truly feels, whether the attraction is just physical or something more.

I have agreed, as I think the space will enable me to start to move on; as I really feel he cant gain the necessary feelings in 7 days and I dont see how he can work anything out in this time?

Can anyone shed any light on what he might be hoping to achieve? it just seems pointless to me.

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 15/06/2013 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasingStaplers · 15/06/2013 13:08

Everything else aside:

'I infuriate him so much beyond the point anyone ever has when we argue'

Red flag.

He doesn't know whether he loves or hates you?
Another red flag.

Run, run away!
Trust me, nothing good will come out of a relationship with this man.

catballou · 15/06/2013 13:08

W.ell what do you feel in all this? You've only given his side. Do you like him? Love him? How old are you?

EllieArroway · 15/06/2013 13:13

Seriously - tell him to go fuck himself.

Why should you waste even 10 seconds of your time waiting to see if he hates you or loves you?

It's entirely up to him, is it, whether there's a relationship or not? How arrogant.

BabyStone · 15/06/2013 13:13

Sounds to me like he is messing you around. Any guy that wants to be with you just when it is convenient for them isn't worth knowing in my opinion. He can't just like you one moment then drop you the next. I wouldn't have any contact with him in the next 7days or anytime after that. He can't make up his mind if he "is in love with you" or "hates you", what's that all about?! A load of crap! Id be trying my best to stay away from him

Dumbledorable · 15/06/2013 13:14

I'd be running for the hills.

The poor tortured soul sounds like an utter arse!

meditrina · 15/06/2013 13:14

He's playing games - he's dangling the prospect that if you somehow become "good enough" you can have him as a reward. Just enough contact to keep you on a piece of string.

He's telling you that he's a messed up individual. Believe him.

On the assumption that you want to be someone's partner, not their nursemaid, I suggest you get in touch to tell him that this isn't working from your point of view and that he need not be back in touch.

Original poster
moolamoo · 15/06/2013 13:16

Well I did pick up on the 'hate' comment and he just said he keeps coming back, not able to just cut me out and never speak to me again. I think the hate word was used just as a polar opposite to the love comment tbh. Its the sort of thing i would say.

I'm putting up with (if you mean the week to think) because I can use it as cold turkey, if you like. A means to start to move on as I said.

I dont know how I feel if I'm honest. Kind of the same as he seems to; I care about him but cant call it love, but we have both been through a lot lately (seperately) so its caused a lot of hassle which we could both do without, but dont feel able or want to stop contact altogether. I dont think either of us are ready for a relationship so we would both need to put that on a back burner for a good while, but dont see what difference a week will make, whereas he sema to be pinnung everything on it.

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 15/06/2013 13:17

Good grief, are you dating my ex?

You have enough red flags to make bunting

KatieScarlett2833 · 15/06/2013 13:18

Not again!

Original poster
moolamoo · 15/06/2013 13:20

thanks, there is a lot of backstory I cant go into in case a family member of mine recognises me, he is putting it more as wants to be able to see a future for us, as he could before we split, but over the 2 weeks before he ended things we were deteriorating quickly and now he doesnt know why he cant see a future for us when everything else is right.

OP posts:
Original poster
moolamoo · 15/06/2013 13:22

katiescarlett, pardon?

OP posts:
Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 15/06/2013 13:26

How long have you been seeing him?

All seems a bit too intense?

He does sound very fucked up.

I'd run for the hills if I were you. It's all so very draining.

HollyBerryBush · 15/06/2013 13:27

because I infuriate him so much beyond the point anyone ever has when we argue (I do push things quite far)

You've admitted pushing his buttons. So as much as other posters will be stating 'red flag' - I think you're giving him the red flag in a relationship. Why would you want to see how far you can push him? What purpose does that serves?

I dont think either of us are ready for a relationship

you've answered your own question

Walkacrossthesand · 15/06/2013 13:27

The scenario sounds similar to one in a long thread a few weeks back, Moola, involving a man who worked at poster's DCs school - hence katiescarletts comment (i think). If this isn't another thread about 'janny' (and I wondered the same) then all well and good. MNers have accurate and long memories! Grin

Helltotheno · 15/06/2013 13:28

Yes exactly, pointless exercise, the whole thing. Waste of oxygen, waste of words, waste of your time. Move on.

Mumsyblouse · 15/06/2013 13:33

You do have a choice here, and the obvious one is to move on from this very flaky guy. But it is your choice and that's what you have to remember.

Protego · 15/06/2013 13:35

I have to agree with the comments here - unless of course you have masochistic tendencies?

EleanorHandbasket · 15/06/2013 13:36

Oh it's Janitor man again.

For fuck's sake, love.

Somethingtothinkabout · 15/06/2013 13:39

Katie, I thought the same Hmm

If this man is a Janitor, I think you should leave him alone.

He he's not a janitor, I think you should leave well alone anyway, he's causing too much drama, no need.

KatieScarlett2833 · 15/06/2013 13:42

Surely there can't be two janny lovers? If I am mistaken, I am sorry OP, but it sounds so familiar....

quietlysuggests · 15/06/2013 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 15/06/2013 13:43

e has s problem with commitment and he is also testing the boundaries to see how much shit you will put up with

how much shit will you put up with ?

Kernowgal · 15/06/2013 13:45

Several months into our relationship, and a few days after a holiday during which he'd behaved horribly to me, my (now ex) partner admitted that he wasn't in love with me, but was very fond of me, and wanted to see how things went. I was devastated and tied myself into knots trying to make everything amazing after that.

However, what I should have done is told him to go fuck himself. The sheer arrogance of it all. The truth was that he was a nasty piece of work who got kicks out of me grovelling to him. I kick myself for letting him dangle a carrot like that and being grateful for it.

I deserved more and so do you.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 15/06/2013 13:52

reclaim www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/list-of-posts/ makes good reading.

What you have is a Mr Unavailable. Move on, as quickly and completely as you are able. This tortured soul will just mess with your head and drag you down with him.

Cold turkey, and sticking to no contact, is actually the only remedy. Well done for identifying that that is what you need to do.