DP has declared he can't look past my weight the way he could when we got together

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

NCed for this as think a couple of the school mums might know I'm on here.

Dp's working away from home at the moment which does make me think perhaps he says things he doesn't mean at times, but he's been coming out with more and more things like this recently and it's getting harder to just dismiss it as him being tired. His latest 'fault' is that he didn't mind my weight too much when we first got together, but he does now. If anything I think I'm lighter now than I was a few years ago- I think. He thinks I'm lazy and not disciplined enough and I'm not making enough effort for him- he works away a lot and sometimes I think he expects to come home to perfection- perfectly tidy house, etc. I'm not sure what I'm asking really, just came to a head last night and I don't want to tell anyone in RL, my family think he's fab (which he normally is).

I suspect mothers side with an abusive ex because they think it is all about them and therefore if their daughter can't keep hold of a man they thinks it reflects on them as their DD is probably similar in looks, etc.

oh good. glad your mum got in her car to come to you.

OP I know you've struggled to explain your weight / shape.. I am a similar height & weight and I know exactly what you mean in terms of 'puppy fat'... You just hold the little weight you have in areas that teenage / developing girls tend to do... Is that right?
For what it's worth I am a good 10yrs older and I still carry it in a similar way... I am not skinny but in no stretch of the imagination am I fat... In fact I am curvy where women are supposed to be curvy

I have had similar comments from an ex - it's one of the reasons he's an ex... It's hurtful and spiteful - you are doing the right thing and your mum all those years ago appears to have said it in a different way because you weren't hurt by it, in fact it made sense to you...
My mum told me I was fat so I understand the difference
Also for what it's worth my mum and sister are also similar heights but were super petite in their 20 / early 30s so there was a constant reminder to how I could be (which my mother pointed out a lot) but I have bigger hips & shoulders and huge knockers so I soon realised it was unrealistic... In fact when I lost a lot of weight when I was breast feeding I found that people were commenting that I looked really unwell - the lack of curves really did not suit me Thankfully as my son took more food & less milk the weight went back to normal

I have never let my mothers comments affect me - rather I have unpicked them logically like you are - by weighing myself, staying a health weight range & keeping my head when, like all women, I have not been happy with my weight.

Be strong - love yourself and look after DD

Oh god yes, I have only recently realised my mother actually has Food Ishoos (my formerly anorexic sister pointed this out) and that I am not a huge fat heifer (I am slightly shorter than you, I am a size 10 also with hips, shoulders and huge knockers ). Hang on in there.

Bit of a progression, I managed to get hold of P earlier and told him I was ending things. He completely flipped, don't think he was expecting it actually. Lots of insults thrown at me, mainly that I'm lucky he'll have me because I'm fat and unattractive and I won't get anyone else. He did want to negotiate time off work to come home and 'fix things' originally, but told him not to bother.

My mum is brilliant, I agree.

That's it Doris, much better way of putting it. Mine is all hip and belly fat left that won't shift, the bit you get just before you have a growth spurt and your body stretches out and matures, except I've been waiting for that part for about 10 years I was like that all over but the rest of it disappeared a few years ago. P has been specific in that it's this area his has a problem with. As I don't think it's diet, I exercise regularly and don't look 'fat' I'd accepted it as the way I'm built and not given it much thought, do want to try and get rid of it now though.

I'm hoping he'll tell his mum in a few days and she can come and clear his stuff out, I'm certainly not keeping it here until August now it's over.

I don't understand why you are still giving his "you are too fat" comments headspace

even though you have dumped him, you are still second-guessing his ridiculous comments

dump those issues immediately

Oh, just put his stuff in black bags and tell his mum to come and pick it up next weekend or you'll bin it.

Eee what a cheeky shit he is. You're well rid.

I'm trying to get his digs out of my head, it's not as easy as it sounds. Have emailed his mum, wasn't brave enough to call her and really can't predict whether he's likely to tell her or not. My mum wants to call him and shout at him, I'm holding her off. I'm also getting the locks changed tomorrow, I know I'm paranoid but it'll make me feel better. He's tried to call me since the last time we spoke but I've rejected his calls, lord only knows what he thinks is left to be said.

As in have emailed his mum to get her to come and clear his crap out my house.

What a horrible horrible man. for you OP

Well done to both you OP and your mum

He knows he isn't good enough for you and wants to bring you down with him.

I would imagine you have the type of shape that catches my eye in women and I'm straight doris said it perfectly.

What an arsehole.

What an utter shit he is. You do realise, rain, that he is saying all those things to you because by dumping him you have won?

He thought he could keep you emotionally needy and dependent by putting you down and now you're wise to him, prioritising your DD and not putting up with his crap, and he can't handle it. You and your DM should sit down and celebrate with a lovely or because you are bloody marvellous.

You can now start working on your self-esteem and you will have that moment when you look in the mirror and all you see is a strong, independent, gorgeous woman who deserves a real man.

Well done. Utter shit he is.

Waddlecakes, you have a lot to learn.

OP, what a vile man. He doesn't deserve you.

Please do not waste any time imagining there is something wrong with your body shape. His comments would be completely unacceptable even if you were overweight - there's a marked difference between someone gently suggesting you could stand to lose a few pounds but they still love you and "you are fat and unattractive to me and therefore worthless" which is basically what he is saying to you - EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT FAT. This is purely a vulnerability in your self-esteem which he is exploiting. It could be anything - he doesn't care as long as he can feel he has power over you. You telling him to fuck off demonstrates that his power is gone. And thank god for that.

Definitely change the locks, and focus your efforts on rebuilding your self-esteem. You are far too awesome - at any weight you choose - for a such a tosser.

Silent cheering here for you Rain!

Well done!

Is the house in your name? Will you be ok financially? Not sure what the situation is with your dd but presuming you candothis on your own.

I actually feel a tiny bit sorry for him now, tried to call me again and my mum answered

House is in my name, finances are separate for lots of complicated reasons, we do have a joint account but not really used. A lot of the time we're not living together anyway because of his job and my job so in some ways nothing really changes I suppose.

Feeling fairly shitty about myself in all honesty but glad he's gone.

I think you should take some time with dd and your mum and do something to make yourself feel good.

Rain

Don't bother trying to get rid of it - it is just who you are and you are a healthy weight x

And for what it's worth even nearly a stone & half down I still had hips, belly and thigh to be proud of.

Ignore the bastard as well as leave him xxxx

It's the same thing I was teased over at school though doris, and my mum's 'it'll go eventually' explanation doesn't seem to be running true. It's not so much I'm unhappy with the way I look, I'm unhappy at being made to feel unhappy IYSWIM. But then with my luck at the moment I probably won't be able to get it off even if I do try. Feel a bit muddled really.

well done is all i can say

and i love your mum

Well you have just shed a large amount of useless weight.....him!

Love your mum