I am sooooo sick of the way so many men seem to be treating their wives/girlsfriends on mumsnet these days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Carmenere]

There just seem to be too too many threads about nasty abusive bullying wankers passing themselves off as partners and fathers. WTF!!!

you obviously picked a good one.like when you were a kid ,you went to the fairground,some people win the huge teddy and some people win the cheap keyring that falls to bits before you leave the fair.you got the huge teddy...lucky you..

I wish I could immunise my dd against entering a relationship with a toxic man. I wish that if it ever came to that, she had enough self-worth to get out before she got in too deep. And to seek help at the first opportunity. Her stroppiness gives me hope.

Having been in an abusive relationship where my ex-husband manipulated & controlled me - I now know that I accepted this behaviour because of my upbringing. My mother manipulated & controlled me, so I subconsciously seek out that behaviour in others. Taken months of counselling to work that out. So you can protect your children from entering into potentially abusive relationships by giving them loads of self-respect & self-worth!

re the OP,yes i feel the same way and tbh it has instilled even more fear in me about settling down with my boyf, who is actually a very committed, loving guy, i think i give him a harder time than he deserves because of this, and i watch him like a hawk esp as he has been known to lose his temper. i catastrophise in my head about things that could go wrong, cos it's hard to believe happy partnerships are out there when you read so much bad stuff on here! the knowledge that women go into it initially not knowing what their partner will be like is scary, and if boyf gets angry or says anything remotely unkind i am very defensive! ridiculous, i have made it clear he wouldn't get away with treating me like sh*t.

bugsy2,can i just ask which sort of councelling helped you ,as i need help and want to seek councelling to be able to free myself from my husband and be brave enough to do it

Me too, Bugsy. I didn't have the easiest time at home when I lived with my parents. My Mum once refused to give me one of my Christmas presents because I didn't side with her when she was arguing with my sister (I was around 20 at the time) & has always been a me, myself & I kind of person.
I had no self confidence as a young adult & entered into a lot of bad relationships.

Although my dh isnt physically abusive nor apparently too interested in porn he is verbally abusive and a complete bully. He was bullied as a child at school but also completely cossetted by his parents (esp his mother) and has grown up thinking women (me and now dd) should do his bidding. I am nothing like his mother as I have told him many times before and despite the fact that he wants us to live his mothers way, I tend to opt for the way I was brought up which was a whole lot more normal. My parents had no money when we were young but my dad was respectful and decent and they made sure they brought us up to respect people and have manners. I praise my children every single day and am very big on manners and respect and have even discussed with my daughter why I think her dad is the way he is. Luckily she appears to be able to see that his behaviour isnt "normal".

holliec, I went & saw a counsellor who was recommended by my GP. She was very good - over 13 years experience as a counsellor & originally trained as a psychotherapist. If you are in SW London - I would be happy to recommend her & give you her details.
The counsellling has really helped me understand my motivations for all sorts of things & has really helped me get to grips with why I married such a tosser - which is such a difficult thing to get your head around.
I still find my ex-H very hard to deal with, but I no longer feel undermined by him or take his criticism seriously or personally.
Women aren't born bullied & weak - they are made like that.

i have to go back to my Gp so i will ask.i am a bit worried as he treats my husband,i know aboute confidentiality but i am worried he may not be sympathetic.im nerlt at the point of booking an appointment at the solicitors,have started to dial twice but loose my bottle.

Holliec, my GP also treated my ex-H, but that didn't stop him from treating me in a kind & sympathetic manner. Remember by talking to a solicitor or a counsellor - you are not doing anything wrong - you are just seeking advice.
Be strong!

hol - your gp is probably a good person to talk to as him knowing your h's condition should give him a more sensitive view of your future than we can offer here. if you can share with him the state your relationship has reached then i'm sure he wont be judgemental, it will depend on his personal views to a point of course, but just to tell it to someone on the outside can help put things in perspective. i'm sure you know how easy it is to get overwhelmed by it all if you can't let it out and get a more objective view on things.
so just take it a bit at a time - i did post some nonsense somewhere about depression and how our dreams seem so impossible when they are so far from where we are now. the thing is to look at how to start making the changes needed to get there and just doing them slowly, one at a time, but keeping the final dream in mind and working toward it. it can take a lifetime to become the person we want to be, and lifes lessons and experiences can help us achieve it.
and last night - sorry, was a bit tired, but my ex only wandered off - nothing too dramatic. i worked away and had no idea how life was for her with 3 kids, we grew apart etc. now i know and well, i was young and daft, now older and but still daft.