I think I have a crush on someone other than my husband please help me sort it out

[Archibaldcat]

My friends husband and I have had what I guess is an EA since feb . They have four kids , I have two . It started a few months ago and since has been on and off . We ve kissed but that's all physically , exchanged very flirty texts , but this also blows hot and cold as we ve had our ups and downs . I think the problem is I feel I am getting a connection to him , I can't understand why it's happening really , I don't even particularly like him but feel very attracted to him . I feel very guilty about my friend and my dh . Please help , I don't know if this is a crush in which case I need to grow up and stop but I can't stop thinking about him . It's affecting most aspects if my life :((( thank u

I know ur not being horrible , ur actually really helping me xx

Archie, this om just wants a bit of fun on the side.

These things don't just happen. A crush or fancying another man other than your dh - yes. Kissing - no.
You have a crush, but you don't like him? Is it just that he makes you compliments, fancies you and you feel flattered? Don't fall for it, take a good look at what you have and find out how you can get some of what is missing back into your marriage.

I would run a mile.

Don't try so hard to stop thinking about him: that makes him enticing and something you want to think about.

Just do other stuff and keep busy. He'll intrude on your thoughts for a bit, you can enjoy the fantasy and then get on with life. It'll wear off eventually, just don't take it seriously or think it's anything other than a passing fancy cos you're bored.

Archie, women fall into this trap every day. For some reason we love a bad boy, and this seems to be what is happening to you. Do you have any interests of your own, besides your family? Do you still fancy your husband? Truth is it would never go anywhere. You are probably not the first woman he has flirted with / kissed / or even had sex with.

As hard as it is, tell your husband you are not completely content at the moment. Be brave. You need time together as to work out what you can do together to put the spark back into your marriage. For all you know he could be feeling the same, and maybe relieved if you confess to him.

Please don't give this man an inch, it will cause years of hurt.

If you can't get your marriage on track, now is the best time to find out. But if you value your friend, you will leave her man alone.

This isn't a crush it's an affair.

If you've fancied this man for a long time and have been having an affair since February, it's much more likely that the excitement it's injected into your stressful life with young children, has made you fancy your husband less and encouraged you to make what appear to be wholly irrational conclusions about your friend's husband's regard for you and what your husband feels for you. This man is after a bit of fun as you say. He goes cold on you because he doesn't want this to get out of hand and your reactions probably frighten him.

These things do not just happen. You both allowed them to happen and made choices every single step of the way. No-one can help being attracted to others and it's normal, but you can help acting on those feelings.

It's mind-bogglingly selfish to have an affair but to have one with the husband of a friend and the father of your children's friends takes this to a new level. End this and please do some work on your character.

When your kids grow up and you tell them that butterflies and swoony snogs are pretty scant reason for them to drop their knickers, you're going to feel quite stupid, aren't you?

Jeez, you don't even like the guy. He's a loathsome toad and if you could see straight you'd shudder to imagine ever actually being with such a sleaze. He has no interest in you other than sex and clearly is looking for nothing more than a hole for his cock. He will either drop you like a stone once he's fucked you and smirk knowingly every time he sees you, or will pop round for a weekly shag to add some nice fun to his life. Naice.

You stop thinking about him by changing all your routines and avoiding him like the plague. He is nothing but the mechanism by which your bored body has decided to get your mojo going. Your body may have poor taste but you do not. Pity his poor wife and thank your stars that you have time to cut this dead without causing carnage.

Think how it would be if everybody found out tomorrow - your hurt husband, your bewildered kids, your disgusted in laws, your disappointed family, your friend, her children, the gossip goes around the playground... A year from now your husband has a new partner, this man and your ex friend are playing happy families and picking up the kids in the play ground is a whole different ball game.

I'd think about that possible version of tomorrow and do everything I could to end this today.

No contact is the only way.

This "connection" you feel, and the fact that you have chosen to act on your attraction by kissing him, are dangerous: you have poor impulse control wrt this man. Crush, yes. Acting on it, v v bad.

You must STAY AWAY. No drawn out conversations with him agonising about your "connection" and how you must stay away from each other for your own good and that of your family. Just stop engaging in any form of contact with him, point blank.

It will be very hard at first, but the feelings will wane. It's an addiction, treat it by going cold turkey.

Some good advice here. Think you should take it. I really don't buy that you don't just accidentally start an affair with someone - you chose to. You had decisions to make and you chose to flirt, text and kiss him although you knew it was wrong. Now you are complaining about being on a slippery slope.

I don't mean to be harsh but I really don't think you will be the first woman this man has behaved inappropriately with and you won't be the last. He just wants a bit of fun and for the moment you are fitting the bill.

How about you make some different choices. How about you decide to go cold turkey and cut him out. How about you start treating your husband and children the way they deserve to be treated and how about you try to salvage your marriage before you allow this thing to spiral out of control. Please don't ever underestimate the devastation that you will cause if you don't stop this affair. It is horrific an the effects on 6 innocent children will never go away.

So you are willing to risk your marriage, your children's happiness etc for someone you "don't particularly like?"

You sound incredibly selfish.

Children come first every time and not your own silly notions, get a grip.

Your marriage is a bit in trouble isnt it?

"I didn't plan for it to happen , of course not . It's just happened ,"

I disagree - to carry on for nearly six months behind your family and friend's backs requires an extraordinary amount of planning.

If you were my 'friend' and I found this out, I would destroy you.

Many years ago when my kids were at junior school the hot topic of discussion at the school gates was the rumor of the snog that Mrs A had had with Mrs B's husband (they had been sen in a resturant ten miles away by another parent)
I can't describe to you the fall out from this, but it ended up with both of the familiies having to move away, the kids leave their school etc.
Get yourself a proper hobby if you are bored. If you are bored with your way of life you are probably very boring to your husband to come home to.
Start to develop some interests that stop you day dreaming and give you something else to think about.
Delete those texts before they are accidently discovered and stop behaving as a lovestruck teenager.

Reading TiaE post, I immediately thought Ouch. However, she is right, the truth of the matter is you have engaged with your friends man, and that is a definite no, no.

Are your husbands' friends too?

You say that your friend's husband came on to you originally. I have to say, if that was my friend's husband who came on to me, I would have immediately told my friend what he was up to.

Is there another entrance to the school you can use at the moment. Make some excuse to the kids, and use a different route.

You are just a game for this man, please don't let yourself be played.

Don't be so bloody easy. Haven't you got any pride in yourself at all?

This chap thinks you'll drop your pants whenever he says he wants you to. Perhaps he's right.

Your poor friend and your poor dh to be married to you and this man.

Someone sees you kiss, and tells one or both spouses.

What happens next?

Your DH discovers that you have been lying to him repeatedly in order to meet and snog someone else. You've lied hundreds of times already, and each one of those is a betrayal.

Have you made a plan for things like where you will live and how you will support yourself as a separated woman?

Will any further mutual friends support you, or will your betrayed friend be the one who they choose to support (it's unlikely many if any will be able to help both families).

What will life look like on your own? What will you say to a sobbing child about it?

As you have already decided to prioritise a relationship other than your marriage, I would urge you now to end your marriage as decently as remains possible.

You need to porperly work out what is wrong in your marriage.
Has it just gone a bit stale, or is it more than that.

I disagree. I think you need to work out what has gone wrong with YOU.

Your marriage is likely to have been affected very negatively by this affair and the period of fancying the other man, before you both crossed the line. It would be better to think back to how your marriage was before you ever set eyes on this man, because after that point all objectivity about your marriage was lost.

May I give you a cyber-slap just to wake you up? Stop it. Just stop texting and kissing him FFS! Because you might be enjoying the fantasies and what-ifs but the truth is much much nastier than your fantasies. It involves pain and anger and betrayal. H had an EA - similar to yours by the sounds of it. And he turned my world upside down - it's been 12 months and we still aren't entirely over it.

Marriages can get boring. Been there, done that. They aren't meant to be entertainment! All marriages go through quiet periods. They are the ultimate foundation for the rest of your life and it's so risky to jeopardise it for a bit of a fling. Get IC to work out what is wrong in you that you need a man to make you feel happy. And then when get MC with your H to see how to recover your marriage.

Alternatively carry on and wait for the shit to hit the fan. Your choice.

Stop it now, I say this as someone whose ExH had an affair with school Mum and left me for her. Beyond the bare facts his left, yes he was having an affair I have bitten my tongue and not commented on their behaviour to anyone at school. Inspite of this they have been JUDGED by the playground big time.
Plus the two girls have really suffered my DD never saw or heard any arguing I was very careful of this. The other girl saw and heard all the gory details and some of her distress she had taken out on my DD physically and verbally.

BTW 'it just happened' is a pile of horseshit. Sorry but it is. You are a grown adult and things don't 'happen'. Take responsibility for your actions.

PS don't mean to be harsh but beleive me you need to understand.

FGS you are not some sort of helpless child incapable of controlling yourself. This is going absoloutly nowhere. There is no way for this to end well, the best thing you can hope is it ends quickly and with no one ever finding out.
You have allowed yourself to do something cruel, selfish, sleazy and disloyal. Is this the type of person you are? So desperate for a bit of excitment and attention that you will hurt and betray your husband and friend and damage your kids?
Snap out of it. Get a fucking grip, delete his number, avoid hime at school gates. Do not speak to him at all. Yes it will be hard but the alternative is far far worse.

Stop. It. Now.

Delete the texts and his mobile number.
Time school run so you only drop/pick up and don't speak to anyone
Don't socialise with them - make excuses
Get a hobby

See how you feel in 6 months time after distancing yourself. If you still feel impossibly bored with your DH, then it will be time to talk about splitting up. But at least the decision to be split wont be confused by escapism fantasies. And they are just fantasies, because as you've said yourself, he's actually not a very nice person.

Delete number, avoid, as Laymedown says. In fact, better than avoid - do you have an after-school club at your school? If so, put your children in it and pick up half an hour after school closing time so you don't even have to see him.

You have no idea how utterly shit you will feel when this comes out, and it will come out if you don't stop it. It will honestly I promise you NOT be worth the buzz you're getting from him now. You're damaging your feelings for your husband, and once you've lost him it'll be too late to remember how much he, and your family life, means to you.