I think I have a crush on someone other than my husband please help me sort it out

[Archibaldcat]

My friends husband and I have had what I guess is an EA since feb . They have four kids , I have two . It started a few months ago and since has been on and off . We ve kissed but that's all physically , exchanged very flirty texts , but this also blows hot and cold as we ve had our ups and downs . I think the problem is I feel I am getting a connection to him , I can't understand why it's happening really , I don't even particularly like him but feel very attracted to him . I feel very guilty about my friend and my dh . Please help , I don't know if this is a crush in which case I need to grow up and stop but I can't stop thinking about him . It's affecting most aspects if my life :((( thank u

I wonder whether you'd be as sympathetic as you'd like everyone on here to be if the situations were reversed and your friend was having an affair with your DH? I suspect not.

You have made a series of choices. You chose to respond to flirty texts and you chose to kiss him. You could have said no and put a stop to it at any time, but you chose not to. You're not a silly teenager who's been taken advantage of by a much older man. Your post makes me wonder whether it's him you're attracted to or the excitement that might be lacking in your own marriage.

ok. That is a better post from you op.
As regards people being rude on here, I am afraid I cannot do much about that. Some people have suffered a lot at the hands of this sort of thing, so they are understandably hurt and upset.

You say it just happened. You liked him, yes that can just happen. But the thing is, for whatever reason, you took it further. And that is the part that did not just happen.Because at some point you reciprocated his looks, messages etc.

I sort of get that you do not want to hurt your friend.

You say you want help to forget him. Hmm. That is the difficult bit.
And personally, I think you need to dig deeper emotionally as to why this happened in the first place. Else all that is going to happen, is that you will ditch this man, and then another different man will catch your eye.

OP, DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR!!

LISTEN to the excellent advice on here.
I did a stupid thing years ago and believe me, you have no idea the trouble it caused where as I'm sure the other person came off smelling of roses and in some case's it can make the other person's relationship even seem better where they are all loved up pretending it didn't happen and you will be split up!
My dh is worth a million compared to the lowlife I did that with, I can't give all the details as I don't want to out myself. I didn't even like or fancy the guy. It was at a low point it happened.

It was the BIGGEST mistake I've ever made and the fall out after and everything, you really have no idea what could happen. I'm lucky we got past it, it was so close to over.

Listen to the advice on here about moving school's if possible, even move town!
Back off from this friend, it's already gone too far, don't hang around with her any more.

Go out for a night with your dh, buy new underwear and get the spark back, do anything but DON'T chat to this idiot any more, he's a user, DON'T feel weak.

The thing to remember is that you are very much caught up in the moment. And that moment is created out of hormones and the mundane as of marriage.

It's not about what a fantastic guy he is. He's not. He's ordinary and your are projecting onto him.

So, in six months time, you'll look back and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

That will be so much worse if you sacrificed your marriage for it.

I feel really, really sorry for your husband. He's stuck with a woman who needs a bunch of strangers on the Internet to help her forget another man that she doesn't even like that much, but has kissed.

You are a real catch.

Maybe you should tell him the truth and allow him to find genuine happiness with someone who loves and respects him?

Just saying

I'm afraid it is black and white there is no shades of grey as you are both married. If you continue down this path it will blow your life apart, it will hurt your children.
Your are an adult you make decisions to kiss or not to kiss someone it does not just happen.
I wish if my ExH had been that did-satisfied with our marriage he had left me and then got together with someone else - the effects of his affair are just going to go on and on.

Can I ask what you expected from starting this thread? I actually think you've gotten off lightly.

I know life's not black and white, that there are grey areas, but this is not a grey area. I can see how you can be attracted to another man and enjoy a flirt, but before it gets any further you put all that energy into your own relationship. Unless you don't want to be in it anymore, then you get out of it before starting a new one.

You see threads in here all the time where things haven't been going well for a while, the usual boring rut that happens to all relationships but instead of making an effort, the man (not always obviously) has an affair. We've all read countless stories of broken hearted women and the breakdown of their relationship all because of an affair, is that what you want?

How would you feel if your husband had kissed another woman, especially if it was a friend of yours?

Get out of the clouds op. you are not the victim - your husband, his wife and both of your children are the victims and what you have done will tear their worlds apart. How do you think your kids will feel when the other kids tease and question them on what you have done?? Suppose they are the last thing on your mind when you are wrapped up in someone else's husband. You made this happen. You chose for it to happen. So it is your fault. You then posted on a forum where a lot of the posts are from innocent victims of the very thing you are doing wanting sympathy and understanding!! You won't get any sympathy from me. I think your behaviour is appalling. As for your comment about life not being black and white - you chose to enter the grey zone. You didn't accidentally fall into his mouth or accidentally arrange to meet up with him. Again you chose to do that. Are you picking up on the theme here....?

Feelings are just that, you don't have to act on them.

You may not be able to control your feelings for this man but you can control how you act or react and you don't have to act on your feelings.

See this situation for what it is - you are flattered by the attention he gives you so you develop feelings for him.

He is flattered that you obviously have a crush on him and want him.

It's as shallow as this - you both like what the other person gives you - admiration.

Would you destroy 2 marriages, a friendship and 10 lives for a bit of admiration & flattery?

"This just happened" is the lie you tell yourself so that you don't have to take responsibility for YOUR every lie and deceitful action. The reason your huffing about the "judgemental" comments is because we're calling you out on your shameful behaviour as it appears you are failing to really comprehend the enormity of YOUR betrayal.

You have the power to end this as much as you had the power to start this, the question isn't can you but do you want to.

There are probably many reasons why you did this and I think it a good idea to spend some time maybe with professional support on working out why.

This car crash is well and truly in motion you need to decide if you want to limit the casualty to your bruised ego or if you want to inflict life changing injury to your DH, friend, your children and her children.

Are you a terrible person? I don't know you so can't say but your behaviour is .

I think for you, this is mainly about the adreniline.

Throughout this thread, you have virtually not mentioned your husband at all. Even your reason for wanting to end the ea is because of your friend, not him.

Is your husband disabled, depressed,you feel sorry for him?

So, when you aren't wandering round whimsically dreaming about his swooning snogs, you spend your time feeling sorry for yourself and wondering how this all came to pass when all you've ever tried to do is just be a good friend a good wife and a good mum, then you come on here and get flamed and crushed again by people who simply don't understand how much of a victim you are in all this.

Oh do grow up.

You seem to think that we're all some judge pants prudes who just don't get it, don't you? And every nasty comment is designed to kick you when you are down? It hasn't even occurred to you that a lot of us have been there, a lot of us have seen it, and a lot of us have been victims on the other side.

I can assure should that most of us have been drawn to others during our marriage and have wondered. But we have shaken ourselves out of it and moved on. Some of us have no doubt crossed the line and then wished up and got out, and some of us have given in to temptation. Thing is, you'll never work out who is who in this thread because it doesn't matter what stages we have each experienced:- the advice is exactly the same regardless:- you are being a fool and need to grow a pair and cut it dead.

And the reason we are being harsh is because you need a slap round the face to wise up. You are not a victim, you are a perpetrator. And we are being harsh not because we don't understand, but because we do.

I think the root of the whole thing lies within you.

What's happening in your life?

Many women start affairs when they are depressed, have low self esteem and/or feel very low.
And some men have a fine radar to spot these quite vulnerable women and start affairs with them.

I'm not excusing your behaviour, I want you to consider that what has happened has probably nothing to do with him, but only with you.

Meaning, if you hadn't returned the looks and texts, he would have tried it with another woman.
Why did you not raise an eyebrow and told him where to go?

Best advice is to delete from your mobile, block his number if you can. Also any other forms of contact like FB or email.
Change your routine to avoid bumping into him, only visit your friend if he is out and never be alone with him. Get busy with other parts if your life and do things with your your husband, try to reconnect.

Time, distance and being very strict with yourself is the only way.

I'm lost on this one. You say she doesn't have many friends. That her husband is always there, so you can't spend anytime alone with her.

Is this man a very controlling? Does he work?

Has your friend ever mentioned to you that she is not happy with him?

You say that your husband doesn't like this man. What are his reasons for not liking him?

Does your husband like your friend?

Would it not be better to cut all ties with both your friend and her husband?

The way I see it, you are not her friend. Otherwise you would not be heading down this route.

You are willing to risk losing your friend, for the sake of having a fling with a man that you would never be able to trust in a million years. If I were in your shoes I would cut all ties with both of them. Distance myself. Work on my marriage, if it doesn't work, separate, see if you miss your husband.

There are millions of single men out there that you could take your pickings from.

Simple as Black & White... leave your friend's man alone.