Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Very - I have pm you x

very it was a huge deal to send that message but don't regret it. that message is part of you moving forwards.

fff as texts go from my x, that is relatively mild. and it is all the bollocks and i think even he knows it. the only bit that might have a grain if truth (there is always just a grain to carry the poison) is sleekit on this or occasion and that is because over the years he has taught me to hide anything that can be exploited. water off a ducks back.

Alice loving your new phrases.

fisleep well :)
re new gf. it never lasts long does it. just long enough to suck them in and the gloves are off. what a FW though. new gf and he is still blaming you!?! funny how they never see the common factor.

bounty the moon on a stick. that just that isn't it. hope you get through this very difficult week. as soon as you get to your flat get some flowers and think of the vixens every time you see them. backing you up garlic presses, rolling pins and cheese graters in hand.
godspeed x

very it is so hard not to let them make you feel guilty. so hard. but he made his choices. more than that he made them thinking of only himself. you need to think of yourself and all the pain he has put you through. any pain he feels now is probably a drop in the ocean of tears he has cost you. for all the times he has put himself first, this once you put yourself first. don't feel guilty for what he has done.

very, he is trying to mess with your head, it is taking up your energy, focus on you and DS.

bounty, good luck at sol's, take notes as it is stressful and you need to be clear when you leave the office, ask sol to re-cap everything at the end. Explain your fears about contact, I had similar ones, but so far, all fine (fingers crossed).

Alice, all power to you! It is amazing how much stronger you sound. Loving the phrases, saying no, and working out what is important to me is something I am working on, so your post was very helpful .

Otherwise, the 18 holes, my father, to be rounded off in the 19th. Sympathies on that one, though the fact that you are here shows you are not my mother. Wonder what would have happened if she had had MN in her day.Whether she/life would have been different.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs to all, and strength!

very I think that the situation speaks for itself-- he won't prioritize you over his other commitments. I know it doesn't sound supportive, but if he's not earning much money from his sport, it shouldn't be a priority. It's a good thing that you sent that text. Glad you've made a stand for yourself.

Re: his sport, if he keeps spending money going to tournaments hoping he'll make it big one day, it is almost like gambling-- sorry if I'm misunderstanding the situation!

Sorry want to comment more but there is no time now, H is in the next room. Strange times, he told me last night that he is very very unhappy... poor him... it's all about him, I said 'would you be happy if you lived by a river?' and he perked up and said 'oh yes THEN I would be happy' so it's all about getting me to do all the donkey work selling our house and buying the one he wants... he wants it to be ME who makes the executive decision. because he is so unhappy and obviously I want him to be happy..?? I'll sell the house but my 1/2 the money will go on a flat for me in London, he can buy whatever the "£$% he wants but I won't do it for him.

...what I mean by gambling is that he might be addicted to the chase! No excuse.

Another unsettled night - by me, thinking and dreaming and also by dd2, being ill. She's ok now, a little feverish but struggling (wo)manfully through it by eating sorbet...

very I think your message was spot on, it was honest and how you feel. I don't understand if he says he didn't really want to leave why he doesn't seek a solution rather than trying to get you to admit you are at fault so he can carry on being a fw. He is putting you so far down his lists of priorities and you deserve so much more. It is really difficult when you start to think that it just doesn't make any difference what you say.... ever.
bounty good luck with the solicitor, I am sorry you have had to change the appointment you will have being wanting it over with I am sure. Good advice already regarding contact and a residence order, he can repond by asking for residencey to be joint. It is scary and I spoke to a couple of sols and they are very blunt, I wasn't prepared for that esp. as my DS has never met his dad. I really feel for the weight of things you are having to deal with right now but you are doing really well.

tis sorry you had another unsettled night. Hope the sorbet does the trick.

Sorry to hear that, Tis. Perhaps you should try the sorbet remedy yourself! :o

Still thinking of Nigella... hope she's out and staying out and got good support. If you're lurking, N: it's not your fault and you cannot change him. Foul man.

Well said charlotte I hope she read that.

bounty I have no specific experience with this, just what I've found out myself.
If he refuses to return her at the end of contact, you will need to go to court to get her back on an emergency order. My solicitor has always said though that if I am in any way concerned about this happening, then not to go through with the contact - and then he would need to apply to court to establish a contact schedule.

Tis hugs to you and DD2.

I have just read the follow up to the fantastic book from whence the expression greasy bloaters and cabbage and potato sog comes.

Aunt Fidget Wonkham Strong's culinary delight for the sequel is swede-and-mutton slump.

which I will now be using in the context of: my FW is currently not speaking to me because he is in a swede-and-mutton slump. the FW. (well he can FOTTFSOFOAWHGTHCFOSM)

I spoke to a couple of sols and they are very blunt

Is it normal to be sobbing my heart out whilst packing up my things?

oh awwww Bounty (((Bounty))) xxxx Crying/shaking either both, that and more.. normal is whatever it is hun... Strength to you hun for tough things to do .. and plenty tissues for your tears lovely xxx

Bounty even though I needed us to separate, I still cried. I think it's more crying for the loss of the relationship, future plans, things that could have been IYSWIM. Perfectly normal stage that I think we all need to go through - the grieving process I suppose.

sweetpea agree with what you say about empathy. I just wasn't sure if bounty knew, as when you are feeling low it can be horrible to have that on top unexpected.
bounty it is sad that he is a FW and that you have to do this.

Hugs to you bounty. Yes, that sounds normal. Like fi says, normal is whatever you are feeling. It can take us in different ways. but yes, I cried copiously when packing up my stuff. Like Alice says, a lot of it is grieving for things that we are leaving behind, things that are ending, things that are no more.
Only do what you can, take it easy on yourself sweetie. x

bounty, huge hugs, thinking of you. I did not have to leave a house, so I imagine that is hard because it is the place as well as the relationship and everything that signifies. It is a long journey to a better place, but you will make it. Hope you got on okay at sols and you have your parents around for support.

better, first sol I saw made me feel worse, I went with a high level anxiety and came out feeling that it would all be dreadful for ds, who is only little, but what did I expect, that was the way it was. This put me off seeing another sol for about six weeks, during which time, the way things were actually did make it bad for ds.

Second sol pretty much imparted the same information, but in a way which made me come out thinking yes, it could be sorted in a way which could work for ds, and while she is very direct, it is much more of a let's get it sorted directness. I'm not sure if I am explaining that well. As it happened, the sh*t hit the fan in a way I had not expected, and I really do not think I could have worked through that with a solicitor who made me more anxious.

Anyway, it is all cr@p, no one chooses to be in this position, but a decent solicitor does help (I hope, I have still a way to go, so do not wish to speak prematurely). So I hope you found some reassurance there, bounty.

Thanks for the thoughts. I'm sitting here with a list of what I need to take and a pile of some stuff that I've gathered (stupid things like Christmas decorations with a 'meaning') and just hoping and praying that I have the guts to go through with it tomorrow.

I know that if I don't, then I'll still have the house set up with all the furniture that my parents are lending me but with none of my personal items. But I think tomorrow is my time.

I keep thinking about how hurt my H will be on Friday to come home to a house that is stripped of my possessions and just a letter of explanation. But then of course it is his own doing ..... As my Mum said to me at some point you have to draw a line and say that even if he is nice I can't give any more chances, otherwise I'll still be here in 10 years probably feeling a lot worse. A lady at my Mum's church left her EA hoarder husband last year aged 77. I just feel so sad that she has wasted the best part of 50 years on that man. Her own children helped her out. I don't want to be that lady.

Hi bounty thinking of you ((hugs)). Also thinking of everyone else. Having a few miserable moments here, interspersed with good ones. I hit my shin on the car and it triggered a crying bout which lasted for ages but I did feel better afterwards. Things are finally shifting financially, freeing me quite a bit - after five years of credit crunch and feeling trapped, it's good that things are changing.

Power to the Vixens

oh bounty I cried too. still do. It is like escaping from a car crash. happy to get out but no one is actually happy to have been in a car crash in the first place are they? and it is not fair. so have a good bawl. but just because it makes you sad remember it is still the right decision.
I have heard lots of people on this board say they regret how long they stayed but not one single one say they regret leaving.

Bounty your Xmas decorations with meaning aren't stupid, they're precious and probably more valuable to you than actual valuables. They signify hope and looking forward to a fw free Xmas this year by which time you will be spreading your wings! Sad about the lady at your mum's Church, but also great that she didn't live all her life with EA, that she will have a chance to blossom now.

I was having some pretty dark thoughts earlier - that this world is too horrible to live in - but of course it's not and I am feeling somewhat better now. I think the thought that I have lost the patience and support of one of my main rocks (can't say more as too identifying) has knocked me for six somewhat, but at the same time I am not going to get pulled under by it.