This seems a pointless exercise to me...

[moolamoo]

As stated in the title, a man I have been seeing has told me he needs something from me that seems quite pointless...a week with no contact, to 'think'.

He ended things a few weeks ago, due to him not being in the right head space or something, and has gone through periods of telling me he needs to leave me alone, then saying he cant do that as something keeps drawing him back.

He came round for a talk last night. The gist of what he said is thay he cant work out whether he is madly in love with m or hates me...because I infuriate him so much beyond the point anyone ever has when we argue (I do push things quite far) but at the very same time he is so deeply drawn to me and I make him smile inside (a phrase i have never quite understood).
He doesnt feel like he wants to lose all contact, I make him happier than anyone ever has, we connect so deeply and he has felt pure joy when we have just messed around having a laugh...but doesnt feel like we have a future as he doesnt feel that core 'want' htobbe with me, date me etc.
But then he looked pained and asked why he doesnt feel that want to be with me, given that he feels all that other stuff for me.

We ended up in bed but he couldnt 'do' anything, saying it wasnt right if at this moment in time he cant envisage a future for us.

He then said that he wants/needs a week with no contact between us, so he can work out how he truly feels, whether the attraction is just physical or something more.

I have agreed, as I think the space will enable me to start to move on; as I really feel he cant gain the necessary feelings in 7 days and I dont see how he can work anything out in this time?

Can anyone shed any light on what he might be hoping to achieve? it just seems pointless to me.

[NutellaLawson]

this it's a technique used by men similar to 'negging' (worth googling as an eye opener). It is used to make you feel you good and bad all at once. you feel you could almost nearly have him if only you just worked a bit harder to convince him you're worth it.

This man is manipulating you. Run.

[NutellaLawson]

oh, and his not sleeping with you is part of the technique.

[TheNewSchmoo]

OK, so you don't want advice, you want to know what he is achieving by this behaviour. He is messing you about and keeping you warm. I suspect he doesn't really want to commit, but you are "handy".

My advice, although you don't want it, is to end it and keep it ended, I suspect however that you are as addicted to the dysfunction and drama as he is.

[moolamoo]

Nutella no it wasnt like that. We did stuff....all focused on me, just not full sex. He also said that at least when we dont have sex he gets to touch and be close/kiss me for 4 or 5 hours rather than minutes. Lol.

I know i am sounding like im making excuses but some things people have said are just purely wrong.

He is over dramatic as i said, but i wont be ending things right now just because I want to see which way he plays things after the week he needed has ended.

[EllieArroway]

I had a relationship along similar lines once. In my case, I was fed the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line.

I was very, very young - he was much, much older. I took the Mills and Boon view that he was struggling with his feelings for me, and he was in turmoil.

Wrong. He wanted to carry on fucking me without getting any of the earache & demands I was throwing at him. It just took him a while to figure out whether the one was worth the other.

People are never confused by their feelings/in turmoil, scared of being in love bullshit - that's stories we tell ourselves so that we don't have to deal with rejection.

I don't think he wants you. Sorry.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"he needs in his life, someone who "will chalenge me and make me see where I am going wrong"."

Bloody hell, how long has he been on the waiting list for a spine donor? I can't decide if he's being manipulative or just pathetic but you're not responsible for his personal development, you're not his mentor or tutor and you're not his therapist ... Maybe get yourself a grown-up next time?

[moolamoo]

Agree again Cogito :-)

I really do think he thinks he is in turmoil and its not a manipulation thing.

Hes very much the type to say "fix me" and call me his counsellor.

I DO have issues so I was very conflicted with my feelings for someone in the past, difference is I got counselling whereas he isnt bothering to try and 'fix' himself.

there are people who have always been in relationships for fear of being alone (I had a friend like that) and at some point they realise what theyre doing and make a conscious decision to be alone for a while. Before last night, this is what he said his decision was.

[eimihi]

You said it was really just a casual question on a boring afternoon, simply wondering what was the purpose of his wanting a week away from you thinking about it.

Well, perhaps he doesn't want to get too emotionally involved with you? Perhaps he's been hurt before in some way and knows it can be dangerous to lose control? Perhaps he's really very selfish and just doesn't like the idea of maybe ending up getting deeper and deeper and eventually sharing his life with you and having to make compromises for any woman? Perhaps he doesn't feel that any woman is worth losing complete independence and freedom for, if it came to that? Perhaps he' was very content being a bachelor before he met you? Perhaps your financial situation concerns him? Maybe you've got little or no savings and he has? perhaps he isn't keen on spending money on you for going out on dates? Perhaps he feels inferior socially and isn't at all comfortable that he'd be a disappointment to your family?

Perhaps he has a very low sex drive and other than nice company at a time of his own choosing, preferably, women have never been that important to him? Perhaps he fears you could become very clingy and he finds that off putting because he never wanted a woman dependent on him. It's too much of a responsibility for his liking?

He must be saying to himself surely, "Can i live quite happily without this woman in my life? Or do I need her? Really though? But where would all my inner strength and self-sufficiency have gone if i were to start thinking I have to have her? I don't really need her, do I? She's going to be an added responsibility. My life is going to get hugely complicated and changed if i develop this relationship further. She seems quite keen, actually let me sleep with her, so she must be! Perhaps my not doing anything in bed with her will warn her that I have serious doubts that this is for me. I need time. I just need time to weigh up all this. If she'd just give me time on my own to work all this out."

I think he'll be weighing the pros and the cons very carefully of you in his life, intruding into it, so to speak, and will be trying to decide what is best for him, not you, him. Maybe he doesn't have any strong desire for any woman's love? Maybe he just isn't very emotional or needy at all and has some fascinating interests, and male friends that take up lots of his time.

He simply can't be very physically attracted to you if he could lie in bed with you, a woman he likes, and one whose body he hasn't explored and never had sex with (always a thrill for many a man!)... yet he could resist all this and not do anything? It's amazing! Did he not even get an erection of some sort by just being close beside you? Did he not even get aroused? If nothing else, he must have a low sex drive. I don't think this is at all usual for a man to be like that. You must have been shocked that nothing happened! Did you not feel insulted?

It sounds like he's just not really looking for a girlfriend particularly, doesn't really need one but you've appeared, a bit of a complication for him and he needs to think about it and all the implications of a relationship other than platonic friendship with you. He doesn't want rushed or swept off his feet emotionally by you or anyone. He wants logic and control in every region of his life. He wants to be his own man. He maybe feels that if he ever needs a girlfriend he'll be able to pick one up without too much difficulty.

None of this is very flattering or upbuilding for you. I'm sorry. But anyway, I'm obviously only guessing about his thoughts and might well be far wrong.

On a lonely afternoon I've tried to answer your exact question as honestly and as best I can. It's a case of puzzling out the thoughts that might be going on inside another person's head. Not very easy. Impossible, in fact.

So how do you feel about this? Would you really like a man to fall helplessly in love with you? And not be able to resist you? Don't you want romance of some kind? Rather than a man making calculations about how you might complicate his life?
Or are you not really that bothered about needing a man in your life? I just wondered.

[BOF]

I'm guessing that this gets to 657 posts.

Which is about three hours of my life I will never get back. I might as well watch The Assassination Of Jesse James again.

[RoooneyMara]

I would move on whatever he thinks...seriously, he just isn't worth it.

And I don't care if you are the other poster or not - assuming you're not, then just walk away. You don't have to stick around and wait for him to sort himself out.

He is messing you about big time - I know because I had one of these about 2 years ago, he kept saying, no future, bla bla bla and then wanting to shag me.

I got sick of it in the end and dumped him. He still tries to be 'friends' with me but he can get to fuck really - not because he's a twat but because I haven't got the energy.

[moolamoo]

eimihi Well, no. I'm not fussed about having a man in my life.

He does want a relationship; what he calls a "24-7" relationship, or at least says he does.

Yes he was aroused, says he is whenever he is around me, always makes all these comments about how im the most beautiful woman hes ever seen or been with (I'm not), he just focused on me first and we both ended up too tired for full sex. we have had sex before though as we were seeing each other for quite a while.

He just keeps saying things along the lines of he keeps choosing people based on looks and it always ges wrong after a year or so, he needs to be alone for a while to work on himself so he is in the right place to meet someone for the right reasons, and needs to work out if he feels strongly because its a crush or something more.

But yes, could be just his way of letting me down gently or something.

[RoooneyMara]

Well he obviously hasn't made his mind up yet at any rate.

I don't think he should expect you to wait for him to. I think you should say, actually a week is nothing - go away for at least a month and tHEN come back and see if I'm still here.

And meanwhile you go about your normal life, and take up some dates or whatever and just do your thing.

[moolamoo]

rooneymara - and yes, if he was trying to sleep with me i would put him firmly in the twat category, but he says he cant. And refuses to even meet up until he works out how he feels about me, last night I initiated him staying over, he was ready for leaving until I kissed him & asked him to stay. Yes he could have still left but hey.

[RoooneyMara]

Fwiw - how do you feel about him? Do you fancy him? Love him? Just think he's funny/interesting and willing to give it a go?

Because it doesn't sound like you are all that bothered.

[RoooneyMara]

Oh sorry I didn't read the thread properly - I can see you answered that in the first few posts.

Hmmm...I would just let him do what the hell he likes for a week. or forever

It's not sounding like the love affair of the century, and that's how it should feel, if you are going to get it on properly.

Otherwise it is just playing out some issues on each other.

[eimihi]

You should say, "A week's far too short really. Let's make it a month and see how we feel then. I may have moved on. Who knows? Not meant as a threat but honestly, I've just no idea what'll happen.
See you, maybe chat in a month. or so. Ok?"

See how he reacts to that! If you're not that bothered you can do this.

[TondelayoSchwarzkopf]

Hmm. I've read the York Notes edition Wuthering Heights and I've read this thread. Wuthering Heights is much more interesting the Kate Bush song anyway.

He sounds like a manipulative twat, emotionally abusive and really not that into you. You haven't listened to anyone and show no signs of accepting this reality. I really hope you wake up to it for your own sake.

[RoooneyMara]

I always wondered what Wuthering heights was about...a lot of wailing involved I think... not a great reader myself

[moolamoo]

No signs of accepting it? All ive said is im curious as to whether i will get complete silence in a weeks time, or. a long 'poor me" text.
Ive said ive deleted all traces of him from my phone. How is that not accepting it? :-/

rooneymara - dont know tbh. As it stands now I think hes the sexiest person ever (looks and just general demeanour) and like spending time with him, but feel like when I get the 'its finally over' text week I wont exactly start sobbing like a banshee over it.

So.maybe I wasnt really that into him, either. shrugs

[Somethingtothinkabout]

Well, now we know how this thread is going to go. Same, as the last, and the one before, and the one before that:

OP - Help me understand this man
MN - He's just not that into you
OP - I think he is, I'm not that bothered about him, I don't need a man
MN (x800)- Move on and don't waste anymore of your time
OP - No I think I'll keep flogging a dead horse and keep posting, talking about how I'm not that bothered but bombarding him with texts and when he tried to leave my house after dumping me I begged him to stay and hid his shoes so he couldn't leave, then he slept in my bed but couldn't have sex because he's nearly twice my age and has ED problems.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I'm out

But might come back for Donkey's next chart-topper.

[moolamoo]

What?!

[CVSFootPowder]

I'm waiting for Donkey again too.
I believe the last rendition was created with the help of a single small glass of .
As it's Saturday night, I'm hoping that donkey is planning to imbibe again
Yes Donkey, I have been humming the bastard tune as you predicted!

[RoooneyMara]

Guys I don't know if she is the same person but I think it's a bit unfair to start suggesting she is, in case, yunno, she's not. Like last time when everyone thought it was me?

OP - there was a thread a bit like yours a few weeks ago so everyone thinks it's them again. It could be. But we don't know that so fttb benefit of the doubt.

[moolamoo]

Well if you think I'm a janitor or shoe stealer or whoever else and you have nothing to offer in the way of advice, why not post on the other persons thread instead of mine?

[RoooneyMara]

I hope you are Ok. Don't worry about it. MN is odd