I am sooooo sick of the way so many men seem to be treating their wives/girlsfriends on mumsnet these days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Carmenere]

There just seem to be too too many threads about nasty abusive bullying wankers passing themselves off as partners and fathers. WTF!!!

I think that these threads are the tip of the iceberg. There are loads of women in crap relationships who never post - put up and shut up.

I think the opposite is true in my case, because my life was so safe and secure i went seeking danger. I had utter trust in men, my father is and was an angel. When i got first hit or spat on i thought for a man to be that angry i must be a disgusting person. I couldn't see that men were different i suppose. I was with a very manipulative man who taught me ( and for some reason i believed) that i was such a bad person that anyone wouild hit me. I really thought i would anger any human if enough to deserve a beating, god knows why.
What i don't understand is why women don't learn from that one terrifying relationship and go on and on again with the same type of men.
I now look for kind gentle souls and i have one on his way round now.

One of the women i know always goes for shits, ones that tell her not to wear short skirts, so she doesn't. It's infuriating.

No I know it's not surprising due to the nature of the forum and this is of course one of the major reasons that mumsnet is so bloody valuable. I often read threads and think 'o they definitely need councilling or serious sorting out of their relationship' but recently I've been more moved to actually advise posters to leave which is something that I am loathe to do. there just seems to be a recent rash of threads about particularly nasty wankers atm. It's a bit depressing tbh.

As someone who was in a crap and sometimes slightly abusive relationship, I can see why women stay, because for a long long time it seemed easier to stay and just try and get on with things.

Thankfully I got to a point where I realised that me and my kids deserved better and that was that, but it is so very hard to get to that point and I think we have to remember that sometimes, people just aren't ready to make that change.

I know that nutcracker and hopefully the fact that there are lot's and lot's of mners who have kind and loving partners will be a bit of an inspiration to those who are being treated like shit and told it's because they deserve it
Well done you btw.

Thanks

Thinking about it I was lucky because I got xp to leave, but if i'd had to leave we'd probably still be together now as organising something like that especially when you have kids, would be hard i'd imagine.

I think you only have to log on to MN to realise how strong and fantastic women really are. I'm very lucky, I have a fantastic relationship with my DH even though we've been through shit for years, it's never been about us, it's just stuff that's gone on with us, IVF, family problems that type of thing. But I've read posts on this site about abusive relationships, pnd, mothers of children with special needs, miscarraiges and so on. Some of the women on this site amaze me with what they go through and then you might see them post on another thread, put their problems aside and give advice to other people. That's how strong women are even if they don't know it. And I think becasue they don't know it, they don't leave. They chose to ingnore what's going on or make excuses for it.

It's hard enough to balance parenthood and work as part of a couple - and it must be a whole lot harder as a single mum. I am in an unhappy relationship with a partner who is irresponsible and immature rather than actively abusive. I don't think I am strong enough to go it alone and that is why I "put up with it". Because how can I take the risk of crumbling under the pressure of going it alone with the associated stresses and financial hardships - when I have a child to look after. Crumbling isn't good enough.

Twas ever thus Carmenere but it makes me very sad too, ikwym.

As a mother of daughters, it makes me very and .

Who is raising these kinds of people to believe it's okay to treat others like this?

My brother is one of these men.
Our father brought us up, largely. He's not a bad man, he's flawed and difficult, but none of the things mentioned on here. He was scared to teach my brother respect for women/anybody, and he didn't have a mother-figure at all. He's now extraordinarily manipulative, quite misogynistic and possibly violent. TBH I can't see where it comes from exaclty, think it's so so complex.

I married someone who is perhaps a little emotionally absent sometimes, not very good at reading me always, but lovely with it. I wouldn't even know where to begin "not putting up with it" - I know that in the past I have accused and sulked and tried and failed to make him be a bit more in touch with what's going on emotionally - and you know what, he just can't do it. (The same goes for spotting housework that needs to be done.) It's not so much that I "let" him be like this - I've always wondered how we are supposed to change our partners when it's like they have a bit "missing"...???

The thing is Pruni, (and this absolutely isn't a criticism of you) a man who didn't pull his weight/wasn't there wouldn't have lasted 2 minutes as my partner/husband. So I didn't put up with it, anyone who didn't pull their weight didn't last, I dumped them. But I guess I didn't do things a traditional way, i.e. marry, spend 5 years with someone, have children, THEN find out there was an issue with equality or something else.

Hmm, yes, you know he will pull his weight, my issue is that I have to remind him/prompt him to (very wearing).
I would not have anything to do with a man who just wouldn't do anything round the house.
The emotional thing is different - he is gorgeous but a bit, em, English.

Anyway this is all a bit out of place on this thread as he is emphatically not abusive.

The thing is Pruni, (and this absolutely isn't a criticism of you) a man who didn't pull his weight/wasn't there wouldn't have lasted 2 minutes as my partner/husband. So I didn't put up with it, anyone who didn't pull their weight didn't last, I dumped them.

Neither did I, WWW.

I made a lot of mistakes in love - mostly financial or career moves that proved detrimental to me - but I twigged pretty soon who was one of those chauvinist types and OUT they went before I developed too many feelings for them.

Well do something about it - make sure your kids are brought up as decent respectful human beings - make sure above all you stand by them but also stand up for their partners if they are acting like tossers and make sure they learn from your relationship how women are supposed to be treated.

Saying that DS just hits me and kisses me at the moment he doesn;t even speak to me!!!! (he only 28 months though!!)

I think what we have here is sampling bias. People don't bother positing about mild niceness.

The shortest post you'll ever see from DC. :o

I'm evening it up -I'm being horrid to do atm :(

I know that's true DC but I just felt the need to comment on the plethora of extreme cases atm

I want to stand up for men here, I believe the abusers, the bullies, the immature etc etc etc are the minority. I lived with an abusive man once and know men like this exist but I have had other lovely boyfriends. I have married a great man and had a loving wonderful father and brothers. This thread is a bit man hating for my taste and I've known some spitful nasty women as well as abusive men.

I think that's less to do with equality and more to do with compatibility WWW. I'm not sure if it's something people really think about when they get into a relationship - they fancy each other at first and so everything flows from there. But it's not enough in the long term. The media is totally obsessed with sexual attractiveness and because it's the centre of our visual life we've forgotten there is anything else to life. Consumerism - the opiate of the masses.

I think you may be missing the point here Booge, it's not man hating at all. Most of us have a keen appreciation of the lovely men in our lives in a stark contrast to the wankers that have been starring in lots of recent mumsnet threads. This thread is all about there being an alternative to living with a bastard ie living with a decent man.

My father was a bastard and I can honestly say I would never have got into a long term relationship with a man who didnt see me as an equal.

Dh does what he should and more. He doesnt get extra thanks for this from you. My mum thinks he's a one off angel and it's hard to convince her that not all man are like my father (whom she left 10 years ago).

My mum never loved him, she lived in fear of him. She had no confidence at all before she left. At 70 she now travels round the world on her own.

sorry, from me