DP has declared he can't look past my weight the way he could when we got together

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

NCed for this as think a couple of the school mums might know I'm on here.

Dp's working away from home at the moment which does make me think perhaps he says things he doesn't mean at times, but he's been coming out with more and more things like this recently and it's getting harder to just dismiss it as him being tired. His latest 'fault' is that he didn't mind my weight too much when we first got together, but he does now. If anything I think I'm lighter now than I was a few years ago- I think. He thinks I'm lazy and not disciplined enough and I'm not making enough effort for him- he works away a lot and sometimes I think he expects to come home to perfection- perfectly tidy house, etc. I'm not sure what I'm asking really, just came to a head last night and I don't want to tell anyone in RL, my family think he's fab (which he normally is).

Seems like the weight thing is a catalyst not the major issue. I can resonate on the mother front.

FWIW my mother told me I needed to lose weight constantly as a teen because she had major weight issues. I was 5' and 8st at the time. I've spent my entire adult life thinking I'm fat and it's only now at 10.5st when I actually am overweight (and I've lost 10lbs to get here) that I realise I was fine before. That feeling is shit, IMO because I didn't enjoy being 'young and beautiful' because I didn't realise I was...

Don't let this guy put you in that space.

"He's trying to go down the route of he hasn't cheated but could I blame him if he had"

Uhhhh.... what the fuck? Of course you could blame him! I don't even understand what he means.

I don't know the circumstances of the guardianship, but probably what your DD needs right now is love and kindness and stability. If your DP can't provide that wholeheartedly then forget him.

It sounds like his laying the ground work, by trying to make you insecure about yourself, so that in his warped little mind, he can justify his reasons for cheating.

I realise this is anecdotal, but when I met my DP I had 2 children already (single mum) and I guess must be the same dress size as you. I also had/have a wrinkled, stretch-marked tummy (looks a bit like a deflated airbag ). My DP has never made me feel anything less than gorgeous; even when I carried DS3 and felt like a whale, he still made it clear he thought I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever met.

Don't allow this loser to bring you down x

*his should be he's, sorry.

He says not cheated but could I blame him if he had??

No excuse for that, it's bang out of order. That does change things and I'd seriously think before making him a fixture in your DD's life.

He's trying to go down the route of he hasn't cheated but could I blame him if he had

All the reasons why you should show him the door and put his stuff in bin bags on the drive right there in that little sentence. Twunt.

If he builds a relationship with DD and then pulls this self absorbed childish shit it could be awful for her. You need to be able to trust he will not hurt you or her, and that seems difficult from his recent behaviour. You have a child now and she comes first, before you but especially before him.

I think I've more or less decided I have to finish things with him if I'm perfectly honest with myself. All else aside, DD's been mucked around enough and it's not fair to put her through another muck around again knowingly.

His argument is it's my fault for being fat and physically unattractive to him- as has been mentioned on here it's almost as if he's trying to justify it to himself. He honestly wasn't like this a few weeks ago. I almost wish I'd just ended it when I spoke to him earlier but I think I was so convinced he was going to apologise that when he went in completely the other direction he took me back a bit. I probably should have expected it really but I didn't want to. I don't really see how we can move on from some of the things he said tonight if I'm honest.

Just to clarify I really don't blame my mum, she was the one telling me it was just a phase and I would come out the other end of it when I was being teased at school. I did to a point (admittedly not until my early 20s but I did go through puberty ridiculously late), I still don't feel I have lost what she would call 'baby fat' completely but that's coming from me, not from her. I am sensible enough to know the majority of what P is telling me is crap.

I'm not going to be able to sleep now, I'm highly tempted to go round the house with a black bag and pack his stuff up.

Do it

Put bbc2 on, watch breakfast club with me and chuck his stuff the fuck out.

I'm on it chubfuddler, had to go for Secret Life of the Cat on iplayer though as starting in the bedroom and Breakfast club not available online :( I have a bin bag though and I'm clearing his stuff out of here or I won't be able to sleep in here, will work out what I'm going to do with it in the morning.

Really? It's on BBC 2 you should be able to watch online.

Bag it and out it on the doorstep.

Yes do it

I clicked on this thread with a perspective of expecting it to be a very much larger lady and feeling very torn between sympathy and my honest feeling that for me, a very large size beer gut for instance ..would matter.

8/10????? That is an impossible size for me to imagine ever getting to and haven't been that size since puberty.

He is being particularly nasty to justify his exit or affair. Chuck him. Retain your self respect

Not available online according to my iplayer app, first time I've seen that message, I'm quite disappointed! Ah but he's abroad though, he's not going to have a chance to claim it until August, is that mean?

OP, so sorry, I twigged who you were part way through too.

I think you have made the right decision.

op you said the issues started around the time dd came into your life, he might be jealous that he's now not tge be all and end all for you, it's in no way an excuse to say those things to you but he night be saying them to cover these feelings he might be having?

go for it! with you in spirit and full of admiration

Just having his stuff in bin bags in one room somewhere, if there's no relative of his you can park it all with, will be therapeutic - at least it won't be scattered round the house as if you were still together. Sounds like his feelings for you were more fragile than you realised, and the arrival of DD has been a tipping point for him. So sorry.

I agree with Steffanoid. Sounds like insecurity/panic to me. I didn't get "affair" from OP.

That's not to say you're not right to finish with him if you think that's the right thing to do for you and your daughter. He has been bang out of order.

His argument is it's my fault for being fat and physically unattractive to him

By the same twisted logic, if you had an affair it would be his fault for being a wanker and emotionally unattractive to you. With the extra justification that he is demonstrably a wanker and you are demonstrably not fat! (Not that his words would be acceptable if you were).

You might be physically unattractive to him.
But that's about him, not you. We are not physically attractive to everyone, but we usually are for those who love us.
If that really is the case, he should be leaving you. Not blaming you.

I think you are quite right to remove him from your life.

Even if he were to apologise, he'd be likely to say similar things in the future and start the inevitable cycle of abuse.
By staying I can only see your self esteem go down.

Insecurity, jealousy and panic? Oh ffs, tell him to man up.

I think he has a 2 dimensional view of you. You have gone from being red hot lover to mother overnight. In hos mind mother = frumpy and that is why he is saying these things to yoi.

In A proper 3d relationship people have layers they can be all sorts of things to each other. Mother, lover, friend, confidante, companion etc....

That is not to say it is dds fault. If she hadn't come along it would have been another part of your personality he couldnt see past in the future. This just means you were never his forever!

Sorry for typos. You know what I mean.

Another one who thinks it's the sudden change in homelife (dd) that's triggered this. He says you 'are not making enough effort with him' - ie you have more Important things in your life now than him, poor guy.

This will not change. He will not change. Get rid and concentrate on your DD.