DP has declared he can't look past my weight the way he could when we got together

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

NCed for this as think a couple of the school mums might know I'm on here.

Dp's working away from home at the moment which does make me think perhaps he says things he doesn't mean at times, but he's been coming out with more and more things like this recently and it's getting harder to just dismiss it as him being tired. His latest 'fault' is that he didn't mind my weight too much when we first got together, but he does now. If anything I think I'm lighter now than I was a few years ago- I think. He thinks I'm lazy and not disciplined enough and I'm not making enough effort for him- he works away a lot and sometimes I think he expects to come home to perfection- perfectly tidy house, etc. I'm not sure what I'm asking really, just came to a head last night and I don't want to tell anyone in RL, my family think he's fab (which he normally is).

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

You're 8/10 and 5ft 2'!You're about the same size as a Jennifer Lopez type figure and absolutely a figure to die for.

Without a doubt he is a fuckwit and you're going to be better off dumping his flabby arse.

You are worth much more than being with this man.

[MissStrawberry]

So are you going to tell him to stop being a twat, say nothing or finish things with this prick?

[PosyNarker]

What a horrible man. Either he has a majorly skewed view of what size is healthy or he's being a knob to grind you down. I'd bet on the latter.

Seriously OP LTB. If he can't cope with you not being Kylie-sized, what'll happen when you start to show signs of aging?

What if you had kids and were one of the less lucky ones in terms of the effect on your body?

I am shorter than you and a good size bigger. My DP will support me in my weightloss, but would never speak to me like that and still tells me I look lovely. This isn't because he's perfect, it's because he's not a dickhead.

[ouryve]

An 8/10 is slim, even at 5'2.

He's an arsehole.

[50shadesofmeh]

Seriously OP I looked hot when I met my husband size 10 32E boobs nice curves and I've had 3 kids now and I'm stretch marked a large size 14 and my boobs are nearly round my waist , and do you know what my husband wouldn't DARE say anything about my body or my weight, he has no right to.
If he takes issue with you at a size 8 pre kids and manages to make you doubt yourself , how will you feel when you do look worse?
Tell him to shit off!

[ouryve]

And since it's not been said, get yourself tested for STDs.

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

Right DD is now in bed so will read through properly, back in a minute. I really need to pull myself together tomorrow, she's given me her panda because she thought I looked 'unhappy and a bit confused'

[50shadesofmeh]

Ah I assumed you didn't have kids yet for some reason

[MissStrawberry]

Probably because she said she hadn't had biological children in a previous post.

[Honeymoonmummy]

I think OP needs something a little more constructive than "tell him to f* off".

Before you speak to him, prepare a script of what you are going to say and how you will react if he says something else nasty, eg "I don't think saying deliberately hurtful things is going to help us to work this out". Start by saying you we're hurt and upset by what he said about your weight and that you don't feel you have anything wrong with your figure. Perhaps ask him if there's an alternative to his working away all the time (you may already know the answer). Maybe suggest you both go out for dinner next time he' back (when is this) so you can discuss your problems. You'll probably get either denials that anything is wrong or he'll lose his temper and fling more insults so be prepared for both eventualities. Or he might apologize. Good luck! x

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

Ah sorry for the confusion- I don't have biological children, DD is soon to be special guardianship.

I don't want to upset him by coming down on him like a ton of bricks, is that weird? :( He's not normally like this, that's my dilemma. I don't want to end things with him if he's going to turn round and apologise next week and go back to normal. But then can't go on like this indefinitely. Should probably point out that we've both worked away from home a lot the whole time we've been together, we actually met working abroad. Since then I've moved to where I work most of the year and changed my work pattern because of DD, though I've always assumed we would both settle down properly eventually. DP lives here when he's not away working. I can't have kids so no worries there in terms of his reaction to me physically afterwards. For the last 3 years, DP wouldn't have made comments like this either.

Testing is a good point, I don't have any evidence he's cheated yet though. Going to attempt to confront him tonight (evening his time) if I can work out what the hell I'm going to say.

[Lweji]

I'm a UK size 8/10 but I'm quite short (5''2ish).

WTF?!
Overweight in what planet?

You are only 1 inch shorter than me and I am a size 8. I certainly don't look fat.

What baby fat? I wonder if your mother has lowered your self esteem regarding your weight.

in your behalf.

I agree that it seems like he's trying to lower your self esteem or find an excuse for something (affair?).

[Januarymadness]

It isn't just the weight comment though is it. You have said the is often making you feel inadequate. How eould you feel if a man treated your dd like this? What would your advice be to her?

[Raaraathenoisybaby]

This thing about expecting to come home to a perfect home stuff is bullshit too. But it rang v true for me when I was with exh when he worked away. He also made similar comments about my (cough) inadequate figure especially post baby. I seem to be posting this every day atm but here goes - I'm happily divorced
And exh was emotionally abuse, a textbook case.

[yamsareyammy]

He seems to have lost perspective to me.
But as I posted previously, I think you need to find out if anything untoward has happened.

[ChipsNEggs]

If you DD is soon to be under guardianship is this all a new arrangement? Has he actually met her yet if he is away a lot? If so do you think he is struggling with the suddenly being a father part?

Apologies if I've completely got the wrong end of the stick.

[Januarymadness]

Thid rings bells. Is this the guy that got time off to come and meet dd but wouldnt actually take it?

[clam]

Ah yes. I remember this. I'm afraid the red flags are fluttering for me here too.

[TimidLivid]

If that is the same guy somethigns not right as u are saying he has changed his behaviour from previous three years so he needs to tell u what's changed and he sounds not very nice

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

Managed to talk to him in his break and it was an absolute disaster, not sure where I stand now really. He insists he hasn't cheated but I'm not convinced I believe him. DP did refuse to come home for the week to meet DD yes, I've posted about some of the other milder problems over the past few weeks under a different NN (I was hoping someone would pick up on the similarities between that and my NC but it would seem my music tastes are too weird!). Things with him and DD have been much better- they have been sending each other postcards and talking on skype etc. I suggested DP could find somewhere else to stay when he gets back (only I have custody of DD so he's not legally taking on a 'father' role) but he apologised and was adamant he wanted to make a go of it- he and DD have been getting on quite well since then but that was when the comments with me started.

[cestlavielife]

You have a dd now.
Forget him.
Go no contact for couple weeks.
He didn't want to meet dd.
Being nice over Skype to her isn't hard.

Being nasty to you is all too easy.

Forget him.

Dd doesn't know him she won't know any different if he doesn't come into her life .

[ChipsNEggs]

No link between the names for me, apparently my musical taste is shocking, just the story rang too many bells!

Not legally taking on a father role means nothing when the expectation appears from your post that he will be taking on the fathers role. I understand that comes from both of you.

I wouldn't be going down the is he cheating route. Regardless of what you've both said before DD came into your lives it actually happening is a massive adjustment for everyone. Its all compounded that he is so far away and you are unable to talk properly.

Forget his comments and any suspicions at the moment as neither of you are thinking properly, hes probably panicking massively now reality has kicked in and things need to settle down whilst you all get used to the new set up.

Sit down and discuss things properly when he gets home.

I hope it works out for you all and your DD settles in well.

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

lweji that was what my mum told me it was when I was about 16 when it was pointed out at school, she promised me I would grow out of it, I did to a point but I'm still waiting for it to go completely. That's my own opinion though, not my mum's.

[FlyingFig]

I don't want to end things with him if he's going to turn round and apologise next week and go back to normal

OP, it sounds to me that this behaviour of his, is going to be the norm, by his standards. He might be not cheating, who can say for sure, but even if he isn't, his comments still boil down to him being an insensitive, arrogant cocksplat.

He doesn't deserve you or your DD. Deep down I think you know that. I wish you and dd all the best x

[WatchingTheRainFallInBlackpool]

I'm not planning on having any contact with him for a few days, I need some time to think. He's trying to go down the route of he hasn't cheated but could I blame him if he had, which apart from anything is making me more conscious of the fact that while he's abroad there has to be a great degree of trust between us and I don't really see how I can have that in him at the moment. I might try and call my mum tomorrow if I can work out where to start, not sure yet.