DP has declared he can't look past my weight the way he could when we got together

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

NCed for this as think a couple of the school mums might know I'm on here.

Dp's working away from home at the moment which does make me think perhaps he says things he doesn't mean at times, but he's been coming out with more and more things like this recently and it's getting harder to just dismiss it as him being tired. His latest 'fault' is that he didn't mind my weight too much when we first got together, but he does now. If anything I think I'm lighter now than I was a few years ago- I think. He thinks I'm lazy and not disciplined enough and I'm not making enough effort for him- he works away a lot and sometimes I think he expects to come home to perfection- perfectly tidy house, etc. I'm not sure what I'm asking really, just came to a head last night and I don't want to tell anyone in RL, my family think he's fab (which he normally is).

[lydiamama]

He is being an idiot, if you are overweighted it will be always be better for you to loose some purely for health reasons, that is your husband should be worried about. I think he has some issues of his own, or he is unhappy for estress, overwork, resent you because you get to stay at home, and he has to go away often (does he like travelling?), or he is getting some female attention and got himself an EGO now.... Do not let him to put you down, if he say something about a fault of yours, you just mention one of your best qualities, and do not give it a thought. Now if he is unhappy, he needs to identify what is what he can not cope with and change it, maybe he should look for a work near home, and not take on with others (you)

[primallass]

To me, it sounds like he is not cheating, but is flailing around and trying to back out of the 'father' role. He is planting seeds of not being attracted to you as an excuse rather than saying, I don't want to be a dad.

[motherinferior]

He reminds me of a boyfriend I had at your age. I dumped him for a bloke who thought I had the body of a sex-goddess I suggest you do the same!

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

Thanks everyone for the support. I've been round the house last night and packed his stuff into bin bags (all of it I've found so far, anyway), he's car's currently in the garage so I've put them in there too. Relatives all live a few hours away unfortunately, plus I'm terrified about telling his mum, I'll let him do that. I reckon I've got a few days before I'll have to tell DD she's not going to be getting another postcard.

I think it could well be panic, but whatever it is I can't be with him if he's going to be like this, and it's too much to dismiss and excuse. After his could I blame him for cheating comment I'm really not going to be able to trust him. I like the two dimension explanation actually, that seems to sum it up quite well. I haven't actually told him I can't do this anymore yet though, I'm dreading that conversation. I don't think it's really hit me yet, I felt a bit like a weight had been lifted last night but not so much now.

I'm going to have to phone my mum later, not the faintest idea how I'm going to explain it to her, she thinks P is great (I haven't told her about any of the recent stuff and we're normally very close). And hold myself together in front of DD.

[Darkesteyes]

He doesnt deserve you OP And he doesnt deserve to be a dad.

You deserve nothing less than the best and he is nowhere near it.
And i will reiterate again that he had/has no right to say what he did whether you are a size 8 or a size 22.

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

I'm 99% I've got all his stuff packed up now, so that's something.

He's tried to call me a couple of times today but I've missed him (genuinely missed not 'missed', he did phone at a bad time but I'm not about to call him back, he wouldn't be able to answer now anyway). What I am struggling with is telling my mum what's happened, she tends to call late Saturday night/Sunday morning. I do feel quite ashamed actually, my family think P is lovely (which he was until a few weeks ago), slightly worried they're going to think I'm the one with the problem if I'm totally honest.

[AnotherLovelyCupOfTea]

You don't have to earn people's approval. You can simply say the relationship made me Unhappy. tHE relationship made me feel lonelier than being alone.

That is an 'explanation' that people can understand, accept, desist from arguing with you hopefully ... if you start saying "well, he said my bum looked big in the yellow trousers..." they will minimise it all and they just won't get it. You'll be made feel like you have no right to end the relationship.

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

She'll want to know why I was unhappy though, Another, that's the problem. You're right, it's the worry that she won't get it if I say what did happen, but I'm a crap actress when it comes to my mum and she'll know there's more to it than I'm saying. Sort of wish I could go up there really but it's about 4 hours each way and DD has school on Monday so not going to be a goer.

[Juniperdewdropofbrandy]

Your mother will come round. Mine wasn't very supportive when I left exdh. I ended up shouting and screaming at her. But that stemmed from historical things too.

Just tell her the truth. You have nothing to hide.

[AnotherLovelyCupOfTea]

yeh don't worry if she doesn't get it. You don't need her permission. Although my mother was not abusive I do realise that I was trying to please her growing up and never really managing it, so if I explained something to her and she didn't get it, it was MORE upsetting than it should have been. I didn't seem to have that ability to shrug over her not getting my choices. She never acknowledged that by choosing something different from her I wasn't being awkward or making a point, I was just quite simply a different person from her.

So, Rambled there, but if she 'gets' it great, but if she doesn't get it, come here and vent and no doubt there will be thousands here who WILL get it.

Don't feel that you have to justify explain or defend the decision to your mum. Tell her why obviously but if she doesn't accept that your unhappiness is a good enough reason..... well, what can you say ot that.

[OctopusPete8]

He didn't mention health Bluecarrot, he said quite clearly he wants her to loose weight for him.

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

I'm such an idiot. Spoke to my mum, told her just that I was going to end things with P as wasn't happy anymore, cried like a baby and she's now on her way down to mine, she would have set off about 20 minutes ago and it's a 4 hour drive. I feel really guilty now.

[Chubfuddler]

Don't feel guilty. If it was your daughter crying on the phone to you what would you do? You wouldn't hesitate.

Big hugs. Your mum will look after you.

[Januarymadness]

Dont feel bad. It is what any decent Mum would do. Glad you have her support.

[pointythings]

Lydia read the thread, OP is not overweight, she is a size 8/10 at 5ft 2.

I think you are doing the right thing. Clearly your P is incapable of sharing you with a child. That says a lot about him.

Be strong with your mum, tell her the unvarnished truth (bolstered by everything that has been said to you on this thread).

He is not lovely, he is an arse and you need to be shot of him.

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

True, if it was DD I would go no matter how old she was. I'm going to have to stay up and wait for her though, she has a key but I'd feel awful leaving her to let herself in.

Plucked up the courage to weigh myself and BMI is fine, he's being an arse. I'm trying to reassure myself now, I do know it's stupid.

[Juniperdewdropofbrandy]

Aww lovely mum Take are.

[Lweji]

Great mum.

So, your STBX is going to be doubly kicked out? :)

[MaryBateman]

Any Mum worth their salt would crawl over hot coals to help their daughter out at a time like this. And I have read far too many threads on here where Ms have sided with the abusive ex for god knows what reasons.

Be honest with her. You have a lovely DM so let her be there for you and help you get through this. If only everyone had a DM like yours! Cherish her x

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

He doesn't know he's being kicked out at all yet Lweji, still not quite sure how I'm going to do it. But he's not coming back here when his contract ends in August, no. I haven't been able to look in the mirror today and I've made my poor mum drive 4 hours down the motorway at midnight because of him, there's no way he's coming back.

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

Oh I do Mary, she's fab :)

[MaryBateman]

Nah she's spending 4 hours driving down the motorway cos she knows you need her. That's Mum business! And I say that as the Mum of a nearly 26 year old. We know what we need to do! Zero interference, just support when we are needed.

[VortexOfDisaster]

Good luck WatchingTheRain!

Soon you'll meet someone who will cherish you as you deserve.

[OctopusPete8]

You have a fab Mum OP, stay strong.

[Doha]

That's what good mums do-you will always be her wee girl. You are distresses -she will be there to support you.
I am so pleased you told her

Well done Watchings mum