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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I have a crush on someone other than my husband please help me sort it out

94 replies

Archibaldcat · 10/06/2013 21:08

My friends husband and I have had what I guess is an EA since feb . They have four kids , I have two . It started a few months ago and since has been on and off . We ve kissed but that's all physically , exchanged very flirty texts , but this also blows hot and cold as we ve had our ups and downs . I think the problem is I feel I am getting a connection to him , I can't understand why it's happening really , I don't even particularly like him but feel very attracted to him . I feel very guilty about my friend and my dh . Please help , I don't know if this is a crush in which case I need to grow up and stop but I can't stop thinking about him . It's affecting most aspects if my life :((( thank u

OP posts:

Ilikethebreeze · 10/06/2013 21:10

How is your own marriage?
Silly question really, but it needs to be asked.

Original poster

Archibaldcat · 10/06/2013 21:13

Hmmm been together quite a while , and the normal stresses two small kids bring . Sometimes it's mundane and boring , I don't fancy him as much as I used to but I still love him . I think I fancy this om more ....:((

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 10/06/2013 21:19

You need to back-off and stay away. Nothing good will come of this.

DiscoDonkey · 10/06/2013 21:20

Well lets be straight here it's already much more than a crush, you've already crossed that line and acted on it.

Relaxedandhappyperson · 10/06/2013 21:23

Don't do anything more about it, just let it become fantasy and let it ride its way out - it'll run its course.

It's natural to be attracted to other people but you don't have to let it become anything much.

BriansBrain · 10/06/2013 21:26

If I were you I would try and think about the outcome.

If you ended up togeather what would it be like, from a practical all children togeather at the weekend kind of way.

And then the fall out when it all comes out, think about your DHs reaction, your friend and DC what could you lose and how you would feel.

If you have time for another man you also have time to try and work out if your marriage is working.

I really hope you are not my friend.

Original poster

Archibaldcat · 10/06/2013 21:32

There is no future in it , I know that . Purely desire I guess. He makes me feel attractive again ... Sometimes I think he understands me more than she and would maybe treat me better ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Archibaldcat · 10/06/2013 21:33

How do I ignore it and just carry on with life ? I see him every day at school gates ? It's so bloody hard

OP posts:

Original poster

Archibaldcat · 10/06/2013 21:35

Not she , I meant dh sorry :(

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BriansBrain · 10/06/2013 21:39

It can be done if you really want to.

I think you need to stop seeing him ASAP, think about your DH, friend and DC.

You see him at the school gate? Time it so its drop off and run, same with pick up just get there as late as possible without being late iykwim.

I do my school runs without stopping to chat at all because of work, you could do the same if you wanted to.

Thisisaeuphemism · 10/06/2013 21:40

How can you do this to your 'friend'?

musicposy · 10/06/2013 21:41

Move schools, get someone else to take them to school, home educate.........you have to cut all ties with this man, whatever it takes. Sometimes drastic action is required. Be good to yourself and your family and be thinking of how you can make it impossible to spend time with this man.

RubyrooUK · 10/06/2013 21:42

Archibald, ok, there are two scenarios here:

It's a crush which you are using as a distraction from normal life, which gets mundane.

The guy is the love of your life and you are destined to have a mad, passionate love affair.

But it doesn't really matter. Because either scenario won't work out in any way.

If it's scenario one, you are mucking around with the happiness of six children and your spouses. You are risking losing your friend (and possibly other friends when they hear about it). Your family will be disgusted that you could behave like this. Your life will change beyond recognition and all for a crush because you were bored?

Or with scenario two, you should immediately step away. Separate from your partners. Take it slowly, get to know each other as single people. And see if you still feel passionate when you are trying to juggle visiting times for six kids, maintenance and fractured relationships. It sounds hard to maintain the passion, don't you think?

I think the only way you can get over it is to think how utterly unsexy and unattractive this is. Either you are in a horrible, sordid situation or a difficult situation which may take years to sort out. Neither option is that attractive.

Distance yourself from this man immediately. It may take a while for the feelings to fade but channel them into your husband. If that doesn't work out then you might consider separating, but don't do this.

Cerubina · 10/06/2013 21:43

This is a very dangerous situation for all concerned, and you have already crossed a line that would be a deal breaker for many, many spouses - possibly yours and his. Do let your mind wander onto the subject of how the lives of all 10 (TEN) people in the immediate families would explode into chaos and upset if this got any further.

You are having a silly little daydream about romance and being understood and appreciated etc - see it for what it is. When your two marriages have been detonated I promise you there'll be precious little comfort and understanding forthcoming any more.

Step back right now, not tomorrow or next week, and think about what things you can do, and ask your DH to do, to get back on an even keel.

TheOleDragon · 10/06/2013 21:46

You can't help who you fall for. It's not a question of 'How can you do this to your friend' - People don't plan for this sort of thing to happen. What I would suggest is you consider how much it would hurt to lose your friend. Your marriage and your children. Write to yourself as a third party. What advice would you give to someone who is in the same situation. I wish you all the best.

Thisisaeuphemism · 10/06/2013 21:52

She has been flirting and kissing with her friends husband for months - its only now that she feels 'a connection' is she getting worried. She has made the choice to get to here. It's not an accident, it's quite deliberate.

Pimpf · 10/06/2013 21:53

There is no way this can end well. Really think about what you are doing and hurt EVERYONE is going to be, 2 families destroyed because you're a bit bored of your dh and you had a crush.

The effort you are putting into this other man, out that into your relationship.

Original poster

Archibaldcat · 10/06/2013 21:58

I didn't plan for it to happen , of course not . It's just happened , and it's hard being married sometimes and u can't help who u feel attracted to . The thing is , when we have fallen out he has a hard side to him. . I know he would never dream of leaving his wife . I know he only wants me for a bit of fun or to flirt with etx etc , but I feel attracted to him , it's exciting and fun and I find it hard to forget him .

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 10/06/2013 22:03

Well you need to make yourself forget him. If you already know there's a side to him you don't like its not going to end with you walking into the subset together (not that it ever could). Maybe spend the time and energy you are using up on this daydream on your DH and marriage. Then they might feel a more interesting again.

Cerubina · 10/06/2013 22:06

This stuff doesn't 'just happen'! Take some responsibility! There are all sorts of opportunities to avoid kissing someone who's not your husband, you didn't trip and fall onto his face did you?

Pimpf · 10/06/2013 22:09

How fun and exciting will it be when his wife, your husband and the children find out? And your family and mutual friends?

You either need to look at putting the excitement back in your marriage or if you are seriously unhappy, looking at ending that before jumping into anything else.

Do you really want to be a bit of fun on the side for anyone else?

Original poster

Archibaldcat · 10/06/2013 22:14

No I don't and would never normally do this sort of thing . This is the first time I've ever cheated in my husband . I'm finding it drives me mad as I get frustrated and cross with myself for my inability to stop bloody thinking about him :(!!!!!!!!!! In my defence I really think he started it and yes I was flattered , but also fancied him for a long time .

OP posts:

RubyrooUK · 10/06/2013 22:15

So Archibald, this guy doesn't want you THAT much, does he? He wants a flirt or a snog but doesn't find you so irresistible that he would actually be with you. That's not very flattering.

If I was you, that's the bit that would turn me off.

Your husband actually fancied and loved you so much that he wanted to be married to you - that makes you his number one choice.

You need to think about this in a different way. Surely you deserve to be someone's number one? You're risking everyone's happiness for something, well, a bit rubbish.

RubyrooUK · 10/06/2013 22:16

I am not trying to be horrible, by the way, just think of ways you can see the situation differently and forget this guy.

Original poster

Archibaldcat · 10/06/2013 22:17

Thank u ruburoo that's actually really helpful and what I need . I know what I'm doing us wrong I just someone to give me a bloody good shake and help me grow the hell up snd get him out my head xxx

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