I am sooooo sick of the way so many men seem to be treating their wives/girlsfriends on mumsnet these days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Carmenere]

There just seem to be too too many threads about nasty abusive bullying wankers passing themselves off as partners and fathers. WTF!!!

I second that Carmenere

Or maybe there aer 2 sides to a stroy ???????????????????

But don't they say up to 25% of women experience domestic violence in their lives. These figures always shock me as I start looking around friends and trying to second guess who are the nobs :(

So of course there are these treads as women are scared and too afraid to talk to anyone/leave or whatever in RL. MN is a good place to get anonymous support as a lot of women will not admit to what is happening in RL. This maybe out of embarassment or lack of self esteem I don't know. It is sad.

BTW my DH is pretty good really, not perfect, we have our moments including full on sweary rows. But it is EQUAL!

Pupace there are of course two sides to every story but there is a huge difference between coming on here for a bit of a whinge about your other half (we all do that occasionally )and being raped and bullied and in some cases not even thinking there is anything wrong with it!

Can I just say that although I started a whingy and slightly abusive thread about my dp last night, I do love him and he is a nice, non-violent, kind person who is just a bit crap at flatpack :)

Agree batters. I'm not a man hater and I don't think this is a man hating thread but I reserve my right to despise men who are violent abusive rapists and bullies, absolutely.

Pruni, I know your dh isn't abusive, sorry, I didn't mean to lump in in with the men being discussed here.

I'm also aware that the 'I wouldn't let someone get away with it' line of argument could be construed as 'it's womens fault for putting up with it' and just to be clear, I don't think this at all wrt rape or domestic violence. I also don't think it's about compatibility Monkeytrousers, it's about a lot of things: self esteem, conditioning, societal expectations (especially once women have children, things often seem to go wrong then) and the behaviour of certain men.

True, people with lovely partners and husbands are unlikely to be posting here asking for advice, so agree about the sampling bias but it's still profoundly sad that there are so many women out there suffering at the hands of men who don't deserve them.

'Maybe I'm just naieve but why do men not grow up and want to be pleasant and loving fathers and husbands? '

Or just decent human beings who think it's wrong to rape, abuse, manipulate and harm someone else.'

But an awful lot of men do behave properly, I hate generalisations, all men are bastrds, all blondes are dumb. It isn't right and it isn't fair on men to categorise them like this. I have been in an abusive realtionship and talked at length on here about it. I am now married to a wonderful man who hardly ever gets a mention (sorry love!) I would go so far as to say that 95% of the husbands and fathers that I know are wonderful men.

We all have our faults, every woman I know can moan about her husband, I'm sure that every man could moan about his wife.

I know a man who sufferd from domestic abuse, and his pain was as real as mine was, his decision to leave jsut as difficult, if not more so as I think that it's incredibly hard for a man to admit that he is being battered. I remember a thread on here a good while back where a man had driven a woman to the end of her tether over somehting and she had slapped his face - the congratulations she got was unbeleiveable, but in the same situation the posters would race to vilify the man.

Can't we take each case on it's merits and move away from the unfair generalisations?

Lillibet, that's a bit unfair imo - you quoted me and, yes I should have inserted a 'some' men into that sentance but if you have read the whole thread you will see that I'm certainly not generalising. I am talking specifically about the recent threads on here and have reiterated frequently (as others have too) that we have experience of really lovely men in our lives. this is not an 'all men are bastards' thread. Of course there are men in similar positions, they don't generally post here.

I don't think anyone is saying all men are bastards, just that there have been a few threads about what are plainly bastards in the last few days. Lets not get out knickers in a twist about demonising men. I live with two of them and I love them dearly so I know they're nor all shit - many, if not most, of us do. I don't think we need to get into gender politics about it. Some of us are shocked by others experiences and are just letting off steam, that's all.

ill tlel you a weirdy story
iwas in court last week
dom abuse sorta thing

she was nagging him that he worked too much and she never got him to spend time with one year old.

so he strangled her ( or tried to)

really bad etc etc etc

BUT

he only works ONE day a WEEK

peoepl are so odd

Agree monkeyt, I've been married to 2 decent men and known a lot more, this isn't about men in general it's aobut abusive men in particular.

god www oyu make yerself sound liek elizabthe taylor

ha ha cod. Only twice so far too :)

n

Sorry I wasn't referring to rape but to the original post... and i agree :

Can't we take each case on it's merits and move away from the unfair generalisations?

despite being in a shit marriage and generally having bad experiences with men,i think im just unlucky and that there are loads of loving decent men out there.my parents were married for 42 years,my mum was a doormat,he did what he wanted and she was totlly in denial,she spent all her time ironing or with her hand up a chikens arse,cooking for him and whoever he brought home.but she beleived that you had to stay with your husband.they say girls look for a man like their fathers,who as a child i thought was wonderful,and unfortunatly maybe sub conciously i did.i also believe that mens mothers have alot to do with the way they treat woman,both my husbands have been total mummys boys,who didnt want any other woman in their lives and caused alot of tension.when i sought help at my parents early in my 1st marriage,had a black eye and swollen lip,my father said well he is your husband and put me and my daughter in the car and drove me back.i am seeking to break the cycle where i am a victim but i feel so shit at the moment i feel like i am in limbo.his cruelty continues ,7 days of blanking me trying to make me feel so shit i leave with nothing.well enough of me moaning...but i beleive that out there ,there is a nice loving man that i can love and who will love me back

ps. i am up at this ungodly hour as i dont want to sleep in the bedroom as he punches me when im asleep and i am scared to nod off.i sleep in the front room but its bloody cold and its open plan with large uncurtained windows and a bit scary.but the choice is...burgalers and prowlers or getting into bed with that bastard..easy,prowlers win every time

sounds like a hell of a choice you have there. i am also down here, but cos the kids have nabbed all the bedrooms. and yeah it is cold, and the comp hardly keeps me warm.

i am sat at the dining room table clothed with my coat on..any prowler would think im a bloody looney

eek - they would think you're a flasher about to go walkabout, lol. you could start a nocturnal mn at this rate, my excuse is i work late and then end up chatting and my poor old brain wont slow down.

i think all the other posters are in bed.id lie on the settes but there bloody leather and you wake up all sweaty with a wet face,if you lie on them.also they make farty noises every time you move.i usually make up a sort of tramps bed of blankets and towels for pillows.

phew - thought my flasher humour had sent you running for cover. thank goodness for your farty noises - i'm in good company - thought i was gonna have to resort to poetry :o

It frustrates me to see posts where women come on and ask advice and they get told that they are weak and putting their child at risk.

Leaving a violent relationship is probably the most difficult thing on the planet to do and it is actually really destructive to be so judgmental of them.

I am an incredibly strong person and that was part of the problem for me, i convinced myself that i coyld deal with it, that itwasnt sucha big deal. i wasn't scared of him.

I know i seem to be controversial half the time on here and am frequently accused of being a troll becasue of that but i honestly beleive in my posts.

I have sene posts where people have told the OP that her hubby is probably out raping other women and implying that she should feel fguilty because she hasnt sorted him out already.
How on earth can that be helpfull? yeah she is already confused and quite possibly a little downa bout what is hapening so you go add the pressure of guilt!

you can accuse me of being on a high horse if you like, thats fine. but i really do feel that being told "i would never let that happen to me" is abut as usefull as a chocolate fire guard. its very easy to say things like that when you have no experiance of it. no Dv victim ever thinks to herself, i know lets get a bloke who beats me up.

sorry, rant over....just got a bit of pent up moodiness out. cant you tell im still dealing with the fall out of leaving the XP?
Maybe i should steer clear of these threads as my own opinions are a little clouded.

I didn;t know you had a bad relationship holliec, do you sleep properally at all